Breaking Up With A Narcissistic Partner: How To Get Through It And Recover

Breaking up with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but the rewards may far outweigh the difficulty. Many people may not realize the amount of abuse they experience from a partner with NPD, and recovering from the relationship may take time. Here's how to get through the breakup and find your way to a healthier, happier life.

How to get through the breakup with a narcissist

Ending a relationship is never easy. When you're leaving someone with NPD, it can be even more difficult. Getting through the breakup is a major challenge, but it helps to have a breakup plan. Do the following things to survive the turmoil.

Remind yourself of their narcissistic traits

It's important to remember that you’re ending a relationship with someone who may be largely incapable of being a good partner. They're not just a little self-absorbed or overly confident. They may have a diagnosable personality disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists nine traits of NPD:

• They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
• They're preoccupied with fantasies like unlimited success, brilliance, power, beauty, and perfect love.
• They believe they're special and unique and that only special or high-status people can understand them.
• They need excessive admiration.
• They exhibit exploitative interpersonal behavior.
• They lack empathy.
• They envy others and believe that others envy them.
• They display arrogant behaviors or attitudes.

Someone with NPD has at least five of these nine traits. However, unless you have training in psychology, it can be challenging to determine if their attitudes and behavior add up to narcissistic personality disorder. 

Don't believe their promises

People with NPD make a lot of promises, especially if they think you're about to leave them. They can be very good at building up your hope, only to dash it if you stay. They may swear they've seen the light and are now committed to treating you better. Unfortunately, their seemingly generous promises are typically just a ruse to get what they want.

Don't excuse the damage they've done

Just because someone has NPD doesn't mean you need to make allowances for them, especially if they’ve caused you emotional damage. The healthiest way to think about that is to understand the cause and ensure it stops. If you're dating someone with NPD, the only way you can prevent the damage likely is to leave them.

Break off all contact with the narcissist

A relationship with a narcissist can never be completely healthy, and you may never find peace as long as you allow them a space in your life. They may continue to make your life miserable if you let them. So, avoid going anywhere that they might be when you can. Don't talk to them on the phone unless it's necessary for practical purposes. Block them from your social media, too. The less contact, the better.

Feel and process your fears -- don't ignore them

Being with a narcissist can generate a lot of fears when you're ready to break up. You might be afraid you can't make it without them because they may have invested much time into telling you just that. You might have real financial challenges, too. A part of dealing with these fears is working out a plan to save up for the split, manage your money more wisely, or find a better job.

You might also be afraid they will find someone else who will make them better. Narcissists are likely to move on quickly but are unlikely to change. Their personality is a very stable part of who they are. When you can remember this, you may stop fearing that you'll miss out on something good.

Recovering from a relationship with a narcissistic person

Once you get past the initial breakup, you must find a way to heal. You need to learn from the experience, rebuild your life, and reclaim your mental health. You can do that in several ways.

Shift your focus to yourself

When you're with someone with NPD, they are usually very good at keeping your focus on them. Now that you've gotten away from them, you need to shift that focus back to yourself, your needs, and your wants. Think about issues that matter to you. Consider what makes you who you are. Put yourself first for a while.

Manage the emotional pain

After the breakup, you'll likely feel a lot of emotional pain. You might feel sad, hurt, angry, or bewildered. You can do some things to manage the pain, such as journaling. Write about how you felt about those experiences during the relationship and how you feel now. You can also use creative activities to express your pain.

Rebuild your self-esteem

While you were with them, your partner may have spent a lot of time building themselves up, but they may have also put a lot of effort into knocking you down. Now that you're away from all that, you'll need to work on your self-esteem. Spend some time thinking about and listing your positive qualities. Do things you're good at to remind yourself of your skills and talents. Celebrate your accomplishments. A therapist can also help you discover more ways to rebuild your self-esteem.

Set better boundaries

Doing so involves setting firm boundaries for what is acceptable to you in a relationship. Then, don't let anyone cross those boundaries.

Do things you enjoy

Your partner likely ensured they got to do the things they enjoyed. Unfortunately, that probably resulted in you not getting to do what you love. Now is a great time to get back to your passions and interests. Do what makes you happy, either alone or with supportive, empathetic people.

Meet new people and go on dates

Social contact is an essential part of life. Connect with the friends who have stuck by you through this challenging time in your life, or make new friends who weren't involved with your narcissistic mate. Go where people are. Get involved in community activities or hobby groups. If you want to go on a date, allow yourself that pleasure. It's probably best not to jump into another serious relationship until you have experienced some healing. Still, you can get out, be with someone you enjoy, and have a good time.

Learn what a healthy relationship looks like

The final key to recovering from a relationship with someone with NPD is understanding what healthy relationships look like and developing the skills to make one work. This can take time, and it helps to have a relationship expert on your side to support you and guide you through the process. 

Online therapy can help

You can talk to a counselor about all these issues and get the support you need to heal from your relationship and move forward with your life. If you’re interested in starting treatment, consider online therapy. 

Online therapy is a convenient, affordable, and effective way to get the help you need to heal. When you sign up, you’re matched with a licensed professional who is available to start helping you right away. You can attend sessions from the comfort of your own home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Plus, you can communicate with your therapist in a way that works for you, whether via video chat, phone, text, or email. Research provides strong support for online therapy, with one review of 14 studies finding that online treatment is just as effective as traditional in-person therapy. If you’re ready to get started, take the next step with Regain.

Takeaway

Breaking up with someone with NPD can be particularly challenging, especially if you have dealt with emotional and mental abuse that has made you doubt yourself. If you need support after your breakup, consider talking to a therapist online.