Identifying A Spark: How To Recognize Chemistry Between Two People
Wouldn't dating be easier if we could gauge compatibility before we even noticed there was chemistry? It would make dating easier if our friends could spot it before we did.
Romantic relationships can be nerve-wracking and come with a lot of uncertainty. You might wonder which traits might make or break the connection? If other people may have a better perspective on your potential relationships than you do? Or if they can tell whether you have chemistry with someone or not?
Many people say getting the approval of family and friends is important to them. For some, even the dog's opinion comes into account! But should we invest so much effort into other people's opinions? Are they able to see chemistry in your relationship? And where or what is romantic attraction in all of this? As you might expect, the answer is complicated.
What is chemistry in romantic relationships?
Romantic chemistry is sometimes called the "spark." It is when two people go well together in a seemingly natural way. According to , chemistry has four factors. They are emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual attractions.
Types of attraction
Emotional attraction is that feeling of love, infatuation, or attachment. It can make you happy and excited about the future. Physical attraction between two people pertains to the desire to have sexual intimacy with them, even if that only means wanting to hold their hand. Intellectual attraction is when you can have in-depth discussions that leave both people thinking and feeling like equals. Spiritual attraction is a little harder to pin down. It might be that they have a similar religious background, and you can talk about that together. It could also be a feeling of connection that goes deeper than emotions and can be hard to explain, or it could be unspoken attraction.
Chemistry in friendships and sibling relationships
Chemistry doesn’t only exist in romantic relationships, though. You might also notice siblings or friends who have great chemistry. You can tell because they seem to "click." They're comfortable around each other and have an easy time talking to each other.
Romantic chemistry may look similar. It's when you feel comfortable being around each other and you understand each other with ease. Keep in mind; this doesn't mean everything in the relationship will come easy for you. Sometimes, it takes time to build enough trust for that chemistry to build and shine through. Any relationship will need maintenance once and a while.
Is chemistry innate or learned?
It has been known for a long time that people tend to pair up with someone similar to them. Partners tend to be of the same race, religion, social background, and education level. The similarities can go even deeper than that. A study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that married couples were more genetically similar than two individuals chosen at random and that educational similarities were more prominent than genetic similarities.
So is chemistry a phenomenon more steeped in nature or nurture? It appears that things you can't control play a part in choosing a partner, such as race. Yet, learning does play a part in incompatibility. The religion you choose to follow and your education level will also be large factors. Hans-Peter Blossfeld says there are three reasons why education is important to partnerships:
- People prefer associating with educational equals (this contributes to intellectual attraction)
- The educational expansion increases a person's network and contacts at the age when they're looking for a partner
- Women are playing a larger role in the workforce, which increases the importance of their education and motivation to work
The role of equal contributions in relationships
People with similar education levels also tend to make similar amounts of money. By choosing a partner of the same economic class as you, there may be less pressure on one partner to be the breadwinner. Many relationships engage in a dual-earning system, so it's helpful to have two people who work. When partners feel like equal contributors to the relationship, it avoids feelings of inferiority or lack of building up.
That's not to say that there aren't still stay-at-home partners. Or that those partners will feel inferior. Every relationship is different. As long as both people can be open and honest with each other, you can make many varying dynamics work well for your relationship.
The role of language in romantic chemistry
Another surprising factor in romantic chemistry is the way you talk. A study published in Psychological Science tested the importance of language on connection. They recorded interactions between individuals during a speed dating experiment. Even though the conversations all sounded similar on the outside, small distinctions made the difference between some pairs feeling connected or forgetting about each other in the end.
Function words such as "the, a, be, anything, and, that, will" were observed. The use (or lack thereof) of these words could predict how individuals felt after an interaction. The pairs whose language style matching scores were above average were almost four times as likely to want future contact as pairs whose speaking styles were out of sync. In other words, participants wanted to see people again who had similar speech patterns as themselves.
A second study that measured function words in writing style found that couples with similar styles were 80% more likely to be dating three months later. Seemingly meaningless words can have a big impact on how much chemistry we feel with another person.
Can other people see the chemistry between two people?
The answer is yes and no. It depends on the person. Some people are better at reading into people's behavior than others. The things they use to define chemistry also make a difference. Someone who thinks you have good chemistry by talking to each other could be more accurate than someone who bases their judgment only on how much you laugh together.
The challenge of predicting chemistry in online dating
Online dating platforms may claim to have the magic formula for pairing people who are more likely to have chemistry. However, an analysis by found that no chemistry or combination of traits and preferences could accurately predict the outcome of a relationship before any dates had occurred. The study concluded that predicting who will have chemistry is hard to measure and hasn't been done accurately.
Everyone is an individual, and even if they are like another potential prospect, that doesn't mean they'll have chemistry, necessarily. It suggests that there are some factors to chemistry that are harder to measure. Your friends might have better accuracy than online dating sites at knowing when you have chemistry with someone before you realize it. They have more information about your likes and dislikes, as well as who you gravitated toward in past relationships.
Not everyone is great at seeing the chemistry, and there's no go-to system to predict it yet. The good news is, though, you can get a good idea about it based on your compatibility with someone. Another thing that matters is the approval of the people around you. Even if it sounds odd, there's evidence that the opinion of family and friends can matter more than you think in the success of relationships, even as much as chemistry in some cases.
Why the approval of family and friends matters
While chemistry is hard to pin down, our friends might be better at predicting the outcome of our relationship than we are. One study sought to examine the role that friends and family play in individuals’ lives as information sources regarding their relationships. Results illustrated that while dating participants’ perceptions of their own relationship quality predicted relationship fate more accurately than their roommates, the roommates predictions of the longevity of the relationship were more accurate than the participants’ parallel predictions. Additionally, female couple members’ friends’ perceptions of commitment were significantly more accurate than male counterpart predictions.
In the case of parent approval, most people have greater relationship satisfaction if their family approves. Those who don't tend to have less relationship satisfaction. What about people who feel closer to their partner if or when their parents disapprove of their relationships? An article by Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., calls this resistance the Romeo and Juliet effect.
Seidman says these heightened feelings are short-lived and don't provide a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. While living your life based on other people's expectations can lead to regret, having a partner that your family doesn't like can wear you down and cause relationship strain. We're social creatures, so we need to feel like we have a community around us upon which we can depend. If your parents oppose your partner, that feeling of community may be less strong and stable.
Your parents generally want what's best for you, but sometimes the qualities they're looking for in your partner don't match up with the ones you're seeking. An example Seidman uses is that parents tend to look for people from a good family and with a similar religious background for their kids. You, on the other hand, might care more about finding someone with a good personality and with whom you have good chemistry.
Even if your friends and family don't give you a clear idea of how they feel about the relationship, your perception of their view matters too. LGB (lesbian, gay, and bisexual) youth perceived their parents as more encouraging of their individuality and accepting as children had healthier relationships with partners when they got older.
Parents with these traits also tended to act more positively to their children coming out. And LGB men with parents like this tended to have lower romantic attachment anxiety in relationships. LGB youth with healthy parent/child relationships had higher relationship quality, optimism, and trust. As much as we may not like it, the way we see our parents matters to our future relationship success, including within the LGBTQ community.
Seek support for dating
While we cannot change our parents or friends’ opinions about our relationship, we can heal from childhood wounds over time. If you are looking for support and don't know who to turn to, Regain is a great online therapy platform. They have a long list of experienced professionals who can help you improve your mental health and relationships going forward. You get to choose where and when you have the conversations. Regain makes it easy to talk to someone, so you can make positive change happen in your life.
Many studies have evaluated the efficacy of online therapy for people going through a host of relationship-focused challenges. While you don’t have to have a diagnosed mental health condition in order to seek the benefits of therapy, many people who live with illnesses like anxiety or depression have sought dating support from online therapists. In one study, for example, 30 couples ages 21-69 took part in a videoconferencing intervention aimed at improving their overall relationship satisfaction. Not only was online therapy successful for the participants in doing so, but it also helped improve their overall mental health.
Takeaway
Whether people can recognize chemistry in your relationships or not, there are concrete things you can look for in a relationship. People tend to look for a partner who mirrors themselves and views them as equal in education and intelligence. And even if things are going great and you have a lot of similarities, take the opinions of your close family and friends into account. You don’t have to live your life based on other people's expectations, but you can take their thoughts into consideration.
Romantic relationships aren't the only relationships you'll have in your life. Having a close-knit group of people around you is beneficial to your health and well-being overall. Should you feel that an online therapist may be a valuable member of your support network, you can reach out to Regain today.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ)
What does it mean to have chemistry between two people?
Chemistry entails an energetic connection between two individuals. When a man and a woman have chemistry, they can be attracted to each other in various ways. This is obviously not just relevant to heterosexual couples -- it can apply to all genders and sexual orientations.
Also, the chemistry between people is not always just romantic. Non-romantic chemistry can exist between great friends. Romantic chemistry can be described as feelings of love, lust, infatuation, and a desire for intimacy.
They might have physical chemistry, in which they feel a physical or sexual attraction to each other. For example, they might experience romantic chemistry while out on a date together and get excited thinking about each other sexually.
What is the difference between intellectual and emotional chemistry?
Two people might also have intellectual chemistry, in which they are attracted to each other’s minds. Or they might have emotional chemistry, where they can understand each other at an emotional level and talk about things such as spirituality, attitudes, values, and more.
Ideally, the chemistry between people is a combination of all these types of chemistry and result in a good match for each other. Chemistry in romantic relationships is important.
How do you know if you have chemistry with someone?
The chemistry between people can be seen in body language or subtle ways, such as eye contact, flirting, banter, constant focus, and losing track of time. If you have chemistry with someone, you can often feel it in your gut. You may notice that you feel a little nervous, have butterflies in your stomach, or show a twinkle in your eyes. Maybe you blush or laugh nervously, or maybe when you touch, you have a particular feeling like a shock through your body.
Essentially, if there’s chemistry between people, they get excited about each other physically and mentally. If you experience chemistry with someone, you might think about this person when they’re not around. When you’re together, there is mutual attraction, trust, and effortless communication.
How can you tell if there is a spark between you and a romantic interest?
You can usually feel it in your body if there is chemistry between people. When you experience chemistry, a spark might be felt physically somewhere in your body. You might feel your heart racing when they are close to you, or you may feel nervous when meeting someone with whom you have built up chemistry.
If you are with someone and you feel a certain spark, there’s a good chance you will both be thinking about each other later. And there is also a good chance that you will fantasize about intimacy between yourself and that person.
How do you know if the chemistry is mutual?
The chemistry between people is mutual if there is reciprocity. It is usually noticeable right off the bat. There is that special spark, that special something, that people feel when there is chemistry, and it happens on both sides.
There are times when people sometimes build chemistry or develop chemistry over time as they get to know each other. Some signs that show great chemistry are lots of direct eye contact, body language such as facing each other while talking, wanting to be close and touch each other, and the desire to keep talking all the time.
What is unspoken attraction?
Unspoken attraction is when two people have chemistry without speaking about it. When you experience chemistry, the attraction is based on feeling, and it can be subtle or quite obvious, based on physical behaviors. This is romantic or emotional chemistry that intuitively happens, and both people feel it.
How do you know if someone is thinking about you sexually?
There’s a good chance that if you have physical chemistry with someone, they think about you sexually. You will likely see it in how they look at you if they have a sexual attraction to you. They may give you flirty stares and might even stare at you to the point where you feel like they are imagining you without clothes on. They might check you out when you walk away, such as when you get up to go to the bathroom during dinner.
When there’s chemistry between people, things can feel hot and heavy. This can build up romantic chemistry, especially if there hasn’t been any sexual intimacy up to that point. If they haven’t told you they think about you sexually, you may wonder. Trust your gut and believe that if there’s chemistry, you will know.
What does chemistry with someone feel like?
The chemistry between people often feels new and exciting. There is a spark and it can be a whole-body feeling similar to electricity. When you have great chemistry, you might experience a racing heartbeat when they are around or close to you. If things are new, you might also feel nervous but in a good way– like butterflies in your stomach. When there’s chemistry, you might easily blush or giggle a lot and feel giddy. You might also feel very comfortable with that person and not worry about what you say or what you do.
Questions to ask your therapist about romantic chemistry
Can others recognize chemistry between two people?
Is chemistry the same as love?
What is physical chemistry?
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