Comforting Words For When Someone Passes: Condolences During A Difficult Time
When someone you know has lost a loved one, it can be hard to find the right words to say. You might not want to give them lukewarm platitudes or half-meaning promises. You want to do the right thing, to comfort them in a time of great sadness. Remember that it typically starts by just being there for them. Your presence can be a comfort when someone is lost. If you need help thinking up things to say, take a look at some of these suggestions. Remember that there’s really no “right” thing to say, and everyone reacts differently to receiving comfort. Follow the lead of the person who has lost someone and let them tell you what they need.
“I love you.”
As simple as it sounds, saying “I love you” when a loved one dies can be helpful. It can be a reminder that they haven’t lost everybody, and they know they can turn to you if they need help or support. “I love you” can hold a lot of power and might help them feel just a little bit better.
“Can I check on you this week?”
A lot of times, when a loved one dies, people are often told to let others know if they need anything. But amid grief, they might feel like a burden if they ask for help. By asking if you can do something concrete for them, like checking in, you are giving this person an option. Instead of forcing them to reach out, you are already there ready to help. And by forming it as a question, you give your friend or family an out. If they don’t want to be checked on, they can tell you no, and you can be respectful of that. If you’re thinking of stopping by, you can say something akin to, “I’m thinking of coming by on Saturday or Sunday. I’ll be in the area and wanted to know if I could check on you this week. Is that okay?” Don’t push them if they aren’t up for it. Instead, ask if there’s a time that works better for them. It’s important to socialize with others, but there can be a place for alone time, too.
“Take care of yourself.”
When said in the right context and with a lot of empathy, letting your friend or family know that you want them to keep taking care of themselves can do a lot of good. It shows that you care about them, and it is a reminder that they are still living. Even in all of the sadness, they can still get up every morning and live the day well. Hopefully, it will bring comfort and let them know that you are thinking of their well-being and want what is best for them.
“I’m bringing dinner this week - is [day] okay?”
Letting your friend or family know that you will be dropping by can bring relief and comfort. If you know this person well and know that they need the company, offering to bring dinner at a specific date and time can give them something to look forward to. By letting them know ahead of time, your friend or family can be prepared for your visit or let you know if it doesn’t work with their schedule. Offering a meal to someone who is grieving might seem pretty simple, but it can be a tangible way to help out and provide love and support. When you can offer up a simple meal to them, you’re giving someone a gift of comfort and ease during a difficult time. It can hard to put into words how much loss can affect a person’s life, and giving them a hand, whether it’s through offering meals or assistance with housework and other tasks, can be an excellent way to help out and show that you care.
“I will keep you in my thoughts/prayers.”
Your friend or family may find comfort in knowing that you are thinking of them. And if they are religious, knowing that you are praying for them can be an even bigger comfort. It can feel rather lonely to lose a loved one, and your friend or family may feel like they have to do everything on their own. This simple statement is a reminder that they have you in their life and that they don’t have to face it all by themselves. Just knowing that you are thinking of them can help them feel less alone and get a sense of love and support during a particularly hard moment.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. They will be missed.”
This is the most typical thing to say when you know someone who has lost a loved one, but it can be a popular way to offer kind words of comfort for a reason. Extending your condolences can work when done well. Be empathetic or sympathetic when you are talking with them, making it known that you really are sorry and that the person they lost will be greatly missed. Most of the time, your friend or family will be grateful for the gesture, even if it is small.
"What Is Your Favorite Memory Of Them?”
Sometimes, after a friend has lost someone, it can offer them comfort to talk about them and their happy times together. This can help them feel closer to the person they’ve lost. You can share your favorite memories as well, if you also knew the person, and maybe even share a few photos of the good times.
“Can I give you a hug?
Your friend or family might need physical comfort after the loss of a loved one. Not everyone should offer a hug, but if you know them well and think they would be comfortable hugging you, offering to hold them for even just a few seconds can help ease their pain. There’s something about physical touch, especially hugs, that help bring comfort and ease when we are sad.
“Can I just sit with you?”
Being present with a hurting friend or family is a simple yet profound offering you can make. After the loss of a loved one, your friend or family may not be in the mood to talk; they may not want to be touched; they may not be able to stop crying. But you can offer to sit with them and be present while they feel what they feel so that they know they aren’t alone. They may appreciate the company, even if they don’t say so. You can be a comforting presence without having to say a single word. Sometimes that is all that is needed.
“I don't know what to say, but this must be very hard for you.”
If all else fails, just let your friend or family know that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes there aren’t any words that can help a situation. But even saying that you don’t know what to say can be the right thing to say. Acknowledge that your friend or family is going through something hard by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through; I’m here for you.” Don’t try to make it better and don’t offer to try and fix it, but admit that the situation is rough. Sometimes, it’s okay to just be sad.
Counseling for grief
If you need help dealing with the pain of loss, you might feel lost and wonder where to turn. Have you considered trying out counseling? To get started on ReGain, you fill out a brief survey that helps match you with the best therapist based on your needs. ReGain can be used for one-on-one counseling as well as couples counseling. So, if your partner lost a loved one and you need help figuring out how to help them, ReGain might be a great platform for you.
Benefits of Online Therapy
Online therapy has many benefits, sometimes even more than traditional in-person therapy. For example, one holistic study found that online therapy tends to be more cost-effective than in-person therapy. Another study supported this finding and added that online therapy is just as effective, and sometimes even more effective, than in-person therapy in treating anxiety and depression.
Takeaway
While we may feel sometimes like we have to offer words of wisdom or insight when the loved one of a partner or friend dies, it’s often enough to simply be with someone, sit with them, and show them that you can listen. And if you still want more support, you can always speak to an online counselor or therapist about your thoughts and concerns.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do I write a good sympathy message?
A caring, personalized message can go a long way. When you write a sympathy card, offer heartfelt condolences. You might wish someone comfort and strength, let them know that they’re loved, and communicate to them that you’re there if they need anything. When your friends and family are grieving, a simple phone call can also go a long way. It’s likely that many people will reach out at first to say that they’re sad to hear about the person who died or to offer comfort to a grieving person. However, eventually, those words and sympathies can start to die down, even if the pain of the loss remains remarkably present. Something you can do is to continue calling a person and continue to reach out, whether you do so via text, phone, or in person. After sending an initial sympathy card or offering initial heartfelt condolences, you will want to check in every now and again to see how your loved one is doing and to ease potential loneliness. Give them someone to spend time with. You don’t need to bring the grief or loss up every time you see them, especially if it’s been a while. At times, it’s most powerful to ask someone how they’re doing and to serve as a distraction or joy of sorts. As stated in the article above, a person may want to be alone and may not want to be touched when they’re grieving. If that’s the case, respect their space. Offer to be there and be prepared to sit in silence if that’s what they need, but leave the room if they ask you to do so and reach out again once they’ve had some time.
What should I avoid saying when offering condolences?
There are phrases to avoid when offering condolences to a grieving friend or loved one. For example, phrases such as “they’re in a better place” aren’t always appropriate for someone who’s grieving, whether it’s said in a sympathy card, a virtual sympathy message, or verbally. In this time of sorrow, be empathetic, and make sure that you don’t say anything that minimizes or glosses over a person or family’s pain. It may be best to avoid deflecting the conversation or talking about how much the loss hurts you, particularly if this is someone’s parent or close loved one, and you didn’t know them as well. You may be at a loss for words, and that’s okay. Finding the right words at a time like this is challenging. When in doubt, use active listening skills, empathy, and respect for what a person says about what they’re going through.
What do I say to someone who’s lost a parent?
The loss of a parent can be a devastating event. Even if they lived a long life, it can come as a shock. When someone close to you loses a parent, reach out and ask if they need anything. This is a time when following the tips in the article above, such as asking if you can check on a person on a particular day, asking if you can bring food or other necessities by, and making yourself available as an emotional support can be incredibly necessary. Make it a priority to show up for this person and to reach out to them continuously. Words of sympathy have a time and place, but grief doesn’t often end quickly or smoothly, and for many of us, the loss of a parent or child is the most painful thing we may ever experience. Following the funeral service, a grieving family will likely be highly distressed. Perhaps not directly after, but soon after the service, you can reach out to see how they’re doing and offer to swing by or help out with a chore. Again, you don’t have to bring it up every time you reach out once substantial time has passed; just be there and try to be an active part of this person’s life rather than distancing out of the fear of not knowing what to say or do. If your loved one brings up their loss, welcome the conversation and allow them to guide the majority of the dialogue so that they can get it all off of their chest.
What do I say to someone who’s lost a spouse?
In addition to words of sympathy, when someone loses a loved one, whether it’s a spouse or not, you can offer kind words to express what a wonderful person they were. You might speak of them as a generous person or someone who made everyone smile. This is yet another time where reaching out is crucial. There may be no replacement for real human connection, even if you’re a long-distance friend and it mostly takes place over the phone. Again, ask if they need anything, offer to help them maintain the household through chores, errands, or providing meals, and be there for them to talk to.
What do I say to someone who’s lost a pet?
Sometimes, the best thing to do is to listen rather than talk. When someone’s lost a pet, they’ll likely feel deeply saddened and might want to reminisce about memories with their animal. For example, they might want to talk about what a good dog their dog was or go over fond memories they had with the pet. A good dog, cat, or any other household pet can change a person’s world, so be there to love and support a person in your life who has lost an animal. You can get them a pet sympathy card and offer heartfelt condolences just as you would for someone who’s deeply saddened by family and friends who have passed.
How do I comfort someone who’s grieving?
Make an effort to reach out on your own to make it known that you really do care and truly are there for your grieving friend or loved one. One of the stages of grief is depression, and when people fall into a state of deep sadness, whether they experience depressive symptoms on a regular basis or not, it can be hard to reach out for help. If you are grieving yourself or if you’re unsure of how to support a close loved one who’s having a hard time, don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a licensed mental health professional who practices online or in an area near you.
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