Different Types Of Conflict Resolution In Relationships

Updated October 15, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

All relationships have conflict. To pretend that everything is perfect in our families, friendships, and romantic relationships are glossing over a big part of our lives. When you are in a relationship with someone, romantic or otherwise, you will butt heads from time to time. We're all different in some form or another. We have different opinions, different needs, and different ideas of how we want things to go. Conflict isn't inherently bad. What can get worse is how we handle it. Conflict resolution is really what we should be focusing on. Instead of outright fighting or giving each other the silent treatment, we can work together to solve a common problem, and hopefully, feel closer to each other because of it. There are many different ways to resolve conflict in your relationships. Here are just a few that you can try out for yourself.

All of us can benefit from increased conflict resolution skills

The three-step process

The Thomas Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument says there are five different conflict management styles:

  • Accommodating Style – Unassertive and cooperative, this style prioritizes other peoples' needs over their own to keep the peace. 

  • Avoiding Style – Unassertive and uncooperative, people with this conflict management style avoid conflict instead of addressing it. 

  • Compromising Style – This style seeks a middle ground, balancing assertiveness and cooperation to partially satisfy everyone.  

  • Collaborating Style – Both assertive and cooperative, people with this style aim to find a win-win solution that satisfies everyone involved. 

  • Competing Style – Assertive and uncooperative, people with this style seek to win in conflicts. 

Each of these conflict management styles can be appropriate for specific situations. For example, competing style may be appropriate when you're standing up for your morals, and avoiding style might be an effective conflict resolution approach if the conflict is trivial or you need more time to think. Regardless of your go-to style, knowing some best practices and resolution strategies for overcoming conflict can be valuable. 

Dr. Susan Heitler, the author of From Conflict to Resolution, wrote a three-step process to conflict resolution for Psychology Today. The steps are 1) recognize there is a problem, 2) explore any underlying concerns, and 3) create a mutually agreeable solution. To solve a conflict, you first have to recognize that there is one. This isn't an excuse for flying off the handle with rage, however. Recognizing that a problem needs to be solved should understand that there is work to be done. Usually, you can tell that there is some form of conflict if you or your partner starts getting agitated or angry. Instead of letting those feelings escalate, recognizing the conflict will allow you both to take time to articulate what is bothering you. You can both calmly explain what you think is going on.

Once you've stated there is a problem, dig deeper. The conflict stems from issues that go far beyond the surface argument. If you both can think about what you're really in conflict about, you will better articulate your needs and fears without jumping to insults or other emotional outbursts. As a plus, when your partner can understand the emotional stance you are coming from, they are more likely to respond with empathy and compassion, even if they still don't agree with you. Finally, once both sides have been heard, you can come to a compromise. Even if you still want different things, you can work together to find a solution that will make you both happy. It won't be exactly what you want, but it will be a mixture of the things you need and your partner's needs.

Use the three-step process as an outline for future conflict. But when you do, be aware of how you are communicating throughout the process. Half-heartedly going through the motions won't get you the outcome that you want. Know that you can only control yourself. You control your words, your actions, and your reactions. Keep the following suggestions in mind the next time you have conflict.

Utilize active listening

Conflict can escalate quickly if one or both of you don't feel like you're being heard. Obviously, there is a discrepancy between you two in how you think of a certain situation. You don't have to go back and forth trying to make the other see your side of the point. Before you can get anywhere in the conflict, you both have to listen to the other's side or perspective. This doesn't mean you have to agree outright, but you have to pay attention and listen with empathy. This is a person you care about and you want to get along with. At the most basic level, giving them room to speak what's on their mind will do wonders for conflict resolution. And when you give them the space to talk, you can expect they will give you that same space in return.

 Watch your tone

So much wasted energy could be recouped if we paid attention to our tone and our body language. Allowing anger and hurt to color how we speak to each other doesn't help to resolve conflict – it only aggravates the problem. When an argument is getting heated, it's okay to take a step back and regroup. If you can't think of anything nice to say or fear that if you speak, you will start shouting, that's a good sign that you should walk away from the conflict for a while. Not every conflict will be resolved in one sitting. Speak calmly and, don't be self-deprecating, and refrain from mocking your partner. The kinder and more open you can be, the better result should come out of your resolution.

Acknowledge each other's emotions

Getty/PeopleImages

It's easy for an outsider to tell you to take emotions off of the table and look and the conflict for what it is. But if we are really honest, emotion plays a huge role in our conflicts. Whether you feel hurt, scared, angry, or tired, it plays a role in what you will do moving forward. You should acknowledge your emotions, as well as the emotions of your partner. Don't let them take over the conflict, but express them calmly to help you communicate more clearly. You feel the way you do for a reason, so you should expect that your emotions are taken into account when you find a resolution to the conflict.

Assume you will come to a resolution

When arguments run long or get overheated, you may be tempted to throw in the towel and say that you'll never find a solution. Resist that urge at every turn. Every argument can come to a solution if you are willing to work at it. When you care about your partner and want to find a place of peace, you have to take the time to see the conflict through to the end. Assuming that you will find a resolution, you'll work harder and be less likely to give up when things get hard. Having a can-do attitude will help to find a common agreement between the two of you.

Never tell each other what to do

Finally, avoid telling your partner exactly how to fix the problem. For men, especially, the urge to "fix" the problem will be hard to fight. Sometimes conflict resolution isn't about a fix or even a Band-Aid; sometimes, it's just about communication and how to do it better. This goes back to listening to your partner. Instead of looking for places that you can fix, be present at the moment and acknowledge your partner's thoughts and feelings. People don't want to be fixed. They mostly want to be heard.

Conflict is something we all face daily. Sometimes these conflicts are minor, everyday irritations. The conflicts are often large, span days, and make us feel lost with no way out. If you are in that spot, know that you aren't alone. Conflict spirals are messy and difficult, but they can be resolved. It's okay to ask for help when you need it. Online therapy is a resource that can help when you need it.

Getty
All of us can benefit from increased conflict resolution skills

Improve conflict resolution skills with a counselor's guidance

With Regain, an online platform that connects people with trained therapists and counselors, you and your partner can get the therapy you need from the comfort of your home. You can use the platform just for yourself, or you can bring your partner into the same chat room so you both can communicate with the same therapist. Use it any time, day or night, without worrying about interrupting your therapist or even feeling scrutinized on the other side of the computer.

Regain is built with you in mind and gives you the flexibility to use it however you want it. Been chatting with a therapist for a while and think you might be ready for a phone session? Set it up directly with your therapist, and you can talk on the phone or through a video service in real-time. And because Regain offers a monthly subscription service, you don't have to worry about over-the-top costs per session. Use it as long as you need and cancel the subscription at any time.

To get more information about the Regain platform and match with a therapist, go to https://www.regain.us/start/.

Takeaway

Conflict resolution gets easier the more you practice it. Whether you decide to get help from a therapist or work diligently with your partner, you will find a rhythm that works for you. Remember that the most important part of conflict resolution is working together with your partner to find a place of peace and happiness.

For Additional Help & Support With Your ConcernsThis website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.
The information on this page is not intended to be a substitution for diagnosis, treatment, or informed professional advice. You should not take any action or avoid taking any action without consulting with a qualified mental health professional. For more information, please read our terms of use.
Get the support you need from one of our therapistsGet Started
This website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.