Do I Like Him Or The Idea Of Him? Understanding Your Feelings For A New Guy
You've just met a new guy, and he seems great. You get along, you enjoy his company, and stronger feelings are stirring inside you. What if this is love, you ask yourself, or at least the beginnings of it? New relationships can be confusing and exciting. You may be heading towards this period and wondering, do I like this person? Is this someone I can see myself being with long-term? What if I only like the idea of this guy, but not the guy himself?
It can be a useful question to ask. If you move forward with someone, you likely want it to be based on genuine interest and closeness. In this article, we’ll explore what it means to like the idea of someone, some of the reasons you may be feeling that way, and how to move forward.
What does it even mean to like the idea of someone?
For many of us, there can be times in our lives when we think we know why we're doing something only to find upon reflection that we completely misunderstood our actual motivations. Feelings and motivations can be complicated. For instance, how many times have you found that you were watching TV or scrolling on social media to procrastinate, not because you were actually interested in what you were seeing?
What does it mean, then, to like the idea of someone but not really like them? Put simply, it means you may be drawn to what a stable, loving relationship provides, or to a certain vision of who this person is in your mind, but not the actual person that you are currently in a relationship with. It means that you are feeling drawn to aspects of this person or this relationship that are not actually based in fact, but rather are ideas you have in your mind.
Why do we like ideas over people?
If you find that you love the idea of a relationship more than the guy you are currently in a relationship with, it is rarely intentional. Most of us want to love and be loved; sometimes we jump into relationships too quickly because we want what love brings.
When genuine appreciation for the other person isn't the primary driver of being together, there can be several other reasons people may be drawn to the relationship or the idea of this person. Some of these can include:
You've had a recent breakup
Breakups can be devastating. Depending on your previous relationship's length and intensity, it can leave you feeling like your life is in shambles. It can be tempting to gravitate towards anything and everything that makes those feelings go away when you feel like that—such as a new relationship with a new guy. If you are using a new relationship as a way to avoid thinking about the pain and loss of your breakup, you may love the idea of not being alone over the person you're with.
You enjoy the attention
Feeling connected and appreciated by others is important for all of us. Having a sense of belonging is extremely rewarding, and some researchers suggest we have a developmental need to belong. When you find a guy who gets you closer to that, you may end up becoming attached to that feeling even if you don't care that much for the guy who raised those feelings.
You don't want to be lonely
Loneliness can feel sad and painful, and sometimes, this feeling of loneliness may drive you to seek a relationship with someone even though you are not genuinely interested in them. Your desire to avoid loneliness may be the primary motivation for a new relationship in some cases, so knowing how to tell if you love someone or you're just avoiding loneliness can be important.
You are feeling social pressure
Friends, family, and even society as a whole can put a lot of pressure on people to find a romantic partner. Maybe your loved ones keep asking whether or not you're dating someone. Maybe they keep telling you that you need to find someone and settle down. They may even say things like, "You're not getting any younger." This pressure can be stressful and have an impact on your decisions. If you are drawn to a relationship with someone because it feels like what others want you to do, not because it makes you happy, it's worth digging into that.
What to do if you like the idea of him
If you have reflected on your relationship and realize that you are mostly attracted to the idea of your new guy, but not him, it can be difficult to figure out how to move forward. Realizing this does not necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed or that he is not a good fit; if you are both interested in creating something more meaningful, you can choose to do that. But you may want to start doing the work to figure out if this guy and this relationship are capable of more.
Check-in with your friends
Chances are, if you are with a new guy who isn't a good fit for you, your friends and family may have noticed. Ask them what they think of your relationship. Do they think your relationship makes sense, or have they been wondering how you guys ended up together? Getting their perspective can be invaluable.
As stated earlier, just because you got into the relationship mostly for the idea of it doesn't mean there can’t be something valuable there. The key to any healthy relationship is often open and honest communication. If you tell him how you feel, it may be an opportunity to grow together if you are both interested in trying to create something deeper.
You may decide to break up
This is something you will have to decide on your own. If you know that you don't care for the guy you are with as much as being in a relationship, breaking up may be the best option. If you are not genuinely interested in him and you are not interested in creating something real, breaking up is likely better for you and him in the long run.
Sort through your feelings in therapy
Relationships can be complicated, and it can be challenging to make sense of your feelings and motivations. Social pressure, fear of loneliness, and love of attention—all of these things and more can complicate our motivations for entering into a relationship. It can be difficult to parse out these feelings on your own, and if you would like additional support with this process, a therapist can help.
There can be many different factors at play that may affect your dating life and relationships, and research has found online therapy to be just as effective as in-person sessions for a range of concerns.
When digging into complicated feelings around dating and relationships, it can be really important to find a therapist who you trust and connect with. With online therapy through Regain, you can get matched with a therapist based on your unique situation, and then it’s easy to switch therapists if you need to in order to find the right fit.
Takeaway
It can be difficult to make sense of our feelings and motivations sometimes, especially when it comes to new relationships. When entering a new relationship, you may wonder if you like the idea of this person more than you actually like them. If this is something you’re wondering, you can consider some of the possible reasons why you may be drawn to the idea of someone, and some of the ways to move forward. For additional support with sorting through your feelings and relationship concerns, online therapy can help.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I like a guy?
You can know you like a guy if your thoughts about him are about who he is rather than what you need. Here are some questions to ask yourself. If your answers are about what you like about him as a person, you most likely like him for yourself. So, if you're wondering, "Do I like him?" then take some time to contemplate these questions.
- Does it feel natural to be around him?
- Do you talk to your friends about him?
- What is it specifically that you like about him?
- What are his characteristics that you appreciate most?
- How do you imagine your future with him?
- Do you feel closer to him than you do to other people?
- Do you find his ideas and opinions fascinating?
- Do you genuinely want to know how he's doing?
- Do you feel a natural inclination to do things for him and not for what he will give you in return (such as love, companionship, or possession)?
- Do you often feel happy just being with him?
- Can you resolve problems without fearing that the relationship will end?
- Do you still make time to engage in your own activities and pursue your own dreams?
- Do you look forward to reconnecting with him after you've been apart, such as for a vacation or work trip?
- Do you have a good time when you go with him to do errands?
- Do you like him for more than just what he looks like?
- If had to choose between the things he gives you or a relationship with him, which would you choose?
- Do you like him both when he's just had major success and when he's just experienced a devastating loss?
Do I like him or just the attention?
It can be hard to separate our need for attention from our attraction to someone. After all, no one wants to feel ignored or neglected by others. And when someone gives you that attention, you naturally enjoy it. But there's a difference between appreciating attention from someone you like and liking the attention no matter who gives it to you. Here are some exercises to help you sort out which of the two is happening with this guy.
- Spend some time alone each day, meditating or just resting, and notice whether you feel at peace with yourself or crave his attention.
- Suggest that he spends the day with his guy friends and pay attention to whether you are happy for him or feeling needy.
- Be honest with him about your concerns that you are attracted to him because he pays so much attention. Then, tell him that today will be a day that's all about him. See how you feel while you shower attention on him, and he basks in your love and care.
- Arrange to be with him when he is doing something that requires his complete focus and concentration. Please note whether you find yourself wanting to call out or gesture to him to try to bring his attention back to you.
Don't get me wrong; there's nothing at all bad about enjoying attention from someone you like. It only becomes a problem when you are so desperate for attention from one person that you feel you can't live without it. If you find yourself craving his attention so much that you can't appreciate him for who he is, it may mean that you have some deeper personal problems to deal with. If so, talking to a counselor is a good way to address those issues to know for sure that you really like the guy for himself.
What are the signs you like someone?
Are you tired of asking yourself, "Do I like him?" and never being quite sure of the answer? Here are several signs that can help you get a better idea of how you feel.
- You enjoy hearing him talk about his interests.
- You look forward to being with him but are not desperate for it.
- You find his sense of humor delightful.
- You are happy for him whenever he achieves his goals.
- You enjoy chatting with him about both trivial matters and deep subjects.
- You can't wait to tell him when something fantastic happened to you.
- You think of him when you wake up and before you go to bed.
- It's easy for you to imagine spending your life with him.
You may recognize many of these signs as true, but remember that you don't have to check off every one of them to be sure you like someone. If any of these signs apply to your feelings, it may mean that you like him very much even though they don't all match your feelings.
Is it OK to tell a man you like him?
Long ago, there was an attitude that the man should make the first move. Even so, women often told the man they liked him directly or in subtle ways. But in current times, it has become easier and more natural for most people to accept that women often tell a guy they like him before he tells her.
That doesn't necessarily mean the woman has to approach the man with her feelings first. What it does mean is that both are free to start the ball rolling. And that's really a wonderful thing!
Does he like me at all?
If you've never talked to him about whether he likes you, it can be very hard to tell. But even if you've addressed the issue, you might wonder if he told you how he really feels. Here are some behavioral clues to help you figure it out.
- He seeks you out when he has free time.
- He starts deep conversations with you.
- He texts you to say good morning, good night, or how's it going?
- He says good things about you to his friends.
- He spontaneously tells you he likes you at times when you don't ask.
If you realize he does like him, the next thing to ask yourself is, “Do I like him?”
How long can a crush last?
In most cases, crushes fade pretty quickly. In fact, psychologists have found that crushes last about four months or less.
One reason crushes don't last long is that you begin to see their flaws when you focus on one person long enough. Another is that you eventually find someone new to be interested in, and you lose interest in your crush. And, if you try to push a relationship on your crush, they may become angry or afraid and lash out at you. This would likely burst your bubble and make you realize the possibility of a relationship is not there. Finally, some crushes lead to serious relationships. In time, the crush aspect of your connection with them goes away as you develop closer bonds and a mutual relationship.
How do you know if a boy likes you but is hiding it?
If a guy likes you and doesn’t want you or others to know, that means he has conflicting feelings or motivations. There are three different types of signs that this might be happening.
First, he will do things to be with you without being obvious. For example, he might arrange to "run into you" often. You may find that whenever he knows you will be somewhere, he shows up, acting as if it is just a coincidence.
Second, he will push you away. For instance, he might start a conversation with you and then break it off abruptly by rushing away or saying something unkind.
Third, he will express his mixed feelings in words and body language. One example is if he says the words, "I really don't like you," but at the same time, he is smiling a warm, friendly smile at you. On the other hand, he might say, “Yeah, I like you,” but then deny it later.
What are the stages of liking someone?
There are many articles out there listing various numbers of stages of liking someone. One such article breaks the process down into four stages of liking someone:
Stage One: You feel attracted to them right away.
Stage Two: You set logic aside and go with your feelings.
Stage Three: You think about whether to be friends with benefits or keep it on a platonic level.
Stage Four: The crush is resolved into something else. Either you start a love relationship, become friends, or abandon the relationship altogether.
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