Do You Feel Like A Dominated Husband? Six Ways To Find Balance In Your Relationship
When you imagine getting married to a person you love, you might envision a life filled with joy, pride, and fun. While these positive emotions are often part of a beautiful relationship – especially in the “honeymoon phase” – some people discover over time that their partner tends to be a bit too dominant in the relationship, and this dynamic is something that causes them to feel like their needs are not important or considered.
You might be married to a particularly headstrong person who seems to make all the decisions in your relationships. You might feel like you don’t have a voice of your own, or that you are emasculated by some of your partner’s behavior. It is important to address these concerns with your partner, as each member of a relationship should feel like their partner has their best interest at heart. Let’s explore some ways to reach a balance in your relationship so that your voice is heard and your needs are met.
Start speaking up more often
The most important thing for you to start doing is to start speaking up more often. Many men feel like dominated husbands, and they choose to keep their mouths shut instead of expressing what is on their minds. If you count yourself as one of these men, you need to start changing how you're doing things. Your partner might be so domineering that you fear speaking up, but if you don’t assert yourself, that enables the dynamic to continue. Your partner should, at the least, hear your opinion and honor the fact that you are impacted by the decisions made within your relationship.
Start speaking up when you have something to add to a topic. Even if it is just something small, it's going to be a step in the right direction. The worst thing that you can do is to clam up and avoid communicating what’s on your mind. Your partner might have taken on a dominant role in the relationship due to your reluctance to speak up about things. It can start to balance out when you let your voice be heard more often.
Be clear about what you want
Speaking up is good, but it's also important to be clear about what you want out of the relationship. You might discover that your partner takes things in a certain direction because they aren’t clear about what you want to do. They could be making decisions under the assumption that you're going to be cool with whatever they decide. Unless you speak up and tell them otherwise, how are they supposed to know? You can't beat around the bush when talking about important topics and still expect to get the results you want.
Try to use clear language when you're discussing things with your partner. This is going to be especially important when you're discussing big life decisions. If your partner is thinking about taking a job in another city and expects you to be fine with moving, you need to be clear about your desires. Don't just go along for a ride if you have strong opinions about how things should go. This is your life, and you should have a say in things. Say how you're feeling and then decide how to proceed with big life decisions as a couple.
Stop agreeing to things that you don't want to do
Another problem that many dominated husbands encounter is that they feel like they're just being taken for a ride. Instead of having input and helping guide a marriage, many husbands let their partners dictate where things are going. Your spouse might ask you to do something, and you are expected to agree to it without question. This is not going to make you feel like you're an equal part of your marriage. The best thing for you to do is stop agreeing to things you don't want to do.
Your spouse might not like it when you stop being agreeable to everything that they suggest; on the other hand, they may feel relieved when you start contributing to the decision-making within the relationship. Before you immediately agree to something, take a few seconds to consider what you want. You can also say, “I’d like some time to think about this – can I get back to you tomorrow?” That way, you don’t feel pressured to make decisions in the moment.
If your partner assigns chores around the house without contributing themselves, then stop enabling this arrangement. Things aren't going to change until you speak up. It might feel tough to stop agreeing when you are used to telling your spouse “Yes” all the time. The first "No" is going to be the hardest one; eventually, you'll start to feel natural when speaking your mind and telling them that you aren't comfortable doing certain things.
Set boundaries and decide what is acceptable
Setting boundaries about what is acceptable in your relationship is also crucial. Some people who have dominant personalities tend to act in ways that are harmful to their more reserved partners. For example, your spouse might belittle you sometimes without really realizing what they are doing. This could be something like calling you a name, or scoffing at your opinion due to feeling like they have more knowledge on the subject. Couples with educational backgrounds often encounter issues like this, but you don't have to accept that behavior.
Set limits regarding what types of behavior you're going to accept and communicate those desires. Allowing someone to insult you or to treat you poorly isn't good for your mental health; ideally, your partner shouldn't want to treat you this way, either. A healthy marriage is one where both parties are working together toward common goals. If your spouse’s behavior regularly causes you to feel down, it is essential to set boundaries. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be authoritarian or aggressive to communicate your needs. You can be direct and assertive without being confrontational, and that often involves communicating how your behavior makes you feel.
Take the lead in areas where you're comfortable
Sometimes it is fine for one member of the couple to take the lead in certain areas. Your partner might be exceptionally good with numbers, so it would seem natural for them to manage your accounts and ensure that the finances are in order. Finding a better balance doesn't mean that someone can't put their skills to use. You could start asserting yourself more by taking the lead in areas where you're comfortable. For instance, you might have a set of skills that make you better at doing certain things than your spouse.
You both have strengths and weaknesses. Your partner might have a dominating personality, but that does not mean that they are perfect or always right. Taking the lead in some areas will help you feel more confident, and it will show your spouse that you are a capable and independent individual. Some men can take charge in more areas than others, but try to consider what you feel comfortable doing.
Work on becoming more independent
Many meek men wind up waiting around for their partners to do things that they want to do. Your entire life might be tied up in doing things alongside your spouse. It's nice to have a desire to spend time with them, but it isn't healthy to not have a life outside of your marriage. Becoming more independent will help you to have a more fulfilling life overall.
Start doing things for yourself that make you happy. Find hobbies that will interest you and let those become something that will bring you comfort. You don't have to wait around for your spouse to start living your life or start having fun. Your partner should factor in your plans, and you shouldn't avoid doing things with them. It's just important not to lose sight of who you are due to your spouse’s dominant personality. Spending some time alone or with friends can be helpful.
Considering online relationship counseling
Sometimes, a neutral third-party observer can provide valuable insight into your relationship and help you identify areas where changes are needed. Online relationship counseling is a great way to turn your relationship around. Your partner might not be aware of how much they are hurting you by dominating the relationship. They might be making you feel small and preventing you from growing as a person, but it isn't necessarily their intent to do so.
Online relationship therapy can be a convenient option for couples because it enables them to schedule virtual therapy sessions at times that are compatible with everyone’s schedule. Additionally, you can attend from any location with a reliable internet connection. Whether you choose to meet with your therapist at home with your partner, or from separate locations (like an office), you can accomplish the goals you establish with your therapist.
Other couples have experienced the benefits of online couples’ therapy, and Regain counselors have assisted them with challenges like becoming more intimate, communicating more effectively, and aligning their parenting approaches. One study recruited 30 couples ranging from 21 to 69 years of age to take part in face-to-face or videoconferencing therapy for relationship-based issues; researchers found that all participants experienced improvements in relationships satisfaction and overall mental health, with no significant differences between the face-to-face and online cohorts.
Working with a counselor online can help you to figure out how you can make subtle changes in your relationship. This should lead to a happier and more fruitful marriage that can work for both of you.
Takeaway
It might take time to get over feeling like a dominated husband. If your partner loves you and you're willing to work on fixing things, then finding the right balance is going to be possible. The empathetic and professional counselors at Regain are available to support you and your partner, should you decide it’s time to try a new strategy. Reach out to a Regain therapist to start working toward a healthy and empowering relationship dynamic for both you and your partner.
Frequently asked questions
How do you cope with an overpowering husband?
Living with an overpowering or controlling spouse can be difficult, especially if it is a new pattern of behavior. Controlling partners often criticize and/or micromanage, making it challenging to keep the peace. However, marriage is supposed to be about balance. So, correcting the behavior is important, and here’s how you do it:
- Try to stay calm. Any signs of anger or frustration could fuel the flames.
- Practice active listening. Try to hear and understand what your partner is saying.
- Be compassionate and empathetic. Their thoughts and feelings matter, too.
- Ask constructive questions. Attempt to reveal how unreasonable the other spouse is being.
- Prepare for denial. Many overpowering spouses may not realize the effects of their actions.
- Set clear boundaries. Let them know what you will and/or won’t endure.
- Establish and enforce consequences. Don’t overuse consequences or risk defeat.
Also, consider working with your spouse to resolve conflicts. Open a dialogue about your wants, needs, and expectations, or seek professional counseling from a licensed relationship therapist for more help.
Why do husbands control their wives?
Husbands and wives control one another for a wide variety of conscious and unconscious reasons. In some cases, the habit is the result of childhood trauma or mental illness. In other cases, the behavior develops over time because of conflict or jealousy. There are also socioeconomic and cultural factors as well, although these are the most common underlying causes:
- A need to dominate
- A desire to punish
- A ploy for pity
- A cloak of deception
- A lack of self-worth
The relationship between two spouses is very unique, but there should still be a balance. Try to discuss your concerns before they become problems and watch for the signs of entitlement. When a spouse is intentionally controlling, they will isolate and manipulate to satisfy their own will. So, seek relationship counseling if the issue gets out of hand or makes you feel like you’ve lost your identity.
How do you live with a dominant wife?
Some spouses are passive, while others are dominant. In certain cases, a dominant/submissive dynamic works for both spouses. But such is not typical, so many spouses try to find a more balanced way to handle conflict.
Controlling spouses will often try to threaten, guilt, scare or manipulate their partners for various reasons. They may also attempt to isolate the other partner from critical friends and family. To live with a partner who is arrogant, domineering, or difficult, here’s what you can do:
- Remain cool, calm. Nobody likes confrontation, especially when it’s emotional.
- Start a conversation. Talk about the “whys” to determine the cause of your partner’s behavior.
- Confront the issue head-on. Try to be gentle, patient, understanding, and empathetic.
- Explain your position. Carefully describe how your spouse’s behaviors are hurting you.
- Determine what you can do. Sometimes, the issue stems from one or both partners.
- Start working together. Change some of your habits or behaviors to nourish the relationship.
- Avoid confrontation. Work with a professional couples’ counselor, who can function as a “referee” to check your language and nonverbal communication during difficult conversations.
Dominant spouses can damage a partner’s self-esteem. So, if the situation gets out of hand, reach out to a therapist or law enforcement for help.
Can my wife take everything in a divorce?
Marital assets get split up based on several factors, including but not limited to the length of the marriage and the state in which the couple was married. In most cases, spouses must agree on the property division before a dissolution of marriage can be completed; however, disagreements and discrepancies are usually handled in divorce court or through mediation.
During divorce court or mediation, spouses must prove their ownership or contribution to various marital assets. Neither the husband nor the wife can lay claim to marital property without arbitration, even if one spouse personally purchased an item or holds ownership paperwork. However, certain exceptions can be given to business-related assets and children.
In general, divorcing spouses may only take their fair amount of community property, and that property must have been acquired during the course of the marriage. If a split is looming and you want to protect yourself from a greedy partner, consider this advice:
- Know the divorce laws in your state
- Identify and document your assets
- Get copies of your financial statements
- Figure out what you want/need to keep
- Save some cash for backup
- Form a team with legal professionals
- Seek online family counseling
Remember, equitable distribution of assets doesn’t always mean a 50/50 split. Still, some spouses may be entitled to maintenance, alimony, or child support on top of what they get awarded in court. So, speak to a lawyer or discuss signing a prenuptial agreement with your betrothed before the wedding.
What is a controlling spouse?
Although controlling behavior is often easy to spot, it may be difficult for some spouses because of familiarity and love. There are several behaviors that are frequently observed in controlling spouses:
- Isolation
- Incessant Criticism
- Frequent Threats
- Conditional Love
- Guilt Tripping
- Snooping and Spying
- Self-Servitude
- Extreme Jealousy
- Unfounded Paranoia
- Violations
In general, controlling spouses feel entitled to know more than they should. They’re also likely to ignore or cross personal boundaries and may exhibit jealousy, anger, or contempt when their demands aren’t met. If you or someone you love is coping with a controlling spouse who causes mental or emotional issues, reach out to a relationship counselor as soon as possible.
How can you tell if your partner is controlling?
While it may be upsetting for your partner to disagree with some of your actions, behaviors, habits, or choices, not every partner with a different perspective is controlling. Controlling partners are usually easy to spot from the outside, but they may be harder to define within the relationship. That’s because each relationship has unique standards and roles, so it’s important to compromise for the sake of love.
However, controlling and manipulative behaviors can creep in slowly over time. This is especially true between spouses who have been together for a while or who never set up healthy boundaries at the beginning of their marriage. To determine whether you’re in a relationship with a controlling partner, look for these signs:
- You get isolated from your critical friends and family
- You receive non-stop criticism from your partner
- Your spouse makes caring about your needs something that’s earned
- Your spouse keeps a scorecard of the things they do for you
- Your spouse uses guilt as a manipulation tool
- Your spouse makes veiled, passive-aggressive threats
More serious cases of control may result in harmful and/or violent behaviors. So, watch for the signs and seek relationship counseling if things feel untenable.
What are the signs of a controlling person?
There are many signs that someone is trying to control you or that they’re a controlling person by nature. There are also many reasons for this behavior, so practice compassion and empathy when interacting with a controlling, dominant, or domineering person. Here is how to tell either way:
- They place blame on you
- They are constantly critical
- They try to isolate you
- They are always keeping score
- They try to intimidate you
- They are moody and temperamental
- They seem to thrive off of creating drama
- They are often jealous
- They ignore or test personal boundaries
- They are interested in changing you
- They deny their controlling behavior
- They are conditionally loving and affectionate
Often, controlling behaviors are a sign or caused by mental, emotional, and/or physical abuse. However, a couple may have a unique dynamic which only appears domineering or disrespectful from the outside. So, speak to your partner about your thoughts and feelings, or seek counseling if there’s an issue with unhealthy dominance in your relationship.
What does gaslighting mean?
Gaslighting involves forcing someone to question their perspectives or memories based on manipulative tactics. It’s a subtle form of mental and emotional abuse that’s most commonly used by controlling partners. Examples include discrediting contradictory sources, diverting attention, denial, and hiding things.
How does a dominant person behave?
Is a dominant person good?
Is dominance good in a relationship?
Is dominance healthy in a relationship?
What is a dominant person like?
How do you interact with a dominant man?
Why do females prefer dominant males?
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