Emotional Unavailability: Exploring The Avoidance Of Intimacy And Emotions

Emotional availability in a relationship can be a pivotal part of creating healthy, lasting connections and consistent feelings of closeness or support. A lack of emotional availability can be frustrating, whether it is coming from one partner or both, and it can manifest and present in numerous ways. No matter the manifestation, not being emotionally available may tend to cause fights and miscommunication between partners, leading to sometimes severe cases of disconnection from one another. Unfortunately, not being emotionally available isn't always that easy to recognize, and it can be even more difficult to manage successfully without some form of help or intervention. Fortunately, there are ways to combat a lack of emotional availability and develop strong, healthy attachments with your partner.

Understanding feelings of emotional unavailability

Being emotionally unavailable may lead a person to have a hard time opening up to others, speaking their mind, or sharing their emotional vulnerabilities. These challenges can make it difficult to form a deep, lasting, and loving connection with a partner. 

At first, someone who may not be able to easily connect with others may come across as being charismatic and full of life, or the emotionally unavailable partner might at first seem like a good person to connect to as a significant other. However, as the relationship between a person who is not emotionally available and their partner progresses, their behavior may grow evasive and hard to pin down.

People who fear or are unsure of how to develop emotional connections may be more likely to avoid taking actions that indicate commitment. Emotionally unavailable people may avoid talking about and doing things that would progress the relationship further in intimacy (whether the intimacy is emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, or otherwise).

Are you emotionally available?

People who may not always demonstrate emotional availability often don't mean to put up walls to their partners and those close to them. So then, how do you know if you're not giving 100% to your significant other when it comes to intimacy and support? 

Of course, if your partner directly tells you that you're exhibiting signs of not being emotionally available, that can help, but if your partner hasn't told you this, there are still some things that you can check to make sure that you're emotionally available.

Avoidance of emotions and intimacy

One of the first and most obvious signs of someone having difficulty connecting relates to active avoidance of emotions and intimacy. Many (though not all) people who may not form healthy attachments may exhibit some tendency to avoid rather than confront their emotions, whether it be through substances, alcohol, work, video games, or something else entirely. 

These individuals may work hard to avoid addressing or acknowledging their emotions. Thus, these distractions can help them adequately avoid emotional involvement for extended periods, leading to emotional unavailability. If you find yourself spending excessive amounts of time doing a particular activity with the active intent of avoiding a person, conversation, or feeling, this may be a significant sign of not being emotionally available.

Blame placement and emotional unavailability

Blame placement can be a common sign that someone is not emotionally available. If you frequently notice yourself judging your significant other harshly or blaming them in an argument, it may be in part to avoid your own emotions or address the situation head-on. It can, in essence, act as another sign of emotional unavailability. 

Feelings of desiring control

Controlling behavior (or even just a minimal desire to give up one's control to a trustworthy partner) may indicate the need for further assistance with healthy attachment. Because giving up control often elicits change, which usually means a new set of feelings during the transition period, these individuals may fight against change by using controlling behaviors. 

Observe your patterns. If you see that you are evasive when it comes to change and don't give up control easily (or actively try to control your significant other's behavior), it may be time to look inward and evaluate your behavior.

Luckily, even if you are showing signs of not being emotionally available, you can take steps to open up more and learn to let others in. This trait can often result from a childhood where parents and close relatives were emotionally (or otherwise) unavailable. That means it may be embedded into your behavior in a way that requires small changes over time; it can take a while to unlearn unconscious habits, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to do so. 

What to do if your partner shows signs of emotional unavailability or intimacy avoidance

It is not always easy to see insecure attachment patterns immediately in a relationship. The indicators may not be visible until well into a long-term relationship. But if you feel unable to connect with your partner, blindsided by their concerns or complaints, or like you can’t navigate emotional conversations with them successfully, it may be time to make a change.

Once you have determined that you or your partner shows signs of insecure attachment, communication is usually the next step. You can either approach your partner to ask them about how they feel about emotional vulnerability or share your challenges with them. Starting a conversation without judgment or pressure can help everyone involved feel more in tune with each other and limit the potential for serious conflict down the road. 

How to manage your mental health when you are emotionally unavailable

Managing not being emotionally available often starts with acknowledging the presence of unresolved pain or distance and the observation that it may need to be managed to improve and continue close, intimate relationships. Admitting that there is a problem and accepting the responsibility to solve it may be one of the first and most important things to do to begin the resolution journey.

How to seek help from a mental health professional

Once it has been recognized that there's a problem, it can be beneficial to seek professional support and guidance. You and your partner may benefit from speaking to a licensed mental health therapist who specializes in relationships and helping people overcome emotional obstacles. Therapy can be helpful on an individual level and for couples who decide to attend sessions together. 

Benefits of online therapy for people experiencing emotional unavailability

Online therapy may make it easier to delve into challenging discussions and regularly attend therapy together. Because you can join sessions from the comfort of your own home, you can save time, money, and stress by speaking to a therapist through the web.

Plus, research suggests that online therapy might be a more beneficial option for some couples than in-person therapy. One study revealed that many online couples therapy participants felt they could divulge more over digital mediums and found online therapy to be useful, perhaps because it creates some space between a therapist and their client(s).

No matter how you decide to seek help, connecting with someone who has knowledge of and experience working with emotional unavailability can make a huge difference.

Takeaway

Although emotional unavailability can have serious consequences for closeness and intimacy with a significant other, it does not have to spell disaster. If you believe you or a loved one may be emotionally unavailable, there are treatment options that can help, including professional mental health services like therapy. Growing and changing to share your emotions for your benefit and that of your significant other can have repercussions that extend far beyond a single romantic relationship, so it’s an effort that’s likely well worth pursuing.