Overcoming Jealousy In Relationships To Strengthen Bonds
Jealousy is typically viewed as a negative emotion, and excessive jealousy can significantly harm a relationship. However, jealousy is a normal emotion most people feel, and it serves a useful purpose in relationships. Jealousy becomes dangerous when it is felt to a degree that causes distress to one or both partners in a relationship, but there are ways to mitigate the effects of ongoing jealousy. If excessive jealousy in a relationship is not in response to untrustworthy behavior, it can often be brought in check by improving self-esteem, personal security, and confidence.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy can be viewed as both a positive and a negative trait of relationships. On the one hand, jealousy can negatively impact relationship cohesion by creating an environment that reduces trust between partners. On the other, jealousy drives mate retention and acts as a force to help keep partners together.
Jealousy is a reaction to losing something – or someone – that you already have. It is different from envy, which is the feeling you get when you wish you could have something that isn't yours. Jealousy, in essence, is a fear of loss or something being taken, while envy is a desire to have something that others do, like a better career or body.
Jealousy is a typical human emotion that is experienced by most people. It is most often expressed in romantic relationships, but it also appears elsewhere. Feelings of jealousy are unique to each person, and the exact factors that produce feelings of jealousy differ. However, current research suggests common themes in how jealousy appears. In relationships, men are more likely than women to become upset at the possibility of sexual infidelity. In contrast, women are more likely to become upset at the suggestion of emotional infidelity or a loss of commitment from their partner.
Women are also more likely to become distressed by the physical appearance of potential romantic rivals, while men are more likely to become distressed by rivals with more resources. Jealousy serves as a cue to safeguard a valued relationship from external threats, and it is thought to be useful in moderation. Excessive jealousy or jealous feelings not rooted in reality are significantly more harmful and may help destroy a romantic relationship rather than protect it.
Types of jealousy in a relationship
There are many theoretical models that differentiate jealousy and feeling jealous into specific subtypes. One model describes three types of jealousy: reactive, possessive, and anxious.
- Reactive jealousy is jealous feelings that are a direct response to intimate emotional or sexual encounters a partner has with another person, such as in cases of infidelity.
- Possessive jealousy refers to behaviors that a person engages in to prevent their partner from interacting with a potential interloper in the relationship, such as requesting that their partner no longer engage in social interactions with that person.
- Anxious jealousy refers to obsessions and suspicions about potential infidelity or other behaviors that may damage the relationship, such as forming emotional connections with others.
Jealousy has both a cognitive and emotional component. The cognitive components of jealousy refer to the thoughts and worries one may have about potential threats to their relationship, and emotional jealousy refers to the feelings and experience of a perceived threat.
Negative effects of jealousy
Jealousy is commonly considered to be a negative trait. One study observed that those who display jealous behaviors are seen as "neurotic, socially anxious, rigid, and hostile" by others. Researchers theorize that possessive and anxious jealousy serve the person experiencing them more than the relationship. Possessive and anxious jealousy arises from suspicions that have no evidence supporting them and have the potential to significantly disrupt the balance of trust in a relationship.
Trust and jealousy are inherently linked. Research suggests that jealousy increases as certainty in the strength of a relationship falls. Diminished trust is central to the harmful effects of jealousy. Low trust in a relationship can introduce concerns related to intimacy, quality time, and the ability of each partner to be confident in the future of their relationship.
Research also indicates that jealousy is associated with several aspects of relationship weakness. It is associated with being emotionally dependent on a partner, an ongoing need for approval, and significant decreases in relationship satisfaction. At its most extreme, jealousy can produce anger and aggression, often directed at the suspected romantic rival.
Positive effects of jealousy
One prominent theory explaining jealousy's origins suggests that it serves as a drive to maintain a stable relationship. Jealousy may be an adaptive emotion that alerts a person they are in danger of losing their partner to a romantic rival. In this sense, jealousy may be protective if it signals to a partner to increase positive behaviors in the relationship. Although often associated with negative traits, mate retention behaviors are often positive.
Common positive mate-retention behaviors include appearance enhancement for women, such as using makeup and perfume. Men typically display intimacy-related behaviors, such as increased affection and desire for quality time. Positive mate retention behaviors, driven by feelings of jealousy, can significantly improve relationship quality. However, the relationship will likely be harmed if jealousy becomes excessive or possessive.
Managing jealousy
If you're struggling to control your jealousy, there are options. Harmful jealousy is strongly associated with insecurity, and understanding how jealousy affects you and your mental health can help you take steps to become more secure. Personal security is related to self-esteem and confidence, and raising both can significantly lower feelings of jealousy. While it does take some time, jealous feelings can be managed. Tips for handling jealous feelings are outlined below:
Identify your cognitive distortions
Jealousy is a feeling, and feelings are not always rooted in fact. Maladaptive thought processes, also known as cognitive distortions, are unhelpful thoughts that lead a person to inaccurate assumptions. Common cognitive distortions associated with jealousy include:
- Jumping to conclusions. Low self-esteem and insecurity can lead a person to reach conclusions without factual basis. If you have assumptions about your relationship that drive feelings of jealousy, consider taking time to ensure those assumptions are based on facts, not feelings.
- Over-generalization. Over-generalization occurs when a person applies one situation to similar situations, such as believing that because a friend experienced infidelity in their relationship, most relationships experience infidelity.
- Catastrophizing. A person catastrophizes when they assume the worst from otherwise benign information. It is one of the drivers of possessive behavior in relationships, such as when a person assumes that because their partner is texting someone who isn't them, they must be texting a romantic rival.
- Black-and-white thinking. Most situations have subtleties and grey areas, and black-and-white thinking can make them unclear. It can often lead to unreasonable conclusions, such as assuming that because a partner gets lunch with an old friend, they must be cheating.
Journal and visualize
Negative feelings of jealousy can push positive, relationship-enhancing thoughts from your mind. Taking an active approach to put positivity into your thought process can significantly reduce jealousy. Research suggests that remembering and visualizing times when you felt loved, supported, and secure with your partner can improve relationship security and minimize jealousy.
Consider writing down happy, secure memories of your relationship in a journal and revisiting those memories when you feel jealous. You can also use a journal to record when you are most jealous. Understanding when jealousy is likely to strike can help you better understand how to avoid jealous feelings.
Overcoming jealousy in relationships through compersion
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy, referring to a feeling of happiness or joy at seeing a romantic partner connect with another. Compersion does not usually refer to sexual intimacy unless a couple practices some form of consensual nonmonogamy. It typically refers to behaviors that may be associated with the negative effects of jealousy.
For example, if you find yourself becoming uncomfortable because your partner has made a new friend – and in this case, there is no sign of romantic intent – practicing compersion can help you feel happy for your partner's new friendship. If you're feeling jealous with no factual evidence of infidelity, take a moment to try to feel happiness consciously and deliberately for your partner. Your jealousy will likely reduce.
How online therapy helps in overcoming jealousy in relationships
Online therapy allows you to access the guidance of a skilled therapist from your own home. Online therapy can help individuals explore the root causes of jealousy, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and improve communication within their relationships. Therapy can be useful when feelings of jealousy are difficult to manage on their own or if you need help building self-esteem and confidence. Therapists who practice online use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists. In most cases, the therapeutic process is identical to in-office therapy but without the barriers to accessing care, like traveling to an office or being restricted to nearby therapists only. Although the therapy is administered online, evidence indicates it is just as effective as in-person therapy.
Takeaway
Jealousy can be extremely harmful in romantic relationships, but it can also be protective. If jealousy is not excessive, it drives mate retention behaviors that increase relationship quality. If jealousy occurs when there is no factual basis for it, it can reduce relationship quality and increase conflict. Addressing problematic jealousy begins with increased self-esteem and confidence. Practicing compersion, or choosing to be happy when a partner has a close experience with another person, can also reduce feelings of jealousy.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is the root cause of jealousy?
Jealousy usually comes from a place of fear or insecurity. It might be the fear of losing something or someone important to you or a deep feeling that you’re not enough. Sometimes, it’s tied to past experiences, like being hurt or overlooked, which can make you more sensitive to perceived threats.
Can you overcome jealousy?
Yes, but it takes self-reflection and effort. Start by acknowledging your feelings instead of pushing them away. Ask yourself why you’re feeling jealous—what’s the deeper fear or insecurity driving it? Building confidence, learning to trust, and communicating openly with others can help. It’s a process, but with time, jealousy can become something you manage rather than something that controls you.
What are the four stages of jealousy?
Jealousy often starts with a trigger—something that sparks feelings of insecurity or fear. Then comes the emotional response, like anger, sadness, or anxiety. This leads to a flood of thoughts, such as “What if I lose them?” or “Why aren’t I good enough?” Finally, there’s the behavioral stage, where you might act out—whether it’s withdrawing, becoming overly clingy, or trying to control the situation.
What are the three levels of jealousy?
Jealousy can range from mild, where you feel a brief pang that’s easy to shake off, to moderate, where it lingers and starts to influence your thoughts. At its most intense, jealousy can become all-consuming, leading to irrational behavior or obsessive thoughts that harm relationships.
Is jealousy a mental issue?
Jealousy on its own isn’t a mental illness, but it can signal deeper issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, or trauma. If jealousy becomes overwhelming or starts interfering with your life, it might be worth exploring with a therapist to understand what’s really going on.
What is jealousy a symptom of?
Jealousy often reflects feelings of inadequacy or fear. It can point to unresolved insecurities, a lack of trust in relationships, or even past trauma. It’s less about the person or situation you’re jealous of and more about what’s happening inside you.
Is jealousy a form of anxiety?
In a way, yes. Jealousy often stems from fears about what might happen—like losing someone or being left behind—which overlaps with the worry and overthinking common in anxiety. The two can feed into each other, creating a cycle of fear and doubt.
Is jealousy natural or learned?
Jealousy is a natural human emotion, but how we express and handle it is learned. From a young age, we pick up cues from our families, friends, and culture about how to react when we feel threatened or insecure. That’s why some people manage jealousy well while others struggle with it.
Is jealousy a trauma response?
It can be. If you’ve experienced betrayal, rejection, or abandonment in the past, you might be more prone to jealousy as a way to protect yourself from being hurt again. In these cases, jealousy isn’t just about the current situation—it’s tied to unresolved pain from the past.
What does jealousy say about a person?
Jealousy doesn’t make someone “bad”; it just shows that they care deeply and might feel vulnerable or insecure in some way. It’s a signal that something inside them—whether it’s fear, self-doubt, or a lack of trust—needs attention and compassion.
How is jealousy tackled in a relationship?
The key is communication. Share your feelings with your partner in a way that focuses on how you feel rather than placing blame. For example, say, “I feel insecure when...” instead of, “You make me jealous when...” Work together to build trust and set boundaries that make you both feel secure. Sometimes, individual work on self-esteem is just as important as what happens within the relationship.
What can jealousy do to friendships and other relationships?
Jealousy can create tension and distance in relationships. It might lead to misunderstandings, resentment, or even competition if left unaddressed. In some cases, it can damage trust and make people feel unsupported or undervalued. However, when handled openly and kindly, it can be an opportunity to strengthen bonds and deepen understanding.
What can be done to correct jealous behavior?
Start by recognizing when jealousy is taking over and pause to reflect on why. Instead of acting on it, think about what’s really bothering you—are you feeling insecure, left out, or undervalued? Work on building confidence and shifting your focus to gratitude for what you have. If jealousy is affecting your relationships, talk about it honestly with the people involved or seek guidance from a counselor.
How do you avoid jealousy toward other people's success?
The best way to avoid jealousy is to focus on your own path and celebrate your progress. Remind yourself that someone else’s success doesn’t diminish your own potential. Gratitude helps, too—when you shift your focus to what’s going well in your life, it’s easier to appreciate others without feeling threatened. If envy arises, use it as motivation to work toward your own goals.
How can jealousy lead to mental health illness?
When jealousy becomes constant or overwhelming, it can fuel anxiety, depression, or obsessive thinking. Over time, it can damage self-esteem and relationships, creating a sense of isolation. If it’s left unchecked, jealousy can spiral into deeper emotional struggles, which is why addressing it early is so important for mental health.
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