How To Overcome Jealousy In Your Relationship

Jealousy is typically viewed as a negative emotion, and excessive jealousy can significantly harm a relationship. However, jealousy is a normal emotion most people feel, and it serves a useful purpose in relationships. Jealousy becomes dangerous when it is felt to a degree that causes distress to one or both partners in a relationship, but there are ways to mitigate the effects of ongoing jealousy. If excessive jealousy in a relationship is not in response to untrustworthy behavior, it can often be brought in check by improving self-esteem, personal security, and confidence.  

What is jealousy?

Jealousy can be viewed as both a positive and a negative trait of relationships. On the one hand, jealousy can negatively impact relationship cohesion by creating an environment that reduces trust between partners. On the other, jealousy drives mate retention and acts as a force to help keep partners together.

Jealousy is a reaction to losing something – or someone – that you already have. It is different from envy, which is the feeling you get when you wish you could have something that isn't yours. Jealousy, in essence, is a fear of loss, or something being taken, while envy is a desire to have something that others do, like a better career or body.

Jealousy is a typical human emotion that is experienced by most people. It is most often expressed in romantic relationships, but it also appears elsewhere. Feelings of jealousy are unique to each person, and the exact factors that produce feelings of jealousy differ. However, current research suggests common themes in how jealousy appears. In relationships, men are more likely than women to become upset at the possibility of sexual infidelity. In contrast, women are more likely to become upset at the suggestion of emotional infidelity or a loss of commitment from their partner.

Women are also more likely to become distressed by the physical appearance of potential romantic rivals, while men are more likely to become distressed by rivals with more resources. Jealousy serves as a cue to safeguard a valued relationship from external threats, and it is thought to be useful in moderation. Excessive jealousy or jealous feelings not rooted in reality are significantly more harmful and may help destroy a romantic relationship rather than protect it.

There are many theoretical models that differentiate jealousy and feeling jealous into specific subtypes. One model describes three types of jealousy: reactive, possessive, and anxious.

• Reactive jealousy is jealous feelings that are a direct response to intimate emotional or sexual encounters a partner has with another person, such as in cases of infidelity.
• Possessive jealousy is behaviors that a person engages in to prevent their partner from interacting with a potential interloper in the relationship, such as requesting that their partner no longer engage in social interactions with that person.
• Anxious jealousy refers to obsessions and suspicions about potential infidelity or other behaviors that may damage the relationship, such as forming emotional connections with others.

Jealousy has both a cognitive and emotional component. The cognitive components of jealousy refer to the thoughts and worries one may have about potential threats to their relationship, and emotional jealousy refers to the feelings and experience of a perceived threat.

Negative effects of jealousy

Jealousy is commonly considered to be a negative trait. One study observed that those who display jealous behaviors are seen as "neurotic, socially anxious, rigid, and hostile" by others. Researchers theorize that possessive and anxious jealousy serve the person experiencing them more than the relationship. Possessive and anxious jealousy arise from suspicions that have no evidence supporting them and have the potential to significantly disrupt the balance of trust in a relationship.

Trust and jealousy are inherently linked. Research suggests that jealousy increases as certainty in the strength of a relationship falls. Diminished trust is central to the harmful effects of jealousy. Low trust in a relationship can introduce concerns related to intimacy, quality time, and the ability of each partner to be confident in the future of their relationship.

Research also indicates that jealousy is associated with several aspects of relationship weakness. It is associated with being emotionally dependent on a partner, an ongoing need for approval, and significant decreases in relationship satisfaction. At its most extreme, jealousy can produce anger and aggression, often directed at the suspected romantic rival.

Positive effects of jealousy

One prominent theory explaining jealousy's origins suggests that it serves as a drive to maintain a stable relationship. Jealousy may be an adaptive emotion that alerts a person they are in danger of losing their partner to a romantic rival. In this sense, jealousy may be protective if it signals to a partner to increase positive behaviors in the relationship. Although often associated with negative traits, mate retention behaviors are often positive.

Common positive mate-retention behaviors include appearance enhancement for women, such as using makeup and perfume. Men typically display intimacy-related behaviors, such as increased affection and desire for quality time. Positive mate retention behaviors, driven by feelings of jealousy, can significantly improve relationship quality. However, the relationship will likely be harmed if jealousy becomes excessive or possessive.

Managing jealousy

If you're struggling to control your jealousy, there are options. Harmful jealousy is strongly associated with insecurity, and understanding how jealousy affects you and your mental health can help you take steps to become more secure. Personal security is related to self-esteem and confidence, and raising both can significantly lower feelings of jealousy. While it does take some time, jealous feelings can be managed. Tips for handling jealous feelings are outlined below:

Identify your cognitive distortions

Jealousy is a feeling, and feelings are not always rooted in fact. Maladaptive thought processes, also known as cognitive distortions, are unhelpful thoughts that lead a person to inaccurate assumptions. Common cognitive distortions associated with jealousy include:

• Jumping to conclusions. Low self-esteem and insecurity can lead a person to reach conclusions without factual basis. If you have assumptions about your relationship that drive feelings of jealousy, consider taking time to ensure those assumptions are based on facts, not feelings.
• Over-generalization. Over-generalization occurs when a person applies one situation to similar situations, such as believing that because a friend experienced infidelity in their relationship, most relationships experience infidelity.
• Catastrophizing. A person catastrophizes when they assume the worst from otherwise benign information. It is one of the drivers of possessive behavior in relationships, such as when a person assumes that because their partner is texting someone that isn't them, they must be texting a romantic rival.
• Black-and-white thinking. Most situations have subtleties and grey areas, and black-and-white thinking can make them unclear. It can often lead to unreasonable conclusions, such as assuming that because a partner gets lunch with an old friend, they must be cheating.

Journal and visualize

Negative feelings of jealousy can push positive, relationship-enhancing thoughts from your mind. Taking an active approach to put positivity into your thought process can significantly reduce jealousy. Research suggests that remembering and visualizing times when you felt loved, supported, and secure with your partner can improve relationship security and minimize jealousy.

Consider writing down happy, secure memories of your relationship in a journal and revisiting those memories when you feel jealous. You can also use a journal to record when you are most jealous. Understanding when jealousy is likely to strike can help you better understand how to avoid jealous feelings.

Cultivate compersion

Compersion is the opposite of jealousy, referring to a feeling of happiness or joy at seeing a romantic partner connect with another. Compersion does not usually refer to sexual intimacy unless a couple practices some form of consensual nonmonogamy. It typically refers to behaviors that may be associated with the negative effects of jealousy.

For example, if you find yourself becoming uncomfortable because your partner has made a new friend – and in this case, there is no sign of romantic intent – practicing compersion can help you feel happy for your partner's new friendship. If you're feeling jealous with no factual evidence of infidelity, take a moment to try to feel happiness consciously and deliberately for your partner. Your jealousy will likely reduce.

How can online therapy help?

Online therapy allows you to access the guidance of a skilled therapist from your own home. Therapy can be useful when feelings of jealousy are difficult to manage on their own or if you need help building self-esteem and confidence. Therapists who practice online use the same evidence-based techniques as traditional therapists. In most cases, the therapeutic process is identical to in-office therapy but without the barriers to accessing care, like traveling to an office or being restricted to nearby therapists only. Although the therapy is administered online, evidence indicates it is just as effective as in-person therapy.

Takeaway

Jealousy can be extremely harmful in romantic relationships, but it can also be protective. If jealousy is not excessive, it drives mate retention behaviors that increase relationship quality. If jealousy occurs when there is no factual basis for it, it can reduce relationship quality and increase conflict. Addressing problematic jealousy begins with increased self-esteem and confidence. Practicing compersion, or choosing to be happy when a partner has a close experience with another person, can also reduce feelings of jealousy.