Healing Abandonment Issues: Will I Ever Feel Whole Again?

The issue of abandonment is a deep and painful one. The pain is difficult to heal from, and it lasts a long time for some, a lifetime.

Issues of abandonment can stem from physical or emotional abandonment. Feelings of abandonment result in fear. Repeated issues of abandonment or long-term abandonment create toxic shame. The abandoned person begins to feel that they’re not important and they don’t have value. The central cause of their shame for child victims of abandonment relates to feelings of abandonment and having distorted boundaries when children are developing their self-worth.

This isn’t a reflection of a child’s inherent innocence and goodness. Issues of abandonment and distorted boundaries fall squarely on the shoulders of the child’s caretaker, which manifests in defecting thinking, untrue beliefs, and compromised behaviors of those who hurt them.

To heal from abandonment, the abandoned person needs to understand abandonment, let go of shame, and understand and embrace their worth. Certain types of therapies are geared toward issues of abandonment.

Understanding physical abandonment

The issue of abandonment is not yet well understood. Abandonment issues are under-represented in the mental health field—the DSM doesn’t even list complex trauma as a diagnosis, and it doesn’t list abandonment as a cause for mental health diagnosis.

Children need certain physical conditions to help them feel safe. Lack of appropriate supervision, lack of food and proper nutrition, inadequate clothing, and inadequate shelter threaten a child’s sense of safety. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse also lead to children feeling abandoned and unsafe in their environments.

Children are dependent on their caretakers to provide safety. When they’re not taken care of properly, they begin to see the world as an unsafe place. They lose trust in adults and learn that they can only rely on themselves to feel safe. They begin to feel that they don’t deserve positive attention and proper care.

It’s not as common, but physical abandonment can happen to adults as well. One spouse may try to control the finances and physical environment of the other. It also occurs when a caretaking adult fails to provide proper physical care for another adult.

Understanding emotional abandonment

Even when parents provide physical care and attention to children, they can fail to provide them with emotional attention, which is just as bad. Children who don’t receive support for healthy emotional development feel that they have to hide their true selves to be accepted and not rejected. Their accomplishments and achievements are minimally acknowledged or not acknowledged at all.

They don’t feel as though they can make a mistake in how they respond, so they learn not to show any emotional response at all. Everyone else’s needs are placed above their own. They learn that it’s okay not to show their true feelings because someone is always telling them they shouldn’t feel the way they do.

In an article called “Understanding the Pain of Abandonment,” author Dr. Claudia Black states, “I like to define emotional abandonment as “occurring when a child has to hide a part of who he or she is to be accepted or not to be rejected.”

Parents who emotionally abuse their children aim their criticisms at the child, not their behavior. They make their children feel worthless when they can’t do anything. When children speak, parents constantly ignore or dismiss them. Over time, children start to think that being invisible is a good thing, and they retreat into themselves. If they aren’t seen or heard, no one can hurt them.

Adults can also be victims of emotional abuse. Men or women can be abusers. The premise is the same as it is for children. One adult doesn’t allow the other to express emotion because they don’t believe it is worthy of it. One person makes the other feel unworthy of love and attention. Adults who are victimized begin to isolate themselves and retreat from society.

Types of treatment for abandonment issues

It’s difficult, if not impossible, for people to heal from abandonment on their own. That’s mostly because various situations occur in life that retrigger feelings of loss and abandonment. Fortunately, various therapies are available to help individuals heal from abandonment.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)

Without appropriate treatment, people learn to cope with their feelings of abandonment in different ways. Some people try to ignore it, some question their worth, and some become angry or introverted. Abandonment creates feelings of loss, and the way to heal from loss is through grief counseling. CBT is a type of talk therapy that can help you understand that the stages of grief are predictable. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In grief counseling, you’ll learn more about the stages of grief, which stage you are in, and how to deal with every stage. In a study published in Current Opinion in Psychiatry, researchers stated that online platforms are effective in treating anxiety, noting specifically the benefits of online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

Eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is a type of psychotherapy that helps people heal from the symptoms and emotional distress caused by experiences in real life. EMDR has proven to help people faster than other types of healing for trauma and abandonment. The brain’s process normally moves toward good mental health even when it’s been injured. When a disturbing event blocks the brain’s pathway toward healing, the emotional wound worsens and causes suffering. When that disturbing event is removed, healing can take place. Clinicians use the procedures of EMDR therapy to help activate their clients’ natural healing processes.

Play therapy

The Association for Play Therapy (APT) defines play therapy as “the systematic use of a theoretical model to establish an interpersonal process wherein trained play therapists use the therapeutic powers of play to help clients prevent or resolve psychosocial difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development.”

In simple terms, play therapy is a way to help children and adults to express themselves better and resolve their problems using the language of children, which is play. In addition to treating abandonment issues, play therapy is appropriate for dealing with behavioral problems, anger management, grief, loss, divorce, crisis, and trauma. Play therapy is effective regardless of age, gender, or nature of the problem. It works best when a parent, family, or caretaker is actively involved in the process.

Trust-based relational intervention (TBRI)®

TBRI is a type of therapy that is attachment-based and trauma-informed. It was designed to meet the needs of children who have physical and emotional abandonment issues—essentially for children from hard places. According to Karyn Purvis, the founder of this therapy, “TBRI® uses Empowering Principles to address physical needs, Connecting Principles for attachment needs, and Correcting Principles to disarm fear-based behaviors. While the intervention is based on years of attachment, sensory processing, and neuroscience research, the heartbeat of TBRI® is a connection.”

Couples therapy

The wounds from emotional and physical abandonment run deep. Left untreated, the symptoms can remain for a lifetime. The pain from their abuse can interfere with their relationships with their partners, children, and friends. It’s often difficult for them to realize that they need treatment on their own. Sometimes a supportive, encouraging spouse or partner can be instrumental in leading them to the proper treatment and providing the necessary support along the way. Couples therapy can often be a helpful way to lead the abused person toward healing and strengthen other familial relationships simultaneously.

Neurological reorganization

As children grow and develop, their brains and bodies go through a specific sequence of development. When they’ve been seriously neglected or abused, it destroys the normal pathways to the brain that tell them how to respond under certain circumstances. The therapy is appropriate for children and adults dealing with issues of early childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, drug exposure, or institutionalization.

Neurological reorganization is a type of therapy that takes a multi-dimensional approach that includes emotional, behavioral, academic, and sensory issues. The therapy duplicates the developmental sequence to confront the root of the neurodevelopmental disorder. Rather than teach a child to compensate for feelings of abandonment, this therapy treats the problem at the root.

Neurological reorganization works well with other types of trauma and attachment-based therapies because it removes barriers that stand in the path of healing. Neurological reorganization allows the brain to reorganize itself so that other therapies can go to work in helping children and adults heal.

Takeaway

The fact is, you can heal from abandonment issues, even under the most difficult life-altering circumstances. You don’t have to live with emotional wounds forever. It’s possible to understand and accept painful trauma and heal from it. Everyone has worth and is worthy of living a happy, healthy life. It’s a matter of getting the right treatment from the right professional and having the support of those who love and care for you.