Help! I Don't Know How To Be In A Relationship

Is this your first relationship? Or have you been in a few that never seem to work out? Putting your heart on the line for someone else can be scary and exhilarating all at the same time. If you’ve been hurt several times, you may be hesitant to get into another relationship. Perhaps it feels like you’re the problem and you’re wondering if you know how to be in a relationship at all. Though many relationships can come with awkwardness, conflict, and vulnerability, the benefits that coexist alongside these things can often make it worth it. Being in a relationship may sound complicated, but they can also give you a chance to grow and learn more about yourself and another person. In this article, we’ll be discussing how to deal with conflict, apologize, and communicate effectively, among other tips. With time, you can discover how to be in a relationship that promotes happiness and health. 

Internet etiquette

First or new relationships can feel special and exciting. Often, you’ll want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone you know. However, this may not be what’s right for the relationship at the time. Here are a few things to consider about internet etiquette.

When to update your Facebook status

As soon as you're officially dating someone, you may feel the urge to update your relationship status. However, it can be important to keep in mind that this relationship isn't only about you. Be sure to ask your partner before you make any public posts online, at least in the beginning. Being in a relationship is about bringing two lives together. Having a conversation with your significant other about their expectations surrounding social media and other online ventures can be vital. 

Perhaps your partner feels insecure when receiving attention, or their last relationship blew up after it was posted on the internet. They may greatly appreciate it if you can be compassionate and understand their point of view. 

There is more than one kind of relationship. Some people don't like to be tied to one person. Instead, they might prefer being in an open relationship. Talking about each other's expectations can help you figure out if you're compatible. If what you want doesn't match up, it can be important not to string them along. Making sacrifices to be with someone whose expectations don't align with yours can be hurtful to both people in the end. If it doesn't work out, you'll have a clearer idea of what you want out of a relationship next time. Open communication can be key.

Everyone has a different pace

Even if you started the relationship by instant messaging each other every five minutes, keeping that same pace forever can be unrealistic to expect. Recognize that your partner has a life outside of you. They have friends, families, hobbies, and responsibilities that are all important too.

It could also be the other way around. You might feel that the other person is putting pressure on you to talk to them all the time. Don't feel like you have to. Instead of avoiding them, have a conversation about it. Discuss how often you’d like to talk to each other and what you'll do if you get busy. When you're having dinner with your family, or you're out with friends, let the other person know if you will be unavailable during that time.

Setting healthy boundaries surrounding communication is one way you can show respect for the relationship. It can help make it clear that you won't sacrifice one area of your life for the other areas. Additionally, your partner can feel reassured that if something big comes up, you won't forget about them because you prioritize keeping your life balanced.

Making boundaries about the smaller things can also make it easier for more challenging boundaries to be set later on. Eventually, if things progress, you may need to talk about the physical nature of your relationship. Will you have sex? If so, how often and what form of contraception will you use? Boundaries in this area can be more uncomfortable, but the clearer you are about respecting each other's needs from the beginning, the easier it can be. If you don't set boundaries, someone's feelings may be more bound to get hurt.

Beware of gossip

At some point, you will disagree with your partner. When that happens, avoid posting about it online or gossiping among your friends or family members about them. Even if other people are involved, spreading gossip about your partner can do lasting damage to the relationship. Instead, try to sort it out between the two of you. That's not to say you can't ask for advice, but you may want to be careful who you talk to and what you say.

When we're upset, we often say things we don't mean. If you ask your friends for advice, stick to the facts of the situation as much as possible and try not to overshare. Be respectful of the information you were told to keep to yourself. If your partner asks you to keep a secret, even telling your best friend could be a breach of that agreement. However, if the secret puts you or your partner in a dangerous situation, then you should talk to someone. Trust your gut. If something makes you uncomfortable or doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

In-person interactions

There's a high chance that you spend a lot of time in person with your partner. Of course, if you’re in a long-distance relationship, you may interact more with them online. Still, here are some things to think about when you do see them face to face.

Don't forget about your friends

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to neglect the other aspects of your life, including your friendships. In fact, continuing to spend time with the people you’re close to can help ensure that your relationship remains healthy. Over time, you can begin to introduce your partner to your friends and even all hang out together. However, spending time with them when your partner isn’t around can still be important. Make an effort to spend time with your partner’s friends as well, and anyone else who is important to them. Being around each other’s friends can teach you a lot about one another. 

Your friends are the ones who listen to every detail since the beginning of the relationship with your partner. They may have even been around long before that. They've supported you through the bad times and celebrated your achievements. Not all romantic relationships last, but friendships can. Not neglecting your friends as soon as you’re in a relationship can help show how much they still mean to you. 

Couples in healthy relationships make time to do things apart from each other. They prioritize staying in touch with their friends. Having a support group can be important when you're going through a rough patch or want to celebrate how well things are going.

Just like in your romantic relationship, relationships with friends take effort too. You must be willing to put in the time and energy for them to last. If you want them to be there for you if you become single again, it can be crucial to show them appreciation now while things are going well.

Practice your communication skills

Start with baby steps. If being in a relationship makes you nervous, let your partner know. They might be able to offer some comfort and reassurance. If you set the example by being open and honest about how you’re feeling, your partner may be more likely to reciprocate. 

One important aspect of communication is knowing how to listen. When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention and actively hear what they have to say. No matter the topic at hand, practice thinking before speaking, setting clear boundaries, and processing your emotions before reacting. This can help establish a healthier relationship between the two of you.

Learn how to apologize

Learning how to say, "I'm sorry" and admit you were wrong can be crucial. Before you apologize, take some time to think about the situation. At first, when we're in the wrong, we often turn inward to think about what happened. Instead of focusing on yourself, though, try to consider your partner and how they might have been affected. This might mean walking away and taking some time to cool off. It may also mean listening to your partner to clarify the reason they were upset. Your interpretation could be very different from theirs. Try to remain open to listening without interrupting so you can understand their point of view. Once you know why they're upset, then you can apologize. 

An effective apology has three parts:

1. A statement of regret for what happened.
2. A clear, "I'm sorry" statement.
3. A request for forgiveness.

A well-rounded apology can also include ways you'll improve to avoid this situation in the future. If you do include an action plan for the future, though, take it seriously and follow through on it. Not following through can create more feelings of distrust in the relationship. 

When to say "I love you"

There's no perfect answer to this question, but there are ways to get an idea of whether it's the right time or not. Most people prefer to say "I love you” in person for the first time. Of course, if most of your relationship is long-distance or over the phone, it may not be practical to say it in person for the first time. It can be tempting to rush into saying those three words, but it may be wise to wait it out and see how your feelings develop over time. Sometimes, all of the emotions that come up within the first few weeks or months of a new relationship can be mistaken for love.

When you are ready to say, "I love you," try to go into it free from expectations. Respect that the other person might not be ready to say it back yet. This doesn't mean that they don't have feelings for you. It could be that they also don't know what love is yet. Give them time to sort it out without any added pressure. Just because you aren’t moving at the same exact speed doesn’t mean something in the relationship is wrong. 

Online counseling with Regain

Being in a relationship can come with a set of challenges that may be difficult to navigate on your own. If you need support, confiding in an online counselor could be beneficial. Regain is an online counseling platform that offers services to both couples and individuals. Whether there’s a problem you want to work through on your own or you’d like to involve your partner in sessions, there’s an option for it. Being in a new relationship can be time-consuming, and you may not feel you have the time to seek therapy. Online counseling can make it easier and more convenient to get the support you need since you can start sessions from the comfort of your home. Whether you’re using phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging to connect with your therapist, you can be sure that someone who wants to help is listening on the other end. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Online counseling can be a helpful resource for couples experiencing a variety of issues in their relationship. One study showed that those participating in online couples counseling reported substantial improvements in their relationship satisfaction and relationship confidence. Individual growth was also reported. Many participants experienced fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, a higher quality of life and perceived health, and stronger work functioning. Overall, the couples also experienced fewer negative qualities within the relationship. 

Takeaway

Every romantic relationship looks different, which can make it difficult to know how to navigate your own. Sometimes, two people simply aren’t compatible, while other times, there are individual problems that need to be addressed in order for the relationship to thrive. Relationships that last recognize that both people have their struggles and weaknesses. Although it may take some extra effort to form a healthy relationship, it can be worth it to be with someone that you enjoy being around or even love. When personal problems are standing in the way of a healthy relationship, online counseling can be beneficial. Used by couples and individuals alike, Regain can help those feeling stuck begin to move forward again.