Common Relationship Problems And What You Can Do About Them

Few relationship problems are unique; most couples experience some challenges in their relationship, which are often experienced by other couples. Understanding the most common relationship problems and how they can be addressed or prevented may help you avoid conflict in your relationship, even if you don't have any concerns right now.

Couples and relationships have been studied extensively, and evidence suggests that the most common relationship problems are related to communication and emotional intimacy. If you're experiencing issues in any of those areas, know that other couples are too. Understanding how those problems appear and what to do about them can help you address concerns before they get out of hand.

Communication problems

Healthy, empathetic communication is essential for a happy relationship. Good communication allows partners to express positivity, love, kindness, and empathy when discussing positive aspects of their relationship. When resolving conflict, healthy communication forms the foundation of good problem-solving and allows partners to remain future-focused, avoiding blame and judgment. While no two people will communicate the same way, researchers have identified common themes in communication that predict whether a relationship will be successful.

John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship expert, developed the concept of the "four horsemen" to illustrate toxic communication styles that, if present, predict that the end of a relationship is near. Gottman's four horsemen reference the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a metaphor depicting the end of the world in the New Testament. In addition to the four horsemen of communication, Gottman also identified "antidotes" that can be used to avert or repair damage caused by toxic communication.

Horseman #1: Criticism

The first horseman, criticism, is not the same as complaining or critiquing. Complaining is a valid expression of concern and can be conveyed to a partner politely and respectfully. Criticism, however, attacks a person's character, often in a demeaning and insulting manner. The recipient of criticism is likely to feel belittled and defensive.

The antidote: Gentle start-up

Before beginning a difficult conversation, partners should take time to ensure they are calm and ready to engage in a healthy, empathetic manner. Avoid using "you" statements and focus on "I" statements; for example, "You never let me talk! Why are you so selfish?" is a criticism, while "I don't feel like I've had a chance to communicate my feelings. Can I talk about my concern please?" is a valid complaint. If partners take just a few moments before communicating to ensure they are ready to communicate in a healthy, empathetic manner, they can avoid much more severe conflict. 

Horseman #2: Contempt

The second horseman, contempt, is a strong indicator of a breakup. Contempt arises when communication turns hostile and cruel. Instead of using kind and empathetic language, partners resort to sarcasm, insults, and mockery. While criticism attacks a character, contempt places the giver in a morally superior position, belittling and undermining the partner.

Contempt stems from unresolved negative thoughts about a partner, which disrupts kind communication. As negative thoughts persist, stress levels increase, further compromising both partners' well-being.

The antidote: Culture of appreciation

A culture of appreciation involves creating an atmosphere of positive affirmation and appreciation in a relationship. Regular expressions of appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect create a positive environment that combats criticism. Cultures of appreciation are closely related to another of John Gottman's concepts, the 5:1 ratio. The 5:1 ratio is an evidence-based principle that describes the number of positive interactions it takes to counter one negative interaction.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

The third horseman, defensiveness, commonly emerges as a response to criticism. Defensiveness is a typical reaction observed in romantic and non-romantic relationships alike. Almost everyone has experienced it at some point, especially when feeling unjustly accused. When one partner expresses a concern, and the other responds defensively, it hinders healthy communication.

The Antidote: Taking responsibility

Defensiveness is directly related to blame. When one partner is being defensive, they take the blame off themselves and place it on their partner. Defensiveness can be combatted by taking responsibility for whatever the defensive person was feeling defensive about. Taking responsibility acknowledges their role in the conflict, reducing tension.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

The fourth and final horseman, stonewalling, usually arises in response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener completely withdraws, shuts down, and refuses to continue the conversation. It is an evasive tactic that obstructs healthy communication. Over time, stonewalling becomes a habitual way for a partner to escape when feeling overwhelmed.

The antidote: Self-soothing

A partner usually stonewalls when feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated; it is not usually an attempt at manipulation or control. The effects of stonewalling can be avoided if the overwhelmed partner asks for and takes a break from the conversation. The break can be whatever length is necessary, but both partners must agree to continue the conversation later when they are calmer and ready to engage in healthy communication.

Emotional intimacy problems

Emotional intimacy is one of the foundational components of a happy relationship. Emotional intimacy comes from trust and openness. Deep conversations, shared secrets, and open expressions of feelings are all forms of emotional intimacy.

Empathetic quality time is necessary for emotional intimacy. Many couples struggle to prioritize quality time amidst hectic schedules and other demands on their time, but spending time being intimate emotionally is likely to improve many other aspects of the relationship.

Here are a few other ways to increase emotional intimacy in a relationship:

Be  strategically vulnerable

A person may have difficulty lowering their personal walls for their partner, even if they have known them for a long time. Expressing vulnerability is an important part of emotional intimacy, but couples rarely go out of their way to bring it to conversations. The vulnerability is "strategic" because it is being deliberately applied to increase intimacy; there isn't another reason, like needing support from a partner.

Strategic vulnerability might include sharing something that happened during the day that wouldn't ordinarily be shared, discussing a feeling from the past that is difficult to share, or revealing a fact that was previously unknown to the other partner. Strategic vulnerability offers an opportunity for both partners to give and receive trust, bolstering their bond.

Break out of regular routines

Many couples enter a comfort zone in their daily routines. The priority becomes completing to-do lists and focusing on work, kids, or other demands. This is different from the early days of a relationship when things seem new and exciting and partners give extra energy to each other. As daily routines begin to take precedence, partners are likely to put less effort into giving joy and intimacy to each other.

Introducing novelty into life's routines helps partners become more vulnerable and reconnect. Couples can think back to the early days of their relationship and choose similar events to when they first started dating. As long as the regular routine is disrupted, there are additional chances for intimacy.

Prioritize sexual intimacy

Emotional intimacy is not sexual, but it is closely linked to sexual intimacy. For most couples, sex is part of their emotional bond, but it is easy to deprioritize physical intimacy when schedules are hectic. If time is tight, partners should consider maintaining sex to help strengthen their bond. Maintenance sex is scheduled and takes place whether or not both partners are "in the mood." Regularly scheduled intimate encounters can significantly increase attraction to one's partner outside the bedroom.

How can online therapy help?

Common relationship problems can often be addressed through couples counseling, and it is becoming increasingly common for couples to seek counseling online. Online couples counseling is an effective way to address most relationship problems without leaving home. Therapists who practice online have the same training and credentials as traditional therapists and use the same evidence-based techniques. An online couples counselor can help partners increase their intimacy, troubleshoot communication, or identify problems unique to their relationship.

Online therapy is also for individuals; a person can utilize online counseling for almost any concern related to mental health and well-being. For couples, therapy is considered to be highly effective, with 70% of couples reporting significant improvement after completing counseling. Although the counseling is administered online, evidence indicates it is just as effective as if it were provided in an office setting.

Takeaway

Many common problems in relationships are due to communication or emotional intimacy deficits. Healthy, empathetic communication is necessary for a relationship, and partners who lack communication are unable to access the same problem-solving tools as couples who communicate healthily. Communication can be improved by avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Intimacy is another source of concern in relationships, and many partners struggle to incorporate intimacy into their living routines. Emotional intimacy can be improved by choosing to be vulnerable, even when unnecessary, and by partners sharing new experiences. Sexual encounters are also important, and sex should be prioritized.