Understanding The Gottman Method: How Can The Gottman Repair Checklist Help You?

The Gottman Repair Checklist is a process that you can use to help you and your partner repair your relationship and work through problems that you might be experiencing. The Gottman Relationship Checkup entails several different categories of phrases that you can use to help better understand your partner and make sure they understand you at the same time. Check out the Gottman Relationship Checkup List for yourself and see which words and phrases may help you and your partner and which ones might not be compatible with your communication style and needs.

What is the philosophy behind the Gottman Method?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman developed the Gottman Method based on nine components of healthy relationships, forming the Sound Relationship House Theory. The Gottman Method aims to help couples disrupt conflicting oral communication, increase respect, and improve intimacy and affection. Through therapy, couples can destroy cycles of stagnancy which can fuel conflict. Couples who complete the program may enjoy an increased sense of empathy and mutual understanding, as a result.

The initial relationship checkup assessment sets the stage for the rest of the therapeutic framework. The evaluation starts with a joint session followed by individual interviews with each partner. Each partner completes a questionnaire that gives them specific feedback about their relationship. After the initial assessment, the couple and therapist decide on the length and frequency of the sessions. The program is designed to thoroughly assess the couple's relationship and integrate research-based interventions related to the Sound Relationship House Theory.

What is the Sound Relationship House Theory?

Imagine a house where the siding is made of trust, and the insulation is formed from commitment. The foundation begins by building "love maps," just as you would create an architectural diagram prior to building a home. Love maps help each partner get better acquainted with each other's world.

The next layer requires couples to cultivate fondness and admiration. Building on the previous layer, the next sessions focus on turning towards each other rather than turning away from or against the other. As conflict brings a wealth of negativity, the next section helps couples see a positive perspective.

These early sessions pave the way for conflict resolution, where couples work on accepting their partner's influence, communicate openly about their problems, make repair attempts, and practice self-soothing.

During the final sessions of the program, couples will explore what they're willing to do to make their future dreams and lives come true. Ultimately, they'll be at a point where they can create meaning. Finally, therapists lead couples through a relapse prevention session if they agree. Let's take a closer look at each part of the program.

Trust and commitment

A bit ago, we said to imagine a home where trust was the house's siding, and commitment was the insulation. Let's break it down. Trust incorporates the following five traits, which combine and overlap:

• Intent: the desire to do well by your partner

• Character: the promise to be honest and sincere and act with integrity

• Transparency: a commitment to be open in communication and refrain from maintaining hidden agendas

• Competence: an acknowledgment of one’s capability to make changes

• Consistency: a vow to be dependable, keep promises, and meet obligations

Trust becomes evident when your partner thinks and acts as you would expect them to.

Commitment speaks to a strong sense of focus and intention. Partners use the word commitment with a statement of purpose, as in a committed relationship. For couples, it means believing that your relationship will remain intact for a lifetime, even if situations around you become unexpectedly and severely challenging. Commitment focuses on your partner's positive qualities and uplifts them rather than throwing them under the bus by highlighting their negative qualities.

Love maps

Therapists guide both partners to create a map of their inner psychological realms. Partners create a visual expression of their history, worries, joys, hopes, stressors, and fears.

Fondness and admiration

At this juncture of the program, therapists help both partners focus on the affection and respect between them. The couple uses written and spoken communication to express their fondness and admiration, which can strengthen the relationship.

The choice to turn toward (versus away from or against)

Every day, couples have small moments that present opportunities to connect. So many things compete for our attention; it's easy to let these opportunities slip away. During this part of therapy, the therapist encourages each partner to state their needs and look for signs that their partner connects with them by turning to them and practicing active listening. This could look like receiving your partner’s communication versus shutting down or defending yourself.

Positive perspective and conflict management

When things in your relationship upset you, it is easy to go to the negative side. In fact, it is easy to stay on the negative side and not be able to cross the threshold into a positive approach to conflict resolution. This part of the therapy helps the couple get out of the negative rut and move into a positive space before tackling problem-solving. Gottman favors the term managing conflict rather than resolving conflict because a conflict can produce positive results.

Life dreams come true

To set a safe environment where both partners can let their guard down, therapists create an atmosphere that allows them to speak about their life dreams honestly and with conviction.

Meaning-making

The prior sessions elevate the couple's relationship to a level where they can understand important visions, fallacies, and stories about their relationship. When the house is completely built, it's strong enough to weather the winds of the relationship.

Utilizing the Gottman Repair Checklist 

Take a look at the distinct categories of this checklist and see which ones are most important and even which of the specific phrases will be best if you're in the middle of an argument or if you sense an argument is coming. These categories can help you and your partner communicate better and stop a problem before it becomes even worse.

I feel

The best thing you can do is let your partner know how you feel. Do not just accuse or jump into something. You want to make sure that they understand how you're feeling from the start. For example, telling them you feel defensive, or that you're worried, or that you feel like they don't understand could help them to rethink what they're saying and come up with a new way of saying it so that you can both be comfortable with the discussion. 

• Instead of saying, “You never try to understand what I’m going through,” you can reword the sentiment to focus on the emotion you’re feeling versus casting a judgment on your partner: “I don't feel like you understand me right now.”

• Instead of saying, “Why does it always have to be my fault?” you can once again rephrase the sentence to focus on your emotion in the moment: “I feel blamed. Can you please rephrase that?”

Sorry

Saying that you are sorry isn't always easy, but these phrases are important in any relationship and discussion. Letting your partner know that you hear them and understand them and that you're responding in the best way you can keep a conversation from turning into a heated argument. These apologies can help you on the path to improving the situation and de-escalating the situation. 

When apologizing, explain why you are sorry – what did you do, what harm did it cause, and what changes are you going to make to ensure it doesn’t happen again? Be conscientious of your body language and facial expressions to make sure that your apology comes across as it should sound – sincere.

Get to yes

Work on finding a compromise with your partner and be willing to acknowledge that you're not necessarily right about everything. Get to a yes and an agreement with your partner using one of these phrases to help them see that you want to come together on this and reach a solution that works for both of you:

• I agree with part of what you're saying.

• Let's agree to include both our views in a solution.

• When you said X and Y, that resonated with me – could you say more about what you mean about Z?

I need to calm down

If you feel like you're getting overly emotional to the point where you’re not able to actively listen or communicate with patience and integrity, these phrases can help you feel calmer and prepared for the discussion. They may be designed to help you clarify something you've said to help you get your point across to a partner, or even to reinforce your feelings for them instead of starting an argument.

• What I need at this moment is for you to just listen and seek to understand.

• I worded that incorrectly and would like to take it back. What I mean to say is ___.

• I can tell that I am getting worked up right now. I am not sure I can communicate with you properly in this moment. Stop Action

These phrases are important because they're designed to stop everything that's happening at the moment before it turns into an argument. These phrases are designed to back off the intensity and de-escalate the situation immediately, rather than slowly backing things down. You'll be able to stop everything right where it is so that you can get back to a conversation instead of starting an argument.

• Let's take a break.

• Please, let's stop for a while.

• This conversation is important to me, and I would like to return to it soon, but I need to pause and calm down before we can continue. 

I appreciate

Finally, appreciating your partner is always important, so make sure that you point out things you appreciate even during a discussion or an argument. These things are important in any interactions that you and your partner may have throughout your relationship.

• I know this is not your fault.

• I see your point.

• I’m grateful for the effort you made in the last week to ___.

Check out Regain to find a psychiatrist to help you with the process and show you how to use the Gottman Checklist to improve your relationship.

Is the Gottman Method right for you?

Dr. John Gottman is the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Seven Principles for Doing Marriage Work. Even though everyone feels their situation is unique, Dr. Gottman describes two categories of marital conflicts in his book. He believes that marital conflicts can either be resolved or perpetual. He clarifies the word perpetual to mean that some conflicts will be part of your lives forever in one form or another. 

Gottman notes that he's found that about 69% of marital conflicts fall into the perpetual conflict category in his work. For this reason, Gottman trains therapists in the Gottman Referral Network to focus much of their work on perpetual conflicts.

Gottman-trained therapists work on such issues as frequent conflict and arguments, poor communication, couples navigating emotional distance and separation, and specific problems related to sexual intimacy, infidelity, finance, and parenting. While the therapy is effective for couples whose marriages are on the brink of divorce or separation, the therapy is also helpful for couples experiencing non-threatening levels of conflict. 

The Gottman Therapy is constructed to support couples of all types as it transcends economic factions, races, cultures, sexual orientations, etc. A recent study discovered that Gottman’s couple therapy approach had positive effects related to improving marital adjustment and couples’ intimacy levels. Many online therapists are part of the Gottman Referral Network and are qualified to use the Gottman Method in online counseling sessions.

Strengthening your relationship with online therapy

Online counseling can be a valuable alternative for many couples confronting a range of marital challenges. The ability to schedule therapy sessions at convenient times is a potential game-changer for couples who are busy or living in different time zones. Additionally, you can meet with your dedicated therapist from any location with a stable internet connection. This means that you and your partner can meet together from your shared home, apart while at work, etc. 

If you’d like to learn more about others’ experiences with the compassionate online couples’ therapists at Regain, you can read authentic counselor reviews below.

Therapist reviews

“My girlfriend and I have been working with Alison for about four months now and with her help and guidance we have strengthened our relationship tenfold. Her communication style is amazing and she really strives to make the best of our time with one another. If you’re looking for a counselor you can put your faith in with the whole experience, she’s the one to go to.”

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

Takeaway

The Gottman Method can be a major catalyst for couples, regardless if they are married and despite whatever challenges they may be experiencing. Armed with empowered ways of communicating with one another, the Gottman Method promotes each partner to take accountability, turn lovingly toward their partner, and be more clear about what they are feeling. If you would like to learn more about the Gottman Method or get started with your partner, you can search the Gottman Referral Network or reach out to a Regain online therapist today.