Fear Of Rejection: How Feeling Vulnerable Affects Your Relationship
Almost everyone finds that they feel vulnerable at some time in their lives. It's part of the human experience. Yet emotional vulnerability can bring a sense of uneasiness or discomfort. Many individuals find working with a therapist the easiest way to develop this trait because of the emotions it can cause.
Sometimes you may feel unsure of yourself or even scared of what might happen. And it does make sense to guard yourself at times. However, allowing yourself to be vulnerable can also help you develop a more satisfying connection with your significant other.
This article explores some ways that vulnerability can affect your relationship.
What does it mean to feel emotionally vulnerable?
Emotional vulnerability tends to arise when there's uncertainty, emotional risk, or a chance of emotional exposure in a situation. For example, it may be experienced as anxiety about or fear of rejection, shame, judgment, or inadequacy.
How feeling vulnerable affects your relationship
Fear of vulnerability has the potential to keep you from having the kind of relationship you truly want. But when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, it often changes the way you interact as a couple.
Vulnerability can improve communication between you and your partner, making it possible for you to know each other better. Keep reading to explore how you can be vulnerable and why it can improve your relationship.
Vulnerability can bring you closer as a couple
Most intimate relationships are built on at least occasional moments of vulnerability. As you loosen your tight grip
Most intimate relationships are built on at least occasional moments of vulnerability. As you loosen your tight grip on your innermost thoughts and emotions, you may make space for your partner to understand who you are inside. You reveal things during these times that your partner might never find out otherwise. And that's a good thing because it's usually how you get closer to them and allow them to get closer to you.
Vulnerability fosters a more open relationship
You can build a wall between you and your partner when you hide your insecurities and fears. You may think you're not keeping much from them, but this secrecy can potentially affect every aspect of your relationship. You may eventually become so closed off from each other that you can't talk to each other openly, even about the things that matter most to you as a couple.
Vulnerability allows you to be more authentic
Your relationship may be more honest if you can be real with your partner. And you'll likely have to go through some vulnerable times to become more authentic. For example, say you're terrified that you're failing at work. If you pretend everything is great, you aren't being emotionally honest. As a result, your partner sees you as a self-confident person who never has any doubts. But, on the other hand, if you tell your partner about your fears, they have an opportunity to know you better. And they might discover that they're better able to understand, relate to, empathize with, and connect with you on a deeper level.
Is there a time to not be so vulnerable?
Whether or not to express your feelings of vulnerability is always your choice. When your goal is to know each other
Whether or not to express your feelings of vulnerability is always your choice. When your goal is to know each other better, get closer to each other, or build a more open relationship, allowing vulnerability makes perfect sense. However, there may be other times when you need to defend yourself.
When you need to set boundaries
No matter how close you are to someone, you may need to set boundaries and stick to them sometimes. It doesn't mean that you love them any less. Instead, it may help you build a stronger, healthier relationship.
Suppose your partner wants to learn about a childhood trauma you experienced, and you're not ready to discuss it with them. Maybe you need some time, or perhaps you need to talk to a therapist about it first. Even though you want to tell them eventually, perhaps it’s not the right time for you at the moment. When something like that happens, telling them you don't want to talk about it yet is okay. It's okay to say, "These are my boundaries, and I hope you can understand."
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
When you're becoming too needy
You might find yourself engulfed by every doubt or fear you have when feeling particularly vulnerable. While building your connection with your partner is usually good, this may come across as neediness. If you think this may be the case, you might want to consider whether telling them this is truly important and if it's something you can take care of on your own.
When your self-esteem is sinking
Vulnerability can potentially be devastating to someone who has low self-esteem. When you're feeling bad about yourself, it's not always helpful to dwell on the things that increase such negative perceptions and emotions. Instead, it might be time to focus on the good things happening for you and remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person. You might want to express your vulnerable feelings to a certain degree, but it may also help you to stick with the positives for the most part.
How to manage feelings of vulnerability
Many people feel an intense fear of vulnerability. Whether you express that feeling or not, finding ways to cope with it is usually helpful for your mental health. Here are some steps for managing and coping with those feelings.
Recognize and accept the feeling
Most people want to think of themselves as strong, confident people. So, when you're vulnerable, you might be inclined to shove the feeling aside and pretend it doesn't exist. But this won't make it go away. Instead, it may make it more intense. Often, the first thing you need to do when feeling that vulnerability is notice that it's there. Then you may accept that it's a natural and healthy feeling.
Choose the right time to be vulnerable
Sharing your feelings with your partner can offer relief and lead to a happier relationship. However, if you try to share those feelings at an inappropriate time, you may cause more problems than you solve. For example, suppose you talk about what makes you feel vulnerable when your partner is handling an urgent situation with their family. In this case, they may be distressed and tell you to quit talking about it, and you may feel rejected. But if you'd discussed it during a calm moment, they might have listened and been able to support you instead.
For this reason, it's usually ideal to choose a time when your partner can give you their attention without disrupting something they must take care of right now.
Express your feelings of vulnerability appropriately
When you're vulnerable, expressing what's on your mind is typically healthy. For example, you might tell your partner how you're feeling or ask for their help. This might mean telling them, "I love you," even if you fear rejection. Expressing vulnerability often means bringing up important issues, even if you fear you can't handle them.
At the same time, it's helpful to remember these are your issues and feelings. This reminder can help you avoid blaming your partner or putting pressure on them to solve your problems. And you'll be better able to express yourself and allow your partner to respond in the way that seems best to them.
Say no to your critical inner voice
Sometimes, you might feel vulnerable because your critical inner voice tells you you're inadequate. That criticizing part of you can be powerful and cause you to believe others will judge you similarly. But when you're open and authentic, you might find that others don't criticize you as negatively as you do yourself. In addition, it often helps to be open to the possibility that your partner will understand and love you just as much when you say what's on your mind.
Be courageous enough to face the fear
It can take courage to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. But that doesn't mean you won't be afraid or nervous – it wouldn't be courage if it were easy. But, at the same time, going against your fear can sometimes cause you more pain than it's worth.
It might help to ask yourself two questions before exposing yourself to emotional risk despite your fear. First, ask yourself if this feeling is rooted in the past or the present. Then, ask yourself if you've developed new skills and abilities to help you face the current situation better than you did in the past.
If you objectively see that being vulnerable makes sense right now, you'll likely have an easier time understanding what to do next.
Can online therapy help
Never being emotionally vulnerable has the potential to prevent you from getting close to your loved one. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable too often may be emotionally exhausting.
In either case, talking to a couple's therapist is typically an effective way to sort out your feelings and develop stronger bonds with your partner. Research shows that couples therapy is effective for most couples, especially if they're experiencing any distress in the relationship. And if coordinating your schedules is difficult, online therapy is just as effective as in-person treatment.
If you're interested in trying therapy, Regain can help. We'll connect you with a licensed therapist regardless of whether you've invited your partner to join your sessions. Your counselor can help you better understand yourself, each other, and the situation, teaching you techniques for facing your fears in positive ways. And when you find the right balance in your feelings of vulnerability, you can work towards a stronger, healthier, more satisfying relationship.
Takeaway
If you're interested in trying therapy, Regain can help. We'll connect you with a licensed therapist regardless of whether you've invited your partner to join your sessions. Your counselor can help you better understand yourself, each other, and the situation, teaching you techniques for facing your fears in positive ways. And when you find the right balance in your feelings of vulnerability, you can work towards a stronger, healthier, more satisfying relationship.Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What does it mean to feel vulnerable?
Vulnerable is defined as being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. To be vulnerable means to put ourselves in a position that could potentially hurt us. Vulnerability often evokes uncomfortable feelings because it reminds us of when we are feeling sad. After all, we might have deeply personal details with another person that led to rejection or criticism. Vulnerability is scary because it’s the very act of opening up to another person without really knowing how to respond to the information you have.
While vulnerability can be uncomfortable because you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection or criticism, you are also opening yourself up to growth and deeper connections with other people. Oftentimes, when we divulge information that makes us feel vulnerable, we can form a deeper bond with the person we the information with. By not opening up to another person out of fear of being vulnerable, you close off the opportunity to form that deeper connection. While you think you’re yourself against the pain of rejection or criticism, you end up creating a barrier that is difficult to break down.
By owning and accepting the fears that you have going into a vulnerable conversation, you might still feel pain from the rejection. Still, you’re less likely to allow that pain to influence future opportunities to be vulnerable. For example, by simply acknowledging “Yes, I am afraid of being rejected, but if they reject me because of what I it does not mean that I am a failure,” you’ll be in a better place to accept that sometimes, uncomfortable feelings with another person can lead to you feeling sad, but does not mean you are a failure.
What does being emotionally vulnerable mean?
Emotional vulnerability is most often felt as anxiety around being rejected, criticized, or judged as inadequate. Brene Brown breaks down emotional vulnerability into three parts: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Uncertainty happens every day and is deeply tied to anxiety. In fact, those who have chronic anxiety often have great difficulty accepting the uncertainty present in their daily lives. For example, you might develop a crush on someone and be uncertain whether they like you back.
Risks also occur every day, and we constantly weigh whether or not the risk will be more likely to lead to something positive or negative. For example, you might be weighing the risk of telling your crush that you have feelings for them. In deciding whether to tell them, you’re likely weighing how likely they are to reciprocate those feelings or if it will lead to rejection and make for an awkward conversation.
Emotional exposure is when you deeply personal details with another person and are unsure if they will accept or reject what you have. For example, you tell your crush that you like them and are waiting to hear whether your crush reciprocates those feelings or if they are going to reject you.
Why is being vulnerable bad?
Being vulnerable can be uncomfortable. By personal details with another person, there’s great uncertainty around whether the person will accept the information and want to learn more about whatever it is you or if they will reject or criticize what you – making you feel like a failure for such secret details. While vulnerability does bring a great degree of uncertainty, by taking a leap of faith and being vulnerable, you and the person you’re vulnerable with will be able to understand, feel empathy, forgive each other, and know that we are worthy of love and belonging. Vulnerability can be a great thing and opens up a world of possibilities that you and your partner would not be able to explore without vulnerability.
Is being vulnerable a weakness?
Opening up and being vulnerable takes courage and should be seen as a strength, not a weakness. When you are vulnerable with another person, you are allowing them to learn more about you by information that can feel scary to divulge. Being vulnerable with another person allows a deep bond to form and encourages you to see things from another perspective. However, the way men and women perceive emotional vulnerability does differ. Brene Brown, in her 2012 TED Talk, stated that with vulnerability often comes shame, and the way men and women perceive shame differs. Women generally feel that they must “do it all; do it perfectly, and never let them see you sweat.” Men, on the other hand, feel that they must not be perceived as weak. While being vulnerable is scary and leads to emotional courage, men are often fearful of being emotionally vulnerable because they don’t want to appear that they need their partner to solve their problems for them. However, to form a deeper bond with your partner, emotional vulnerability is necessary. Because of each person’s perceived fear around vulnerability, it is often helpful to approach the topic with empathy to understand each other’s sources of shame.
Do guys find vulnerability attractive?
Vulnerability encompasses a willingness to a part of yourself with another person even though the information you could lead to rejection or criticism. Being vulnerable with another person is seen as attractive because it allows for a deeper connection to form between partners. It allows the person you’re the information with to feel like they are needed and trusted. While vulnerability can feel risky, it can ultimately lead to many benefits, especially when information with someone who truly cares for you.
What are the 4 main types of vulnerability?
There are four main types of vulnerability: social, cognitive, emotional, and environmental.
Social vulnerability refers to the inability of people, organizations, and societies to withstand adverse impacts from the various stressors they find themselves exposed to. Some of these stressors include abuse, social exclusion, as well as natural hazards. Social vulnerability can also refer to stressors associated with socioeconomic status, loss of job or income, or experiencing homelessness.
Cognitive vulnerability is an erroneous belief or thought pattern that predisposes a person to psychological problems. After an individual encounters a stressful life experience, the cognitive vulnerability shapes a maladaptive response that increases the likelihood of a psychological disorder.
As defined by Brene Brown in her book, Braving the Wilderness, emotional vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Brown suggests that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage because we allow our true selves to be seen by being vulnerable. While emotional vulnerability is often associated with grief, shame, fear, and disappointment, it can also center around positive feelings of love, belonging, authenticity, creativity, courage, and accountability.
Environmental vulnerability often refers to the impact the environment can have directly or indirectly on our overall well-being. Increasing temperatures, sea-level rises, and more severe weather events are said to impact human health. These effects can also, directly and indirectly, lead to political and civil conflicts, which could then lead to social destabilization. The environment in which a person lives impacts their overall well-being and can lead to various vulnerabilities beyond just what the environment causes.
What should I do when I feel vulnerable?
Is feeling vulnerable a good thing?
What are signs of being vulnerable?
Why is being vulnerable so attractive?
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