Invalidating Your Partner's Feelings: Effects On Emotions And Mental Health
When you’re in a romantic relationship,it’s possible to hurt your partner’s feelings through dismissive statements about their emotions, even when you do not intend to do any harm at all. This can lead one’s partner to ask themselves “Is something wrong with me?” or blame themselves for what happened.
This can be a sign of emotional invalidation of someone else's feelings. Whether it's intentional or not, it can cause a rift in both trust and communication within relationships.
Below, we’ll explore emotional invalidation, its effects on individuals and couples, and ways to overcome it.
Invalidating your partner's feelings and its mental health effects
While we may mean well, behaviors like emotional gaslighting or invalidation can have negative effects on our loved ones and on our partners. In more extreme and pervasive forms, it can even be a type of psychological abuse. Experiencing this is often upsetting, and it’s perfectly natural to have these emotions.
Emotional invalidation generally includes dismissing, belittling, or otherwise casting doubt or judgment on a person's feelings and emotions. When we emotionally dismiss our partners (even unknowingly), we express our feelings that their perception of their own experiences might not be accurate. This form of emotional invalidation can cause significant emotional turmoil and damage your relationship.
When you emotionally invalidate the way that your partner feels about something, you’re telling them (possibly unknowingly) that they’re wrong for having those emotions.
Emotional invalidation of this kind can make them feel unwanted as if their feelings and emotions don’t matter. A relationship with emotional invalidation can result in a reduction of emotional safety. Emotional safety often involves two people trusting each other with their emotional well-being. Regardless of your intention, emotional invalidation is often the message on the receiving end. Many relationships experience challenges with healthy communication of emotions and emotional validation is often a primary cause of this.
How dismissing someone’s feelings can manifest
Once emotionally invalidated by someone else, many of us start to question whether we’re “too sensitive” and may begin to suppress our emotions, effectively emotionally invalidating ourselves.
There are a variety of ways to dismiss others, but some common statements and behaviors can include things like:
- Denying their reality, e.g., “You’re young, everyone feels like this.”
- Telling someone they should just move on from what they’re feeling, e.g., “Cheer up!” or “Get over it.”
- Ignoring them or making them feel unimportant when they are expressing their emotions to you, whether by giving them the silent treatment or shrugging off their concerns.
A more productive goal, instead, may be to be a supportive partner who hears — and shows that they want to hear — their significant other. Doing so can be one way to strengthen your relationship, provide emotional support, and create a happier life together.
Practicing validation: Avoid dictating their emotional experience
One way to prevent emotional invalidation in relationships is to avoid behaviors and statements that might attempt to dictate how our partners should feel. As an outsider, we may have our own perspectives on the situation that differ from our partners' perspectives, but ultimately it isn’t up to us to decide whether their emotions are accurate or if they deserve to feel a certain way.
However, when individuals knowingly dismiss someone else’s emotions, it can become a part of abusive relationship dynamics. Emotionally abusive individuals often use emotional invalidation to control someone’s emotions. This can be done to belittle a partner or to make them question their perception, reality, and knowledge.
Try not to ignore their emotions
Dismissing someone’s feelings is just one form of emotional invalidation; you don’t have to tell someone outright that they’re wrong to cause emotional invalidation. Emotional invalidation can include being inattentive when they’re telling you about their emotions.
Well-intentioned invalidators often defend some dismissive behaviors as simply putting situations into perspective, but this can be unhelpful when it’s not specifically requested.
Instead, you might say something like, “I want to understand better.” This may be best for situations when a partner is hurt over something you said or did. Your relationship may improve significantly by improving your communication in this manner. You might both start to feel that you can express yourselves freely without fear of invalidation in your relationship.
Acknowledge past invalidation
When we’re young, we often learn how to engage with difficult emotional situations in ways that are emotionally invalidating, whether it be from our parents, siblings, friends, or simply our experiences with the world at large. This can lead, sometimes, to using emotional invalidation on other people the way that we were invalidated. This doesn’t mean that it’s something to excuse, but it is something you can unlearn and change. You might give yourself compassion and let yourself restructure the way you engage in conversations about emotions.
One of the first things that you can do is apologize to your partner for any emotional invalidation you may have caused. You can then work on learning how to discuss feelings in healthier ways, without emotional invalidation. This does not come naturally to everyone, but you can choose to seek out professional support to change this pattern.
Cultivating emotional validation with online therapy
If you have questions or concerns about emotional invalidation, you don’t have to face them alone. If talking about these topics in a therapist’s office seems uncomfortable, you might try online therapy, which research has shown to be just as effective as in-office therapy. You can connect with a licensed online therapist via audio or video chat from home or anywhere with an internet connection.
With Regain, you can sign up for couples counseling or individual counseling to discuss any relationship concerns you’re experiencing, including emotional invalidation. When you sign up for Regain, you’re usually matched with a therapist in 24-48 hours. In addition to online sessions, you can contact your therapist at any time via in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can.
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Takeaway
If you are concerned that you may have unknowingly engaged in emotional invalidation, or if you feel you have experienced it yourself, you’re not alone. With Regain, you can be matched with a therapist with experience helping people navigate emotional invalidation and other relationship concerns. Take the first step toward a heathier relationship and reach out to Regain today.
Frequently asked questions (FAQ) about invalidating emotions
How can invalidating your partner's feelings affect their mental health?
The effects of emotional abuse can be detrimental to a person’s feelings. When you are emotionally invalidated, you may have more self-doubt and believe that your self-awareness is off. This is a form of emotional invalidation known as gaslighting, which occurs when someone intentionally engages in emotional invalidation. It can affect emotional intimacy in your relationship.
People who lack emotional validation may start to hold on to their own emotions, doubt their own emotions, and feel invalidated in general.
What does emotional invalidation look like?
Emotional invalidation can take many forms. It can be as extreme as emotional abuse or seemingly innocuous. It can also be childish, like the silent treatment. One way of considering what emotional invalidation can look like is that it is the opposite of emotional validation.
Emotional validation involves an acceptance of the other’s feelings, allowing them to feel safe and listened to, engaging in the conversation with active listening, and generally respecting their feelings.
How do you respond when your partner invalidates your emotions?
Emotional invalidation can be challenging to handle. You may be full of self-doubt, feel unappreciated, struggle to believe your own emotions, or feel angry and hurt.
It’s important to talk to the other partner about the emotional invalidation. Talk with them about what you feel when you are feeling invalidated. Your feelings and emotions matter. There are many well-intentioned invalidators out there, but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation. They are causing you to feel bad and unsure if you should even discuss emotion.
Overcoming emotional invalidation can be challenging, but it’s possible and can be beneficial for your mental health. You can learn how to process hurt healthily and apply effective coping mechanisms to overcome emotional invalidation. Your feelings are valid, no matter what your partner says.
Is emotional invalidation a form of gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a specific type of emotional invalidation. It is a (usually intentional) form of invalidating that drives a person to think that they are crazy and that their feelings must be wrong.
With gaslighting, a person dismisses their partner’s feelings. This can fill them with self-doubt and make them feel unimportant.
What is stonewalling in a relationship?
Stonewalling involves shutting down and refusing to communicate. It often occurs when one partner feels overwhelmed. From their perspective, they need to shut down the conversation in order to feel safe. They may feel like they can’t talk because their emotions are running high and they can’t cope.
People may learn stonewalling from a young age, particularly if they have aggressive or abusive caregivers. In order for everyone to feel safe and heard, it’s often necessary to have an emotional connection, and emotional invalidation (such as the kind promoted by stonewalling) usually has the opposite effect. To experience invalidation via stonewalling can be frustrating and affect a person’s emotional experience.
How does a narcissist invalidate you?
A narcissist may invalidate you in a number of ways, whether it’s simply by saying, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or by engaging in manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting. Their partner may feel invalidated in this situation. They may feel like what they feel is wrong. Denying a person’s emotional experience like this can be hurtful.
How do I stop invalidating my partner?
To stop invalidating your partner, try to listen to how your partner feels. If they say something is a big deal, then it must feel like a big deal to them. It can be disturbing to feel like your emotions are wrong or don’t matter.
Well-intentioned invalidators exist, but if you are asking this question, you may be in a good position for self-improvement. Both couples counseling and individual counseling can be beneficial for improving communication skills.
Why does my husband not acknowledge my feelings?
If your husband ignores your feelings, it can be hurtful. He may not acknowledge your feelings for a variety of reasons. He may have grown up in an environment in which emotions are not discussed. He may feel like he’s too busy, tired, or stressed to worry about his spouse’s feelings. However, your mental health and the health of your relationship depend on each person being able to feel like they can address their emotions.
A licensed marriage and family therapist may be able to help you and your husband in overcoming emotional invalidation and learn to respect each other’s emotional experience.
What are some gaslighting phrases?
An invalidated person may have experienced gaslighting, which is when one partner (or another person) makes them feel like their emotions are ridiculous and invalid.
Gaslighting phrases an invalidated person may hear include the following:
- You’re acting crazy.
- It’s not a big deal.
- It’s all in your head.
- You’re being emotional.
- Nothing’s wrong.
- That’s life.
- All your friends think you’re crazy.
If you are experiencing gaslighting, you might consider getting help from your friends and family. You might also seek out a therapist to help you understand your emotional invalidation and how you can overcome this.
What is it called when someone dismisses your feelings?
When someone dismisses your feelings, it may be called emotional invalidation. Gaslighting is a specific form of emotional invalidation used by people to manipulate others into feeling like they are crazy.
Emotional invalidation can cause significant mental health challenges, even from a young age. One partner may feel like they have no safe space to discuss the way they are feeling at a given moment, no matter how much support they need.
How do you get help with emotional invalidation?
If your feelings are dismissed by your partner and it’s only your partner’s feelings that seem to count, you are likely experiencing emotional invalidation.
If this is the case with your relationship, you’re not alone. There is help available from licensed therapists who have experience with emotional invalidation. If you don’t feel comfortable going to a therapist’s office, you can try online therapy, which allows you to connect with a licensed therapist via phone or videoconferencing. With Regain, you also get in-app messaging in between sessions. You can contact your therapist at any time if you have questions related to emotional invalidation or other concerns, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.
How do you fix emotional invalidation in relationships?
If your relationship is affected by emotional invalidation, you’re far from alone. Nearly everyone at some point in life experiences challenges relating to feelings and emotions. If other people invalidate your emotions and feelings, it’s common to feel upset.
Consistent suppression of emotions and feelings can lead to frustration. To better communicate your emotions and to ensure that they are accepted as valid, it may help to see a relationship counselor. Relationship counseling, whether in person or online, may benefit your primary relationship as well as your other relationships, as you may come away better equipped to express your emotions.
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