How Past Memories Can Negatively Impact Your Future Relationships

Most of us have had experiences in our past that have profoundly, maybe negatively, impacted our life and stuck with us in some way. For some people, negative relationship experiences in the past may start to impede or interfere with the current and future relationships they try to form with new people. They may be afraid that the negative events of the past will repeat themselves, and it may impact the connections they are able to form in the present. In this article, we’ll explore several possible ways past memories can impact current and future relationships and offer a few tips for how to cope and move forward.

Possible ways past memories can affect your relationship

The past can impact the present and future in many ways, and below are just a few examples of how past experiences may negatively affect relationships: 

Fear of repeating the past

One common way that past memories can negatively impact future relationships is by causing fear. You might wind up feeling very afraid of future relationships due to certain painful events from your past. If you experienced a bad breakup, then you might be reluctant to trust someone new completely. If your former partner cheated on you in the past, this could cause significant trust issues that can affect future relationships.

This can be very challenging because your new partner isn’t necessarily anything like your old one, and there may be no logical reason for you to assume that the past is going to repeat itself. Regardless, you might feel very uneasy about certain things, and these powerful emotions are very real to you. 

Letting go of your fears isn’t always simple, and you might even need some help to process things, whether that means a trusted friend, loved one, or professional. You can also choose to be honest with your current romantic partner to let them know what is going on. If you take the time to explain your past struggles with relationships to your partner, they may be much more understanding. For example, if you were cheated on in the past, this can help your partner understand why you have certain fears. 

Comparing your new partner to an old one

Comparing your current partner to an old one can be tempting, but it can often be very unproductive and even very hurtful. Your current partner will not be exactly the same as your old one. You might have great memories of your past relationship, and you could wish to be able to relive some of those experiences. But holding onto the past in this way may keep you from embracing the unique things that your new partner has to offer.

Many of us may build up memories at times, and sometimes, the memories may be better than the actual past relationship was. Your good memories of your former partner could be conveniently leaving out all of the negative parts of the relationship. 

When you focus so much attention on remembering your old partner, your new one will likely feel jilted. In some cases, the new partners are never even given an honest chance. Instead, try to avoid comparing your current partner to past relationships. Try your best to appreciate the unique things that they bring to the table. As you spend time getting to know them, you may find that your new connection will start growing. This new love story could have the potential to become far more significant than anything from your past. 

Neglecting to understand what’s special about the present

When you spend a lot of time focusing on the past, you may neglect what’s going on in the present. If your mind is constantly preoccupied with memories, events, challenges, and fears from the past, you may be missing out on what’s special about the present moment. This can rob you of the great times, new memories, and deep connections you may be able to make right now.

When you’re very concerned about things that have already happened, you may have difficulty focusing on what is going on right now. Therefore, it can be important to do what you can to let go of the past to live a happier, more present life.

That said, some people who have experienced traumatic events in the past can’t help but relive those moments time and time again, such as those with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is different from what is being discussed here, but those with PTSD can seek help to mitigate the impact that episodes have on their lives.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Methods for letting go of the past

If you are feeling like memories of the past are interfering with your present or future relationship, there are some methods that you can use to try to let go of the past and move forward. Included below are a few ideas to consider:

Meditation and mindfulness

Many people find it helpful to meditate and practice mindfulness techniques to process past events and live more fully in the present. There are many different types of meditation you can try, and if you are new to meditation, you may find it helpful to start with a guided meditation. If meditation does not appeal to you, there are also other ways you can practice mindfulness besides through meditation—such as through mindful eating, mindful walking, and more. Mindfulness can help you to learn to focus your attention on the present moment, rather than reliving the past or worrying about the future. 

Addressing your feelings

Another method for letting go of the past is to take the time to feel, acknowledge, and address your emotions surrounding the event. Some people may cling to past events because they never truly processed the negative emotions wrapped up in those events. You might have gone through a bad breakup, and you just let yourself feel numb about what happened instead of dealing with your anger, frustration, and other emotions. Working through these feelings might be necessary for you to let go of the past.

Seeking help through therapy

Letting go of the past can often be very, very difficult to do on your own. If you would like support in this process, a trained therapist can help. They can help to guide you toward healthy ways of dealing with your feelings, coping with past events, and identifying how you want to move forward. They can also help you and your partner sort through relationship conflicts and strengthen your connection. In fact, research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for improving both relationship satisfaction and individual functioning.

If you are feeling like memories of the past are popping up at random times and interfering with your present, you may find it helpful to reach out for help in those exact moments when the thoughts arise. With online therapy through Regain, you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist at any time, and they will respond as soon as they can.

Takeaway

If memories from your past are negatively impacting your current relationship, there are strategies you can try to cope with those memories, let go, and move forward. It may help to practice mindfulness, acknowledge and address your emotions, and seek help through therapy. If you’d like support from a qualified mental health professional, you can connect with a licensed therapist online.