What Does It Mean To Be Asexual?

Many people may wonder what it means to be asexual. Sexual orientations and the various groups covered by the LGBTQIA+ umbrella have been hot-button topics in recent years. Read on to explore the asexuality spectrum and learn more about how asexual relationships work. 

Exploring asexual definition and traits

Often also called “ace,” asexuality is typically defined as a sexual orientation where a person experiences little or no sexual attraction to people of any gender. Many variations of asexuality exist, forming a spectrum that can be influenced by your individual level of sexual attraction to others, romantic interest in your partner, and aesthetic attraction without a sexual element. 

“Unlike celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are, just like other sexual orientations. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or better; we just face a different set of needs and challenges than most sexual people do.” — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network

Is being asexual a choice?

The mental health community agrees that being asexual is not a choice. It is a sexual orientation, and while not every asexual person was born ace, it is considered a fundamental part of who someone is. The scientific community primarily has two branches of reasoning regarding asexuality. 

The LGBTQIA+ community recognizes asexuality as a separate sexual orientation. By contrast, some prefer to see a biological cause and consider asexuality a physiological abnormality called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).

Misconceptions about asexuality

• There’s only one way to be asexual, and it doesn’t change. — Asexuality is a spectrum.  
• Asexual people are all prudes who are repulsed by sex. — Some may find sex repulsive, but others may simply not want or make any effort to seek it. 
• People who identify as asexual don’t have sex. — Many asexual people are married with children. 
• Asexual people prefer not to have a partner. — A lack of desire for sex does not equal disinterest in emotional connections. 
• Something “caused” them to be asexual. — Sexual orientation is an intrinsic part of who someone is. 
• Ace people just need to “find the right person.” — Asexual people aren’t broken, and their sexual orientation is valid. 

The ace community is the A in LGBTQIA+

Asexual people have a built-in community of like-minded individuals from all walks of life who understand how they feel about sexual attraction better than others can from the outside. It can be helpful to know that you're not alone. If you're asexual, you're part of the A in LGBTQIA+.

Sexual vs. romantic attraction: What’s the difference?

When people feel sexual attraction to someone, they desire intimate sexual contact or experience sexual interest or arousal with them. While romantic attraction can and often does have a sexual component, it isn’t strictly necessary. Many people can develop a romantic attraction based strictly on the mental and emotional connection. 

Types of asexuality

Researchers discussed insight into the different points on the asexuality spectrum and the various sexual orientations associated with fluid asexuality. 

“Like all sexual orientations that exist on a spectrum, asexuality can be fluid. Someone who is asexual may experience varying degrees of sexual attraction throughout their lifetime, and it can vary from relationship to relationship.” — The Cleveland Clinic

Aceflux

You may find that you don't experience sexual desire most of the time, but it can occasionally happen for days or weeks.

Demisexual

Sexual attraction may only occur if you have an established romantic or emotional connection.

Fraysexual (Ignotasexual)

In direct contrast to demisexuals, someone who is fraysexual may initially feel sexual attraction for someone, but it often fades as they develop an emotional connection. 

Graysexual

Some people fall into the gray area between desiring and not wanting sexual activity. Because sexuality can be fluid, Graysexual people may experience sexual attraction on some days and not others. You may also feel sexual attraction, but not intensely enough to act on the impulse. 

Lithosexual

You may notice that you experience sexual attraction to other people but have no desire to see those feelings returned. The idea of being attractive to someone else may make you uncomfortable. 

How to know if you’re asexual

• Asexuality isn't like a sudden loss of interest in sex or celibacy. You likely don’t feel sexual attraction to other people or find it only occurs under limited circumstances or with a specific person. 
• You rarely think about or initiate sex or masturbation. 
• The thought of sexual intimacy doesn’t sound appealing. 

Asexuality is a spectrum

It can be essential to remember that asexuality is a spectrum, and everyone doesn’t experience it the same way. With numerous subcategories available to explain tendencies and inclinations, ace people typically experience their sexuality in various degrees unique to them. 

Explore asexual dating

Sex can be a dealbreaker when you’re asexual and dating. It can be exhausting to explain your sexuality to everyone you connect with on a dating app or meet in person. You may find that you feel more comfortable dating other ace people where you can understand their sexual expectations without much effort. 

Asexual people can have a sex drive

While many people may use the terms libido, sexual desire, and sexual attraction interchangeably, they have distinct definitions. 

Libido

The human sex drive is the desire to have sex, experience sexual pleasure, and attain sexual release. 

Sexual attraction

Finding someone attractive and experiencing the desire to have sex with them. 

Sexual desire

A term encompassing the desire to have sex for various reasons. 

Building a meaningful relationship without sex

Being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a loving, intimate long-term romantic relationship with another person. While sex can be a crucial aspect of a relationship for people who experience the need for it, ace people prefer to focus on emotional intimacy. 

While some asexual people prefer to date someone with ace tendencies, that’s not always the case. Many asexual people do have sex without sexual desire for a variety of reasons, such as release, connection, or conception. Many relationship dynamics can work efficiently with honesty and open communication between partners. 

Mental health conditions commonly affecting asexual people

A 2021 LGBTQIA+ community survey by The Human Rights Campaign indicates that approximately 82% of asexual people said addressing mental health challenges was their primary health concern. Many challenges were related to myths and stigma related to asexuality, and depression or anxiety were typical results. 

How you can be an ace ally

• Ace Week is the last full week of October. Celebrate the asexual community and raise awareness alongside your ace loved one. 
• Understand that this is their sexuality and not a choice. This is an undeniable part of their sexual identity, and your acceptance may mean a great deal to them. 
• If someone comes out to you as asexual, ask questions, but don’t doubt or discount their sexual orientation. 
• Educate yourself about asexuality. 
• Don’t ask intrusive, rude questions about their sex life. 
• Remember that there is a person beyond the sexual orientation. Their sexuality is only one facet of who they are. 

How therapy can help you develop relationship skills

Like most sexual orientations, asexuality is a spectrum, and you may need help determining where you fit on it and how it affects you. If you think you might be asexual, consider working with a licensed therapist online through a virtual relationship therapy platform like Regain. 

Therapy can teach you the emotional intelligence, awareness, and literacy necessary to recognize what you feel, understand the emotions and their effects, and express your feelings and needs to your partner. A qualified therapist can help you learn communication skills to build and maintain a solid emotional bond with your partner, coping skills to help you manage stressful situations, and healthy conflict-resolution techniques. If you’re a parent or guardian seeking help for your asexual teenager, online therapy for kids from 12 to 19 is available at TeenCounseling. 

Studies show that individual psychotherapy treatments are equally effective online and in person. Virtual therapies are often more cost-effective and require you to wait less time before speaking with a therapist. You can reach a vast selection of mental health professionals with teletherapy platforms. If you don't find someone who blends well with your personality and situation, connecting with another therapist is simple. Studies show that online and face-to-face couples therapy deliver similar outcomes. 

Takeaway 

It can be challenging to be asexual in an oversexualized world when your orientation is often overlooked or misunderstood. The information in this article offers insight into what it means to be asexual and how therapy can help you explore your sexuality with the support and guidance of a mental health professional.