How To Get Her Back: 5 Tips For Understanding The Breakup, Emotions, And Conversation

Determine why you want her back and understand your emotions

Before you jump right back into trying to get her back, take a few minutes and think about why you want to get back together. Some people follow the “no contact” rule, which means no communication with your ex, after a breakup because they believe that it creates space that helps them process their emotions and self reflect.

If you want her back because you miss having someone in your life, you may end up in the same place again. Change can be difficult and figuring out how to move on from an ended relationship is something many people struggle with. Still, that doesn't always mean the right step is to get back together. 

If the relationship didn’t add to your life and doesn’t make sense for your long-term goals, you might want to think twice before letting her back into your life. However, if this time apart has helped you realize that she’s the one you want in your life and that a relationship with her could be beneficial for both of you, you might proceed with trying to win her back. 

How to win her back

Here are 5 tips that may help you win her back:

Figure out what happened: Understanding the reason for the breakup 

If you want to know how to get her back, it can help to understand why you aren't together in the first place. Without recognizing the reasons behind the split, it could be pointless to get back together again. You might end up with the same unresolvable issues and wind up repeating the same cycle. 

The real reason why you split up could be different than what you thought at first. It may seem that you broke up over one thing, when really there’s some deeper issue at play. For example, a couple who splits up over constant fighting might have been struggling with open and honest communication. Learning how to repair this issue could solve the bouts of fighting going forward. Getting to the root of the problem can involve self-awareness, insight, and lots of thinking. Further, asking her what went wrong can help ensure that you get things right the next time around. 

Work on making changes

Instead of waiting to make changes until you’re back together with her, try to start making improvements now. It can be crucial to show that you’ve changed before trying to win her back. In fact, if she notices that you’ve changed, that may be exactly what wins her back in the end. 

That being said, it can be important to avoid making changes only to please someone else or win them back, especially if you don’t agree with what they wanted to change. Not every change is necessary or even healthy, particularly those that take away from who you are. Just because something isn’t her preference doesn’t mean it needs to be changed. 

Try to ensure you’re making changes for yourself first and foremost. It can be important to make improvements that you can carry with you for life, regardless of if you end up with her or not. Making changes because you want to grow as a person can help increase your self-confidence and contribute to your happiness.

Build your self-esteem

Having healthy self-esteem and confidence can make you more desirable as a person and a partner. Those with low self-esteem might find it challenging to have a healthy relationship. They might struggle with jealousy, insecurities, or fear about the relationship ending. Some people with low self-esteem become people pleasers or develop codependent behaviors. Each of these can push a partner further away, undermining the health of the relationship. Increasing your confidence and self-esteem can help address these problems. 

Watch what you say

If you’re wanting to get back together with your ex, it can be important to watch what you say to her and to other people. In the initial stages of a breakup, you may be feeling a lot of hurt, pain, and anger. It's easy to voice these frustrations and feelings to other people or on social media and to say things that you don't really mean out of those negative emotions. Still, the last thing you probably want to do is say something that you’ll later regret.

Find the right balance

Once you know that you want her back in your life, it may be time to start reaching out to her to win her back. However, it can be crucial to find the balance of letting her know that you're interested and giving her the space that she needs during this time. While she may be receptive to your advances right away and agree to get back together, it’s also possible she needs more time. Pressuring her into reentering a relationship with you could only set things back further. Instead of pushing her into it, give her time and space to sort out her feelings. Rushing into another relationship too soon could lead to a similar outcome in the future, so ensure both of you are on the same page. 

The value of conversation

Whether you’re talking to her, her friends, your friends, or anyone else, remember that your words could get back to your ex. This could affect the likelihood of you two getting back together in the future. While you may be feeling some very negative emotions, it can be important not to let them control you. Emotional regulation can be a vital coping skill to learn and practice, particularly during high-stress situations. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't find someone to talk to if you're struggling or trying to work through what happened in your relationship, but it does mean that you may want to think twice about what you say and how you say it.

How to get her back without making these common mistakes

It can be just as important to focus on what you may want to avoid when trying to win her back. Here are some tips to help keep your efforts focused and healthy:

• Avoid being pushy: You may have decided how you want the future to look and that you want her to be a part of it, but that doesn't mean that she feels the same way. If you try to be forceful or demand that the two of you get back together, you may push her further away.
• Avoid making her jealous: There's a lot of advice online that says you should start dating right after a breakup to try to make her jealous if you want to get back together. While this might work for some people, it usually isn’t the healthiest way to restart your relationship. Trying to make someone jealous on purpose could be a manipulative tactic that doesn’t allow the other person to consider how they’re really feeling. 
• Avoid lying: If you want to have a successful and healthy relationship, the last thing you probably want to do is ruin the trust between the two of you before you have even started to rebuild it. Basing a relationship on lies can lead to its ultimate downfall. The truth is bound to come out eventually, and it could ruin everything you’ve worked so hard to rebuild.
• Avoid rushing her: It may take time to get back together if it happens at all. Rather than rushing things, allow the relationship to progress on its own naturally. Try to avoid expectations that you're going to restart the relationship at the same place and pace where it left off. Depending on why the two of you split up, you may be starting the relationship completely over again. For many people, this might be the healthiest way to do it, so you have a fresh start.

Online counseling with Regain

Relationships can be complicated, but you don’t have to sort through them alone. By talking to a therapist, you can work through what went wrong in your relationship, what possible changes you need to make in your own life, and your feelings about winning her back. A therapist can help you make the positive changes in your life that you want to see. They can also help you understand what to do differently in your relationship if you do win her back. If your ex is interested in getting back together, you may want to consider couples therapy to help you both get started on the right foot. 

Regain is an online counseling platform that can offer their support whether you want to do individual sessions or couples counseling. Since sessions are online, you won’t need to worry about driving long distances together or being on a waiting list. Instead, you can connect with your therapist from home at a time that’s convenient for you and your significant other. An outside opinion can be what you need to improve your life and your relationship.

The efficacy of online counseling for overcoming a breakup: Understanding the reason for the split with professional support 

Try as you might, not all exes can be won back. The emotional turmoil of a breakup can be difficult to get past, but according to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, cognitive therapy can help people move on. Researchers discovered that by encouraging people to think about the negative aspects of their relationship, it helped them get over their ex. Participants were told to write down as many negative things about their ex as they could. While this increased their painful feelings in the beginning, it ultimately helped them decrease attachment to their ex with greater speed. Research has shown that online cognitive-behavioral therapy is just as effective as face-to-face therapy. Those looking to get past a breakup could benefit from therapy through either modality. 

Counselor reviews

“I don’t know what I would have done without Harry. I was in a super low place and I was not sure what my problems were or how to solve them, but he was able to help me get to the bottom of my problems and work through them. Today I am happy and feeling like myself again. He was so easy to talk to and worked with me whenever I needed him. Even on vacation he took time to call me and talk through whatever I was going through. I would highly recommend him.”

"My experience with Priscilla has been immensely helpful in better understanding myself and providing me with the tools to see my life and relationships with more clarity and compassion."

Takeaway

Winning someone back isn’t always an easy feat. Some relationships can be mended, but not all of them are meant to be. By being open with your ex about how you feel, remaining honest, and working on making positive changes in your own life, you may stand a chance of winning her back. It can be important to improve your life in ways that last regardless of if you get back with your ex or not. By focusing on yourself and letting things unfold naturally, you can work toward living a life you can be proud of. If you need help making improvements in your life or moving past an ex, a licensed online counselor could be instrumental in either of these processes. Regain offers assistance no matter what obstacles you might be facing.