Forgiveness From Others: The Importance Of Apologies And Six Tips To Overcome Guilt

At some point in our lives, we’ve all had to apologize for hurting someone else’s feelings. Most of us have also received an apology for being hurt by someone else. When you know you’ve done something wrong, sometimes the guilt can start to eat away at you. In some cases, this feeling can be so strong that it keeps you from trying to repair the situation. Knowing how to apologize, accept an apology, and overcome guilt can be vital for maintaining healthy relationships in your life. Although you may not have control over many aspects of forgiveness, you can do your part by doing what feels right and letting the rest fall into place naturally. 

Why it's important to apologize

Apologizing can have many benefits for both the person offering the apology and the one that's receiving it. A heartfelt apology can keep a situation from escalating and allow both parties to mend their relationship. When people are in an argument, it can be easy for things to get heated— tempers flare, and blood pressure rises. When one person apologizes, it can start to deescalate the situation. If you have hurt another person, apologizing can have the following benefits:

An apology can show that you weren’t trying to act against them

If you hurt someone, they likely took it as a personal act against them. They may have been offended, hurt, or both. When this happens, people can become instantly defensive and think that you were purposely coming against them. Even if that's not what you were doing or what your intention was, that's often how it's perceived. So, when you apologize, you begin to remove this feeling.

An apology acknowledges what you've done

Sometimes, the first step to getting someone to forgive you is to let them know that you acknowledge what you did was wrong. If the other person thinks that you're trying to get away with not having to take responsibility for what you've done, they may not be as likely to forgive you. Therefore, it can be important to say what you're apologizing for when you try to make the situation right. 

An apology opens the door for discussion and moving forward

When you apologize,you may not receive instant forgiveness. By acknowledging the wrong you have done and letting the person know that you feel bad about it and want to make things right, you can open the door for a new discussion. Although the other person may need time and space before they accept your apology, you leave the door open for them when they’re ready. 

How to overcome guilt

While you can't control if someone chooses to forgive you or not, there are some things that you can do to make it easier for them to forgive you. These things can also help you forgive yourself and allow you both to move forward healthily. Consider doing the following to prevent and overcome guilt after you’ve hurt another person: 

Show that you are remorseful

An apology in and of itself may not be enough. Further, it may be less about what’s said and more about how it’s sad. We see this situation played out regularly in children who are interacting with one another. One child does something that hurts the other and is then told to apologize. However, when they apologize, they say "I'm sorry" in a mean way and are then told by a parent to "say it like you mean it."

This advice can be important as an adult as well. People are less likely to forgive you if you do not show them that you are remorseful for what you have done. If you are saying the words "I'm sorry" to get them to forgive you and not because you mean it, they may see right through it. If you aren't sorry, you may want to avoid apologizing until you can genuinely mean it. If you are sorry, be sure to communicate to the other person that you are deeply remorseful and that your apology is sincere.

Explain the situation if that's what the other person wants

Some people may want an explanation of what your thought process was in the action or behavior you took. They may need this information to be able to move toward accepting your apology. However, some people might take your explanation of the situation as a sign that you are trying to excuse your behavior. Depending on the person you’ve hurt, they may or may not need an explanation. You can approach this step on a case-by-case basis according to what the other person says that they need. 

Take responsibility

It can be important to own the situation and what you did wrong. Trying to sugarcoat your behavior or the situation may make it more difficult for someone to forgive you because they may sense that you’re not being sincere. Owning up to your behavior can validate the other person’s feelings and allow them to feel heard and seen. 

Do what you can to make it right

Sometimes when you have wronged someone, there are actions that you can take to improve the situation. Take some time to think through the situation and what you did wrong and think about what (if anything) you can do to change it. If you're trying to apologize but not doing anything to make the situation better, your apology may not look sincere. Being sorry and remorseful is something that you can show with your actions and not just your words.

Let them know what you're going to do differently in the future

Sometimes it can make it easier for someone to forgive you if they know that you're going to be proactive in the future. When you let someone know what your plans are not to repeat the hurt that you caused, it can go a long way in showing the person you are genuinely sorry. It lets them know that you have thought through the situation and what you need to do to improve. A person may be able to accept your apology more readily if they know that you’ll try your hardest not to hurt them again. If you follow this step, it can be crucial to follow through with it. That is, if you commit to being better, sticking to your word can allow trust to develop between you and the other person. If you break your word, it may be more difficult to have your apology accepted the next time around. 

Forgive yourself

Forgiving yourself can be important for both you and the other person if you're still in a relationship with them. If they forgive you and you don't forgive yourself, you may carry guilty or shameful feelings into the relationship moving forward. Even if the other person has not forgiven you, choosing to forgive yourself can still be vital to your well-being. It can allow you to overcome the guilt you're feeling and give you an opportunity to commit to doing better in the future. If you have done everything you can to make the situation right, it's probably time to forgive yourself and move on. You don't need to wait for someone else’s forgiveness to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness vs. restoration

Remember that just because someone forgives you does not mean that they will necessarily want to maintain a relationship with you. This may not be easy to understand. If you did something wrong to hurt someone or break their trust and have apologized, you may think that things should be able to go back to the way they were before. However, this isn’t always the case.

For example, in the case of infidelity in a marriage, it may be possible for one spouse to forgive the other person for cheating, but that doesn't mean that they suddenly trust their spouse again. It can be hard to have a healthy relationship without trust. So, they may decide, even though they have forgiven their spouse, not to restore the relationship to what it once was.

This decision is not within your control. If a relationship is lost because of something you have done, it may be a natural consequence of the behavior. No one has the power to force a connection with someone else. You can show someone you’ve hurt that you are remorseful, that you have changed, and that you’re working on rebuilding trust with them. In time, this can help to restore the relationship, but it's not something that you can automatically expect or demand. An apology may not always be enough, and this can be challenging to come to terms with. Still, if you’ve done everything you can to make the situation right, it can be important to forgive yourself at the very least.

Online counseling with Regain

In healthy levels, guilt can be a helpful emotion. However, experiencing unnecessary guilt for things that aren’t your fault or developing feelings of shame can be harmful to your mental health. If you’re struggling in either of these areas, it could be beneficial to connect with a licensed online therapist through the Regain platform. From the comfort of your own home, a therapist can help you process your feelings and let go of the guilt and shame that isn’t yours to carry. If you’re having a tough time making it through the day without being bogged down by heavy emotions, you can simply message your therapist and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. You deserve to live a life free from guilt and shame, and a therapist can help you get there. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Online therapy has been shown to be just as effective as face-to-face sessions. Therapy can be helpful for addressing a variety of concerns including guilt. In one study, researchers found that trauma-informed guilt reduction therapy was “efficacious in reducing guilt that is common to moral injury as well as PTSD and depression symptoms among combat veterans.” If you need help moving past your guilt, it could be beneficial to connect with an online therapist for support.  

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Takeaway

Forgiving others can be equally as important as learning how to forgive yourself. If you’re experiencing emotions like guilt, shame, or resentment, it could indicate that some type of apology is in order—whether from you or someone else. Should you find yourself struggling to forgive or let go of the past, it could be helpful to confide in an online therapist. Regain can connect you with a therapist who can guide you toward healing and self-acceptance, ultimately allowing you to move forward feeling lighter, healthier, and happier.