How To Navigate Difficult Sister Relationships
- For those experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988
- For those experiencing abuse, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
- For those experiencing substance use, please contact SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357
For some sisters, a connection is formed early on, and it brings them closer each day. This is the perfect description of a loving sisterly bond, but not all sisters have this type of relationship. There may be a rift that occurred when you were young. Or it’s possible that as you grow older, you realize that there was never much between you from the start.
Whatever the scenario, it can be saddening to know that when something major happens in your life, you can’t pick up the phone and call your sister. If the relationship with your sister is one that seems beyond repair, you may wonder if terminating the relationship completely is the answer to your sibling issues, or if you should keep trying to reconcile.
Determining what went wrong
What could happen in life that’s so bad that it causes stress or strain on a sibling relationship? Of course, the answers to this question could be endless. Relationships can be difficult to manage, even between or among sisters. Numerous circumstances can lead to disconnect or a break in the relationship, causing sister issues.
It is common to hear of sisters or older siblings becoming estranged. Some sisters admit to leading happier lives without communicating with their sister because they prefer to avoid the drama of a strenuous relationship. Most psychologists agree that putting an end to the relationship entirely shouldn’t be the first step, though. Attempting to make the relationship work is preferable unless the connection has become too toxic to remain in.
When sisters are born, parents usually prefer that they grow up loving and caring for each other with healthy family dynamics. They would like to think that there won't be any sibling rivalry between them. However, personalities, social skills, likes, and dislikes may make this goal difficult and nearly impossible for some to reach. Although the ideal is for sisters to be best friends, this isn’t always the reality.
The foundations of sister rivalry
One of the biggest culprits in sister rivalries is family. Intentionally or unintentionally, parents may treat their children differently. Perhaps in the parent’s eyes, each child is different and needs to be loved differently. While parents may mean no ill intent, this difference in treatment can have unintended consequences. For example, if a child feels that her parents show favoritism to one sibling over the other, it can cause resentment that grows over the years, eventually leading to difficult sister relationships.
Abuse is another foundation for strained relationships between sisters. If one sister is overly aggressive or abusive towards the other, it may harm the relationship permanently. It’s difficult to maintain a relationship with toxic people that were mean to you or bullied you as a child. It may stay with you and can affect your relationship with others. It could also have ill effects on your own self-esteem or self-worth. If you’ve been the victim of abuse of any kind, consider speaking to a professional for guidance. Living with the pain of being mistreated can make it difficult for you to maintain healthy relationships.
Grief is one of the most common denominators in division among siblings. The loss of a parent or other sibling could cause one or more sisters to become withdrawn. It may also cause some deeply embedded emotions to surface, which could spark animosity among sisters. In many families, the parents are the glue that holds the siblings together. Sisters may feel there’s no need to continue the sibling relationship if the parents are no longer around. Grief from the loss of a parent can be traumatic, especially if one sibling feels that others didn’t do their part or care for the parents as much as they did. Consider that grief is a time for families to come together and support each other.
Personal struggles can also cause a rift among sisters. If there is a problem with drugs, alcohol, or similar issues, it can destroy relationships, even among siblings. In most cases, sisters go above and beyond to make things better or help their siblings through times like these. After many failed attempts, though, one or more siblings may walk away because they feel there is no hope. It might begin to put a strain on their personal life and cause chaos at home, work, and in their social circles. In these instances, walking away may be the best option.
Facing difficult sister relationships
Once the relationship with your sister becomes too difficult to manage, estrangement may present itself. This is the process of outgrowing each other or going your separate ways. Estrangement can be painful when it arises because of conflict or distress between sisters. The decision to walk away is usually reached when one person finds it impossible to move forward in the relationship. Long story short, there could be some things that push the bar or cross the line to the point of no return.
Crossing the line may be the result of saying hurtful things, making cruel remarks, behaving negatively towards one’s spouse or children, refusing to take prescribed medication for mental issues, or associating with questionable people. All these factors are concerning and understandably damaging to a relationship. However, they don’t have to be the downfall or end of the sisterly bond.
Managing difficult sister relationships
If you are in search of ways to manage a difficult relationship with your sister, it means that you have hope that the relationship can be salvaged. In that case, there are a few things you can do to restore or initiate a healthy bond with your sister.
- Be compassionate with your sister and attempt to consider her perspective along with yours. It’s easy to assume that your sister is mean or deliberate in their actions. Sometimes, anger may set in prematurely because a person misunderstands another’s intentions.
- Have a conversation explaining how you feel and why you feel that way. Sometimes it’s a matter of misunderstanding what the other person is going through. You may need to talk with your sister to find out why they’re behaving the way they are. Tell your sister what problems you have with her and talk them over. You might be surprised at what can be accomplished just by having a simple conversation.
- Take a step back. Instead of cutting your sister out of your life completely, consider giving them a little space. Don’t call as often, for example. Reduce visits to once or twice per month. Make it clear that you’re available if she needs you, but let her know you’ll be taking some time for yourself. Send an occasional text or email to check in on her. This allows you to experience your true feelings without your sister’s constant influence. Then ask yourself: Do you miss her? Is it hard not seeing or talking to your sister often? Do you catch yourself picking up the phone to call her? If so, the space you’ve taken may be helping you to realize that you value the relationship with your sister more than you thought.
The cost of walking away
If you’ve decided that enough is enough, you may decide to walk away from your sister. Unless you’re completely disengaged, walking away may not be easy, and it could come at a cost.
Before you say goodbye to your sister for good, think about your efforts and the outcome. Consider your role in the downfall of the relationship and what it says about you as a sibling. Are you comfortable knowing you’ve walked away from family? Is cutting your sister out of your life the best and only way to cope with the pain you’re experiencing? Are your feelings toward your sister the result of a deeper issue you’re dealing with in your life?
Once you walk away, it’s as if you’re saying that you’ve done and said everything possible. Think long and hard about the decision you make to end a relationship with your loved ones because sometimes, it can be difficult to reestablish a relationship that you turned your back on.
How to rebuild the relationship
If you know that there is hope for the relationship, consider working to re-establish the bond. There are steps you can take to make the relationship better.
Consider the following:
- Talk to other people in the family to get their perspective on the relationship between you and your sister. There may be something you’re missing or misunderstanding. Hearing what others think may provide insight that you haven’t considered in the past.
- Make a list of all the things you love about your sister. Take about a week and write down these things as they come to mind. Now spend a weekend imagining a life without the things you love about her.
- Compose a list of all the things that bother you about your sister. Once the list is complete, take a close look at it and see if any of those things are reflective of your mannerisms or ways. It’s sometimes difficult to see yourself in others. But sisters may be more alike than not.
- Have a cordial departure. If you decide to walk away, it’s your decision. However, it’s not advisable to do it with malice or hatred. Instead, try to arrange a cordial departure. Talk with your sister and explain that you’re doing it for the sake of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Doing this will grant you closure and prevent you from feeling regret in the future. It is often during the closure conversation that the relationship is re-established, which gives substance to the statement that it’s never too late to regain what once was.
Perhaps the most effective approach to reestablishing any relationship is to seek individual or relationship counseling. There may be a misconception that relationship counseling is for couples only, but it can be helpful in family situations as well. Taking the initiative to seek counseling shows that you care enough to save the relationship between you and your sister. Even if the relationship isn’t salvaged, you may experience individual healing after discussing your issues.
You might feel ashamed of your issues, for example, or hesitate to talk negatively about your sister outside of the family. In such circumstances, online counseling may provide a better alternative. Many people report feeling more at ease discussing these sensitive issues in a web-based environment.
Online therapy is backed by scholarly research in the field of mental health. A recent study demonstrated the effectiveness of counseling delivered via videoconferencing, not only for individuals but for families as well.
Counselor reviews
“Dr Brown has made a significant impact in our lives. She is always giving honest advice and we feel she genuinely cares about our family. She is a valued treasure that we are grateful for in our lives :)”
“Ivy has helped me find a way to relax. She also helped me understand what was going wrong with myself and my relationship with my family. Thank you, Ivy!”
Takeaway
Some experts believe that sisters who have a strong network of family and friends live happier and healthier lives. Therefore, it may be important to try to rekindle difficult sister relationships whenever possible. Try to think of ways to make the relationship better before you walk away completely. If you need support or are considering counseling to mend the relationship, contact Regain for assistance.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
Why are sister relationships difficult?
Sibling relationships can be difficult for a number of reasons. Every sibling relationship is different; you may have a twin that’s the same age as you are, or you might have been born 20 years apart from your brother or sister. If you’re close in age, you might’ve found yourselves butting heads at home as kids or getting into frequent arguments. If you’re far apart in age, you might’ve found it challenging to relate to each other at some point in time, whether that’s right now or in the past. Sibling relationships can come with competition, overstepped boundaries, and quarrels, but often, they also hold a special kind of love and understanding. Your siblings are the only other people in the world who truly know what it was like to grow up in your household and with your unique family circumstances. They know you on a deep level and have likely seen you through a variety of stages in your life. With that said, some sibling relationships are more complicated than others by a longshot. When you’re in a difficult sibling relationship, it can leave you wondering what to do, but there are ways to navigate those difficult sibling relationships effectively.
How do you deal with a difficult sister?
First, what does it mean to you to have a difficult sibling? In a sibling relationship, you’ll likely get on each other’s nerves from time to time, but some sibling relationships are far more tumultuous than that. If your sister is toxic or makes you feel bad about yourself, you might deal with them by setting boundaries or distancing yourself from them if they don’t want to respect your boundaries. In life, you can’t control what other people do. You can only control your own actions, so make sure that you’re doing what you need to do to care for yourself. If your brother or sister expects more of you than you can give, you can set boundaries surrounding that, too. Sibling relationships are so broad, nuanced, and varied that the answer to this question will look different depending on your unique relationship and who you and your sister are as individuals. Generally, having an open, respectful conversation and setting boundaries is the first step to dealing with a sibling you’re having problems with. If these efforts aren’t well-received, further action such as reinstating boundaries or establishing a comfortable amount of distance might be the answer.
How do you tell if your sister hates you?
Even if your sister says, “I hate you,” it doesn’t always mean that she does. Adult sibling relationships are very different from childhood sibling relationships; as kids, your sister may have said, “I hate you” when she was upset with you, but it’s likely that she didn’t mean it. In adult sibling relationships, however, saying “I hate you,” especially when it’s frequent and not said in a joking manner that’s mutually understood and okay with both of you, is far less appropriate. If your brother or sister says, “I hate you,” and you aren’t okay with it or don’t see it as humorous, bring it up with them in a conversation. In healthy relationships, a sibling will hear you out and make an effort to stop saying things that make you feel disliked or uncomfortable. Family therapy can help siblings establish healthy relationships. Additionally, if you find that a sibling is toxic, counseling or therapy can help you learn how to navigate conversations with your brother or sister. You don’t have to attend family therapy to get help with your familial relationships. Instead, you can see a therapist or counselor for one-on-one sessions. Seeking counseling as an individual is empowering, and it can give you an extensive list of tools to use in any of your interpersonal relationships. This isn’t something that you have to go through alone. Feeling like your sibling hates you hurts, and it certainly doesn’t cultivate healthy relationships.
What is a toxic sister?
If your brother or sister actively bullies you, you likely have a toxic sibling relationship. Bullying could look like physical violence, or it could look like emotional abuse. If your brother or sister calls you names, tells you that you’re bad at everything you do, or harms you physically, it’s a sign that they’re toxic for you. Do you feel bad about yourself every time you’re around your sibling? Do they pick fights or criticize your life choices? Do they disrespect your boundaries? Do you feel unsafe around them? These are all questions that you can ask yourself to determine if you have a toxic sibling relationship.
How do I ignore my sister forever?
When it comes to adult sibling relationships, you get to make choices that you didn’t get to make in your childhood sibling relationships. As adults, you can decide whether or not your brother or sister is in your life. Your boundaries are up to you. If your brother or sister is truly toxic, and you want nothing to do with them, you can ignore them by stopping communication with them entirely. You don’t have to follow them on social media, you don’t need to see your family when they’re around, and you don’t even need to give them your cell phone number. Of course, cutting off contact to this degree is something that you’ll likely only consider in cases where sibling relationships are bad for your emotional or physical wellbeing. That said, it’s up to you to make that choice, and you don’t need to feel bad about the decision to make. It’s vital to do what’s best for you.
How do you show love to your sister?
To show love to your sister, think about what’s meaningful to her. Showing love in sibling relationships can be as simple as saying, “I love you.” If you live far away, make an effort to call your brother or sister. Send them a “thinking of you” card and let them know that you miss them. Point out their good traits and compliment them on those traits. Stay in contact, and check on them regularly to see how they’re doing. Adult sibling relationships are special. Even if you didn’t get along as kids, you and your siblings might have grown together and developed a strong bond as adults. In adult sibling relationships, you’ll have an opportunity to show up for your brother or sister in valuable ways. For example, you’ll get to be there on their wedding day, when they buy a house, when they build a family, when they hit a new mark in their career, or any other accomplishments that are important to them as individuals. Embrace your adult sibling relationships and let your sibling know that you appreciate the person they are.
Why is my sister so jealous of me?
Jealousy can harm otherwise healthy relationships. The only way to know why your sister is jealous of you is to ask. If they’ve openly expressed their jealousy to you, you can say, “what makes you feel that way?” If not, you can point out the specific behavior that makes you think they’re jealous of you and ask them if there’s anything you can do to help. Express to your sibling that you want to have a good relationship with them and that you want to bond with them. Maybe, they’re jealous of you because you have something they don’t. Whether that’s higher grades in school, a romantic relationship, a career, or something else, you can communicate to them that they are good enough and that you don’t see them as flawed in any way. Tell them that you’re proud of them, that they’re special, and that they have a lot going for them. Hearing those words from you can lift your sibling up and make them feel less jealous. In healthy relationships, people lift one another up and notice each other’s good qualities, so this is an excellent way to improve your relationship with a person in general.
How do I bond with my sister?
You can bond with your sister and build a stronger sibling relationship by spending time with one another. Actively listen when she talks, and be sure to ask her questions about her life. Don’t push her or get nosy, but be there for her when she needs someone. If you’re long-distance, again, you can call them or video chat with your siblings to bond with them. Show interest in their lives. You and your sibling might be very different, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t bond with them or show them love. Welcome the things that are important to them and embrace the things that make your sibling special to you. Value your time with each other, and make it known that their time is important to you. Sibling relationships are irreplaceable, so love, kindness, and quality time can go a long way.
How do you detach from a toxic sister?
What is the most common cause of sibling conflict?
- Previous Article
- Next Article