How To Recognize If Someone You're Dating Is Emotionally Unavailable

Emotional availability refers to someone’s ability to connect on a deeper, emotional level. For example, emotionally available people are willing to openly and honestly discuss their feelings.

Dating someone emotionally unavailable can be a difficult, frustrating, and ultimately painful experience. It may feel like you’re always trying to reach a goal that keeps moving further away. You may wonder if there’s something wrong with you if someone who claims to love you keeps you at arm’s length.      

In this article, we’ll discuss how to recognize whether or not your partner is emotionally available and what you can do to either improve the relationship or to move on for your self-preservation.

What does emotionally unavailable mean?

An emotionally unavailable partner is often strongly independent and has difficulty discussing and expressing their feelings. They may make excuses to keep their distance, vacillate between affection and rejection, and shy away from excessive intimacy or displays of affection. You may never know where you stand with someone who is not emotionally available, even if they claim to love you and want to be with you.

While the goal is to feel heard and emotionally supported by your partner, there is such a thing as too much reliance on someone else. It’s not healthy to expect your partner to be fully responsible for managing your negative feelings. That can lead to an unbalanced relationship and codependent behavior, in which one partner tries to take on too much responsibility and control the other person.

But being with someone who is unavailable emotionally can often feel like a one-sided relationship. It can be a painful, lonely experience that makes you feel rejected and frustrated. Certain men are most often seen to be emotionally unavailable, but increasing numbers of women have been identified as having the same defining characteristics.

Characteristics of an emotionally unavailable partner

The quality of being emotionally unavailable isn’t difficult to spot if you know what to look for. The behavior of emotionally unavailable partners in relationships is described as cold, distant, detached, or dismissive from the outside—it’s as though they have built an invisible wall around themselves. Attempts to scale this wall and get them to open up usually lead to further distance.

An avoidant relationship style has been associated through research with poorer relationship satisfaction and outcomes.

Emotionally Closed-Off Partners May:

• Avoid any conflict or discussion about the relationship or feelings

• Refuse to discuss plans about the future

• Have difficulty putting how they feel into words

• Have physical manifestations of emotions such as headaches, heartburn, and stomachaches

• Avoid physical contact

• Be late when you make plans together

• Have difficulty compromising, even on small matters

• Make excuses for minimizing your time together

To make matters more confusing, some people who have an emotionally avoidant style may begin a relationship by seeming much more open. That’s because intimacy is still on a superficial level and there’s not too much risk of the other person getting close yet. For most emotionally avoidant people, they want love desperately but are also terrified of being hurt.

The closer that you get to an emotionally unavailable person, the more vulnerable and worried they might feel. They may not realize how uncomfortable intimacy makes them feel, especially if they consciously want a relationship.

Why do people become emotionally unavailable?

Knowing the reasons behind your partner’s emotional distance can make it easier to manage your negative feelings and distress. Additionally, it can help you better relate to your partner and to determine whether the relationship is truly sustainable.

People become emotionally detached and distant to guard their hearts against pain after being rejected, abused, bullied, or otherwise mistreated. It often starts with an emotionally distant, neglectful, or abusive parent who teaches them early on that their emotional needs won’t be met and to not depend on anyone but themselves.

Someone may become temporarily emotionally cut off for various reasons, such as after the death of a loved one while battling depression or another serious illness, or after a job loss. This difficult time may pass on its own, or they may require professional support, such as speaking with a therapist. Either way, the emotional distance is usually only temporary if its contrary to their previous style of relating.

Is my partner “bad” if they’re emotionally unavailable?

Being emotionally unavailable, no matter the reason, does not make someone a bad person. Usually, emotionally unavailable partners are that way because they’ve learned to guard their hearts against the pain experienced by previous traumas. It means they’ve learned to build a wall around themselves to avoid further hurt and maintain a comforting sense of independence and control.

It can be difficult to date someone who is often distant and cold, especially if you’re an affectionate person. You may constantly feel like you’re receiving mixed messages.

While a partner may not be a bad person for being emotionally detached, if they are not willing to work on improving intimacy and communication in the relationship, you may not be able to make it work. It takes both partners working together to repair and strengthen a relationship, and that means effort and dedication on both sides.

What to do if your partner is emotionally unavailable

Have a frank discussion

The first step if you suspect that the person you’re dating is emotionally unavailable is to attempt to spark an open discussion about the situation. This can be tricky if the other person is closed off or has difficulty talking about their emotions or putting their thoughts into words. Sometimes, emotionally unavailable people do wind up getting married. If your emotionally unavailable husband or wife is putting a strain on the marriage, you owe it to yourselves to address it.

Engage your partner in a non-confrontational manner when both of you are calm and relaxed

Keep your words positive and encouraging and focus on the specific problems you’ve identified without blaming your partner.

Know it’s not your fault

This is far easier said than done, of course. Most of us tend to take it personally when our partner turns away from us. It can hurt deeply when your bids for attention or attempts at affection are declined, especially if it becomes a regular thing. But when this happens, try to adopt a mindful perspective on the situation. An emotionally unavailable husband, for example, who avoids spending a lot of romantic time with his wife may be to maintain his feeling of independence and ward off discomfort with intimacy. It’s not you; it’s the other person.

Listen when they say they aren’t ready

f your partner openly states that they are not ready for commitment, not sure about your relationship, or doubts that you’re right for them, listen. Even if they claim to love you or possibly want to build something in the future, if they express these kinds of doubts, it means they already have ammunition against you that will be hard to overcome.

Don’t start an argument

Maybe you’ve attempted to discuss your feelings and concerns calmly and rationally with your partner, only to hear crickets in response. You may feel that an argument is the only way to get your partner’s attention. However, this will only cause your partner to close up more, especially if they’re uncomfortable with confrontation. As odd as it may seem, they may even feel attacked by your attempts to work through your issues, as this type of conversation threatens to make them vulnerable.

Give them space where you can

If you’re hoping to be spending time with your partner constantly, you’re bound to be disappointed if they’re the avoidant type. Instead, try to expand your hobbies and time with friends. By giving your partner a good amount of distance, they may grow more comfortable with intimacy and meet you halfway. 

Celebrate victories, big and small

If your partner begins to put their feelings into words or appear to truly take your concerns to heart and is trying to change, celebrate these victories. Genuinely praise these attempts, which require more effort than you may realize. It can be painful and scary to make yourself vulnerable, and our brains are wired to avoid these attempts at change.

Know when to walk away

If your partner is unwilling or unable to change, then you’ll have a tough decision to make. Often, emotionally detached partners reach a limit where they must decide whether to commit or not, and many are just not ready to commit. But others can drag out a relationship with maddeningly hot and cold behavior for months or even years. At a certain point, if your partner hasn’t made a true attempt to change and continues to ignore you or push you away, it may be best to move on.

Can therapy help?

If you find yourself at an impasse with your partner, couples therapy can be of potential assistance—that’s if your partner is willing to work on opening up more, and both of you are receptive to adopting more effective ways of communicating and relating to one another.

If the relationship ends, you may find yourself in need of guidance and support to pick up the pieces. Being shut out by someone you love, even if you understand the motive behind their distance and defensiveness, can be extremely hurtful.

Regain.us offers both individual and couples counseling to help you improve your relationships and overcome past hurts to better emotional intimacy. In addition to being convenient, online therapy is proven by research to be an equally effective form of treatment for several different mental health concerns that can play into the struggles of an emotionally unavailable partner. 

Takeaway

If you feel that your partner is emotionally unavailable, there’s still a path to improving your relationship. Communication is key, but therapy may also be able to help you both work through the challenges together.