How To Tell If Someone Lacks Confidence When Dating -- And What To Do About It

Updated October 8, 2024by Regain Editorial Team

Confidence can be an advantage when it comes to dating. When you date, you're putting yourself out there, opening up to other people, and allowing them to get to know you. This can be nerve-wracking for anyone, but a lack of confidence can make it even more so. Dating may require vulnerability and sometimes, the ability to take rejection with grace. 

Exuding confidence can be a challenge for many people, and it makes sense that this is the case. Unrealistic beauty standards in the media compounded by wounds from past relationships and negative dating experiences can make people feel insecure and may contribute to mental health challenges, like anxiety around dating. This can impact relationships and dating significantly. So, how can you tell if someone lacks confidence while dating, and what can you do about it?

Learn about the signs of low confidence and how to improve it

A quick word on dating and confidence

Dating can be a process that takes time, and it may work differently depending on the individual. Everyone is unique, and that's a good thing. What works well for one person in the romantic scene may be disastrous for someone else.

Confidence may develop with time and experience. A person who is new to dating might not have the confidence of someone who has been dating for years. Each person might move at their own pace, and there's no rush or race to reach a finish line.

Different individuals may not have confidence when dating for various reasons, and it's important to be mindful of this. Newness and a lack of familiarity can contribute to a lack of confidence. Being consistently turned down can lessen confidence and may take a toll on someone’s mental health. Issues, such as having experienced abusive* relationships may also affect how a person approaches dating.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Low self-esteem impacting dating and confidence levels can be caused by a variety of factors. Moreover, there are various ways that a lack of confidence might show up.

Three signs that someone lacks confidence when dating

You can't predict what a person is feeling or experiencing. They may have to open up and tell you. However, some common signs and behaviors may be present in a person who lacks confidence while dating.

Extreme clinginess or extreme distance

When it comes to dating and romantic interactions, extremes on either end of the spectrum can affect a partnership negatively and indicate the absence of confidence.

Extreme clinginess may result from the fear of loss. Someone who lacks confidence may believe that they should hold onto romantic attention or affection before it inevitably disappears. Ironically, extreme clinginess can be the thing that drives away the other party. A similar scenario may apply when someone dates but is incredibly distant or wary of allowing others to get close to them. As with clinginess, someone with low confidence when dating might believe that they will eventually be abandoned. Therefore, they may keep potential partners at arm's length to shield themselves from being hurt later. This can also become a self-defeating prophecy. The other party may leave when they determine that the person isn't willing to be vulnerable.

This may have to do with someone's attachment style. Clinginess can be common in those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, and pulling away from intimacy is common in those with an avoidant attachment style. If someone is aware of their attachment style, this can help them better navigate their relationships. 

Pathological lying

A lack of confidence may become apparent in time. However, some individuals may go to extremes to conceal insecurity when dating. One of these extremes includes pathological lying. A person who truly feels okay with who they are will have no problem opening up and letting the other person get to know them. By contrast, someone who doesn't have that confidence might have no qualms about lying. 

Pathological lying may be a tactic someone uses to create a false image or conceal certain details about who they are. For example, someone might exaggerate achievements or lie because they aren't confident in their authentic self. 

Emotional instability

Like extreme clinginess, extreme distance, and pathological lying, emotional instability is another indicator that someone might lack confidence when dating. People who don't feel good about themselves may experience negative self talk and take criticism personally, whether that criticism is real or perceived. For instance, they may start crying because they feel like you're looking at another person when you aren't. Or, they may accuse you of lying when you tell them that you like them. This can be confusing and jarring, and it could be a red flag that the person isn’t ready for a relationship.  

What to do if someone lacks confidence while dating

It may be helpful to remember that we can only control ourselves. The person you're seeing may need to be aware of how a lack of confidence affects their dating and relationships. To improve the situation, they may have to want to change it. Depending on the context and how a lack of confidence might be showing up in your relationship, here are some things you can do:

Provide a healthy amount of reassurance

Giving assurance may help someone overcome negative thoughts about themselves. This can look like saying, "I enjoy spending time with you," "you're so cute," or a similar affirmation. For example, if the person you're seeing is self-conscious about talking to people or taking up space in a conversation, you might say, "I love it when you talk". If they're self-conscious about their appearance, don't give them advice on how to change it. Instead, let them know that you find them attractive. You may also want to be consistent. This may be common courtesy, but it can also make a big difference for someone whose past relationships have been inconsistent. Consider showing up consistently rather than vacillating between "hot and cold". If you're building a partnership, you may want to help create a safe environment for vulnerability. This may mean sticking to any boundaries you have, showing affection openly, and being someone other people can trust.

This doesn't mean that you should be the person's only source of reassurance or spend all day reassuring someone. If you start to feel overwhelmed, it may be time to say, "I feel hurt when you say those things about yourself, and I want to reassure you, but I understand that I can't be the only source of validation for you". From there, you might want to discuss how to create a healthier dynamic in the relationship moving forward.

Remind them of wins in their life

Most everyone has things that they are both proud of and not so proud of. Reminding someone who lacks confidence about their positive traits and accomplishments can be beneficial. For example, if they show you their artwork or talk about something great that happened at work, you could cheer them on. Specific compliments (e.g., "Wow, it's amazing how much you've accomplished" or "You have a great smile; your happiness is contagious!") can be both romantic and potentially helpful. When someone lacks confidence, it can take time to begin to internalize positive information about themselves. However, if they're putting in the effort as well, this can help create a supportive, healthy relationship.

Carry yourself with confidence

The way you carry yourself in this world can inspire others. Other people can be inspired even when you don't know about it. When you carry yourself with confidence, you might let other people know that it's okay for them to do the same.

Don't lose yourself

There may be nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help someone who lacks confidence when dating. Still, if you feel as though the attempts to be helpful are taking a toll on you, then it may be time to take a step back. First and foremost, you may need to prioritize  your health and wellbeing. Sometimes, there is only so much you can do to help someone else. If they aren't putting personal effort in, these tips might not work. 

Resources for help and support

If you or someone you know is going through tough times in life, having to the right help and support can be paramount. Sometimes, directing someone to available resources can make a positive difference and help them regain confidence or conquer other challenges.

Therapy is one option for working to build confidence, but sometimes an in-person therapy session can feel out of reach, especially for someone who experiences self-esteem issues. In circumstances like these, online counseling could be more feasible. Many people report feeling more at ease discussing mental health challenges in a web-based environment. Internet-based counseling could also save you time since you can skip the commute in favor of online sessions. 

Science supports the use of online counseling to support self-improvement. One recent study showed that those undergoing online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) experienced positive outcomes, including mental health gains as well as increased resilience. The study reported similar results for in-person CBT.

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Learn about the signs of low confidence and how to improve it

Takeaway

Online therapy with Regain is available to anyone, regardless of who you are or what you may be going through. If you're interested in learning how to boost your confidence or move through other life and relationship challenges, therapy can help. Regain offers both individual and couples counseling, so whether you want to talk to a therapist one-on-one, with a partner, or both, support is just a click away.

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