I Can't Get Over Him – What Should I Do?

Breaking up with someone you care about is never easy. But even after the relationship is over, the pain can sometimes continue. What do you do when you find yourself saying, "I can't get over him"?  There may be several ways you can handle it. Here are some suggestions to help you get through this difficult time and beyond.

Understand your feelings

Too often, we may judge ourselves harshly for the feelings we have. Perhaps the first thing you can do when experiencing heartache is to stop and accept your feelings. It could be helpful to remind yourself that it isn't "stupid" or "childish" to feel the way you do. It may be a natural reaction to loss.

In fact, the way your brain works may be the reason you are experiencing these feelings of loss. Whenever you think about the person who's no longer a part of your life, it activates several parts of your brain. One part is the ventral terminal region, which affects motivation and reward. Another is the prefrontal cortex, which is related to the dopamine system and addiction. The insular cortex and anterior cingulate cortex, which handle physical pain and bodily distress, are also activated.

With this in mind, it may not be surprising that you feel bad after a breakup. Emotional pain and even desperate longing may be natural and normal feelings that arise whenever you think of him. It may be beneficial to allow yourself to have a good cry. Try not to scold yourself for feeling sad. Instead, consider accepting your feelings as you go through the healing process.

Manage your thoughts

Because your thoughts are causing much of your pain, it might be nice if you could stop thinking of him. Yet, that can be a hard task to accomplish. Thoughts can have a way of sticking in your mind. Sometimes, the thoughts of your ex may be so overwhelming that you don't know how to stop them. Dwelling on those thoughts may only make you feel worse, but you can't always control the thoughts that come into your mind. What you can do, though, is to manage the thoughts once they come to you, especially those things you can't easily control.

Canceling unwanted thoughts

There may be a technique for banishing those unhappy thoughts. For instance, you can say "stop," "cancel," or some other phrase, either out loud or to yourself. You may want to say the word you've chosen and imagine drawing a large red X over the thought. Be advised that this may not work immediately, and it might even lead to thought rebounding. If you find that you need other techniques, consider talking to a counselor to learn more ways of managing your thoughts.

Meditation

If you can't stop dwelling on your painful thoughts, another option is to practice meditation. In meditation, it's not so much that you're pushing out thoughts you don't want. It's more like you're letting them drift by without holding onto them. At the same time, your focus is on something else. In mindfulness meditation, you're noticing all the bodily sensations from within and the sensory information you're getting externally. In other types of meditation, you might be focusing on a particular word or object.

Avoid unhealthy behaviors

You may not always be able to avoid the thoughts that cause you pain. What you can do, though, is avoid the unhealthy behaviors that often accompany those thoughts. This way, you can choose how you respond to the loss. Here are a few behaviors to avoid:

Don't stalk your ex on social media

After the breakup, you may not have a reason to keep in contact on social media. Thus, it may be a good idea to block and unfriend him. By looking to see what he's posting, you could be keeping those sad memories alive. You might also be torturing yourself with the new information you find. For example, it might not help to find out when he says something negative about you or the relationship. You won't likely feel better when you see that he's with someone new, either. You may even feel hurt just knowing that he's having a good time without you. Instead of stalking him on social media, try to relax and let his life go on without you.

Don't isolate yourself

You may feel that if you can't be with him, you'd rather not be with anybody. Or you might feel that you're too sad and hurt to spend time with others. Still, isolating yourself may not be the answer. Spending too much time alone might give you more time to dwell on the loss. If you don't connect with other people often, you could become depressed. Consider taking full advantage of your social support system if you have one. If not, there may be no better time than the present to build one. 

Don't contact him

It's rare that a person really needs to contact their ex after the relationship is over. Unless you have a child together, most of your reasons for getting in touch may be flimsy excuses at best. When you think you need to call him or go over to his house, try to imagine what would happen if you didn't. For example, if you left a t-shirt at his house, what's the worst thing that would happen if you didn't get that clothing back? If the answer is that it would be a minor inconvenience or a small loss, there may be no good reason to stir up your emotions over it.

Avoid turning to drugs or alcohol

Many people who become addicted to drugs and alcohol start using them because of some painful events in their lives. Yet, addiction doesn't solve anything and brings with it a whole new range of problems. Even if you don't become addicted, misusing drugs and alcohol can quickly damage your body and mind. Besides that, you could have other related problems, such as getting into a car wreck because you're under the influence. It's never worth it, and it won't make the pain go away in the long term.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.

Make positive changes

Along with managing your thoughts and unhealthy behaviors, it could be important to focus on the positive as much as possible. Of course, you don't have to go around quoting inspirational sayings or always have a smile on your face. But you can take some steps towards bettering your life. When you do that, the smiles may come naturally.

Get into different hobbies and activities

It could be a good idea to go out and enjoy hobbies and activities alone or with friends. But if every activity you do reminds you of your ex, you may have trouble enjoying yourself. It might get better in time, of course, but there may be another solution. Try remembering hobbies or activities you engaged in before you met your ex, or look for new activities you've never done before. This may help you pass the time in a way that doesn’t bring back painful memories. 

Connect with your friends

Being with friends can be a great way to build your social support. Yet, if you're sticking to the same friends that you considered couple friends in the past, you could be setting yourself up for awkward situations and painful memories. Now could be the perfect time to look up old friends you had before the relationship. You can also make new friends when you're engaging in all those hobbies and activities you choose for yourself.

Complete a self-improvement project

Few things make a single person feel quite so hopeful as starting a self-improvement project. This could be anything from getting a college degree to learning ballroom dance. Whatever you choose to learn, it can help focus your energy away from the past and place it in the present and future. And, if you accomplish something you never thought you could, you'll have that to feel happy about, too. Besides, increasing your skills and abilities may give you more job opportunities as well as an additional way to make new friends.

Benefits of counseling

Getting over an ex isn't easy, but you can certainly do it if you take the right approach. Reading an article about how to get over him is just a first step. There are changes you can make to live a better life. If you feel you can't manage it without help, talking to a licensed counselor can make all the difference.

It might not be easy to talk to a stranger about the lingering feelings you have for your ex, though. Sometimes, these feelings are accompanied by other negative emotions like shame and embarrassment, for instance. Many people report that an online counseling environment makes them feel more comfortable talking about sensitive topics like heartaches and breakups. Internet-based counseling may also be more convenient since you can schedule an appointment outside normal office hours. 

Research in the field of mental health has demonstrated the effectiveness of online counseling. A recent study found that individuals undergoing online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) experienced positive outcomes like increased resilience and mental health gains. Researchers found no significant difference between internet-based outcomes and those resulting from in-person sessions.  

Takeaway

Dealing with feelings of loss and sadness after a breakup can be challenging. It is possible to move forward, though. You can make positive changes that will help you thrive in the future. If you need guidance or support along the way, reach out to a Regain counselor.