I Don't Want To Be In A Relationship: Exploring The Desire To Be Single

We are bombarded with stories and signs of what our lives are supposed to be like. There is pressure on what to eat, how to dress, and what you should be excited about. One of the most common pressures is that everyone should, at some point, settle down with a romantic partner for the rest of their lives. This pressure to be in a committed relationship drives millions of people every year to spend tons of time and money trying to find someone they can spend the rest of their lives with.

More and more, though, people are learning that being in a relationship may not be everything they assumed it was and choose to remain single.

There is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Having a long-term romantic relationship is a choice; for some people, it simply isn't appealing. While it is crucial to investigate your motivations for not being in a relationship, if you believe it's coming from a healthy place, there are good reasons why people desire to stay single.

Make sure you're coming from a healthy place

Being disinterested in a relationship is not inherently unhealthy, but as with any other human behavior, understanding why you don't want to be in a relationship matters. You do not have to justify or prove to anyone why your desire to be single is ok. But make sure that as you move forward solo, it isn't because of a few negative experiences. You don't want to let old relationships make your choices for you.

The goal here is not to stigmatize a desire to be single.; it is to be sure that being single is sustainable and enjoyable for you. These motivations may feel rewarding in the short term. However, you are more likely to experience pain and isolation if you act on these goals without realizing that's what you're doing. If you truly want to be single, it is worthwhile to go at it sustainably.

You're waiting until you are ready

Engaging with other human beings is challenging and can be scary. There are countless coaches, gurus, counselors, and others whose whole business model is helping people navigate the awkwardness and fear that go along with getting to know other people.

If you want to be single because being in a relationship doesn't match your plans or you have some personal work you want to do, that makes sense. If you are motivated by a fear of developing connections, it is worth discussing that fear before launching your new lifestyle. While that fear can be part of the reason, staying single because you hope it will get easier someday is likely delaying the hard work.

Laziness

There is a certain amount of work that goes into caring for ourselves. This work is crucial to being presentable and relatable to other people. If you've ever had a coworker or friend who didn't seem to care about having hobbies or even personal hygiene, you know how challenging it can be to engage with someone who doesn't seem to care.

Self-care and even developing a personality indeed take work. The work needed to be as interesting as society wants can quickly become overwhelming. While you should not feel any pressure to be perfect, a baseline level of maintenance is required for all of us. Opting out of romantic life to avoid that work may not be worth it in the long run.

Personal trauma

Plenty of painful experiences can drive you away from other people. Overcoming that pain to be able to connect with someone again can take a heroic effort, and it is perfectly understandable to hesitate or postpone romantic pursuits while you give yourself space and time to heal.

No one should pressure you to fast-track your return to normalcy after a traumatic or painful experience. You should process at your speed. Just be careful that your decision to be single is not entirely based on avoiding dealing with that pain.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Why would someone want to be single?

To many people, it can seem odd to say that you don't want to be in a relationship. Sure, we all have periods where we are single, but to actively avoid or stave off finding a partner? Why would you do that?

There are plenty of reasons people can decide to be single. These reasons can be short-term or permanent, but the end effect is the same. It's important to understand that people can make this decision with a clear head. Just because they may seem to have different priorities does not mean they aren't doing what's right for them.

Whether you want to be single or know someone who does, understand that any of these reasons can change or dissipate. When we choose to be single, it can feel difficult to change our minds later. Deciding to be single is just fine. Deciding that you want to start looking for relationships again is just fine, too.

Busy

Maybe you have a demanding job or a set of tasks, hobbies, and responsibilities that keep you from feeling like you have the time to be romantic. The idea of work-life balance has led some people to believe that you aren't living a healthy life if you aren't finding time for things like love. In truth, some people want to focus on their careers.

Free lifestyle

As society has developed more and more technology to enable people to work remotely, living in a way where you aren't tied down to any particular place has become increasingly viable. If you don't want to form a relationship that might limit that freedom, there is no reason to pursue one.

Stress

Acknowledging that there is an emotional toll to what you are doing right now that precludes your ability or interest in taking on a romantic relationship is a healthy and responsible thing to do. Sure, love is great, but it can also be demanding and stressful. Being present and patient for that isn't always possible. Plus, some people like living intense lives, and settling down can put an end to that.

Timing

Some people don't believe that saying "I'm not ready" is legitimate, but it's a perfectly fine reason to think you want to be single. If you have a plan for your life and know when/if a relationship is part of that plan, stick to your guns and follow through.

Just not interested right now

This is slightly different from timing, but it's an important distinction. People waiting for the right time to have a relationship still want one but understand that it will have to wait. People who are not interested, either temporarily or permanently, have decided that pursuing a relationship isn't of interest.

This can be one of the hardest to justify because so many people feel so driven to partner up that they cannot understand what it feels like not to have that drive. Nevertheless, there is growing awareness that sometimes, people lose interest in romance.

Want to date for the right reasons

With all the social pressure to date, it can feel like you are supposed to be in a relationship, whether you want to or not. On top of that, many dysfunctional reasons drive people to form relationships. Sometimes it is better to focus on getting what you want. Taking a step back from relationships because you want to be clear about why you're doing what you’re doing makes perfect sense.

Mental health

Forming deep and trusting relationships can be complex if you have a mental health issue. Some people would rather take care of themselves and not worry about incorporating someone else's needs and schedules into their lives. They may even feel like they don't want to burden someone else with their struggles.

Mental health issues and the limitations they impose are real. Overcoming these inherent neurological differences can be very challenging, if not impossible. It's not "quitting" if you decide that the work required to be present for a relationship, given your condition, isn't worth it.

Happy by myself

Almost all of these reasons are based on the idea that the person involved quite simply doesn't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Whether you are motivated by a desire to manage your mental health or because you are managing a demanding career, the main point is you are fine and even happy with the way things are.

Changing social norms

Advice columns are full of people asking how to navigate open relationships. The idea that monogamy is the only way to have a fulfilling romantic life is facing some challenges. In that environment, some people are motivated by the idea that it doesn't make sense to take any relationship seriously as a long-term prospect.

You are free to do what you want, including being single

The desire to be single can be tricky to navigate, personally and with others. Understanding how to resist these pressures and knowing that you are making decisions from a healthy place is easier with professional support. If you’re looking for support but don’t want to or can’t attend in-person sessions, consider online therapy.

With online therapy, you can attend sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection, whether that’s at home or in the office. When you sign up, you’re matched with someone who can help you right away, so you don’t have to worry about being on a waiting list. Studies show that online treatment is effective, too, with one review of 14 studies finding that online treatment is just as effective as in-person therapy. Ready to take the next step? Connect with a professional at Regain.

Takeaway

As you can see, people decide not to worry about romantic relationships for many reasons. This list is not exhaustive, and it does not need to be. If you know someone that says they want to be single, understand that they do not need to be saved or convinced. If you want to be single, you should follow that urge and talk to an online therapist if you need support.