Is He Coming On Too Strong? Five Red Flags Not To Ignore

Updated October 31, 2024by Regain Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact theDomestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

The initial pursuit of a relationship is often the most exciting part. Flirting, dancing around the issue, and eventually deciding to date is an exciting part of any new relationship. Many people find it intoxicating. There is a difference, though, between a healthy pursuit of a relationship, and coming on far too strong. It may be wise to consider potential red flags. 

What does “too strong” look like?

Coming on too strong could mean pursuing someone too aggressively. There is some room for error, here, and it can vary depending on the individual. For example, some people want to be pursued somewhat aggressively. They may prefer to sit back and wait for someone to come to them. Others may want to engage in mutual pairing. This is where both parties simultaneously demonstrate interest in one another and move forward on equal footing.

Is he coming on too strong?

Regardless of individual preferences, coming on too strong often looks like overwhelming someone with calls, texts, or in-person visits. It could present as someone trying to forge a romantic commitment after only a few days of knowing someone, for example. Maybe you just had one date with a guy, and now he’s suddenly calling you ten times a week, making you feel nervous or pressured. Coming on too strong might initially feel flattering, but it can also be a means of creating discomfort, fear, and uncertainty within a relationship. 

Why is it dangerous?

Are you uncomfortable in your relationship?

In some cases, coming on a little strong could be essentially harmless. It may simply mean the guy is excited about your relationship and wants to see it flourish. In other cases, though, coming on strong could be an indication of jealousy, deceit, or control issues, all of which have the potential to harm you and your partner. If, at any point, you feel unsafe in your relationship, be sure to reach out to someone who can help like a trusted friend or mental health professional. When he is coming on strong and you signal you are not ready, watch for his reaction. If he doesn’t back down, this could be dangerous. 

Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between someone being flirty or demonstrating potentially problematic behavior. Either way, it takes time to get to know someone. If you prefer to take it slow and get to know each other better with less pressure, that’s understandable. You should always feel comfortable saying, “Let’s slow this down and get to know each other better before we move forward".

Five red flags you should never ignore

Don't ignore these common red flags:

1) Demonstrating controlling behavior

Controlling behavior is a serious red flag. It should make you jump ship immediately because in the long term, it could turn into abuse. Controlling behavior can be difficult to detect and is often seemingly harmless at first. A partner might begin attempts at control with simple demands made upon you and your time. For example, he might insist that you speak to him even when you’ve told him that you don’t have time or that you are otherwise engaged. He might also demand that you do things according to his timetable such as seeing a movie at the time most convenient for him, rather than taking your needs into account.

If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat.

Although these little things might not seem to be a big deal when you’ve just started dating, they could be red flags that signal a bigger problem in the future. Often, people who struggle with control issues exhibit smaller, more palatable types of control initially and continually build up to reach more intense levels of control and manipulation. At the outset, little tests may help him determine how much control you are willing to relinquish over your life and decisions.

2) Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can also seem innocuous at first. Essentially, it’s another red flag that can be easy to miss. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing yourself when the two of you have disagreements. You may wonder if you misheard him, and he might regularly insist on his version of events. He might even suggest that you are crazy, unstable, or overly dramatic for reacting the way that you react. He could make it seems as though most of the problems you encounter in your relationship are due to how immature, naïve, or inexperienced you are. In severe cases, he may even portray himself as some savior figure who deigns to deal with your silly, uncouth behavior.

Again, this type of manipulation often starts small and then begins to build. The escalation may be slow enough that it can be hard to detect until it’s become unbearable. At this stage, you might find yourself wondering if you are crazy, unlovable, or unlovable, or too dramatic ever to be taken seriously. The danger of gaslighting is that, over time, it breaks down your ability to trust yourself. It can even make you feel as though you have lost your mind.

3) Using guilt

Using guilt to manipulate someone is never healthy, appropriate, or safe. Using guilt is a dangerous tactic, as it pins all of the weight and responsibility on the person being controlled while relieving the controller of any accountability. Common phrases used to guilt someone into behaving a certain way include, “If you loved me, you would…” and “I just love you so much…” A guy who’s already using guilt as a control tactic early on should make you pause to consider what he is really looking for in this relationship and what he is expecting from you.

Using guilt at the very beginning of a relationship might look like him telling you that you have a special connection, and it’s meant to be, although he hardly knows you. He might look for signs, like having a compatible zodiac sign, or other extraneous connections. Maybe the types of men you’re usually attracted to are commitment-phobes, so you feel a certain pressure to go for the kind of men who are looking for a higher level of commitment. But if you just met a guy, and he already says it’s time to take things to the next level, be on guard. If you feel uncomfortable in any way, then it may be wise to listen to your gut. 

Guilt can be an effective control tactic. It can make you feel as though you do not have a say in your own life. It might even cause you to feel like an ungrateful, horrible human being, even if this is light-years from the truth. Any form of manipulation is dangerous and staying in a relationship with someone who wields guilt as a weapon can be harmful to your emotional and mental wellbeing.

4) Using double standards

Double standards are another red flag to watch out for. For example, you might notice that he doesn’t seem to like that you hang out with your friends periodically, but is always allowed to hang out with his friends. You might notice that he places a lot of emphasis on knowing where you are at all times and making sure that you are checking in but fails to ever let you know where he is, what he is doing, or who he is doing it with. Like other red flags, double standards can also start small and grow. 

Initially, double standards might seem minuscule. For example, he wants you to text him back quickly, but he can take a day or two to respond. He might grow frustrated with your propensity for emotional outbursts, but then lash out in anger at the drop of a hat. Any rule, unspoken or spoken, that favors him over you and demonizes your behavior is not reasonable or appropriate.

5) Displaying secretive behavior

Being in a relationship does not mean that you are privy to every single moment of someone else’s life. You and your partner should both have friends, interests, and activities outside of one another to maintain a well-balanced and robust life. But if you find that your partner seems jumpy and uncomfortable if you ask questions about what he did, glance at his phone, or request to use his computer for any length of time, that could signal a problem.

Many people feel uncomfortable and violated if someone looks at their computer or phone. Some people use these devices as journals, of sorts. Some sense of violation may be normal. When it is not a mild discomfort, though, but extreme jumpiness, defensive behavior, or all-out panic that your partner exhibits when you go near his things, it could indicate that he is hiding something.

Is he coming on too strong? Paying attention to red flags

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Are you uncomfortable in your relationship?

The beginning of a relationship can be exciting. Sometimes, people experiencing infatuation may fail to acknowledge problems that arise soon after beginning to date because doing so would mean the loss of the relationship. As tempting as it may be to ignore early relationship red flags and hope for the best, this may not be the wisest course of action. 

Acknowledging red flags can be less damaging than you might think. It could start with a simple conversation with your partner, describing your concerns, and clarifying any issues you might have.

From there, if your partner refuses to acknowledge any inappropriate behavior, or insists that you are to blame for whatever unhealthy behaviors he is exhibiting, it could be time to take a step back from the relationship. You might decide to center yourself by spending time with people you know, love, and trust, who will give you unwavering support, and constructive criticism without the cruelty or manipulation involved in many abusive or otherwise controlling relationships.

Seeking help

If you have found that your partner is exhibiting some of the tell-tale signs above,  you may feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or fearful at the prospect of broaching the issue. In these cases, consider taking someone with you to act as a mediator. Sometimes, a simple conversation is all it takes to bring awareness to your partner and his behavior. Other times, it may be necessary to involve outside parties, including loved ones, therapists, or other mental health professionals.

Seeking help from an outsider can be intimidating, especially in an in-person setting. This is one of the barriers many people experience when considering counseling or other interventions. Online therapy may provide a less threatening solution. Many people find it easier to talk about sensitive issues in a web-based environment than in a clinical setting. This form of remote counseling is also more convenient since it can be accessed from your home. 

Online therapy has also been proven effective. One meta-analysis of studies found no significant differences in terms of outcomes between people undergoing internet-based therapy versus in-person therapy. 

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

The therapists from Regain are equipped to address a variety of relationship issues, including instances of manipulation, abuse, and control. Reaching out for help does not mean that you’ve failed, that you’re weak, or that you’re unlovable. Instead, it means that you’re smart enough to recognize your situation has gotten out of control. It also means you’re brave enough to ask for help.

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