Loving Someone You Can't Have: How To Let Go

We don't get to choose who or what we are attracted to. Whether from how we were raised, what we've learned, experiences in past relationships, or plain genetics, the feeling of excitement we get from things and people is largely out of our control. Much of the time, this can be a rewarding experience. However, there are times where what we want is something we cannot have. Sometimes it's because of money, location, or not being in the right place at the right time. We might be drawn to someone we cannot have without understanding why, and even falling in love with them doesn’t change this fact. In some cases, you must let go of someone that you love in order to do what’s healthiest for yourself and the other person. Letting go can be challenging and look different for everyone; this article will explore how you can begin the process. 

The purpose of love

Human beings are drawn to finding attachment. We have biological impulses that encourage and reward us for developing loving relationships. Companionship, sex, affection, and starting a family can all be strong motivators for finding someone to love and build a life with. If you have these feelings for other people and they have them for you, it can be fulfilling. However, if you are experiencing these deep emotions without any reciprocation, it can be painful. You may feel helpless and decide not to act on your feelings. This heartbreak may not disappear until you make changes in your life that allow you to process and heal from the situation. 

How to let go of someone

If you’re in love with someone you know you can’t be with, it may be time to let them go. Here are some steps you can take to begin to distance yourself from that individual and move forward with your life in a healthy manner:

Talk to your friends

If you have feelings for someone, you've probably done one thing or another that has signaled your attraction. Consider confiding in your friends and letting them know that you are concerned about where those feelings are headed. You might even take their advice about how to get past this individual.

Set healthy boundaries with the object of your affection

Putting up barriers to being around or with this person may be extra challenging if you have mutual friends but can still be vital. Your feelings for the other person may have developed because you were spending a lot of time together. Setting some limits on how often or how long you are around each other may help you occupy your time and thoughts with something or someone else. 

Accept your feelings

Love can be just as exciting as it can be heartbreaking. It is okay to admit when you are struggling with letting go of someone that you love. Instead of denying your feelings, acknowledging that you are in pain can help your emotional and mental health in the long run. 

Reach out to friends and family

They can act as objective individuals in your quest to relinquish your grip on this person. They might be able to offer you guidance or tell you how they handled a similar situation in the past. 

Start limiting your contact with the other person

Even if this individual is a wonderful human being, it may be too difficult to detach from them if you’re in contact with them. Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go. Whether you see them less, stop seeing them alone, or cut your time together shorter, try to do whatever it takes to minimize continued infatuation.

Consider telling the other person how you feel

In the end, your relationship with this other person likely needs to change for your well-being. This may be achievable through your actions. However, the other person may notice the change and try to reconnect. In some situations, it can be beneficial to explain why you’re doing what you’re doing so that the other person isn’t left wondering what happened.

How does an unachievable attachment develop?

Almost everyone has, at some point in their life, been drawn to someone they couldn't be with. Whether it was a high school crush or a married coworker, it can happen anywhere at any time. Even though these feelings can crop up without warning, certain circumstances can make you more likely to experience unachievable love. These include: 

A recent breakup

Breakups can be devastating regardless of how long you were with someone. When you go from having your romance reward circuits sparked almost daily to having only yourself for company, it's reasonable to want to find anything and anyone to feel better. People who are recently separated are more likely to develop nonreciprocal feelings of attachment in general, even when they’re impossible to act on.

A history of codependency

Being codependent often means needing other people to validate your existence and value. Without other people reminding you that you matter, you may spiral into negative thoughts about yourself. When it seems like your only choices are finding anyone you can to love you or being painfully alone, you may be more likely to choose and pursue someone you can't be with.

Mental health concerns

Those struggling with issues like depression may feel that they are in a dark place and that they feel helpless to change. Whether passing or permanent, anyone who comes along and alleviates the depression can be a source of relief, even for a little while. Just as depression increases your likelihood of addictive behaviors, depression can make you more susceptible to seeking love you can't have.

Strong non-romantic relationships

You have a handsome coworker with whom you click. You have a close female friend who gets all your jokes and loves the same hobbies. Romance can crop up when you least expect it. Once it does, it can be hard to shut down. In some cases, these connections may occur in places like work, where you’re not allowed to maintain romantic relationships with coworkers or customers.

What can make love unattainable?

Different factors and situations can make love unattainable for various people. Here are several simple barriers that can stand in the way of you and another person that are developing a relationship.

You have feelings for an ex

It's not unusual, after a relationship ends, for one of the people to still have feelings of affection. If a breakup leaves you pining for some type of connection, you may naturally gravitate toward someone you've already had a strong connection with. However, chances are things ended for a reason, and if they've moved on and you haven't, you might love someone you can't have. 

They don't feel the same way

When romantic feelings develop on just one side of a non-romantic relationship (e.g., good friends), you can be stuck trying to create a sense of chemistry or spark with someone who isn't interested. You want the other person’s affection, but they cannot give back the same feelings for you.

Your lives are too different

You might meet someone at a party who seems like the perfect partner for you, then find out they live on the other side of the country. As quickly as you get excited about someone, they're gone. However, this doesn’t mean that you're feeling left at the same time.

The relationship would violate social norms

Even if you are head-over-heels in love with someone already in a relationship or married, you can't do anything about it. They've chosen to be with someone else, and this can be defeating. Although you may think they should be with you instead, that isn’t your call to make.

Online counseling with Regain

If you’re in love with someone you can’t have, this may begin to take a toll on your mental health. Speaking with a certified counselor could be beneficial to take back control over your emotions. Regain is an online therapy platform that you can access from anywhere you have Wi-Fi and a smart device. You can get connected with a counselor who specializes in a specific area and talk through the concerns you’re facing. Instead of having to leave the house, which may be difficult if you’re feeling particularly down, you can get the care you need right from your home. 

The efficacy of online counseling 

Being in love with someone you can’t be with and not being able to rid yourself of those feelings can lead to conditions like anxiety and depression. Online therapy has been shown to be successful in improving these mental health concerns. One study found that participants experienced a significant reduction in symptoms of depression after the use of a multimodal digital psychotherapy intervention. This was true regardless of their “gender, self-reported financial status, and self-reported physical health status.”

Counselor reviews

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Takeaway

Letting go of someone you love can be difficult. It can be especially challenging to stop feeling how you do for them, particularly if you are deeply in love. However, with the right tools and support, you can begin to move on with your life and pursue relationships that are healthy and reciprocal. Working with a relationship therapist may help you discover the roadblocks in your path and allow you to forge a newer, healthier way forward.