I'm Intimidated By My Girlfriend's Sexual History. What Do I Do?

If your partner is more sexually experienced than you, you might find yourself feeling intimidated, jealous, or insecure. While knowing your partners sexual history can stir up a lot of feelings, it can be important to be aware of each other’s past, and there are many things you can do to help you process those complicated feelings.

Dating someone with more extensive sexual history

According to some studies, people of all genders tend to desire a long-term partner who has some sexual history but not “too much” (according to their subjective opinion). 

Examining the data surrounding what is typical may offer some insight into what people consider an “acceptable” number of previous partners. The median number of sexual partners across the lifespan is four for women and six for men. However, sleeping with more people isn't uncommon, with nearly 25% of women and 40% of men in the United States reported that they’ve had intercourse with more than 10 partners.

• Jealousy

Jealousy is a complex emotion associated with anger, sadness, and fear. Jealousy arises when a person perceives a threat to something important to them. It can be directed at almost anything, whether that thing is real or perceived. Jealousy serves an important function in self-protection and, in some cases, protecting a relationship.

Even though your partner’s history may be in the past, you might still find yourself feeling threatened by it. This type of jealousy is often referred to as retroactive jealousy. 

Retroactive jealousy may be particularly common due to stigma, as Western societies tends to view a low number of sexual partners as a positive, and many partners as a negative. In other words, you may feel jealous because of societal expectations, not because you think your partner will judge your sexual performance or leave you.  

• Insecurity

Insecurity is the absence of self-confidence, inability to cope, and uncertainty about self-worth. An insecure person may rely on outside validation to feel good about themselves and they are much more likely to rely on their partner for validation and support. While romantic partners should support each other, an insecure person may require validation beyond what is typical in a healthy relationship.

If you're unsure about your confidence or know you have low self-worth, feelings of insecurity may come up if your partner has more extensive sexual experience than you. If you don't feel secure in yourself, it may be difficult to believe you can find another girlfriend if you lose your current partner. Furthermore, low self-esteem can lead to rumination about many things, including your partner’s sexual history.  

What can you do to navigate negative feelings about your partner’s past? 

To begin managing your feelings, it may be helpful to remind yourself that your partner chose to be with you. You are the one they’re in a relationship with, not any of their past partners. If you trust your girlfriend to remain faithful in the relationship or follow whatever ground rules the two of you have decided on, it's probably important to learn how to trust her. 

When you are ready to start addressing any negative feelings surrounding your partner’s past, you can try these things:

• Communicate your insecurities

Communicating your feelings to your partner can help relieve some of your worry surrounding her sexual history. It's essential to communicate with your girlfriend without accusing or shaming them. Remember, you trust her to be faithful; the discussion usually isn't about her behavior. It's about your feelings. It may be helpful to focus on telling your girlfriend how you want affection and loyalty communicated in your relationship.

Opinions on when, how, and how much detail should be shared about past sexual experiences vary considerably, but it may be a good idea to center your conversation on feelings instead of details you might ruminate on. 

• Journal 

Negative feelings can sometimes feel overwhelming and be difficult to process. If you're feeling uncomfortable about your partner’s past, you might gain more clarity by journaling about your feelings. You might also want to spend some time journaling about the positive things in your relationship and things you love most about your partner.

How online therapy help

If you’re finding it challenging to manage your feelings surrounding your partner’s sexual history, or if you’d like to improve an already-satisfying relationship, you may want to try online couple’s therapy. Online therapy platforms, such as Regain, offer licensed couple’s therapy that’s often more convenient and cost-effective than its in-person counterpart. 

Therapists who practice online use the same methods as in-person therapists. And research shows that both in-person and online couple’s therapy are equally effective for couples looking to improve their relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and mental health.