My Husband Hates Me! What Should I Do?

Updated November 5, 2024by Regain Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention trauma-related topics that include abuse which could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, contact theDomestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7. Please also see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

It’s perhaps realistic to say that marriage isn’t always smooth sailing. You may have certain times that will feel very challenging, but if your husband has been acting like he doesn’t love you any longer or even hates you, it could be a sign of something more severe than a few “bumps in the road.” At this point, you may be wondering, “Why does my husband hate me?”, and if there’s a way you can change the situation.   

This post will discuss how to know with certainty that your husband hates you, the potential reasons he may be exhibiting this behavior towards you, and how you can resolve the situation—whether it’s possible to repair your relationship or not.

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Feeling like your husband hates you can be disturbing

What to do if your husband hates you

Every couple is different in how they express affection, displeasure, etc. While there are some guidelines for what to do if you think your husband hates you, ultimately, the direction lies with you and your unique situation. That’s why many couples feel it necessary to speak with a professional relationship counselor for guidance on resolving their conflicts, managing difficulties, and, if necessary, moving on from the marriage. 

Before you take definitive action, consider the following steps:

1. Examine why you think he hates you

If you think that your husband hates you, there is likely a reason why you feel this way. Is he treating you differently than usual? Does he become angry or hostile toward you for seemingly no reason? There is usually a reason behind behavioral changes, and it might not even be something you’re doing (or at least not doing consciously).  Reflect on your feelings and why the things he says or does give you the impression that he hates you. This isn’t to say you’ve done anything to warrant such treatment, but upon closer inspection, you may find it’s a situation that you need to address first within yourself. 

If you have difficulty processing your emotions and thinking clearly, writing in a journal is an excellent way to bring clarity. Use this medium to contemplate how you have been interacting lately. If you’ve been arguing, record the circumstances around that. Perhaps you’ll discover that you’re both unwilling to communicate or compromise. 

2. Ask yourself a few key questions

  • How Long has your husband’s behavior been like this?

If you’ve established that your husband’s behavior has changed, reflect on how long this has been going on. When you can point to a specific time when your husband started to act differently, it may become easier to understand what’s happening. Did your husband start acting this way after receiving a complaint at work? Did he start treating you poorly after getting fired from his job?

Determining when this behavior started allows you to give things some context. You can begin to see what is happening in your husband’s life. If this has been going on for a long time, it may cause more worry than one or two weeks of neglectful or hostile behavior. 

  • Do you feel safe?

If you don’t feel safe in your relationship, you may feel trapped or as if you don’t have the strength or resources to leave. Many people experiencing abuse still love their partner or think they need them, making it difficult to go and get help. 

If you feel threatened in any way or if you have been harmed, it’s essential to immediately contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so, ask someone you trust to get in touch on your behalf. It is never okay for someone to abuse their partner for any reason. If you’re physically or emotionally abused, then help is available.

  • Could your husband simply be experiencing difficulty in other areas of his life?

If your husband is acting strangely and seems to vent his frustrations on you about minor things, he might be going through a difficult time. Sometimes people take out their stress on the ones that they love the most. This isn’t fair, and your husband shouldn’t treat you this way. Regardless, it’s conceivable that your husband might be struggling with stress or anxiety.

People who experience stress and don’t have the resources or ability to cope can develop an anxiety or depressive disorder if it goes unaddressed. This can lead to feelings of paranoia and extreme nervousness, but it can also manifest itself in angry outbursts. If your husband is having mental health challenges, speaking to him about it is the first step, then try to get him the help he needs. 

It’s also possible that your husband doesn’t hate you all. He might be angry at you or angry at something else.  People often have unique ways of behaving when they’re upset or hurt. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband hates you. He might still love you very much but is having difficulty expressing it.

  • Do you have challenges with intimacy or expressing affection?

Have you and your husband been physically intimate lately? This doesn’t have to mean sex-- an unexpected hug or holding hands can show how much you care. Do you express affection for each other regularly? Do you communicate appreciation or gratitude for each other? If you two have become disconnected in any of these ways, it can clearly impact how you treat each other.

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2. Address the issue directly and honestly

Be honest with your husband about your feelings. If you feel your husband hates you, it’s vital to address that upfront and communicate your point of view. A communication breakdown can easily lead to marital struggles, and research indicates that a lack of communication is a common contributor to matrimonial difficulties.

A face-to-face conversation is preferable; you can listen actively and gauge if he’s extending you the same courtesy. If this isn’t possible or you don’t feel comfortable doing so, writing a letter may be a viable alternative. It may not allow for reciprocal conversation, but at least you can let him know how you feel. It may also make in-person communication easier.

3. Try to reconnect

Putting forth an effort to reconnect with your husband is an excellent way of showing him that you’re trying to understand his point of view and that you’re willing to see his side of the story. Reconnecting may require beginning again, in a sense, to remember why you fell in love in the first place. If he’s ready to try, have a regular date night or set aside to do something you love together. Finding ways to enjoy each other’s company might show you both that it is possible to rekindle your connection. 

Making an effort to cultivate physical intimacy is another way you may reestablish the bond between you. You may feel hurt emotionally, which may diminish your desire for sex, but sex isn’t the only way to cultivate intimacy. Snuggle on the sofa as you watch a movie, give a heartfelt hug for no reason, or occasionally steal a peck on the cheek as you go about your daily activities. All of these can go a long way toward repairing your relationship.

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Feeling like your husband hates you can be disturbing

Find relationship support in online therapy

Most successful marriages are built on a solid foundation of friendship and respect. If you feel like your husband hates you, it can damage that foundation, leaving you wondering if it can be repaired at all. But feeling this way doesn’t have to signal the end of your marriage definitively. There are many reasons why you may think he hates you when in reality, he does love you, and there are other reasons for his behavior.   

Talking to a marriage counselor is an excellent way to get to the root of his behavior and understand what, if anything, you can do to rekindle your bond. Also, marriage counselors often speak with each partner individually during treatment. If your husband has anger or mental health issues or challenges with stress management, a counselor can help determine if those factor into his behavior. Similarly, a counselor may be able to address your individual problems that contribute to how you interpret and perceive his behaviors towards you.  

Online platforms like Regain match couples with relationship professionals experienced in helping couples address issues like these and more. You and your husband can speak with a couple’s therapist through Regain from the comfort of home according to your schedule via online messaging, video chat, phone, and text. Online counseling is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance. A growing body of research suggests it’s just as effective for helping couples develop more robust communication and resolve marital difficulties more effectively. 

Takeaway

If you think your husband hates you, it can have a severe impact not only on your relationship but your mental well-being. Reaching out to a Regain professional is the first step to healing.

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