Romance And Enneagram Types: Relationship Goals For Each Enneagram Number

Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW

Updated January 30th, 2025 by Regain Editorial Team

The Enneagram is a personality test that identifies and describes an individual's motives and corresponding behaviors. Like most other personality exams, the Enneagram is designed to foster and promote personal growth and improvement. It seeks to help people learn more about themselves— their needs, desires, hopes, and flaws, to improve themselves and create the life they hope for. The Enneagram can also be useful for romance and romantic relationships, as it may help you understand yourself and your emotions more deeply. This could include your wants, needs, weaknesses, and strengths. Having this insight can guide you toward the type of relationship you desire and allow you to set goals to help it thrive. If you know your Enneagram number and want to improve your relationship, consider aiming for the following corresponding goals.

Want to learn more about your personality?

Chat about it with an online therapist

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a personality test, though it differs from those you might find on sites that claim to pin down what type of handbag best describes you or what animal's essence is closest to your own. Rather than comparing you to something else or claiming that you fit into a small box, the Enneagram seeks to expand your view of yourself and demonstrate not only the aspects of yourself that you can be proud of but also those that you might not consider worthy of love, respect, or attention.

Origin of Enneagram types

The exact origin of the Enneagram is unknown, but researchers have discovered some of its roots. Some sources link it to early pagans, while others claim it is rooted in the Judeo-Christian tradition. It has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity within the past 30-40 years as a personality test embraced and endorsed by many Christian traditions, which may cite it as an effective means of identifying and working within your personality type to enhance and improve your religious pursuits.

Relationship goals for each Enneagram number

Below is an overview of each enneagram type, their characteristics, and how they behave in terms of relationships.

Romance for ones

Enneagram ones are concerned with what is good and right and often have a fear of being seen or perceived as wicked or in some way corrupt. Ones tend to be often rooted in deep-seated ideas and emotions regarding relationships, what they feel in relationship roles, and a sense of how relationships should play out. Although ones are often service-oriented, they also tend to be frequently perfectionistic and can have high ideals and standards.

Ones are called "the Reformers" because they are known for their sense of dedication to overcoming obstacles and their ability to improve anything that they feel gets in their way. In romantic relationships, ones tend to be pragmatic and simple: passionate may feel more desirable and compelling than cute. Although cuteness can be important and have its own time and place, a passionate relationship is more likely to involve an Enneagram one and their partner rather than a cute relationship. Ones fight for what they believe in, meaning that if they are passionate about something, they’ll put their all and their energy into it. This often includes their romantic relationships.

Romance for twos

Enneagram twos, also called "the Helper," are often described by comparing them to the biblical figure of Martha; Martha, according to the lore, perpetually put herself in a place of service and humility and offered her home and her resources to those in need.

Similarly, in relationships, twos often seem as though they give far more than they get. This type frequently shows trust in a person when they shouldn't and demonstrates what it means to have a servant's heart. In romance, twos will likely give a lot in the relationship and may even give more than they have. Twos may be among those more likely to have a sense of empathy, and consequently, because of their empathy, they may be prone to entering unhealthy relationships. Between passionate and cute, twos will likely choose "cute," as they are concerned more with kindness, consideration, and feeling needed, rather than their energy being focused on outward appearances and intensity.

Romance for threes

Enneagram threes are usually concerned with the sense of ambition and appearance. Threes are likely to be individuals who place emphasis on achievement and success and are less likely to give their energy to prioritize relationships than many of the other types. An Enneagram three is nicknamed "the Achiever," as much of their energy and focus is dedicated to a sense of achievement and prestige.

Therefore, a three in a romantic relationship is likely to value passion in life. Threes are typically concerned and focused with image and feeling valuable and may display an elitist edge. In romance, threes may not be as concerned with companionship as they are concerned with appearances and compatibility. Since threes are often quite confident and driven, they are also likely to value a similar partner devoted to accomplishment, and success, and capable of supporting ambition.

Romance for fours

The four on the Enneagram tend to be called "the Individualist" or "the Romantic." Fours gained this nickname primarily for their confidence and for their desire and ability to stand out and be set apart as unique individuals. The greatest fear of an Enneagram four is being without worth or being one of the masses, which can push fours to go out of their way and give all their energy to step outside of the norm.

In relationships, fours value passion, love, and romance. They are normally very in touch with their emotions and allow others to bring their worries and woes to them. They want a romantic relationship that validates them for who they are while letting them know that they do not have to continually strive to look or feel different from other people to have value as a person. Between passionate and cute, an Enneagram four is likely to seek out passion.

Romance for fives

Enneagram fives value knowledge above everything else and are usually referred to as "Investigators." Fives are so named for their ability to hone in on research and the ability to develop areas of expertise through self-teaching. Fives may not value relationships as high priorities and are more likely to seek a cute relationship rather than a passionate one. A cute relationship is far more likely to offer simple and pragmatic ways to connect with others.

Fives are often high-strung, intense, and alert, and usually function best when in relationships with people who have the ability to offer a grounding, calming, and confident presence. Fives' greatest fear is being helpless or incapable, and they typically try hard to inoculate themselves against these feelings by having plenty of trivia and knowledge up their sleeve at any given moment.

Romance for sixes

The Enneagram six is usually referred to as "the Loyalist." This Enneagram number is named for its tendency to be focused on relationships. Sixes greatly value commitment and are more likely to want a passionate relationship filled with commitment and focused on longevity. Sixes fear being without a sense of loyalty and are heavily driven by relationships and relational living.

Sixes often slip into negativity and pessimism, especially with new things but can be uplifted by being focused on the onset of a new relationship. Sixes rely heavily upon their romantic pursuits and are often the grounding individuals within a relationship. For that reason, they are often well suited for people who are prone to dreaming and imagining, as they offer a healthy shift from living in the clouds to living and breathing down on earth.

Romance for sevens

Enneagram sevens are also called "the Enthusiasts," known for their extroversion, enthusiasm, and optimism to the world. Enneagram sevens fear pain and deprivation and seek to have their needs met and fulfilled. Consequently, sevens enjoy and lead life at a fast pace and they are goal-oriented and driven and work hard to make sure they have control over what they need.

In relationships, sevens are needs-driven and are more likely to value passion than a cute or sweet relationship. Since their needs typically encompass companionship and emotional fulfillment, sevens heavily value relationships and do not shy away from forging connections and seeking romantic relationships.

Romance for eights

The Enneagram type eight is called "the Challenger," and for a good reason: eights value control and lead self-sufficiency in life and are often seen as aggressive or domineering. Eights fear being controlled or manipulated, whether in romantic relationships or any other type of relationship, and work hard to maintain a sense of autonomy and lead with independence in their life.

In romance, eights are more likely to value passion; in a cute romance, there is likely to be some semblance of interdependence, which can feel cloying and uncomfortable. In passion, though, there is a greater sense of independence and autonomy, and eights typically chase passion before they chase the cute or sweet aspects of relationships.

Romance for nines

The final Enneagram number, 9, is also called "the Peacemaker." So-named for their desire to keep peace and avoid conflict, nines desire stability in their life above everything else and deeply fear separation, conflict, and loss. This can be problematic, as is the case with nines who resort to lying and hiding to keep the peace. It can also be wonderful that comes with many possibilities, as is the case with nines who cultivate high moral standards and value authenticity.

In relationships, nines are more likely to seek out and lead a "cute" relationship, or one based on comfort, rather than a passionate relationship. This may largely be because comfort offers stability, loyalty, and consistency, while passion runs the risk of eventually fading away and needing to be replaced. Nines, then, will often be more prone to seeking out relationships that seem to be a sure thing rather than taking romantic risks.

Want to learn more about your personality?

Chat about it with an online therapist

Exploring the links between relationships and personality with online therapy

Although the Enneagram can be an effective tool for learning more about yourself and your emotions and creating a healthier relationship, it is not a replacement for therapy or other professional intervention. If you are unsure of what you feel, how to interact with others, struggle to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, or are not typically able to ask for what you want and express yourself and your emotions in a relationship, a therapist may be able to help you improve your communication skills, develop healthier habits, remove your anxiety, and cultivate and improve existing relationships. You can connect with a therapist through Regain, an online counseling platform. Regain allows you to meet with a therapist from the comfort of your home and talk through phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging. You can also meet with your therapist individually or as a couple, which may make it simpler and more convenient to get the care you need.

The effectiveness of online therapy

Couples counseling is an effective tool for helping people improve their relationships. In one study, researchers found that couples therapy delivered via videoconferencing could effectively replace face-to-face interventions. Those couples participating in the online program experienced an increase in relationship satisfaction, individual mental health, and all other outcome scores. For those couples who feel the need for an alternative option for support for relationship anxiety and other mental health concerns, online counseling could be beneficial.

Takeaway

Although the Enneagram is not designed solely for predicting, furthering, or improving romantic relationships, it is designed to help people better understand themselves and what they feel, as well as possibilities in their lives that can help improve relationships. Knowing and understanding exactly what you need at the moment can help you adequately and safely ask for what you need and can help improve the bond you have with your partner. Although it is not necessary to know your Enneagram number to have a fulfilled, successful relationship, knowing your motivation and having the ability to control the source of your behaviors can not only help you get what you need from your relationships but can also help you express yourself with your partner, and figure out how the two of you can more effectively communicate and interact with one another. If you need help in any of these areas, a licensed therapist could help. By connecting with a Regain professional, you can find the support and care you need from anywhere you have an internet connection.

Frequently asked questions

Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about this topic.

What are some relationship goals?

Long-term relationship goals can be different for every couple. However, to give your relationship a chance at being healthy and happy, there are some goals for relationships that all couples can strive toward. These relationship goals could include:

Put each other first. Success in relationships is a two-way street, meaning that both partners need to commit to prioritizing and understanding each other for the relationship to thrive. Once you start being focused on your partner's present needs at the same level as your own needs and emotions, your relationship with your partner can grow deeper, and this can bring about positive feelings and emotions in your relationship.
Have equal amounts of time together and alone time. Just the same with other relationships, in the beginning, you may feel like wanting to spend a lot of time together, and this is natural for most new relationships. However, it can still be essential to be able to have your own alone time and be focused on your personal space to decompress emotions as well. Relationships mean being together but also having your own sense of self as well.
Understand each other’s love languages. Learn and be focused on how you both give and receive love and express them to each other often. If you don’t know about love languages, you can check them out here. Understanding each other’s love languages can help if you struggle and you find it challenging to tend to each other’s needs and balance your energy for the relationship.
Keep the strong sense of excitement alive by doing new things together with your partner despite the fast pace of your busy lives. In long-term relationships, it is best to try out new activities with one another and explore new possibilities for date night ideas with the person you love the most.
Support each other’s hopes, dreams, and goals. Celebrate your partner’s accomplishments in life and make them feel how proud you are of their success despite their struggle. Moreover, allow them to praise your success as well. When you start being focused on your relationship, your own achievements in life become a success for your relationship as well.
Stay connected with your partner and your partner’s emotions. Ask your partner how they feel, and if you see them struggle, you can offer support and understanding. Forming a deeper level of bond with your partner can be an important aspect of any relationship whether it’s emotional, physical, spiritual life, or all the above. To keep your relationship and love life going strong, make a consistent effort to build and maintain a deeper level of connection and understanding with your partner.
Don’t speak negatively about your partner and your relationship life to other people even if you struggle to give support and receive emotional support from your partner. It can be important to strive to lift one another up, not drag each other down. Your success should be their success, and their success is yours as well. Your struggle means their struggle, too. While venting your emotions and how you feel and struggle sometimes in understanding your partner can be normal, if you find that you have serious problems with your partner and your love life, sit down and have a conversation with them regarding your struggle and the conflict it brings your relationship and the emotional support you need rather than talking to others about the issues in your life. Sometimes, when we choose to share our emotional conflict with our partner to other people, it may create a bigger conflict instead of getting the support we need.
Check-in with each other often. Are you still on the same page with your relationship and each other's emotions? Is there any unresolved conflict that you both struggle with and need support at present? Are you still focused on the same goals and desires in life as your partner? Is there still joy in the relationship? It can be crucial to be honest and understanding with each other and reevaluate your relationship goals regularly if you desire to be together with this person in the long term. Give your relationship a chance for success and joy by setting realistic goals and having open communication channels on your emotions with your partner.

While this is by no means a list of all the possible long-term relationship goals you can strive for, it could be a starting point, especially for new relationships. Set achievable relationship goals with your partner and review them with each other every few months. By reviewing your relationship goals often, you can have a better understanding of what things are working for you as a couple and what things aren’t. Having this type of open communication in relationships can help you both know where you stand.

What are the five most important factors in a strong relationship?

There are many important relationship goals couples can strive for together, just as there are certain things that both you and your partner can bring to the relationship that may help it thrive. Consider these 5 things if you’re in a relationship and want it to thrive:

In relationships, you and your partner must have a strong sense of empathy for one another. Be present. It can be important to see the true feelings and where your partner is coming from in an argument or disagreement so that you can lead and work toward a mutually acceptable compromise and create an understanding. Remember, when you’re in a relationship, it’s not just about you and your own needs and own interests anymore; your partner’s needs also matter.
You and your partner must always communicate with each other and be aware of how each other may feel - be it with success, joy, conflict, struggle, or any emotional moment in life. Create a safe space for empathy, respect, and emotional support. Keeping open and honest lines of communication with each other regarding your own needs, emotions, and views in life, however challenging, can be essential for achieving a close, healthy, and trustworthy partnership.
Learn how to deal with conflict. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. Whether you and your partner are arguing about something simple or more serious and challenging, it can be crucial to know how to balance and resolve issues and face conflict with one another in a healthy way. Have control over your emotional behaviors and let the balance of empathy and respect lead your relationship.
As a reliable partner, you have to be willing to work for what you want at present. Relationships are challenging and can take a lot of work, and just like most relationships, they won’t always be easy to control and lead. There will be conflict and struggle, and you’ll likely have to make some tough decisions and balance everything as a couple - and this means having to kick self-centeredness out of the door and instead, instilling a strong sense of accountability for you and your partner. By not giving up, putting in a balance of effort and positive energy during challenging moments, and always seeing each other's positive qualities, you can help ensure a lasting relationship. Loyalty, respect, empathy, and effort can go a long way.
Show love to your partner and create a beautiful world together. While this may seem obvious, showing love can look different and sometimes challenging in every relationship as with different types of people. It may mean taking care of your partner when they can’t care for themselves and their own needs or putting their needs above your own needs at times. It can also mean shedding some light on your darker feelings and strong emotions to avoid conflict. It might mean a strong sense of responsibility by sacrificing some things here and there or compromising. Love is challenging and it surely takes effort and determination.

Relationships, especially meaningful and long-lasting ones, are challenging. It can take a lot of time, hard work, trust, and respect.

What are some helpful short-term goals in a relationship?

Short-term goals for a romantic relationship are those that can be achieved or resolved in a short amount of time. These could include setting a budget together for the month, deciding who will do what chores, and figuring out when date nights will occur. Short-term goals are usually fairly easy to set and achieve moving forward and don’t require the time and effort that many long-term goals do. Long-term goals are more challenging and sometimes take too much time and effort to achieve.

What are some good marriage goals?

Relationship goals can be different for every married couple, depending on their wants, needs, personalities, and more. A couple can sit down together and determine what goals they want to strive for in their future, as well as what they’re willing to do to achieve them - however challenging. Some examples are:

Scheduling more date nights with each other
Strong sense of gratitude and joy by telling each other one thing you’re grateful for each day
Talking about your day with each other before bed each night
Ensuring that you both have equal amounts of alone time and couple time; respecting each other’s personal space and sense of self-worth
Having a reliable partner and making sure that you’re carrying the burdens of the marriage equally (such as kids, chores, work, etc.); taking care of your own needs as well while trying to avoid conflict as much as you can
Taking a couple's vacation once a year
Having healthy boundaries with other family members to protect your marriage
Being able to talk about your true feelings with your spouse

These are just a few ideas that can help strengthen your marriage. You can sit down with your spouse and discuss your goals for your relationship together moving forward.

What are the three most important qualities of a healthy relationship?

Everything covered above can be important to achieve success in a romantic relationship. However, the three most important aspects that both partners may want to strive to contribute to the romantic relationship are a balance of the following: the ability to trust, a strong sense of commitment and loyalty, and vulnerability. The ability to trust is often the foundation of a relationship. If you cannot lead with it, the other aspects can be challenging to achieve and maintain. Communication and emotional expression can build trust, commitment, and vulnerability. Being open and honest with your partner can strengthen the bond between you and help the romantic relationship grow.

There is no room for self-centeredness in relationships. You have to be focused on understanding each other, however challenging it may be. You should create a balance when struggle, pain, and conflict are present. A healthy relationship means that you and your partner have full support and respect for each other wherever you stand in this world. You are always ready to learn new things and explore possibilities together with confidence.

Why is it important to know your Enneagram type?

Knowing your Enneagram type can help you better understand aspects of the particular type of your personality that you are initially not aware of. Despite the enneagram type being considered pseudoscience by professionals, the Enneagram can still be a useful tool for understanding and making sense of one’s emotions and oneself, especially in the realm of relationships. Knowing your enneagram type can help you understand why you behave in various scenarios, which can be helpful when dealing with other people and navigating challenging relationships in life.