Romance And Enneagram Types: Relationship Goals For Each Enneagram Number

The Enneagram is a personality test that identifies and describes an individual's motives and corresponding behaviors. Like most other personality exams, the Enneagram is designed to foster and promote personal growth and improvement. It seeks to help people learn more about themselves— their needs, desires, hopes, and flaws, to improve themselves and create the life they hope for. The Enneagram can also be useful for romance and romantic relationships, as it may help you understand yourself more deeply. This could include your wants, needs, weaknesses, and strengths. Having this insight can guide you toward the type of relationship you desire and allow you to set goals to help it thrive. If you know your Enneagram number and want to improve your relationship, consider aiming for the following corresponding goals. 

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a personality test, though it differs from those you might find on sites that claim to pin down what type of handbag best describes you or what animal's essence is closest to your own. Rather than comparing you to something else or claiming that you fit into a small box, the Enneagram seeks to expand your view of yourself and demonstrate not only the aspects of yourself that you can be proud of but also those that you might not consider worthy of love, respect, or attention.

Origin of Enneagram types

The exact origin of the Enneagram is unknown, but researchers have discovered some of its roots. Some sources link it to early pagans, while others claim it is rooted in the Judeo-Christian tradition. It has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity within the past 30-40 years as a personality test embraced and endorsed by many Christian traditions, which may cite it as an effective means of identifying and working within your personality type to enhance and improve your religious pursuits.

Relationship goals for each Enneagram number

Below is an overview of each enneagram type, their characteristics, and how they behave in terms of relationships.

Romance for ones

Enneagram ones are concerned with what is good and right and often have a fear of being seen or perceived as wicked or in some way corrupt. Ones are often rooted in deep-seated ideas regarding relationships, relationship roles, and how relationships should play out. Although ones are often service-oriented, they are also frequently perfectionistic and can have high ideals and standards.

Ones are called "the Reformers" because they are known for their dedication to overcoming obstacles and improving anything that gets in their way. In romantic relationships, ones are more likely to be pragmatic and simple: passionate may be more desirable and compelling than cute. Although cuteness can be important and have its own time and place, a passionate relationship is more likely to involve an Enneagram one and their partner rather than a cute relationship. Ones fight for what they believe in, meaning that if they are passionate about something, they’ll put their all into it. This often includes their romantic relationships. 

Romance for twos

Enneagram twos, also called "the Helper," are often described by comparing them to the biblical figure of Martha; Martha, according to the lore, perpetually put herself in a place of service and humility and offered her home and her resources to those in need.

Similarly, in relationships, twos often seem as though they give far more than they get. This type frequently shows trust when they shouldn't and demonstrate what it means to have a servant's heart. In romance, twos will likely give a lot in the relationship and may even give more than they have. Twos may be among those more likely to be empathic, and consequently, may be prone to entering unhealthy relationships. Between passionate and cute, twos will likely choose "cute," as they are concerned more with kindness, consideration, and feeling needed, rather than focusing on outward appearances and intensity.

Romance for threes

Enneagram threes are usually concerned with ambition and appearance. Threes are likely to be individuals who place emphasis on achievement and success and are less likely to prioritize relationships than many of the other types. An Enneagram three is nicknamed "the Achiever," as much of their energy and focus is dedicated to achievement and prestige.

Therefore, a three in a romantic relationship is likely to value passion. Threes are typically concerned with image and feeling valuable and may display an elitist edge. In romance, threes may not be as concerned with companionship as they are concerned with appearances and compatibility. Since threes are often quite confident and driven, they are also likely to value a similar partner devoted to accomplishment and capable of supporting ambition.

Romance for fours

The four on the Enneagram is usually called "the Individualist" or "the Romantic." Fours gained this nickname primarily for their desire to stand out and be set apart as unique individuals. The greatest fear of an Enneagram four is being without worth or being one of the masses, which can push fours to go out of their way to step outside of the norm.

In relationships, fours value passion, love, and romance. They are normally very in-touch with their emotions and allow others to bring their worries and woes to them. They want a romantic relationship that validates them for who they are while letting them know that they do not have to continually strive to look or feel different from other people to have value. Between passionate and cute, an Enneagram four is likely to seek out passion.

Romance for fives

Enneagram fives value knowledge above everything else and are usually referred to as "Investigators." Fives are so named for their ability to hone in on research and develop areas of expertise through self-teaching. Fives may not value relationships as high priorities and are more likely to seek a cute relationship rather than a passionate one. A cute relationship is far more likely to offer simple and pragmatic ways to connect with others.

Fives are often high-strung, intense, and alert, and usually function best when in relationships with people who offer a grounding, calming, and confident presence. Fives' greatest fear is being helpless or incapable, and they typically try hard to inoculate themselves against these feelings by having plenty of trivia and knowledge up their sleeve at any given moment.

Romance for sixes

The Enneagram six is usually referred to as "the Loyalist." This Enneagram number is named for its tendency to focus on relationships. Sixes greatly value commitment and are more likely to want a passionate relationship filled with commitment and focused on longevity. Sixes fear being without loyalty and are heavily driven by relationships and relational living.

Sixes often slip into negativity and pessimism but can be uplifted by the onset of a new relationship. Sixes rely heavily upon their romantic pursuits and are often the grounding individuals within a relationship. For that reason, they are often well suited for people who are prone to dreaming and imagining, as they offer a healthy shift from living in the clouds to living and breathing down on earth.

Romance for sevens

Enneagram sevens are also called "the Enthusiasts," known for their extroversion, enthusiasm, and optimism. Sevens fear pain and deprivation and seek to have their needs met and fulfilled. Consequently, sevens are often goal-oriented and driven and work hard to make sure they have what they need.

In relationships, sevens are needs-driven and are more likely to value passion than a cute or sweet relationship. Since their needs typically encompass companionship and emotional fulfillment, sevens heavily value relationships and do not shy away from forging connections and seeking romantic relationships.

Romance for eights

The Enneagram type eight is called "the Challenger," and for a good reason: eights value control and self-sufficiency and are often seen as aggressive or domineering. Eights fear being controlled or manipulated, whether in romantic relationships or any other type of relationship, and work hard to maintain a sense of autonomy and independence.

In romance, eights are more likely to value passion; in a cute romance, there is likely to be some semblance of interdependence, which can feel cloying and uncomfortable. In passion, though, there is a greater sense of independence and autonomy, and eights typically chase passion before they chase the cute or sweet aspects of relationships.

Romance for nines

The final Enneagram number, 9, is also called "the Peacemaker." So-named for their desire to keep peace and avoid conflict, nines desire stability above everything else and deeply fear separation, conflict, and loss. This can be problematic, as is the case with nines who resort to lying and hiding to keep the peace. It can also be wonderful, as is the case with nines who cultivate high moral standards and value authenticity.

In relationships, nines are more likely to seek out a "cute" relationship, or one based on comfort, rather than a passionate relationship. This may largely be because comfort offers stability and consistency, while passion runs the risk of eventually fading away and needing to be replaced. Nines, then, will often be more prone to seeking out relationships that seem to be a sure thing rather than taking romantic risks.

Exploring the links between relationships and personality with online therapy

Although the Enneagram can be an effective tool for learning more about yourself and creating a healthier relationship, it is not a replacement for therapy or other professional intervention. If you are unsure of how to interact with others, struggle to set healthy boundaries in a relationship, or are not typically able to ask for what you want and express yourself in a relationship, a therapist may be able to help you improve your communication skills, develop healthier habits, and cultivate and improve existing relationships. You can connect with a therapist through Regain, an online counseling platform. Regain allows you to meet with a therapist from the comfort of your home and talk through phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging. You can also meet with your therapist individually or as a couple, which may make it simpler and more convenient to get the care you need.

The effectiveness of online therapy

Couples counseling has been shown to be an effective tool for helping people improve their relationships. In one study, researchers found that couples therapy delivered via videoconferencing could effectively replace face-to-face interventions. Those couples participating in the online program experienced an increase in relationship satisfaction, individual mental health, and all other outcome scores. For those couples looking for an alternative option for support, online counseling could be beneficial. 

Takeaway

Although the Enneagram is not designed solely for predicting, furthering, or improving romantic relationships, it is designed to help people better understand themselves, which can help improve relationships. Knowing exactly what you need can help you adequately and safely ask for what you need and can help improve the bond you have with your partner. Although it is not necessary to know your Enneagram number to have a fulfilled, successful relationship, knowing your motivation and the source of your behaviors can not only help you get what you need from your relationships but can also help you express yourself with your partner, and figure out how the two of you can more effectively communicate and interact with one another. If you need help in any of these areas, a licensed therapist could help. By connecting with a Regain professional, you can find the support and care you need from anywhere you have an internet connection.