Relationship Gaslighting: Examples And Warning Signs

Your mental health is precious. It allows you to have healthy relationships, take care of yourself effectively, work productively, function in the world, and go for your dreams. So, when someone you love says and does things that make you question your memories, your sense of reality, and ultimately, your sanity, it can have a deep impact. It's also one of many signs you're being gaslit. Gaslighting in relationships isn't always easy to recognize, and gaslighting typically causes self-doubt, making it more difficult to recognize and acknowledge fully. 

Here are some relationship gaslighting examples and warning signs to look for if they're happening to you.

Gaslighting examples

Gaslighting can take many forms, but the essential nature of the words and behaviors of a gaslighter is that they are said and done to make you doubt yourself and keep the gaslighter in control. Here are some gaslighting tactics and examples of each.

Lying

You might think lying should be easy to spot, especially when you think you know better. Yet, if your partner is gaslighting you, they may lie with such determination that you find yourself doubting whether what you thought or experienced was true. Here are some examples of gaslighting via lying:

• Your partner agrees to go on a double date with another couple. When the night arrives, you ask if they're looking forward to the evening. They say, "I told you I hate double dating. Why don't you listen?"
• You walk into the room to see your partner cleaning up a broken vase. There's no one else in the house, and the vase was fine the last time you were in that room. Before you can say anything, they say, "I wish you wouldn't break our best things."
• You and your partner had a fight. When you try to talk about it later, they deny the fight happened and say they’re worried about your memory.

Exaggerating

No one is perfect. But if someone is gaslighting you, they may exaggerate your every flaw, inconsistency, and mistake. If someone is gaslighting you by exaggerating, they may say things like:

• “You're the worst housekeeper I’ve ever known.”
• “You're so bad at your job it's a wonder you haven't gotten fired yet.”
• You spend the afternoon with some friends. When you get home, your partner accuses, “You don’t care about me at all. You’d rather spend time with anyone but me.”

Countering

At first, you try to defend yourself. You try to set the record straight. But your partner counters every statement you make. Here are some gaslighting examples that involve countering.

• “That isn't how that happened.”
• “You do not remember that correctly.”
• “You seem confused about the situation.”

Pretending they don't understand

If you tell your gaslighting partner something that's important to you, they may pretend they don't understand what you're talking about. Gaslighting this way can sound like this:

• “You aren't making any sense.”
• “What in the world do you mean by that?”
• “Where did you get such a crazy idea?”

Trivializing your concerns

Your gaslighting partner consistently trivializes things you're worried about. You're deeply concerned about a serious problem, and rather than talking through it with you or listening, they may say things like this:

• “I don't know why you're making such a big deal about that.”
• “That's not going to happen in a million years.”
• “Why do you always overreact?”

Telling you they're joking

Someone who is gaslighting their partner may say the cruelest things to them. Sometimes, they'll say it and let it stand. Other times, they try to confuse you by telling you it was just a joke. They may say things like:

• “I was kidding.”
• “Oh, you thought I was serious?”
• “Calm down. It was a joke.”

Claiming they know what others are thinking about you

Someone who is gaslighting you may not stop with telling you what they think is bad about you. They may claim they know that other people are saying negative things about you as well. Here are some examples:

• “Your friends are saying that you aren't very nice.”
• “So-and-so doesn’t actually like you. They’re just pretending.”

Escalating

Gaslighting often begins very subtly. It might be very easy to pass off their tactics as harmless misunderstandings. But eventually, the manipulations become more blatant. At some point, you might begin to question your partner's lies, exaggerations, or other manipulations. You might even show them proof that you're right. Unfortunately, when you do, they may up their game. Instead of acknowledging that they might be wrong, a gaslighter might escalate their attack.

• “You're just making things up now!”
• “You've completely let your imagination run wild!”
• “Why do you always second-guess me?!”
• “You didn't see what you thought you saw!”
• “You're crazy!”

Giving you false hope

At some point, your partner may switch gaslighting tactics. They might choose to manipulate you by raising your hopes for the relationship. They say and do things that seem kind, loving, or remorseful. If they're gaslighting you, this won't last long, but for a while, they may convince you that everything is fine in your relationship by saying things like:

• “I want to make you happy.”
• “I care what you think.”
• “I'm going to try to be a better partner.”

Gaslighting is repetitive

Many of the above examples could happen to anyone occasionally. People sometimes misunderstand each other. Sometimes they forget things. If you think you see one gaslighting example and never see another, it's probably not anything to worry about. But when you're truly being gaslighted, you hear such things over and over. They may alternate tactics, but your partner uses these gaslighting techniques often to wear you down and control you. It doesn't just happen now and then; it’s consistent.

Gaslighting and narcissism

When it comes to gaslighting and narcissism, narcissism is often at the root of the problem. Narcissists or those with narcissistic tendencies commonly use gaslighting to undermine those they target. So, what is a narcissist? Someone with narcissistic personality disorder has an excessively high opinion of themselves. They lack empathy for others and show them little or no genuine consideration. They can be manipulative, demanding, and selfish. They use narcissistic gaslighting to get what they want, show their supposed superiority, and control other people.

However, someone who gaslights is not necessarily a narcissist. It could be they grew up with manipulative tactics from their parents or caregivers, and so have learned to use those rather than healthy relationship-building approaches. They may have a mental health condition, such as borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, or underdeveloped empathy, for example. However, there is no excuse for manipulating and gaslighting others, as these are harmful and toxic behaviors.

Does the length of relationship matter?

Gaslighting can start at any phase of a relationship. Just because someone treated you well at first, it doesn't mean you’re imagining things if you think they're gaslighting you now. In fact, one study showed that the longer a relationship went on, the more likely psychological abuses like reproaches, trivialization, indifference, criticizing, and accusations were to happen.

Warning signs

Sorting out gaslighting from innocent mistakes and misunderstandings can be difficult. Talking to a couples counselor about what's happening in your relationship can help you determine whether you're being gaslighted, and if so, what you can do about it.

Aside from the words and behaviors of your relationship partner, you can also find clues that you're experiencing gaslighting by looking at the way you're thinking, feeling, and behaving. Signs that you may be experiencing gaslighting can include:

• You find yourself questioning your own judgment.
• Every day, you wonder why you're so sensitive.
• You feel extremely confused and wonder if you're mentally ill.
• You don't understand why you're so upset all the time.
• You spend a lot of your time apologizing to your partner.
• You don't tell your friends and family relatives about your partner's behavior to avoid trying to explain it.
• You lie to avoid the gaslighter's manipulations.
• Even the simplest decisions seem hard to make.
• You put yourself down and wonder why you can't ever do anything the right way.
• You know something is very wrong, but you can't put your finger on what it is.
• You start thinking you aren't good enough to deserve your partner.
• You question your sense of what's real.
• You doubt your memory.
• You feel as though you are walking on eggshells around your partner.

Build resilience against gaslighting in online therapy

While all these warning signs can give you an idea of whether you're being gaslighted, it's still difficult to know whether that's the case or it's some other problem. The reason is that it's hard to be objective when a manipulator is using these tactics to confuse and abuse you every day. 

That's one reason it's important to seek help when you suspect you're being gaslighted. If it's happening, your partner may be working very hard to make you feel weaker and weaker so that they can have total control over you. This can be tough to see and break free from without help and support.

Someone who is gaslighting you may go to couples' therapy if they think they can use that to manipulate you. More likely, though, they will trivialize your concerns, deny there's a problem, blame it on you, or use other gaslighting tactics to avoid going.

The good news is that you can get help for gaslighting from a couples' counselor on your own. A couples' therapist specializes in relationships. They understand what gaslighting is, how it happens, and how to get past it. In therapy, you can work on:

• Getting a new perspective on your partner's behavior.
• Recognizing when you're being gaslighted.
• Recovering your self-esteem.
• Reclaiming your personal identity.
• Rebuilding your independence.
• Making decisions about where to go next with this relationship.

Takeaway

Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It can destroy your self-confidence and damage your mental health. Once you recognize the problem, deal with it, and regain your perspective, you can go beyond gaslighting to create a better life for yourself.

Online therapy allows you to obtain therapy discreetly anywhere you have an internet connection. This can be particularly useful for those in abusive and manipulative relationships.