Relationships And Manipulation: Am I Being Used?

Relationships, whether they’re familial, platonic, or romantic, can often be considered the bedrock of being a human. We are, to some degree, set apart from other mammals and animals for the way we interact with the others of our species, and the homes and lives we create for ourselves in conjunction with others. Relationships can therefore be a significant part of almost every human being's life, regardless of the exact presentation of those relationships. It is perhaps for this reason that spotting serious relationship red flags can often be difficult, if not altogether impossible, and that so many people find themselves in relationships that involve abuse, neglect, or bullying. Below, we’ll explore signs of manipulation in relationships.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation can be defined as behavior that seeks to control or sway another person's beliefs, ideas, behavior, or view of reality. Manipulation is not relegated to romantic relationships but can permeate virtually every relationship in existence; friendships, authoritative relationships, familial relationships, parent-child relationships, and more. Authority figures, such as government representatives, can use manipulation, as can teachers and mentors. 

In many cases, manipulation can be small and infrequent, such as twisting your words to get your way with a store clerk. Or it can be huge and constant, such as a parent consistently using guilt to get their way with their child. Manipulation can be a form of mental, emotional, and psychological abuse, and can cause harm in unexpected and far-reaching ways. Being aware of signs of manipulation in a relationship can help you avoid living with its consequences.

How damaging are manipulative relationships?

Emotional manipulation can be extremely damaging to a person’s mental health and may lead to emotional and mental uncertainty and instability. These kinds of relationships can create trust issues and make you question your reality or sanity. Likewise, manipulation can act as a catalyst for depression and anxiety and can pave an ideal road for other, similar conditions to develop.

People in manipulative relationships may begin to doubt themselves and might struggle to separate themselves from their emotionally manipulative partner. This can be dangerous because losing a concrete sense of self can foster codependence and make you far more entwined with your abuser than you may have been before. Typically, people getting out of a manipulative relationship need time, distance, and therapy to sort through the damage of manipulation, create healthy boundaries, and move forward.

Relationships and manipulation: What using looks like

It can be hard to detect if you are being used, especially if the person who is using you is skilled at it. Using people often starts out small and simple; a boss might come to you, seemingly on edge, and implore you to take a coworker's shift, because there "just isn't anyone else." Or a friend might beg you to stay with them instead of going home and getting some work done, because they need you, and don't have anyone else. Although both of these can be true, they can also both begin to groom you for a series of manipulative behaviors. Below we’ll outline a few manipulation tactics that might be used in relationships.

Guilt

Manipulation can manifest via multiple tactics, but guilt is often one of the more common ones. Manipulators often use guilt to make you feel as though you must do or say something specific and to keep you in a relationship you may be eager to leave. Guilt may be borne of desperation or maybe used because it has worked with others in the past. Although guilt may be more commonly used in intimate relationships (close friendships, familial relationships, or partnerships), it can be used in other settings, including school, sales, and work.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting can also be a common form of manipulation, as it twists and controls the way that you think. It may make you question your own beliefs and experiences or lead you to believe your own reality and memories aren’t true. Sometimes, people use gaslighting to divert attention away from themselves when they’ve hurt someone else. A person who gaslights may manipulate a situation to try and make the other person doubt their own feelings or memories. They may do this to try and make the other person feel guilty for bringing up their feelings and to avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful actions.

Stonewalling or giving the silent treatment

The silent treatment may be another type of manipulation commonly used in relationships. The silent treatment occurs when one person in the relationship refuses to speak to the other until the other person gives in to break the silence. The silent treatment can be considered a form of passive aggressive behavior that’s used to manipulate someone else, because it is controlling behavior that might seek to force someone else's hand. Passive aggressive behavior can be considered a silent form of manipulative, because it’s an indirect way of communicating that can be used to cause tension or provoke another person. Oftentimes, the silent treatment is used until the person who is being manipulated comes to the manipulator and apologizes or concedes.

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a type of emotional manipulation often used at the beginning of relationships. When someone love bombs another persons, they tend to give them an excessive amount of attention in the form of affection, compliments, and gifts. After an initial period of grand displays of affection, someone who love bombs may disappear completely or become cold.  They may become critical and start to belittle their partner. 

Why do people use and manipulate?

Being used by someone else is not always a malicious move on their part. Some people may use others without seeming to realize it and use people almost as a matter of course. These people might only seek out connection with their friends when they need something, might only reach out if they are in crisis, or might only invite certain people to go places with them if they cannot find anything else they'd prefer to spend time with. On the surface, it might not seem like such a strange or terrible thing to do, but using other people to assuage your loneliness without consideration of the other person can be form of using someone.

Some people may manipulate because it is the primary mechanism through which they were taught to connect with other people. If you grew up in a household characterized by abuse (including manipulation), it might be the only way you know how to keep up relationships with others.

Some people with a personality disorder may have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships and may be more likely to engage in manipulative or controlling behavior in relationships. 

Is manipulation always bad?

Overall, manipulation can have a very negative connotation and is usually viewed as abusive or inappropriate behavior. This is because any form of control or coercion of someone can be seen as problematic; if someone is pushed to do or say something they do not want to do or say, it may be considered control and manipulation and can quickly grow dangerous.

Despite some arguments to the contrary, most mental health professionals would likely agree that manipulation is, on the whole, a bad thing. Healthy relationships do not usually involve manipulation, nor do healthy mindsets employ this type of control over others. Even if the victim of manipulation seems actually to benefit from the manipulation momentarily, the means of arriving at that benefit can be viewed as unacceptable. There can be plenty of other ways to achieve a goal or form a strong relationship without employing controlling tactics.

What to do if you're being used or manipulated

If you are being used or manipulated, the best thing to do may be to get out of the situation. Whether it is your job, your class, your friendship, or your relationship, removing yourself from a manipulative situation or relationship is usually the best option. If your supervisor is behaving in a manipulative way, try to switch to another supervisor. If a friend is manipulating you, request that the two of you take some time apart. Gaining some distance may be one of the best ways to begin healing, as it can open your eyes to some of the more difficult-to-recognize patterns you've been exposed to.