The Best Way To Get Revenge—Without Hurting Someone

When someone hurts you, it can be natural to want to express yourself. You might feel sad, disappointed or mad—you may even feel like seeking revenge. However, if the person who hurt you is close to you, you may not want to do anything drastic. Even if the person isn't close to you, you shouldn't try to hurt them—even if you think it might feel satisfying.

So, what's the best way to get revenge—without hurting someone?

Is this feeling natural?

To want revenge isn't a great reaction to being hurt or wronged, but it is natural. When someone has wronged you, the idea of getting back at them can be enticing. Many people have felt this way. That's why we have so many great quotes about it: "a man with revenge in his heart must dig two graves," "eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind," and countless others.

Here, you'll read about some safe, healthy, and even constructive ways to "get back" at someone.

Getting revenge—without hurting anyone

When you think about revenge, you might think about the elaborate—and sometimes deadly—revenge plots that we see in novels, on primetime real-life, true-crime documentaries, or the silver screen. However, there are ways to get revenge without doing too much damage. After all, you don't want to hurt anyone or do so much damage that they want to get you back—which may begin a destructive cycle.

The human desire for revenge is natural and can even help us to establish boundaries in our relationships. This is best done through the idea of "giving others a taste of their own medicine." Communicate to them that something that they did hurt you by letting them know how that treatment feels.

Why do humans want revenge?

Psychologists believe that many of our emotions are evolutionary tools that helped our ancient ancestors to survive. Revenge is no different. Studying how these emotions came about and what purposes they served—or still serve—is the realm of evolutionary psychologists.

Evolutionary psychologists believe that the desire for revenge in humans was a sort of primitive desire for peace and justice. By ensuring that those who did bad things were punished, revenge may have allowed our ancient ancestors to establish some semblance of order even before establishing societies capable of things like organized law enforcement.

In fact, this attitude is still the backbone of some modern-day political philosophies, most notably anarchy. Anarchy believes that humans would be the happiest and most productive if there were no laws or governments. People who support anarchy believe that people would not carry out crimes if they knew that the victims—or their friends, family, and the general community—were free to exact retribution. As a twentieth-century writer, Alistair Crowley put it, "Let 'Do what you will' be the extent of the law." 

Revenge in relationships

As alluded to above, just because something served our ancestors doesn't mean that it can't continue to serve us today. We may have society-wide laws and law enforcement, but there are some aspects of our lives that they can't—and shouldn't—extend to. One of these is a personal relationship.

If your significant other does something that you don't like or don't think is fair, who will you call? The relationship police?

Since there are no relationship police, primitive forms of establishing—read "exacting"—justice is sometimes our only tool for creating and maintaining boundaries in our relationships.

So, how do we use revenge to improve the relationship rather than to make ourselves feel better?

Using revenge as a tool

When used as an educational tool, revenge can be legitimate and useful. While we may not all be comfortable talking about revenge in this way—and most of us certainly aren't used to it—revenge can be a method of "peer-to-peer discipline." After all, we're okay with discipline—the system through which people of authority enforce societal norms. However, as mentioned above, relationships don't have people of authority.

Just as with many other systems of judgment, there should be rules when using revenge as a tool. 

Reciprocity

One such rule is "reciprocity." Reciprocity is the idea that a punishment should not be more severe than the offense. This idea has its roots in the "eye for an eye" biblical passage. However, the idea of reciprocity has a rich history of debate and development in philosophy and ethics. The medieval writer Augustine of Hippo even included a version in his criteria for a just war. This has since been used as an argument for and against different court sentences to respond to various crimes.

While you may not be preparing to wage war or pass sentencing on your significant other, you can still learn from the principle of reciprocity in your relationship. If you think that your significant other needs to clean up after themselves more, it wouldn't be fair to throw out all of their belongings.

Reciprocity does two things. It prevents you from going overboard, and it prevents you from being too petty. The idea of revenge as a constructive relationship tool is to communicate your feelings more proportionately. If your partner does something that bothers you and you retaliate through a drawn-out series of passive-aggressive microaggressions, it can hurt rather than help the situation.

Relatability

Another important metric for constructive revenge is that it should be relatable to the offense. To return to the above situation, if your partner leaves their messes around, eating food that they were saving probably isn't the best way to communicate your feelings. You should find a way to relate your action to theirs.

Timeliness

Another helpful principle to stand by is timeliness. This means that you should voice your concerns when they happen. It can be tempting to let your grudges mount until something big happens, leading you to vent your frustration all at once—even if it means acting on things that happened ages ago. But that's not the best way to respond if you truly want someone to change their behavior.

Like relatability, timeliness helps to turn revenge from an act of catharsis to a mode of communication. Further, like reciprocity, timeliness helps to keep your response from being too extreme.

Communication, communication, communication

Revenge can be more satisfying than just chatting out your problems. However, revenge is a fine line, and walking it is often more dangerous than just talking. Poor communication is a problem in many relationships, and it might be an underlying problem in yours too. By communicating any issues you may be having and discussing them rationally, you may save yourself from a rabbit hole of revengeful acts.

Getting help

If your communication is in such a state that you've resorted to revenge over talking, it might be time to call in some help. One option is to call in a neutral observer, like another couple who seem to have things together. They can help you to establish boundaries in your relationship or suggest methods for better communication and compromise.

Another option is to look for professional help, like a relationship counselor.

Reaching out to a relationship counselor

It's important not to panic. It's a common misconception that calling a relationship counselor signifies that the relationship is on its last legs. This isn't the case. Even if your relationship only has one seemingly minor problem, talking to a relationship counselor can help keep the problem from escalating. In fact, some couples talk to relationship counselors when nothing is wrong to help keep things running smoothly.

Depending on where you live, you might find relationship counselors in the area. Then again, you might not. Even if you do find a local relationship counselor, you may not be comfortable talking to someone who lives in your community. Even if neither of these is an obstacle, relationship counselors can be expensive, and fitting them into your schedule can be a hassle.

One solution is to reach out to a relationship counselor over the internet. Through quality platforms like Regain, you can be connected with thousands of licensed and professional relationship counselors in a more convenient and more affordable system than meeting with relationship counselors in person. Via these systems, you—with or without your partner—can communicate with a licensed and professional counselor through video or voice calls, chatrooms, and even messaging.

Online counseling has been an effective way for many couples to keep their relationship on track. In a world where everyone is busy, finding a time for everyone to visit a physical therapist's office can be tricky. Maybe you don't have any therapists in your area. Online therapy makes it much easier to make these connections and schedule sessions right from home.

For more information on how online relationship counseling can help you and your partner, visit .

Takeaway

When you and your partner are on the same page but not reading the same line, a little revenge can help you vent your frustration while, at the same time, helping your partner understand what you're going through. However, if revenge is the only way that you feel you can communicate your feelings, you might have bigger problems than you know. Consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional that can help strengthen your relationship.