We Fight Too Much: I Want To Be Happy Again
Everyone can fight once in a while. Perhaps no two people can get along constantly, all the time.
In fact, most experts agree that you may fight the most with the ones you love. This could be because you might trust that they will not run away or leave you for speaking your mind. And because you care what they think, you might want them to see things your way. Maybe arguing more in our relationships could be because of past issues that haven’t been worked out yet. The important thing to consider could be how, and how often, you two fight. What you are fighting about and how you resolve fights can be quite relevant as well.
Consider how often you fight
Does it seem like you are getting into a fight with your significant other every time you try to have a conversation with them? Are you constantly arguing, sometimes even more than you are talking? If you were to sit down and think about it, how often would you say that you and your loved one have a nice conversation without someone getting angry? Even after the fight, are you still mulling it over? Maybe you would rather ignore it all and hope it goes away. Remember that although fighting can be a tough experience, it is typically better than ignoring things, because at least while arguing, you can communicate how you feel.
Constant bickering or nagging each other may not be a healthy way to communicate. Try to learn how to communicate without being mean, yelling, or name-calling. Taking a break from the fight for a little while can help you calm yourself so that you don’t say anything that you might later regret. Call a truce and talk about something else for a little while and then go back to talking about the issue when you are not angry anymore.
Consider what you are fighting about
Whether you are fighting about major issues or just silly little things can make a big difference in the severity of the fights. For example, arguing over who left the kitchen light on might not be necessary. In fact, you may even be picking a fight because you are angry or stressed out about someone or something else. Many times, we can take out our problems on the ones we love.
In contrast, if you are fighting over a major issue like money or infidelity, this may be an important discussion that you need to have. In this case, arguing can be a good thing. Not actually fighting but instead talking things over with your partner can be very important in cases like this. Try not to put each other down, call names, or blame your partner for things.
Consider how you fight
The manner in which you and your loved one fight can also be important. If you are being abused, controlled, called names, or the anger turns physical – call the domestic violence hotline immediately by dialing 800.799.SAFE (7233). Help is available at the hotline 24/7.
Signs of abuse
Some of the signs of abuse include:
- Name-calling
- Controlling what you do or who you talk to
- Threatening you or your loved ones
- Harming you physically by hitting, scratching, kicking, etc.
- Taking your car or phone away
- Stopping you from going out
- Refusing to let people come over or distancing you from your friends and family
- Destroying your property
- Humiliating you
- Yelling and screaming
- Forcing you to have sex
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Consider how you make up after a fight
When you are in the middle of a heated argument, and you are both getting out of control, this may be the time when you both need to step back and cool off. Take a break. Do something else for a while. Take a bath, read a book, watch television, listen to music. Once you have both had time to cool off, you can go back and revisit the issue and maybe try to talk more calmly about it. However, everyone is different in terms of how long they can take to cool down after a fight. You might be over it in five minutes, but your partner may still be mulling it over hours after the fight. Give your loved one as much time as they need to cool down. Once you are calm, sit down and have a mature conversation about what you are arguing about.
Apologies
The first thing to do can be to apologize for your part of the disagreement. No matter what the fight was about, you both likely had a part in it. However, do not just apologize to each other and say, "let's forget it," because the issue is still there, and it probably still needs to be discussed, or it is likely to come up again.
Figure it out
Try to figure out what the real issue is. What are you upset about? Something small can turn into something big if you continue to ignore it. So, talk about what is going on, no matter how small the issue.
Listen to each other
There are two sides to every story, no matter who you may feel is at fault. Whatever they have to say about the issue, listen and hear their perspective. Consider their feelings. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see the problem from their side.
"We fight too much”: Online couples therapy
Who is at fault does not matter in the end. The argument should be you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.
After all, there is no winner and loser in the fight. You both lose when you fight, and you both win when you make up. And if you are still having trouble resolving arguments, then it may be time to talk to a couple's counselor about communicating better.
Online therapy with Regain
Through Regain, you can talk to a certified online counselor about your relationship. On a survey about online couple’s counseling, 95% of couples said that the process had been “helpful.” To improve the communication in your relationship, get in touch with Regain.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do I stop fighting so much?
One of the best ways to work through frequent arguments and other similar concerns in a relationship can be to pursue couples counseling or therapy. There are a number of potential reasons that frequent arguments may occur, ranging from poor communication to resentment and other concerns. The best way to navigate this can be to turn your argument into an opportunity for meaningful communication. To do so, work to find the underlying issues that cause frequent arguments, negative feelings toward one another, or any other similar problems. When you see a couples counselor or therapist, they can help you learn to support one another and communicate in a therapeutic, nonjudgmental environment.
Can a relationship survive after a big fight?
Relationships can indeed survive after a big fight. However, if your arguments are frequent or volatile, you may need to directly address the issue. Signs of unhealthy arguments include name-calling, manipulation, yelling, defensiveness, and hurtful remarks or criticism. Again, remember that every couple fights; you mustn’t avoid important topics in a relationship. There will always be disagreements or dissimilarities from time to time in the way you and your partner think. What’s important is that you navigate disagreements healthily. If you are in the process of working to have more productive communication in a partnership but slip up by saying something hurtful, try to apologize and talk it through. Practice taking the time to cool down if you need to before talking about a heated issue, and work on active listening skills. Couples counseling is also a well-researched way to help you navigate issues such as arguments and conflicts, so reach out if you need it. No couple is perfect, but there are adaptive, healthy ways to navigate disagreements.
Why do couples fight over nothing?
Here are some potential reasons that a couple may fight over nothing:
Feelings of contempt or resentment.
A lack of communication over a bigger issue or holding back your feelings when something truly upsets you.
Difficulties with communication patterns in the relationship overall.
Not understanding the other person‘s perspective.
Trying to read each other’s minds or making assumptions about what your partner is thinking or feeling.
How do we uncover the underlying causes of why we fight too much?
Most of the time, the bottom line is that if couples fight over “nothing,” it’s often not actually over nothing. This is why finding out any underlying causes of frequent arguments can be so important. Try to get to the root of the issue to work on it and maintain a healthy relationship.
What is unfair fighting?
An argument could be unfair if the other person is being manipulative. For example, if someone gaslights you during an argument, that would be unfair. It can also be unfair if someone goes for a low blow, using criticism to hurt you, or if they tell you that it’s your fault that you’re fighting.
- Previous Article
- Next Article