What Can You Do When You’re Feeling Rejected?

There's no doubt about it: rejection hurts. Whether it’s over something small or life-changing, rejections can be brutal to get over. But it is possible to move on with your life. How can you get past that feeling and reach a better emotional place? Here are some tips for handling rejection gracefully.

Don't deny the rejection

It can be challenging to accept rejection, and you may find yourself denying that the incident ever happened. You might look for ways to reinterpret the other person's words or behavior to find another explanation. For example, when your partner says, "I don't love you anymore," you might convince yourself they were joking. If you go for a job interview and are told a few days later that they decided to go with another applicant, you might think it’s a negotiating technique and they’re just trying to get you to take the job for a lower salary. Deep down, you probably know your reassessment of the situation is off, but you hope to avoid the pain by denying the rejection.

Instead of denying the obvious, recognize that it did happen. Accept that it wasn't a figment of your imagination. It was real, and denying it won't make it go away. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and disappointment to start moving through them.

Avoid clinging to the impossible

Holding onto the hope that something or someone will change is a dangerous game. Change is rarely an easy thing. For example, if your partner ends your relationship, they probably aren't going to change their mind and come running back to you, despite what you see in romantic movies. The people who interviewed you for the job and offered it to someone else probably aren’t going to call you next week and tell you they reconsidered.  Be frank with yourself. If it's evident that your hopes are futile, let go of them and prepare yourself to move on.

Don't over-inflate your view of the other party

Sometimes, when someone rejects you, you put them on a pedestal. You assume they're better than you in some way and know something about you that you don’t, or else why would they be rejecting you? If you see things that way, you may exaggerate their importance in your life. You may seek approval from people who aren’t interested in giving it to you and whose approval you don’t really need. Instead of thinking about how you don't deserve their kindness or attention, remind yourself that you are just as worthy as anyone.

Understand why you're feeling this way

Rejection is undeniably painful, and the language we use to discuss it reflects this as we talk about broken hearts and hurt feelings. The truth is that the brain processes emotional pain in the same way it processes physical pain. Being in emotional pain because of rejection doesn't mean you're weak. What it means is that you're human.

Researchers have studied the pathways in the brain influenced by both physical and emotional pain. By taking MRIs of the brains of people who have been socially rejected, they discovered that the same brain structures and chemicals are involved in feelings of rejection and physical pain.

But why? Scientists have concluded, through this evidence as well as studies of animals and evolutionary studies, that this system developed long ago. In the hunter-gatherer era, being a part of the group was critical for survival. Without the group, they couldn't hunt as effectively and had no one to rely on to help them avoid danger or deal with threats.

The researchers believe this situation caused early humans to develop a neural alarm system to warn them when they were in danger of being kicked out of the group. When they felt that rejection, they could do whatever they needed to return to their clan's good graces. Today, this alarm system has become a part of the human condition. So, if rejection feels painful to you, it only means that you're like most other humans.

Stop criticizing yourself

When you feel rejected, it's common to blame yourself. You might think, "If only I were smarter, thinner, more lovable, they wouldn't have rejected me." Or, "I'm not enough fun to have a friend like that." You may even call yourself derogatory names.

Looking for problems in your character and behavior is not generally helpful. Sure, it's good to learn from mistakes and past experiences, but when you attack yourself personally and criticize yourself for being who you are, you only make matters worse.

Boost your self-esteem

Your sense of self-worth can take a big hit after rejection. Give yourself a little extra attention during this time. Take a few moments every day to think about your positive qualities and celebrate your accomplishments. Get out and do things you can be proud of, like volunteering to help others, being a good friend, or reaching for a personal goal.

Stay socially connected and engaged

Rejection by one person or group is painful, but it doesn't have to become the overarching theme of your life. Just shift your social focus to other people and groups. Spend more time with other friends, family, or coworkers. If your social network is small, try to widen it. Here are some ways to do that:

• Get involved with community activities.
• Be a part of a spiritual community.
• Get in touch with a friend or extended family you were once close to but haven't seen in a while.
• Take up a hobby and join a hobby group.
• Sign up for a class that interests you.

Laugh and have fun

If feeling rejected is painful, having a good time may be the best medicine. Look at the world through a humorous lens. Do things that make you happy. Here are some specific ways to have a better time:

• Watch a funny movie or a comedic musical.
• Go to a comedy club and listen to a comedian.
• Read a humorous comic strip every morning.
• Set up a game night with friends or family.
• Get a pet.
• Stop taking life so seriously and look for humor in everyday things.
• Create a Pinterest board or scrapbook and fill it with funny quotes from people you know.
• Spend more time with your funniest friend.
• Go outside to take in the view and get some fresh air.
• Sing a happy tune as you do housework or walk your dog.
• Create an artwork that expresses your silly side.

Check your expectations

Sometimes, unrealistic expectations you bring into a relationship or other situations can disappoint you. Think about those expectations now. Is it realistic to believe that you will never face rejection? Does it make sense to assume that every relationship will be a good fit for both you and your partner? Do you expect everyone to love and accept you? If you objectively look at what you were anticipating, you might discover that you've put too much pressure on yourself or others. Once you understand that, you can move toward other relationships that are healthier and more fulfilling.

Evaluate the thoughts behind the pain

When it comes to emotional pain, there's nearly always a thought behind it. It isn't the rejection that makes you feel so hurt; it's what you think about it that makes you feel sad or inadequate. One way to evaluate those thoughts is to do some journaling.

Write at the top of the page, "Why did they reject me?" Then, make a list of your thoughts on the subject. Finally, take each thought separately and ask yourself, is this true? Is this helpful? Consider if there's a better way to look at it.

Get emotional support

Feeling rejected can be incredibly lonely. The emotions that come up can be hard to bear on your own. So, it's important to get emotional support from someone you trust. Perhaps that's a friend or family or a trusted minister or teacher, but you may also consider speaking with a licensed mental health professional.

If you’re interested in talking to a counselor, consider online therapy. When you sign up for online treatment, you’re matched with an available counselor who can start helping you right away. You don’t have to worry about being on a waiting list, and because you can attend sessions from anywhere you have an internet connection, there’s no commute, which saves time. Research shows that online therapy works, too. One review of 14 studies concluded that it is just as effective as in-person treatment. Ready to take the next step? Sign up with Regain to get started.

Takeaway

Being rejected is a part of life. Everyone experiences it. Yet, feeling rejected doesn't have to stop you in your tracks. When you assess the situation objectively, take care of your emotional and social needs, and reach out for help and companionship, you can move beyond the rejection and reach a better emotional place.