What Does An Emotionally Manipulative Partner Look Like?
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Healthy relationships consist of compromise and the proper give-and-take between both parties. When you love someone, you want to make sure that they are happy and taken care of, which means you are often willing to do things that won't necessarily benefit you as a result. Unfortunately, there are many people who are only seeking to take from the relationship and will resort to psychological manipulation to gain the power that they want. That’s why awareness is vital to stop emotional manipulation at an early stage.
Being in a relationship with someone like this can be difficult because, unlike physical abuse, this form of abuse may not be as easy to detect and act on. Do you feel as though you are drained and stuck in your relationship? Do you believe that your partner holds all of the power at the cost of your emotional well-being? If so, we are going to walk you through some of the emotional manipulation signs to watch for so that you can cultivate awareness around the issue and reclaim your personal power. It's important to learn the signs of manipulation in a relationship, so that you can spot any possible manipulation in your own.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse and emotional manipulation are one and the same, and it is important to emphasize this fact as emotional manipulation is not acceptable, no matter the circumstances. That being said, it can be difficult to determine what may be emotional manipulation and what may be perfectly acceptable in a relationship if you are currently going through a rough patch with your partner.
To make things clear, emotional abuse is only present in a relationship where someone's behavior is, unintentionally or intentionally, suppressing you and manipulating you into acting or feeling a certain way. While certain things such as arguments, yelling, or spending time apart may feel like abuse, many of these are perfectly natural in a relationship and should only be a source of concern if they are used to control you.
Common emotional manipulation techniques
So, if some of these issues are not signs of emotional abuse, what is considered abuse? If you notice any of the following in your relationship, you may be dealing with an emotional manipulator.
1. Your partner is always putting you down or making you feel bad
A relationship is supposed to be a period of joint growth, exploration, and mutual love. Your goal is to explore life with the person that you love and help them become the best version of themselves in the process. For those who are only seeking to take in the relationship, however, they will often put their partner down in an attempt to raise themselves up and to break the other person down to the point where they will give in to what they want.
Your partner may constantly make inappropriate comments about things that you are self-conscious about and make you feel bad about the things that you say, do, or enjoy. When you become accustomed to this type of behavior, your partner may convince you that this is what you deserve and that, although they are cruel to you, they are the only person who is going to stay by your side. If your partner tries to make you feel bad about yourself, this is one major sign of emotional abuse and manipulation that helps the offender to achieve their goals.
2. You are being guilted into doing things for your partner
Emotional manipulators are great at learning what makes you tick and then using those emotions and behaviors to get what they want. Using guilt as a method to get away with something is another one of the more common emotional manipulation signs that you may see in your relationship. For example, let's imagine that your partner decided to get you a gift by surprise and then asked for something in return a couple of weeks later.
The thing they want is something that you can't fit into your budget, but your partner plays on your emotions and guilts you into buying it for them by referencing that gift that they recently purchased for you. An emotional manipulator knows how to play your emotions and guilt you into doing their bidding. This behavior may seem normal at first but make no mistake, these people will continue to use this tactic if it works for them.
3. Things seem to become your fault, regardless of the situation
Have you ever been blamed for something that your partner did? Did you find yourself convinced that your actions were indeed the cause of the issue? Emotionally abusive partners are great at placing blame and shame on others. Even if they are yelling at you, they can make you apologize for something hurtful you may or may not have said and act as if the cause of the argument lies entirely on your shoulders.
Once you find yourself in this cycle, you will often find yourself apologizing for everything that you do in an attempt to spare your partner from dealing with the emotional consequences that they are feeling. Whether they are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions, the blame will always be shifted to you. Remember, however, that it takes two to tango and that everyone is responsible for their actions as well as for the way they react to things.
4. They gaslight you
Great liars can get away with almost anything by working their way out of tight situations and coming up with convoluted plans that cast self-doubt. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which your partner causes you to doubt things that you have said, things that you have done, or even things that have happened between you in the past.
Their indignance and their place in the relationship can make you feel as though they are right, which only makes you more vulnerable to these lies in the future. This may not work on everyone but when it does, you become dependent on them to function properly and will believe everything that they say. If you think that you are dealing with this type of relationship and manipulation issue, make sure to keep track of everything to prove your sanity and yourself.
5. They isolate you from others or turn to your connections for support
Your friends and family are helpful resources to turn to when you are experiencing trouble in your relationship, but they are also excellent assets for a manipulative partner. People who are convincingly building up a story about how terrible you are will often turn to your social connections for their own "support" as a way to plant the idea that you are an unreliable or terrible individual.
Once they've managed to build that image with the people they know, they have few people to turn to, which keeps them isolated and prevents them from breaking away from the relationship. In some instances, a partner may force you to stop speaking to others or use the same technique to convince you that your friends and family are terrible people instead. Whether you are dealing with the former or the latter, being away from others and only being able to speak with your partner makes it easier for them to control you.
6. You are more present in their life than they are in yours
Things are easier to control when we are the ones dictating what happens. For example, someone who is attempting to manipulate you may make little to no effort to do things that you want but will ask you to stay at their house, go out with them, and meet their friends. When you are at the mercy of their environment, it makes it simple for them to control the relationship.
If something goes wrong, it must certainly be your fault. Relationships should always be 50/50 when it comes to deciding what you want to do, who you are going to stay with, and who you are going to be around. Although it doesn't seem like a big deal if you give your partner more control over what happens in your relationship, this can quickly be used to their advantage.
7. They seem interested in you to get information that they can use later
Does your partner shift between being cold and being extra loving? Do they ask about you more on some days then they do on a regular basis? Not only is this method a great way to keep you hooked (after all, being cared about may feel better if you are not always receiving this treatment from them), but it allows them to get information out of you that they can use later.
With this tactic, they can learn your insecurities, fears, and weak points. Then, they make it so that it is easier to prey on you throughout the relationship. If a partner tries to learn too much too quickly, this is a major red flag.
8. They're always needy at inconvenient times
Despite being someone who is controlling the relationship, your partner may be someone who constantly needs to be helped or who is very reliant on your attention and care. When this type of behavior is present in a relationship, there are two results that serve the emotional manipulator. Firstly, you may end up feeling as though your partner needs you and this sense of being needed can be mistaken as a form of love and may convince you to stay in the relationship.
Secondly, they can use this constant neediness to prevent you from going out and living your own life. Whenever they need attention, they can feign illness and keep you with them. Needing your partner on occasion is okay but constantly requiring care and love can quickly lead to you becoming trapped by your partner.
9. Your partner is always calm in the face of any situation
Your emotions are your guidance system in life. They tell you how to react to certain things and lead you in the right direction. A partner who seeks to control you knows this and knows that altering your emotions will alter you. One way they can choose to do this is by remaining calm when things go wrong.
By keeping a cool head, they can say that you are always overreacting and tell you when something is bad and when it isn't. Once they control you, they can get away with most things without you being able to react in a way that is appropriate. You should always be wary of an individual who remains too calm and who doesn't validate your feelings. Trust your instincts and you will be able to work your way out of such a relationship.
10. They use blatant emotional blackmail techniques
Blackmail is scary enough, but emotional blackmail can be truly frightening and is an effective technique to convince you to stay in a relationship. If you have ever had a partner who has threatened to hurt themselves if you didn't stay with them, you have already experienced emotional blackmail. Although it is something we are warned about and told not to react to, the thought of someone losing their life over an ended relationship can scare us into staying.
If you or a loved one are experiencing suicidal thoughts, be sure to reach out for help immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 and can be reached at 988 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
The truth is that you are not responsible for other people's behaviors and that you always need to do what is best for you. It is typically a threat rather than a true statement. If you do feel like your partner would go through with something like this, however, it is important that you make sure to contact the proper authorities or encourage them to get mental help for their feelings.
Build resilience in online therapy
Are you dealing with negative mental health effects as a result of your partner's behavior? If so, you can reach out for help by visiting Regain, an online relationship resource and counseling platform that can help you to heal from the trauma that you have experienced in your relationship. Just click on the link above, answer a few questions, and begin your healing journey today. When compared to in-person therapy, online options are historically as effective, and often even more affordable, and convenient.
Takeaway
An emotionally manipulative partner can create an immense strain on a relationship. But by learning the signs early (such as them guilting or gaslighting you, or them being especially needy, isolating, or cruel), you can learn how best to proceed and get the help necessary to live a healthy life.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is emotional manipulation in a relationship?
Emotional manipulation in a relationship can be hard to see when you are in the middle of the relationship. Manipulative people can turn on the charm in order to get you into the relationship and will only start to engage in manipulation and manipulative tactics only when they feel that they have you trapped.
People who manipulate you do not love you. Any person who is able to engage in manipulation to keep you with them may be obsessed with you or have the thought of controlling you, but you cannot think that they love you. Emotional manipulation is abuse, and you do not deserve it no matter what an emotional manipulator would have you think.
Do emotional manipulators have feelings for you?
People who manipulate you or engage in manipulation when it involves you do not love you. It is one of the most intense and insidious forms of abuse that a person is capable of inflicting on another person.
People manipulate others to feel in control. People manipulate others to give themselves a feeling of power. A person who manipulates another person is not capable of love, because purposefully causing a person harm in order to get them to need you is not love.
They may have feelings of desire or obsession for you, but if you ever feel like you are being purposefully emotionally manipulated, seek help and get out of the relationship as soon as you can.
How do you recognize emotional manipulation?
See below for examples of emotional manipulation.
What are examples of emotional manipulation?
"Am I manipulative or being manipulated?" Some examples of the ways people manipulate other in emotional manipulation are:
- They always want you to come to them or meet them where they want to meet
- They connect with you too quickly and too deeply
- They try to make you feel special so that you tell them your secrets
- They ask too many probing questions and never give answers
- They deflect when asked personal questions
- They exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable or sympathetic
- They talk down to you
- They make you feel guilty for expressing concerns
- They diminish your problems and feelings
- They constantly say mean and hurtful things but are “just joking”
- They’re the ultimate one upper
- They always criticize you
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms of emotional abuse, seek help immediately.
Is gaslighting emotional abuse?
Gaslighting is a serious and terrifying form of emotional abuse. Among forms of manipulation, it is extremely effective, and it allows the emotional manipulator to quickly gain control of a person by making them question their sanity.
If a person affected by abuse tries to react to the manipulation, the person or people who manipulate them will quickly find a way to turn their mistrust back onto them, furthering the manipulation.
It is important to know the early warning signs of gaslighting to be able to identify manipulation when it first begins. Refer to the above section for the signs.
What is gaslighting in a relationship?
Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse and manipulation caused by a romantic partner or someone that you trust. The person being emotionally manipulated into believing that things they know are true, aren’t, and it can cause a person to begin to doubt their own sanity and memories if done for a long enough period of time.
Gaslighting is a terrifying experience for the person being emotionally manipulated because when they react to the manipulation or try to call out their romantic partner for their manipulative tactics, the manipulative person will turn it back on to them. This causes further doubt in the person being emotionally manipulated and usually by this time the manipulative person will have cut them off from their support system.
This then leads to further forms of manipulation by the romantic partner and can make the victim feel like they deserve what’s happening and that they owe everything to their emotional manipulator.
This quickly becomes an incredibly dangerous and slippery slope, and it can be difficult to identify manipulation once a manipulative person has you under their control.
There are many warning signs of people who manipulate such as always wanting to separate you from your friends and family, they’re constantly telling you that you’re remembering things incorrectly, and they take credit for doing everything in the relationship.
If you see any of these warning signs that identify manipulation in your relationship, it’s time to leave the relationship and not look back. If you don’t feel safe trying to leave, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline for help at 800-799-7233.
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