What Does Resentment Mean For Your Relationship?

Resentment is a very complex feeling that can be incredibly detrimental to an otherwise healthy relationship. It may occur when one partner feels like they are doing more than the other to maintain the home or if one partner feels they aren't getting enough of the other's time.

If you are experiencing resentment in your relationship, it may be time to address it and come up with a plan to overcome it. You and your partner may need to work hard to rebuild a relationship free of resentment. If you let the resentment and contempt in your relationship build-up, you may risk permanently damaging or ending your relationship.

What is resentment in a relationship?

Resentment in a relationship may result from one or both partners feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, or forced to accept something under unfair circumstances. Sometimes it may mean you aren’t feeling empathy from your partner. You may feel undervalued or unrecognized due to a situation or event or a series of these events that have built up.

Many things that make us feel resentful start out small. You might have said something about your needs not being met. After nothing changed for a while, the feelings may have started to snowball. You may become bitter or angry because you feel there was unfair treatment.

Having a child is one example of a major life change that can bring about resentment. Once a child has been brought into the home, partners may compare the amount of work they are each doing and feel like there is a disparity. This can cause difficulties in the partnership such as arguing—or feelings of resentment.

However, an argument doesn’t necessarily need to take place for feelings of resentment to take root. Sometimes, a lack of communication, which can prevent arguments, may actually magnify feelings of resentment. You may begin to resent your partner for not knowing something was wrong or trying to fix it, even though you never spoke up about what has been bothering you.

The good news is, no matter the reasons for your feelings of resentment, with effort, empathy for your partner, and attention to your relationship, it is possible to get past it.

The negative effects of resentment

Feelings of resentment can be incredibly damaging and toxic to a relationship. Here are some ways they may negatively impact a partnership:

• Impaired communication

• Lack of empathy

• Reduced intimacy

• Reduced interest in spending time together

• Inability to understand one another’s feelings

• Competing for the spotlight

• Passive-aggressive behavior

Impaired communication

When feelings of resentment occur in a relationship, it may affect communication. When you feel undervalued or unappreciated, it may deter you from wanting to talk to your partner. Alternatively, you may have already attempted to start a conversation and found your feelings were minimized or unheard. This can exacerbate your frustration and resentment toward your partner, ultimately making problems worse.

Over time, this lack of communication can cause bigger issues in your relationship. If you aren’t talking to your partner, small issues are much more likely to snowball into larger problems. To ensure this doesn't happen, or to overcome issues before feelings of resentment arise, it may be important to practice healthy communication and active listening with your partner.

If you would like to improve or overcome your communication issues but aren’t sure where to start, therapy may be able to help. A trained couples therapist can identify your issues and provide advice and strategies that may help you get back on track and improve your relationship.

Lack of empathy

When resentment is present in a relationship, it may bring about a lack of empathy between partners. Many people find it difficult to understand—or have a lack of desire to understand—their partner’s emotions when they feel resentment. This may be because they feel they were treated unfairly, are being misunderstood, or have been ignored.

A lack of empathy may cause further problems in a relationship if it is not addressed. It may affect communication, as well as hinder your ability to support your partner through good times and bad. This may make it difficult for couples to connect authentically.

Reduced sex drive

Feelings of resentment can negatively impact attraction and intimacy in a relationship. Both emotional and physical intimacy are very important aspects of most romantic relationships. Intimacy makes us feel loved and reminds us why we chose the partner we did. It can facilitate a strong bond and connection with our partner. A lack of intimacy may cause one or both partners to feel lonely—and to potentially seek intimacy outside the relationship. It’s important to mention that most relationships go through periods where the level of intimacy goes through highs and lows. Fortunately, with a bit of effort from both partners, it is completely possible to improve intimacy in a relationship.

Reduced interest in spending time together

Resentment is a complex emotion and can breed feelings of contempt for your partner. If you are experiencing a reduced interest in spending time together, it may be due to feelings of resentment. Quality time in a relationship is important, and if resentment is causing you to spend less time together, it may be something that needs to be worked on.

Competing for the spotlight

Couples who feel the need to compete for the spotlight—with the intention of being heard—may cause resentment in a relationship.

Resentment is often caused by feeling unappreciated or misunderstood in the relationship. Many times, if both people are feeling this way, they may compete to be right or to be understood. However, to improve the relationship and overcome the need to compete, communication can be key. Practicing active listening and empathy when your partner is talking or needs support may be crucial.

Passive-aggressive behaviors

Because of the lack of communication and empathy caused by feelings of resentment, couples may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors. The feelings you have inside may have been suppressed so long that you aren’t comfortable expressing them outright anymore. So, instead, you may display your resentment in other ways. You may make cutting remarks, freeze your partner out, or try to make them feel guilty about the way they are acting. There are many ways to exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors, and none of them are likely to help solve a case of resentment.

Work through relationship obstacles in online therapy

If you're experiencing feelings of resentment in your relationship, it’s important to know you are not alone. If you’d like to overcome these negative feelings and improve your relationship, a professional therapist may be able to help. Regain is an online therapy platform specializing in relationship concerns. The platform makes it simple and convenient to get in touch with someone on your time, as soon as you are ready. They offer couples and individual therapy, and the interface makes it easy to connect with a licensed therapist who best suits your needs. They can provide guidance to get to the bottom of your relationship concerns and tools to overcome them.

Online therapy has become a great way for couples to work on improving their relationship.  It can be just as effective as in-person therapy and is often more convenient. It can be difficult to work around multiple schedules and get to a physical location to meet with a therapist. Online therapy can take place at home and can be timed to work with everyone's schedule.

If you are experiencing resentment in your relationship and want to overcome it, it’s vital that you address it. If you are willing to reach out and get the help you need, you can improve your relationship and strengthen your bond. Continue reading below for reviews of Regain therapists from individuals who have experienced similar concerns and were able to overcome them.

Counselor reviews

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference in our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”