Perfectionist: Traits And Signs Of Those Aiming For Perfection

On the surface, a perfectionist may seem completely preoccupied with being the best and with doing everything right. They may also give the impression that things need to be "a certain way" for it to be "right" and ask others to follow suit. This includes demanding from themselves and others around them a flawless or extremely high level of performance that exceeds what it necessary in any given situation. However, underneath the outward drive for perfectionism is a person who may be managing an intense fear of failure along with an increased risk for anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

In this article, we will elaborate on the definition of perfectionism and help you identify common traits. You will also learn how living with perfectionism affects mental health, especially in those who do not recognize they are managing it. Lastly, you will explore self-management strategies that help to improve the impact of perfectionism in your life. 

What is perfectionism?

Some people are motivated to work hard, and they strive to be their best. This can include maintaining a successful career, reaching certain goals in a sport or other competitive field, or keeping excellent health of the body and mind. Perfectionism, however, is interpreting these needs for success or "perfection" to excess, in an attempt to achieve excellence beyond what is truly necessary. Perfectionists set extremely high standards for themselves and sometimes even for other people in their lives. These excessive standards, while impossible to reach, perpetuates a highly critical attitude of themselves and others.

Perfectionism has been shown to increase psychological distress in individuals managing it. Further, people with perfectionism have a higher risk of developing anxiety, depressive disorders and eating disorders. One reason for this increased risk stems from the extremely high standards they expect from themselves and the distress that results when these expectations are not met.  Fortunately, the tendency for perfectionism can be transformed by mental health support that builds resilience and self-esteem. Before this change can occur, a person needs to recognize this trait within themselves and how it is affecting their quality of life (and others around them). The next section explains the different types of perfectionism to help clarify the distinct ways it can present. 

Types of perfectionism

Psychologists refer to perfectionism as an achievement and personality trait that is characterized by a combination of excessive high standards and hyper critical self-evaluations. While each person is unique in how perfectionism presents in their lives, there are distinct patterns that psychologists have used to categorize this trait into the following three types:

Self-oriented perfectionism

This is the most common type of perfectionism that comes to mind when people hear the term. Those who experience self-oriented perfectionism set incredibly high standards for themselves, whether that may be an unhealthy focus on their appearance and going to extreme lengths to reach those goals. They may also  have such high expectations for their station in life and the desire for certain achievements that they insist on overworking themselves to accomplish those tasks.

Self-oriented perfectionists are overly critical of themselves and of every choice that they make. This criticism can lead to feelings of depression due to not being able to successfully do all that they strive to accomplish, which can lead to feelings of loss and failure.  The struggle to achieve an impossible set of tasks can also increase anxiety from the fear of not being able to accomplish even minor tasks with perfect precision and success. Procrastination can be common before starting a task or project because they have set such high standards and are afraid of not meeting them (lest they disappoint themselves even further). Self-oriented perfectionism often comes with misplaced feelings of inadequacy and failure.

Socially prescribed perfectionism

While self-oriented perfectionism comes from your standards concerning yourself, socially prescribed perfectionism is driven by the need to please others because of the perceived expectations one has based upon those around them. People with this type of perfectionism persistently worry about what others may think of them. This can be based on their job performance, their appearance, or other factors that may lead to them being rejected in some way. These constant worries about not being perfect enough to fit in or be accepted can also cause anxiety.

Often, socially prescribed perfectionism ties in with "societal" views and perceptions. People who are managing this variation are excessively focused upon meeting the demands of what their society and culture seem to glorify and find the most acceptable and preferable of traits or accomplishments.

Other-oriented perfectionism

This type of perfectionism focuses on projecting unreasonably high standards onto others. At one time or another, many of us have probably known someone who seems to think they have no problems within themselves but expect a lot out of others and insist upon projecting their ideas of how you or somebody else needs to be. These individuals are often highly judgmental and can be controlling when given the opportunity.

People with other-oriented perfectionism may place their demands and need for perfection onto their family relatives, their friends, people they work with, and even their partners when they are in a relationship. A coworker may constantly try to tell you how to do your job, a parent or other family relative may insist they know what's best for your life and try to dictate your choices for you, or your partner may even nitpick and push you to make changes on how to be "better" to meet their specific ideas of what perfection may be.

While perfectionism directed inward at oneself may be incredibly destructive to that individual, other-oriented perfectionism can lead to some very toxic relationships with others.

Common traits of perfectionists

The different types of perfectionism may be presented in slightly different manners due to where the focus may lie for the individual experiencing it. Still, there are quite a few common traits a person may exhibit or feel when striving for perfection in some area of their life.

Low self-esteem 

A person with perfectionism self-esteem is often determined by their accomplishments and by others' perceptions of them. When they cannot reach their own or society's specific idea of "perfection" in whichever aspect of their life is most significant to them, they feel defeated and inadequate, leading to depression and low self-esteem. Perfection is not truly obtainable, so when their self-image and self-confidence rely on them achieving such, it is understandable that they will not be satisfied with themselves or their accomplishments thus far.

Highly critical 

It goes without saying that a person wanting to be perfect has an eye for detail and can be highly judgmental and critical about both themselves and others. If it is not "perfect" to them, they will generally have some strong opinions on what can be done to make something (or someone) much better. Accordingly, they are often dissatisfied because they focus on mistakes and imperfections regardless of how well a goal or task is achieved or completed.

Procrastination and trouble finishing tasks

As mentioned above, some perfectionists are also procrastinators because they fear not doing something well enough to meet their own or someone else's standards, so it often feels safer not even to start. This procrastination is related to another trait – difficulty in finishing a task or project due the expectation it can always be better. It is extremely challenging for them to fully finish a task or project because they are unable to become satisfied with the level of quality or perceived excellence in the task at hand..

Unrealistic standards for yourself or others 

Perfection is subjective and therefore not obtainable in nearly all cases, so a perfectionist's standards for themselves or those around them are simply unrealistic and not possible. This can lead to unreasonable expectations and negative behaviors. 

"All or nothing" thinking 

Perfectionism can cause “black-or-white” thinking because they are unable to accept anything less than their idea of perfection. "Nearly perfect" or "close enough" is unacceptable for them and equates to complete failure since they did not achieve their idea of what perfect was. This black-and-white thinking makes it very difficult for them to perceive a middle ground between good and bad or perfect and completely wrong.

Fear of failure

This fear ties in strongly with a perfectionist's tendency to procrastinate and is linked with the anxiety they often experience. This fear of failure may be an indication that they  know they cannot achieve such unrealistic standards in whichever area of their life their perfectionism seems to dictate.

What causes perfectionism?

There are quite a few contributing factors to an individual developing perfectionism, and these generally all occur within the earlier years of their lives.

Those raised in controlling or abusive circumstances as a child may have grown to believe that their self-worth (or self-preservation) depended only upon satisfying certain criteria for their caretakers or others that they looked up to or relied on, which can linger far into adulthood. They become obsessed with perfection within themselves and about their goals because they have been conditioned to believe that it is the only way to become accepted by others or to be loved by anyone.

Cultural expectations and the influence of perfectionistic relatives or other figures in one's early years of development can also contribute to a lifestyle based upon focusing on achievements and striving for perfection. It would have been viewed as what was "normal" and have become instilled as a way of life within the individual.

As a person reaches school age, perfectionism can also be set off by bullying and being told they are lesser as a person or inadequate in some way.  These adverse experiences can lead to them aiming for perfection in certain areas of their lives to receive acceptance by their peers, parents and family members, culture, or society in general.

Other conditions related to perfectionism

When a person's perfectionism spirals out of control, it can lead to the development of  of a more serious nature, some of which are the following:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Social anxiety
• Chronic stress
• Eating disorders
• Body dysmorphic disorder
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Substance abuse

How perfectionism impacts daily life

Some may argue that perfectionism can be a beneficial trait that would encourage a person to strive to be their best. It can be a good thing when it's in moderation and shortcomings or criticism are viewed as an opportunity for learning and improvement. Much of the time, though, perfectionism causes far more problems and woe than is healthy. Not only can perfectionism lead to more serious mental health concerns in the long term, but it can affect several areas in a person's life even before that point, as well as afterward.

Hesitant to try new things

Someone who manages perfectionism often spends a significant amount of their time either procrastinating out of a fear of failure or by being hyper-focused on trying to perfect every last detail of a project or goal. This intense focus prevents them from having the time to explore other opportunities that could lead to new projects, new interests, or even the chance for more positive experiences in their lives and activities.

Interferes with enjoying life

It is also hard for a perfectionist to enjoy their life when they are weighing perceived imperfections and failures on a daily basis. They find it extremely difficult to engage in a task or experience without their perfectionism also playing a part and causing them to nitpick and obsess over the details. The average person who enjoys playing video games may enjoy the game and unwind after a long day. In contrast, a perfectionist may obsess over their scores or acquiring certain achievements so badly that they stress themselves incredibly when trying to accomplish such. 

Limits on creativity

The limitations of perfectionism also impair a person's ability to find things that they like or enjoy because they are hyper focused on performance. Thus, they may be unable to explore and experiment freely or even fully dive into their creativity. An individual who tries to learn something new can open up an entire world of possibilities for themselves. In contrast, the person restricted by their perfectionist tendencies will remain concerned with making mistakes and fixing flaws that they may avoid attempting anything new that could result in a mistake or failure.  This can cause plenty of missed opportunities.

Impairs personal growth 

Perfectionism can also be self-sabotaging by preventing the individual from receiving constructive criticism and feedback that could be beneficial in helping them improve their skills and other traits. This is due to the overarching concern about flaws and the mental distress these perceived weakness causes.  While they are hiding these flaws, they may not be able to grow, improve, or change to allow themselves the opportunity to reach goals and advance in the workplace. 

How perfectionism impacts relationships

The developmental years in a child's life are often when their potential for perfectionistic behaviors later initially begins. Many parents want a child to do well in school and in the other activities they may participate in when growing up, but this can often be pushed to the extremes to the point that anything "less than perfect" (whether grades or performance in other areas) is deemed acceptable. This places an immense amount of pressure on a child and reinforces the feeling that their parents' love and acceptance depends solely upon their abilities to do everything "perfectly." Whether this is perceived or is genuinely the case in some circumstances, this mindset will often persist with them well into adulthood and even for the rest of their lives, and unhealthy relationships with one's caretakers as a child have been shown to adversely affect a person's relationships in adulthood.

Toxic relationships

Perfectionists may find themselves trapped in an abusive or toxic relationship due to their perceived imperfections and their partner exploiting this mentality to emotionally control and belittle them, further damaging their low self-esteem and placing them in an unwinnable situation. On the other hand, someone with perfectionist tendencies may be toxic to the relationship (whether they realize it or not) by placing high demands on their partner in a relationship. They may also criticize their every action or insist upon unattainable requirements and threaten to leave them if they do not follow through.

The perfect partner

Feeling that love and acceptance from others can only be won or earned by being "perfect" can lead to many complications in a person's later relationships, whether familial, romantic, or workplace. Even friendships may be affected, depending upon the type of perfectionism a person is prone to experiencing. It can be difficult to maintain healthy relationships when focused on perfection because there is no perfect relationship. They may try to change their partner in completely unfair ways, end relationships without trying to work on them as equals, or even remain alone because no one else is "good enough" to meet their standards.

Marriage

In marriages, this can lead to infidelity if a spouse feels like their partner eventually lacks something that once made them seem perfect. They are no longer meeting the preferred criteria. It's not uncommon to hear about a husband cheating on his trophy wife after she "let herself go" after having a child, for example. Success can also play a part in this, such as the perfectionist wanting to be the best and feeling threatened by their spouse's successes in life. It worsens that individual's insecurities and can cause problems in the relationship when a perfectionist struggles with being happy for another person achieving their goals while not meeting their standards themselves.

Intimacy

Intimacy is also impacted when a perfectionist may have ideas about how their physical relationship with their partner "should" be compared to others' experiences or even fictional scenarios. They may be unable to find satisfaction when those requirements are not met. This can also tie into body image and feelings of inadequacy that can impact this relationship area.

Authenticity in relationships

A relationship depends upon honesty and having a deep connection with another person. The perfectionist's need to cover their flaws and mistakes can also lead to the inability to truly have an open and honest relationship with another because they are likely to hide things about themselves. When a person is unable to admit to their flaws or voice their insecurities due to fear of not appearing perfect, it is difficult to be yourself and maintain a balanced and healthy relationship with someone else, especially long-term. Communication is key to making any relationship work, and perfectionism highly impairs this freedom to speak openly and be your true self.

Getting perfectionism under control

There may be no instant "cure" for perfectionism. Still, there are steps that one can take to help cope with the underlying causes of their perfectionistic behaviors and get on the right track to having a healthy and fulfilling life. A perfectionist cannot simply be told to stop being critical and quit being the way they are, but reducing the fears of failure and rejection attached to these behaviors is the best method of resolving most of the concerns.

Self-awareness

Become aware of your perfection-fueled behaviors. You can't change something you aren't aware of, but once you notice the traits and actions stemming from your need for perfection, you can begin the process of changing those habits. This provides a great opportunity to deepen and strengthen relationships with those close to you by asking for honest opinions and input about how your behaviors may be affecting them.

Negative to positive thoughts

Work on negative self-talk. Perfectionists always beat themselves up, worrying over not being "good enough" or fearing rejection from others when they can't meet unreasonable standards. Learn to accept mistakes and failures, use them as building blocks for improvement, and focus on the positive and achievements you've made thus far! You have your entire life to get better at something and improve on how you want to be, so realize that it may take some time to reach your goals and fully implement the changes you desire to make.

Pros and cons list

Write down the pros and cons list. No matter how productive you may think you're being when aiming for perfection, the extreme focus and habits associated with perfectionism are likely taking a toll on your life in some areas and possibly many. Make a list of the pros and cons of how your mind is affecting your productivity, your job, your life, and your relationships. Becoming aware of these factors can help you see the impact this mindset has and help you feel more motivated to start making changes for the better.

Be patient with yourself

Slow down and take baby steps when working on your habits. Perfectionists can often only focus on the goal and nothing else, but there is much to be learned along the way when starting to make changes. Try to slow down and make changes one or a few at a time to avoid being overwhelmed and to make sure the changes you're trying to make are being done effectively and in a way that will last. This also should be applied to your tasks in general, so you're able to be more productive regularly instead of being completely consumed by stress and anxiety when trying to do something quickly and feel pressured.

Embrace constructive criticism

Learn to accept and implement criticism. The last thing a perfectionist wants is for someone to find anything in their work or their life that needs to be "better." Still, you can't improve and grow as a person without being open to constructive criticism and learning to see things from the actual perspectives of others. Criticism can be an asset when honing a skill or talent or even when working on yourself.

Self-acceptance

Learn to accept "good enough." Honestly, no one is perfect, and everyone is human. We make mistakes and sometimes fall short, but that doesn't mean that everything we do and everything about us is bad or unacceptable. Perfectionists need to learn that their demands are often simply impossible to fulfill and that "good enough" can be completely okay rather than wasting time and energy stressing over every single detail.

Let go of comparisons

Stop comparing yourself to others. This can be beneficial when done healthily, but perfectionists need to stop worrying so much about others' accomplishments and progress and focus on their own. If they want to become better, the scale they need to judge themselves should be improved based on how they are personally and what they've done so far on their own. Everyone has different talents and abilities, and skill levels in these areas, and beating yourself up over striving to be like someone else can be problematic. Judge yourself based on how far you've improved compared to yourself; if you had a skill you wanted to improve, and you've practiced and worked hard to better yourself in that area and then succeeded even by a small amount, that's progress, and you've done well!

Getting professional help

While it may seem strange to try at first, practicing self-compassion is the pathway to free you from the weight of perfectionism in your life. There is nothing wrong with wanting to attain excellence in whatever you are pursuing in life. In fact, it is something that drives many people to accomplish great things. However, one must practice self-compassion while striving for their goals, accepting the mistakes you make and value what you learned from failing. 

If you are managing perfectionism because of childhood adversities, societal expectations placed on you, or for your own personal reasons, finding this self-compassion may feel close to impossible. You can find this self-acceptance with the help of a therapist. You may have learned to feel shame when you made mistakes growing up, but you can relearn this past and find beauty in your imperfections. In therapy, you will have the opportunity to work through the reasons why you place these extreme expectations on yourself and find the courage to accept yourself exactly as you are.  

If you are having a difficult time reaching out to a therapist because you do not have the time to make appointments or the act of traveling to and from an office only increases your stress, consider online therapy. You may find it easier to plan a session online at a time that is convenient for you and in a comfortable space of your choosing. Furthermore, research has shown that online therapy is equally as effective in helping treat mental health as in-person therapy. 

Regain is available on whatever schedule works best for you and from the comfort of your home, workplace, or wherever you may be when the opportunity arises that you need to speak with somebody. Do not hesitate to reach out and get the help and support that you deserve and need to help get your life back on track.

Takeaway

If you or someone you are close to is struggling with perfectionism, it is likely taking a toll on your quality of life and the relationships within it. Fortunately, you have opportunities to transform your life and use your personal drive for excellence in ways that benefit you, as opposed to keeping you from taking risks and making mistakes. When you are ready, reach out for support.