What Is An Acceptable Age Difference In A Relationship?

Age differences in relationships can be difficult to navigate; some consider age differences a reason for celebration, while others consider them a significant reason for concern. It can be important for boundaries in a relationship to be clearly and openly defined, and this includes age gaps. Different types of relationships may thrive more effectively when the individuals have more or less of an age difference. It can also depend on what each person wants out of the relationship. Is there a single, distinct age difference that is acceptable for a relationship? Let’s find out.

What constitutes a significant age difference?

If you're dating someone older or younger than you, you might have heard about acceptable age differences. A significant age difference might differ based on the ages of the people involved. In adulthood, for instance, a 3-year age gap is fairly standard. As a teenager, however, there is a stark difference between a 13-year-old and a 16-year-old. In adulthood, these small numbers are usually not considered an issue. Even 5-7 years usually get by without a second glance. As the difference inches closer to 8 years or more, though, most people begin to see the difference in age as a more significant one, and one that has the potential to be more problematic. However, every relationship is different. 

Age and relationships: What is an acceptable age difference?

It can be difficult to put an exact number on what is and is not an acceptable age difference; every relationship is different and impacted by an age gap in various ways.  What might be a strange pairing in one couple makes perfect sense for another. With that being said, there is one instance in which no amount of age difference is acceptable: when a child is involved. If someone is under 18 and an older person is interested in or pressing for a relationship, this is always a red flag: children are children, no matter what their driver’s license says, and violating that boundary is unacceptable. It should be noted that many people consider you a child past the official age of adulthood, as 18 and 19 continue to seem extremely young and inexperienced; 20, too, can fall into this category.

For those who’d like to put a number to things, usually, a gap of 1-7 years can be considered an acceptable age difference between adults. People whose ages are within 1-3 years typically do not see much of an age difference, while years 4-7 might begin to feel a little bit more pronounced. Even then, though, most people do not find any significant differences between these years. As far as development, fertility, and overall health are concerned, there are not usually any large differences between adults-especially adults who are 21 and older. 

However, peak reproductive years for a woman are between the late teens and late 20s. By one’s 30s, fertility begins to decline, and this decline speeds up even more by 35. By age 45, it can be difficult or impossible to become pregnant. Fertility could factor into a relationship, particularly one in which there’s an age difference and one or both people want children. 

Acceptable age differences can also range from place to place, person to person, and situation to situation. Someone who is 28, for instance, and tries to pursue a relationship with an 18-year-old might experience some pushback. A 32-year-old, conversely, who enters a relationship with a 25-year-old, might not receive as much ire.

Age gap relationships can be tough and can present some internal difficulties and even controversy for a couple. When determining whether or not an age difference is a cause for concern, safety and comfort can be paramount. If you or your partner at any point express discomfort or fear with regard to your age difference and what that might entail, it might be time to reconsider your pairing. 

A younger person might fear, for instance, that they will be pressured into parenthood sooner than they would like because their partner is ready to be a parent. An older person might be worried about flitting about from place to place because they are ready to settle down and settle into their lives. These are not definitively an issue within relationships with large age differences, but they do provide some insight into one of the problems with significant age gaps: you are likely to be at a different place in your life than someone much older or much younger than you and entering into a relationship could place a lot of pressure on you to adapt to their way of living. Some adaptation in a relationship is healthy, but a lot of change can signal a mismatch.

Are there any warning signs in age differences?

Some date someone close to their age, while others date people much younger or older than they are. Some might say that age is just a number, but this is not always the case. The younger you are, the more likely you are to be malleable and easily swayed, which some partners can find appealing. Older individuals may like partners who are younger than them because youth is associated with beauty. While younger people might be more prone to accepting poor treatment, older individuals might have been through more and created more concrete boundaries and limits. Further, some people get an ego boost when they’re dating or in a relationship with someone younger who could seemingly go after and get anyone they’d like. 

None of these reasons for dating indicate a sincere interest in or love for another person; instead, they may reflect insecurities, pride, and a sense of ownership. These qualities can point to problems in a relationship; although feeling insecure, feeling a sense of pride, and taking ownership of your relationship are all perfectly fine, living in these states constantly might not be healthy.

Age differences can also create unequal balances of power in a relationship. One person in the partnership might adopt behavior closer to an older sibling or parent than a partner, and that particular partner might make all the decisions. Although not all couples with large age differences will experience these issues, an imbalance of power is not uncommon in age gap relationship. It could be a cause of concern or warrant further consideration.

The danger of “mature for your age”

One of the most common phrases used to justify large age differences is this: an individual is “mature for their age,” which is then considered a legitimate reason to pursue a relationship, despite a significant age difference. Although this can be used in any pairing, it is commonly used by older people who may seek to take advantage of someone younger. This phrase could also be used to justify a pairing that would otherwise be frowned upon or considered inappropriate or predatory. 

Although biological age doesn’t mean everything, your biological makeup does speak to where you are in your mental and emotional development. The neurological and cognitive development of an 18-year-old is not on par with that of a 30-year-old man. However, some research suggests that emotional maturity and standard maturity are not necessarily the same. Research states that emotional maturity in men is years later than in women. Ultimately, “mature for your age” means you act older than your age. If your true age is considered too young to be with someone, no amount of maturity or older-seeming behavior can make up for that.

Online counseling with Regain

Age gap relationships can be complex. Some issues can be resolved through more effective communication or therapeutic intervention, while others cannot be resolved and indicate the need for either a breakup or a compromise. If you feel as though you are out of options or unsure what to do, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can guide you through your options and help you gain clarity in determining what you want. The online therapists from Regain can offer therapy in either a single setting or a couple’s setting. You can choose a variety of methods from which to connect including phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging. Working with a couples counselor through Regain can help you gain more clarity regarding your situation and help you move forward in a healthy way.

The efficacy of online counseling

Online counseling can be helpful in addressing a variety of mental health concerns. In an analysis of 17 separate studies, researchers found that electronically-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was just as effective as face-to-face interventions during the treatment of depression. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a therapeutic framework that teaches people how to reevaluate their cognitive distortions and replace them with more helpful thinking patterns.

Takeaway

Age differences can be difficult to navigate. Whether you are interested in someone whose age is significantly different from your own, or you are already involved in a relationship with a large age gap, there can be obstacles to consider that couples with similar ages might not face. Speaking with an online therapist can help you navigate some of these issues and cultivate an atmosphere of clear, open communication. Still, there may be some instances in which age differences are too much to overcome. There is not a definitive number that makes an age difference acceptable or unacceptable, but there are qualities within a relationship that can make it viable or non-viable, such as trust, consideration, respect, and kindness. You and your partner deserve a healthy relationship, regardless of your age difference.