What Is An Emotional Bank Account? How To Use It And Make Deposits

Have you ever felt like you fought about meaningless things with your partner? Are you worried about whether they filled the dishwasher or took the dog on a walk? The things that normally aren't a big deal could now result in big fights. What's going on here?

The Gottman Institute says: "After studying thousands of couples in our Love Lab… we discovered that most couples aren't fighting about specific topics." Instead, they may be expressing a lack of intimacy. In some cases, they might not even know they're doing it. And being aware of the other person's emotional bank account can help.

So what is an emotional bank account? And how can this concept help with relationship healing?

What is an emotional bank account?

Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, coined the term. An Emotional Bank Account, in his words, "is the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship." It's how reliable we think another person is.

Unfortunately, trust may not be built overnight. And once you've earned it, that doesn't always mean you'll have it indefinitely. Trust might not be an award you win once and get to keep forever. That's why Covey uses the bank account metaphor. A bank account is interactive. It's an always-changing dynamic.

In any bank account, there are two types of transactions: deposits and withdrawals. The idea is to make more deposits than withdrawals. And the deposits should be in larger amounts than the withdrawals.

How can knowing about the emotional bank account benefit relationships?

Some people make the mistake of thinking about trust as something you only need to earn once. Especially once you’ve been friends for a long time or you’re in a long-term relationship, you may begin to take this other person for granted. It’s common for couples to get caught up in life and forget about other things.

The benefits of investing in other people's emotional bank accounts

Below are some potential benefits of investing in someone else’s emotional bank account:

• Feeling more connected
• Having a higher sense of intimacy
• Boosted trust
• Increased feelings of love and appreciation for each other

Filling another person's bank account might not just be for their benefit alone. When they feel more loved and connected, they might send those feelings back to you. So in return, they can also fill your bank account. It can be a mutual benefit.

What exercises can I use to make deposits in people's emotional bank accounts?

There can be a lot of ways to make deposits in other people's bank accounts. In Stephen Covey's book, he names six of them.

• Understanding the individual
• Keeping commitments
• Clarifying expectations
• Attending to little things
• Showing personal integrity
• Apologizing when we make a withdrawal

In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman says there are five ways people may prefer to feel loved. Each person may have a primary love language out of the five (and sometimes a secondary one).

Find out your partner's primary love language and make deposits that fit with that love language. The five love languages are words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, acts of service, or quality time.

Making diverse deposits

Add some diversity in the way you show love, even if you think you know their love language. Some types of deposits may have bigger impacts than others, so it's good to see in what ways you can move the relationship forward. Love and trust can go hand in hand, so even if you're working to build a platonic relationship, you can still use their love language to influence the deposits you make. Most types of trust exercises can work as a deposit in the emotional bank account.

Seek to understand

This one is all about listening, which might be the simplest and most overlooked exercise on this list. Listening isn't only about using your ears.

Use your body language to express that you're listening. Turn towards them and lean in. Make eye contact and nod. Really listen. Don't listen to respond; listen to show your support.

If giving your full attention to each other is a struggle, set aside one evening each week to reconnect. Turn off all distractions and focus on each other. Take turns talking about how your week went. And then talk about how you want your next week to go. These chats may not only make you feel closer together, but they can be a helpful tool for personal growth. You can voice your problems and goals so that you can feel supported and move forward.

Keep commitments

Respect other people's time. Especially the busy people in your life. Going on a date is often the first step in a romantic relationship, so being on time shows that you care about others.

If you're someone who loses track of time a lot or can be forgetful, help yourself out. Create a habit of writing down all your appointments in a calendar.

Keeping commitments shows your partner and everyone you make plans with that you care about them. You make an effort to show up on time because you respect and appreciate their company, and you take your relationships seriously.

 Clarify expectations

Having clear expectations for each other often means communicating. When other people don't treat us the way we expect in a relationship, that can cause trust to erode. It may be your responsibility to lay out your expectations upfront. It might feel awkward, but most people will likely appreciate it. They might not have to guess what their role will be in your life.

It can go the other way too. We can get so caught up in our own experiences that we forget that other people see the world differently. Even if you think you know what's expected of you, ask questions. Knowing where you stand can remove uncertainty. With more certainty can come less anxiety.

If expectations aren't met, be sure to let the other person know. For example, if one person expressed that they wanted to be in a closed relationship and flirted with other people, it might breach the expectation. The hurt party should let the other person know that trust was damaged and a withdrawal was made to their emotional bank account.

Confrontation can be uncomfortable, but a relationship typically needs outlets in order to thrive. Being passive-aggressive and holding in emotions can cause greater damage in the long run. 

Confrontation doesn't always mean a fight. All it means is that you want to talk. If they don't know they didn't know something hurtful, they can't make amends, and their actions may continue.

Attend to the "little things"

As we talked about at the beginning of this article, sometimes it's the little things that become the scapegoat for a bigger, underlying problem. When you pay attention to what other people need and do things not because you have to, it can mean the world to other people.

Next time you notice a chore your partner usually does piling up, spend a few minutes putting it straight. They may notice the act of love. It can be a simple yet powerful way to build trust.

Show personal integrity

This one can be boiled down to the saying: Practice what you preach. Integrity can be about having a moral code and sticking to it. What do you believe in? What are your core values? If you say you value following through on commitments, then live it.

Let's say you agree to volunteer at a charity event. When you show up, that can speak volumes about your character. You've shown that you do value following through on commitments. And that builds trust because, in your relationships, other people will trust you when you make commitments to them.

Honesty is also a big part of integrity. Even if honesty isn't one of your core values, it can be intertwined with integrity. Integrity is about living the way you say you will. If you don't walk the way you talk, then that goes hand in hand with not being honest.

Be honest as often as you can, not only when it's convenient for you. The more open you can be in your relationships, the more trust and respect it will build. They may not always like the honest answers you give, but they'll trust what you have to say from your consistency.

 Apologize for withdrawals

Withdrawals can't be avoided altogether. You're going to make mistakes. That's part of life. Be mindful of withdrawal patterns and when you violate trust, make time to apologize.

Sincere apologies include three elements:

• A Statement Of Regret For What Happened.
• A Clear "I'm Sorry" Statement.
• A Request For Forgiveness.

Acknowledge the harm it did to the other person. And focus on them rather than yourself. Typically, a thoughtful apology is better than a fast apology.

What if I’ve damaged their emotional bank account beyond an apology?

Some situations are complicated and too hard for us to deal with on our own. In this case, seek out the help of a trusted friend or relationship therapist. ReGain is an online platform with hundreds of trained and experienced therapists. They all have different backgrounds so you can find someone who suits your needs.

ReGain has therapists who offer couples and solo therapy. All sessions are held in the comfort of your home, so you won't have to worry if the therapist you choose lives hundreds of miles away. You can talk to them in the safe and relaxing environment of your own home.

Filling your emotional bank account

Investing in other people's emotional bank accounts can be a lofty order. That's why it can be so important to have a strong support system. A therapist can be the person you need in your corner. As you're taking care of others, make sure to take care of yourself, too. When you take care of yourself, you can better take care of others. That means filling your emotional bank account too.

Once you get used to adding to other people's emotional bank accounts, it can become second nature to you. You can earn trust faster and keep relationships stronger. Practice these exercises and the ones you come up with on your own to figure out what works for your life.

Benefits of online couples therapy

Whether you’re noticing financial stress, or dealing with other issues in your relationship, online therapy can help. In fact, 95% of couples in couples therapy claim that the process has been helpful. Another study found that online therapy tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy. This is especially true when you factor in all the money saved on transportation, childcare, time off work, etc.

Takeaway

An emotional bank account might not be what you expected, but it certainly can be a useful way of thinking to keep in mind as you approach your relationship and divisions of labor. Ensure that you nurture your love and relationship, and if you ever encounter troubles along the way, know that you can reach out to ReGain and speak to a certified couples counselor who can help.