What Is Emotional Detachment And How Does It Affect Relationships?

An emotional connection is an important foundation in a healthy relationship. This connection should be mutual, centered in honesty, trust, and respect. But what happens when one or both partners shut down their emotions? Here’s a look at what emotional detachment is, how it can affect your relationship, and what you can do about it. 

What is emotional detachment?

Emotional detachment is not necessarily always a sign that someone is disconnected from their partner and distanced from the relationship. Sometimes, learning how to emotionally detach can be very positive, allowing you to keep your boundaries in stressful situations. However, in an intimate relationship, detaching emotionally from your significant other can be quite damaging. 

Symptoms of emotional detachment

When you the one who is emotionally detached, you have the ability to examine your thoughts and feelings and how you are keeping them from people close to you. However, if your partner is one who seems and detached from their emotions, you can only see certain clues. Here are some of the symptoms of emotional detachment you might notice in yourself and your partner.

• Feels and displays emotional numbness
• Never expresses worry
• Seems disinterested in what you say
• Shows apathy during disagreements
• Unaffected by your strong feelings
• Not interested in sex
• Avoids spending time with you
• Always puts what they need and want first
• Does nothing special to try to make you happy
• Doesn’t show physical affection
• Gives you the “silent treatment.”
• Will not engage with you to work on the relationship
• Gets angry when you try to break through to them
• Does not express emotions nor validate yours
• Lacks empathy
• Physically with you but emotionally removed
• Feels overwhelmed when emotions surface

What causes emotional detachment?

Emotional detachment does not happen without reason. Understanding where it comes from may be the first step in resolving the issue. Knowing about your partner’s past experiences or relationship history can explain why they are detached. For example, a painful or traumatic history can be a significantly contributing factor to someone becoming emotionally detached. People with a traumatic past learned to detach as a defense mechanism following distressing circumstances. Certain mental health disorders, such as major depressive disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder, can also cause a person to feel dissociated or emotionally detached from certain people and situations. 

If you are concerned that your partner’s emotional detachment is because of an undiagnosed mental health disorder, consider starting a conversation with them about the benefits of mental health therapy. There are several treatment options that can help improve underlying mental health issues, including psychotherapy to through past traumatic experiences. Therapy can help them learn how to open to others and may change the way they look at social or romantic relationships over time.

The following are some of the reasons why individuals are feeling disconnected from partner.

Past trauma or PTSD

People who have experienced traumatic events develop an emotional numbing response, especially when associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. At the time of the trauma, this may serve them well, allowing them to keep functioning in an extremely stressful situation. It may be a valid form of self-preservation at that moment. However, once the trauma is past, numbing is no longer beneficial. Yet, they may continue avoiding their emotions for years. This can lead to problems in all aspects of their life, and specifically, in relationships. Researchers studied this phenomenon and concluded that prior trauma commonly leads to decreased emotional awareness.

Improper role models for managing emotions

Children learn how to deal with emotions partly by watching how their parents react and regulate emotions. If your parent was quick to anger or sadness, you might be the same. On the other hand, if your parent never showed any emotion, empathy, or engagement, you would probably have difficulty doing so yourself. You might learn how to feel and express your emotions on your own eventually, or you might need help getting in touch with them.

Parents who are very strict or controlling may reprimand or even physically punish their children for showing emotion. If you or your partner grew up in a home where showing emotions was not allowed, or emotions were not dealt with in healthy ways, it isn’t surprising that you would have trouble feeling and expressing them now.

Fear of emotions

For any of a variety of reasons, you might fear emotions. Maybe you or someone else let their emotions get completely out of control, and their reaction frightened you. Or you might fear your emotions because you are worried that they will make you appear fragile or weak. If you are prone to anxiety, you might fear that you will become anxious whenever you feel strong emotions. Consequently, you avoid your emotions to avoid the uncomfortable symptoms that accompany anxiety.

Prior failed relationships

Someone who has had their heart broken may avoid getting close to their romantic partner. They may hold them at arm’s length to prepare for the day the relationship might be over. They try to connect, but their experience is always in the back of their mind, telling them that it’s dangerous to let their guard down.

How does emotional detachment affect your relationship?

This type of emotional detachment can be harmful to your or your partner’s mental wellbeing. Beyond that, it can have devastating effects on your relationship. When one or both partners experience emotional detachment or emotional withdrawal, it’s important to resolve the problem as soon as possible. Otherwise, you may find yourself in one of the following situations.

Doing all the emotional work alone

In a healthy relationship, problems that arise for one or both partners are worked on together out together. But when you are emotionally inept or emotionally detached (such as an ), it is extremely difficult to contribute to the resolution of the problem. The one interested and engaged in finding the solution will have to do it all on their own until their partner learns how to deal with their emotions and connect as a team.

Going through the motions

Have you ever known a couple that seemed to be completely in love and on the same page, but then they split up for no apparent reason? Sometimes, the reason that happens is that one or both were emotionally detached. Instead of working on the relationship and truly enjoying their time together, they were only going through the motions. They talked and acted the way they thought a happy couple should, but they were unable to develop any real intimacy.

Building resentment

As time goes by, resentments can build. If your partner is emotionally detached, you might try to break through their defenses in unhealthy ways. You might bait them, trying to get them to react. You might push them too hard to change, causing them to avoid their emotions even more. They may come to resent this even if they do not outwardly show it. Simultaneously, your resentment may also grow as you wait for them to connect with you in an authentic, intimate way.

Making poor decisions

Often, you need to know how your partner is feeling to decide what works well for both of you. Yet, if your partner is emotionally detached, you probably will not know anything about their emotions. The best you can do at the moment may be to take a guess. Unfortunately, guessing usually doesn’t work nearly as well as open communication. So, you make decisions based on faulty assumptions often.

Managing emotional detachment in your relationship

Emotional detachment is far from ideal for any couple. Fortunately,  there are several ways to manage this emotional detachment. Follow these suggestions to get your relationship on a better track.

Avoid acting out

You might become very frustrated and angry when trying to engage with an emotionally detached partner. There is nothing essential wrong with you having these negative feelings. However, you need to choose  healthy ways to express them. Physical or verbal aggression is never helpful in these situations. Beyond that, baiting them, pushing them, criticizing them, or trying to control them only makes your relationship unhealthier.

Get in touch with your own feelings

It is important to know how you feel about the relationship and the problems you face alone and together. Whether you have noticed detachment in your spouse or recognized it in yourself, you need to be as aware as you can be of your thoughts and emotions. You might be able to do this by journaling, practicing art, or doing other expressive activities. If not, you might need help from a therapist to better recognize and understand your emotions.

Find out what the cause is

If you can, get to the root of the emotional detachment. Think about your past experiences. Recognize the thoughts that come up when you are faced with a situation that can become emotionally charged. Notice how you respond to different situations and identify those that trigger your withdrawal. With all this information, you might be able to discern the source of your emotional detachment. However, this isn’t always an easy task, especially if it’s been this way for a long time. But a counselor can help you get to the bottom of the problem.

Set a few ground rules for communication

Before you try to talk to your partner about your feelings or theirs, start by talking about how you want to interact. You do not need to have a long discussion. Just set a few simple ground rules about how you will show respect for each other.

Ask how you can help

Too often, people who try to resolve these issues talk more than they listen. If you are ever going to overcome a detached relationship, give your partner equal time. Certainly, it is important to express yourself. But you also need to give them a chance to do the same. One way to do that is to ask them questions. If they are emotionally detached, they probably are not going to volunteer any information about their emotions. But if you ask them sincerely, respectful questions about what they are feeling, you may have more success.

Talk to a couples counselor

Couples’ counseling can help you deal with an emotionally detached partner. Or, if you are the one who feels shut off from your emotions, they can help you reconnect. Talking to a therapist together may be beneficial for both of you. Your counselor may also want to speak to each of you separately. And, if your partner is not willing to attend couples’ therapy with you, going alone may provide you the support and many of the answers you need. 

If your partner feels that couples therapy is the way to improve their emotional detachment issues or wants to work with you on yours, virtual therapy is a beneficial alternative to in-person therapy. Also, you can get help when it is most convenient for both of you. Research shows that when both partners are invested, online therapy can help address any relationship concerns and create long-lasting relationship satisfaction. The road to healthy emotional attachments may not always be smooth, but in the end, you may find that it’s completely worth the effort.

Counselor reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

When you are faced with a partner who is emotionally detached, you most likely are managing your own spectrum of emotions such as frustration, confusion, sadness, and possibly anger. However, when you understand the underlying reasons for this detachment, you are more able to approach your partner in love and take steps to help them to a healthy attachment style. If you are the one who is feeling emotionally distant, know there is help available in therapy. You only need to reach out for it.