What Is The 90 Day Rule In Dating? Knowing When To Become Intimate

The 90-day rule suggests that you should wait three months after you start dating someone before you have sex with them. While some people find it archaic and old-fashioned, for many, sex initiates bonds that are more complicated to breach. If this is the case for you, the 90-day rule is a great way to take a step back and determine whether you’re a good match before making a more significant sexual commitment. 

If you’ve decided to follow the 90-day rule in your dating life, telling your partner outright about your decision is the best way to approach it. If they have a problem with respecting your wishes, they wouldn’t likely be a good match anyway.  

Benefits of the 90-day rule

While following the rule for ninety days may be difficult, it can benefit you in many ways.

Feel more comfortable when you eventually decide to be intimate

Some people feel comfortable having casual sex with someone they don’t feel close to or know well. For others, the experience can be unpleasant because they’re doing it for reasons other than the desire to do it. 

If you aren’t sure or aren’t comfortable with casual sex, spending extra time with your partner before having sex can help bridge that gap and make you feel more comfortable when the time comes. 

Feel more in control

One goal of the rule is to feel more in control of your body and decisions. This sets you up to build a relationship between two strong people who respect each other’s boundaries. The relationship is more balanced for both of you.

What you can learn about your date over 90 days

This rule can end in the two of you developing a close, long-lasting relationship. Or it can lead to you learning things about your date that convince you the relationship isn’t right for you. It may also result in them giving up and leaving the relationship. Here are some things you can learn:

Are they willing to invest time in the relationship?

The rule is based on time. Time is a valuable commodity. If a person is willing to spend time developing the relationship before having sex, it says something about them and their view of the relationship. It may show that they’re patient, but it also reveals that they think the relationship is worth waiting for.

Researchers at the University College London, the University of Warwick, and the London School of Economics and Political Science studied how the concept of game theory can be used to assess how males and females behave during courtship. The research indicated that the length of a person’s dating efforts correlated to the courtship’s signal. 

Also, considering how many dates you go on before establishing a relationship is important because most individuals talk seriously about a relationship after 5-6 dates to be considered official. The study's authors suggested that these men were willing to care for their young when the sex led to having a child.

What do they do if they don’t get what they want?

One significant thing you’ll likely discover if you wait for sex is whether your potential partner is willing to wait- or not. You find out how they respond to the word “no.” This can also tell you how they will behave when you refuse other requests. If they have an angry outburst or try to manipulate you into having sex, it’s safe to conclude they have some unhealthy dating habits. 

What are they really like?

By waiting for sex, you might have more opportunities to discover other things. What kinds of people do they enjoy socializing with? What are their interests and preferences? Since the focus isn’t on having sex, you can emphasize knowing them more intimately in other ways.

Do they have the qualities of a good partner?

When you have sex early in the relationship, you might learn a lot about your partner’s attitudes and preferences about sex. However, if you wait, you might be more likely to notice more general traits. You may find they’re very kind, loving, and considerate about things other than a sexual relationship. You might find out they’ll go out of their way to help you when you need them. The more you’re with them in non-sexual situations, the more you can learn about who they are as a person.

How the 90-day rule can help you learn more about yourself

Besides what you learn about your partner, you can also learn some important things about yourself. Following the 90-day rule can take time and effort. Like most other challenges, it allows you to learn about your issues, limitations, and preferences.

Your attempt at making the 90-day rule play out could reveal what kind of attachments you tend to have. If you end up having unwanted sex, it could mean that you have attachment issues. In one study, researchers found that women with an anxious attachment style were the most likely to engage in unwanted sex. However, avoidantly attached women also had sex against their wishes. While more research needs to be done so far, it appears that attachment issues are an essential factor in this equation.

Giving up on your decision to follow the 90-day rule may show that you’re willing to settle for something that makes you less than happy. This may be an issue you need to discuss with a therapist to understand better where you want to set your relationship goals and learn how to stick to them.

Navigate the dating world with a therapist's support

Having sex is a highly individual decision. To say that you will wait precisely 90 days seems pretty arbitrary to many people. It might help you to have a goal. You might learn a lot about yourself and your date. However, it may also be advantageous for you to decide one day at a time. The most important thing may be to allow yourself enough time to get to know them and build the relationship beyond the sexual aspect. Whether that takes one month, three months, or longer, waiting may pay off in significant benefits for your relationship.

Deciding how to handle casual dating and sex can be very confusing. If you make the wrong decision, you might miss out on the chance to have a wonderful, long-term relationship. Or you could end up in an unhealthy or even abusive relationship. So, what’s the best way to have a positive outcome?

Talking to a counselor specializing in dating and intimacy may help you discover your personal dating preferences and issues. You can discuss your feelings and thoughts about your dating partner, learn relationship skills like communication, and get advice on other challenges as they arise. 

The benefits of online therapy

While traditional therapy is helpful, more and more people are choosing to speak to a therapist online for its convenience, affordability, and effectiveness. Therapy through online platforms like Regain helps individuals and couples navigate the challenges behind communication and relationships. In online therapy, you can speak to a professional online or over the phone from the comfort of your home, according to your schedule. 

Online therapy is often more affordable than conventional therapy without insurance. While more research needs to be done to report on the effectiveness of online sex therapy definitively-  a large body of research indicates it’s as effective as conventional therapy for treating a wide range of mental health and relationship issues that often contribute to problems of intimacy.

Therapist reviews

“Sessions with Natalie are very insightful and give practical advice on implementing new habits and changes. Be prepared to engage and be challenged to think in a different way. I know that my partner and I can already see improvements in our relationship and feel more positive about working through our issues together.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”

Takeaway

Whether you follow the 90-day rule or not, getting to know your dating partner is an excellent way to develop a better relationship. If that’s your goal, stick with your commitment to yourself to wait a while before jumping into sex. If you aren’t sure, confiding in a counselor is the most effective way to find the right path for you.