Feeling Unwanted In Your Marriage? Here’s What To Do

Perhaps it started as a nagging feeling in the back of your mind. You may have tried to tell yourself it isn't a big deal, but the feeling won't go away. It might increasingly seem like your spouse is uninterested in you. Your attempts at affection may go unreciprocated. Maybe you can't remember the last time you went on a date. Essentially, you could be feeling unwanted in your marriage. If any of this sounds familiar, here are some tips on what to do next:

Your marriage may be the most important relationship you'll ever have. When problems arise that could harm your relationship with your spouse, you may want to take them seriously. Frustrations might start small, but they have the potential to grow and become major hurdles in your marriage. Perhaps the worst thing you can do is allow these frustrations to remain uncommunicated and fester silently until they cause a serious rift between you and your partner. There are various reasons people may feel unworthy or unwanted in their marriages.

What causes people to feel unwanted?

There are many different things that can make you feel unwanted by your spouse. It can be difficult to know whether those things are real or imagined, but sometimes perception is reality. It may be helpful to remember that your feelings are valid, even if you feel unwanted for no apparent reason.

Maybe you feel like you're the only one who plans dates or remembers special milestones in your relationship. Perhaps those things always slip your partner's mind. You may be frustrated and feeling unwanted in a relationship because you feel that your spouse is inattentive, distracted, or emotionally distant, but you're at a loss about what to do about it. It may seem like your spouse is always preoccupied and never has time for you anymore. Perhaps all you want is to feel wanted by your spouse again, but it might seem like nothing you do gets their attention. 

Feeling like your spouse is not interested in you

Maybe you remember how your spouse used to look at you when you were dating. Perhaps when you walked into the room, your partner's entire face would light up. You may have spent every moment of your free time together. Maybe you could chat for hours over coffee, solving the world's problems together, dreaming together, or laughing together. But things may have changed. Now, after a long day at work, your spouse may seem preoccupied and uninterested. 

Free time might be scarce because of responsibilities at work and duties that come along with running a household. Still, it may feel like your spouse doesn't prioritize you during whatever remaining free time you may have. Your conversations may not be what they used to be, either. Instead of daydreaming together, you could be trying to figure out how to pay the mortgage, buy groceries, and put money into your kids' college funds this month. It might seem like the excitement in your relationship is gone, and you may be concerned that it's because your spouse is no longer interested in you.

Not spending quality time with your spouse

It could be that life is always busier than you want it to be. You and your spouse may spend most of your waking hours working to pay the bills, feed the kids, and keep your house clean. By the time work is over, the dinner dishes are put away, and the kids are tended to, you may both be ready to collapse from exhaustion. It can be difficult to get quality time together when life demands so much from you.

This duty-driven cycle can be easy to fall into. You may find yourself coexisting like this for months at a time until one day you realize you can’t remember the last time you had a real conversation with your partner. This pattern can create a feeling of distance in your relationship that may need to be addressed. It can make you feel like your spouse is beginning to care less about you, even if that's not the case.

This feeling of being unwanted can be an unintentional byproduct of a demanding life. Your spouse's love for you may not have diminished. It could be that you simply haven’t taken the time lately to look one another in the eyes and talk about how you're doing. When life gets busy, it can be difficult to be intentional about spending one-on-one time together. Still, if quality time doesn't become a priority, there can be negative consequences for your relationship.

Feeling like love is not reciprocated

Maybe you've been going out of your way to show your appreciation for your spouse, but these concerted efforts are being met with apathy. You may not necessarily be doing these things for reciprocation. Still, you may desire the reassurance of knowing that your spouse feels the same way about you as you do about them. 

If you feel like your efforts to show affection or be intimate with your spouse aren't being returned, there could be several possible reasons. Sometimes, unresolved conflict or tension in a relationship can plant seeds of insecurity in you or your spouse. It could be that what you see as a lack of love and affection from your spouse is really a defense mechanism they have implemented to guard against future hurt.  You may want to consider whether there are any unresolved conflicts that might be creating a feeling of insecurity in your relationship.

Other times, it may not be that serious. What may look to you as a lack of love and affection could be a partner who's going through a tough season. Stress can take a toll on relationships, and it could be that your spouse has been emotionally depleted lately. There may be times in a marriage where one partner has more to give than the other. A little grace and patience can go a long way during times like this.

What to do when feeling unwanted

It can be easy to clam up or shut down when you feel unwanted in your marriage. After being hurt, you may not want to be open and vulnerable, but it might be necessary if you want to find a solution to the problem. When you're feeling insecure in your marriage, you may want to avoid building defensive walls. Though that could be the easiest and most natural thing to do, it might serve to intensify your feelings of isolation and widen the rift between you and your spouse.

Communicate your feelings to your spouse

Sometimes, if the lines of communication are down, we may automatically assume the worst. Still, many tensions in a marriage could be misunderstandings that can be traced back to a lack of communication.

Perhaps the best thing to do when you're feeling unwanted is to communicate with your spouse. It could be that things aren’t as bad as they seem. On the other hand, there may be some serious unresolved problems buried deep in your relationship. You might both need to work through those issues together to restore the love and appreciation you once had in your marriage. Whatever the source of the problem, communication could be the first step towards fixing it.

Gently point out what makes you feel unwanted

It may not help to fly off the handle when you voice your concerns about the relationship. If you come at your partner with a barrage of accusations or a heightened tone of voice, for example, you might make the situation worse. Your spouse might immediately go into defensive mode. Productive conversation may require that the defenses come down.

It might be best to express the specific things that make you feel unwanted as gently as possible. You may want to avoid being vague if you want to find a solution. Your spouse may not know that you're feeling this way. They might be more open and attentive if you respectfully express your concerns rather than angrily spewing accusations. The calmer you are when you point it out, the better the outcome may be.

Be patient with your spouse

Things between you and your spouse might not change overnight. If the behaviors that make you feel unwanted have been going on for a while, they may become subconscious habits. It could take time and a concerted effort from your spouse to change these ingrained behaviors. You may want to give them the benefit of the doubt and the grace to make the necessary changes.  

Still, you might also want to continue pointing it out when they hurt your feelings. Consider letting your spouse know that you’re pointing it out to let them know what to fix, not to nag or make them feel bad. If they begin to feel like you are attacking them each time you point out their hurtful actions, you might want to ask them how they prefer you to let them know. Perhaps you can remind your spouse that you are a team, and you want to do your part to improve the issues in your relationship. 

Consider marital counseling

Perhaps you've tried all these techniques to resolve the issue, but things still aren't changing. Maybe you're feeling worse about your relationship every day. It may be time to get outside help from a professional. Sometimes it's difficult for couples to work through tough issues without a mediator because there's too much hurt, and the conflict may escalate.

If you feel like this may be the status of your relationship, ask your partner if he or she would be willing to go to marriage counseling. A marriage counselor can give you both impartial and unbiased advice. Taking this step shows that you're willing to do what it takes to restore the health of your relationship and that you're serious about your marriage vows.

Benefits of online counseling

Marital problems can be challenging to deal with, and sometimes seeking help may not feel like an option. You might be embarrassed about the issues in your marriage, or you may feel uncomfortable discussing such personal topics with a stranger. Some people report feeling more at ease in an online therapeutic environment. This type of setting may be more conducive to such a sensitive discussion. You may also find online counseling to be more convenient since it can be accessed from home or anywhere you have an internet connection. 

Online therapy has been proven effective for couples. A recent study showed that counseling delivered via videoconferencing technology was associated with positive outcomes for various populations. These included individuals, couples, and families. 

Takeaway

Any marital issue can be cause for concern, but feeling unwanted in your marriage can be particularly painful. You don’t have to navigate this issue on your own. The experienced relationship counselors at Regain are here to help. Reach out today and take the first step to a happier and healthier marriage.