Why A Chivalrous Act Isn’t Necessarily A Bad Thing In Your Relationship

You may have heard that chivalry is dead, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be true. The term “chivalrous” doesn’t have to be exclusive to shiny-armored knights on horses; it can relate to any act that’s kind, noble, and courteous. In fact, a chivalrous act might be just what your relationship needs. Here we'll give you our advice on how kind and thoughtful actions, whether large or small, can fit into your relationship. We'll also connect you with right resources in case you still need some help.

What is chivalry anyway?

Before we talk about the value or lack of value in the chivalrous action, it makes sense to understand chivalry.

Chivalry was a code of conduct followed by knights in Europe during the middle ages, roughly from the fall of the Roman Empire to the Renaissance. It governed how they fought and how they behaved in different circumstances.

Some elements of chivalry came back into vogue among wealthy Europeans during the eighteenth century. This was largely because the definition of being a knight and what it meant to be a man in civilized society had drastically changed. A new, highly romanticized version of chivalry began to grow. It had less to do with how to carry yourself and your arms and more to do with, well, romance.

In this aspect, chivalry has proven to have quite a bit of staying power. To some people, it still means treating potential romantic partners with respect and courtesy. To others, it may mean grand acts of affection or large displays of generosity. 

Overall, chivalry can generally refer to making an effort to make someone feel respected, cared for, and honored.

The chivalric act

In original codes of chivalry included “chivalric acts," which generally involved using your strength and resources to help those less fortunate. In the nineteenth century chivalry reboot and up into the modern day, the "chivalric act" has often been reduced to doing nice things for women.

"What's wrong with that?" you might ask. Well, nothing directly. The problem may be the assumption that women, and women alone, are in need or deserving of chivalry. In the feudal period, and still to some extent in the nineteenth century and beyond, it could be important for men to do things for women and those assigned female at due to their lack of opportunities and lowered position in the society of the time. But over time, this idea has largely fallen out of favor – it can even be insulting to insinuate that someone should be treated differently, even if it’s meant to be a compliment. 

But the title says...

Yes, the title does say that the chivalrous action isn't necessarily a bad thing. And it may not be. You likely just have to go about it in the right way.

Chivalry itself does arguably have some facets that are worth preserving, like honesty, standing up for justice, helping those in need, and being kind to others. However, much discussion of chivalry today is limited to being nice to some people, specifically those who identify as women. Getting rid of this assumption may help you approach the concept of chivalry in a healthier, more respectful way. 

One way to make a chivalrous action work in your relationship, then, may be to make chivalry part of your life. Don’t just hold the door open for your significant other or intended significant other, but go the whole nine yards. Hold the door open for everyone; donate your time or your money to charity; get involved in making the world a better place.

Remember, don't do it because you want to impress a woman or because you feel like you're somehow required to do so. Do it because you want to be a better person. 

That gets back at the idea of equality as well. Most women likely won’t want you to do nice things for them just because they're women; they likely want you to nice things for them because they're people. Doing the right thing by everyone can go a long way both in terms of relationships and how others, including potential romantic partners, see you.

How to pull off the chivalrous act in your relationship

So, you might be wondering, if you do chivalrous acts on behalf of all people rather than just your significant other or intended significant other, doesn't that kind of defeat the point of doing chivalrous acts for a specific person?

It doesn't have to. In the feudal period, chivalrous acts could be anything from giving to charity to slaying a dragon. You can do the little things for those you come across but save the dragon slaying for your special person, just like the knights of legend.

The thing about dragons, however, is that they don't always turn up whenever you want to slay one. That means you may not always be able to rely on large opportunities to show your affection, and you may have to ask where to find them in the first place. 

Communicate

One of the best ways to learn how you can incorporate chivalry into your relationship without overstepping boundaries may be to ask. 

The whole point will likely be to show your partner that you care, that you respect them, and that you want to do nice things for them. There may be no better way to find out how to do those things than to have a conversation about it.

From there, you can incorporate your own ideas into your relationship. Perhaps your partner loves to come home to a cooked meal, so you take it upon yourself to plan and prepare dinner a few nights a week. Maybe your partner loves acts of service, so you decide to open their doors and pull out their chairs for them. The great thing about this is that chivalry can look and feel however you think is best for your relationship. Seeking out genuine ways to form this sort of connection can help ensure your acts come across as genuine rather than for your own benefit, too. 

Finding help

Any time that you have problems figuring things out with your relationships, seeing a relationship counselor might be the right idea. There can be a common misconception that relationship counselors are the people that you call in at the last minute. The truth is, relationship counselors can help you at every step of the relationship, even if the relationship hasn't started yet.

Talking to a relationship counselor about topics like chivalry can help you understand what chivalry means to you, what it might mean to your partner, and why. It might also help you to develop the tools that you need to communicate your feelings on the matter with your partner so that they can see why it's so important to you.

If relationship counseling is too far, too expensive, or too public, there may be another option. Anyone with an Internet connection can be connected with qualified and professional relationship counselors online. Some people elect to schedule meetings much like they would with an in-person relationship counselor and meet with them over video calls, phone calls, or over on-platform chatrooms. Other people casually message their online relationship counselors, or even text them.

In either case, speaking to a professional online can help you as an individual or as a couple. In fact, research suggests that the vast majority of people who pursue online couples counseling find some benefit from it. One study found that a massive 95% of those who participated in online couples counseling found the experience to be helpful. That means you too can likely find advice and guidance from a qualified online therapist.

Takeaway

Chivalry isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be misunderstood and misguided. If you want a chivalrous act to work in your relationship, you're likely going to need to discover what chivalry might mean to you and your partner. Making sure your actions are genuine and that they make sense for your relationship may be the best way to move forward.