“Why Am I Not Good Enough?” Dealing With Rejection And Protecting Your Mental Health
Being rejected once is a disappointment. Being rejected multiple times by multiple different people can be a lot harder. It may feel like a shallow consolation, but no one has a 100 percent success rate in dating. Being rejected can make you feel alone and isolated, but it is a universal experience. Although it isn’t often easy, the best thing to do after a rejection is to focus on learning from it and moving on. Remind yourself that things in life beyond relationships can make you happy.
But rejection too many times can wear us down psychologically and make it challenging to find the strength to move forward. If you’ve reached this point, it may be time to show yourself some extra kindness, explore your feelings, and prepare to regain your self-confidence. Considering some of the following approaches might be an excellent place to start.
Turning rejection into fuel for future success
When we reframe our perspective of rejection, we can better cope with it and overcome it. For example, you can discover a lot about human nature, including yours, through rejection. Think of it as a learning experience that brings you closer to finding a successful relationship with the right person. Here are a few things to examine about rejection that can deepen your understanding of why it happens and show you why you shouldn’t let it consume your self-esteem:
Look at the trends
Think about the similarities between the people who’ve rejected you in the past for clues. This line of thinking can be challenging because we’re so often inclined to focus on negative things about ourselves- but the point here is to look for patterns in behavior or personality among the people who’ve rejected you in the past.
For example, instead of conjuring unproductive thoughts like "They were all out of my league!" consider their background, personality traits, etc. You may find that you had fundamental differences with each of these people that you hadn’t considered as something that could be a “deal-breaker.”
Consider timing
Timing is important in terms of processing rejection. If your rejections have been one after another, you may need to give yourself more time. Rushed courtships aren’t often successful, and if the other person feels you’re trying to rush them into making a choice, they may be more likely to reject you.
Ask the reason why
It’s human nature to take rejection personally, but the reasons for rejection aren’t always personal. If someone has rejected you, don’t be afraid to ask why. Perhaps they recently got over a breakup, or they're focusing on their career or education. If you work with the person or see them in other situations where you’re forced to be together, they may not want a relationship with someone they otherwise see regularly if things don't work out.
There are so many reasons other than your personality that may cause someone to reject you. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, and it doesn't mean that you can't still have a relationship with that person - even if it isn't the kind of relationship you wanted.
On the other hand, maybe it is you. What then?
It hurts to be turned down, especially if you think you would’ve been a good match. But if it happens frequently, and you can’t identify any external reasons, it doesn’t hurt to look at yourself. Just ensure you’re emotionally solid before you embark on a journey of exploration into why you’ve been repeatedly rejected. We all tend to overexaggerate our own shortcomings, and the exercise doesn’t include beating yourself up about it.
Simply consider that no one’s perfect, and we all have room for improvement. With that in mind, approach yourself gently with the topic. Try talking to yourself like you would a friend, without judgment or criticism, just reflection. Perhaps write in a daily journal to examine your thoughts and feelings from a new perspective or seek support from people you trust. Ask them for honest feedback and opinions- they’ll likely give you a few suggestions, but they’ll also probably point out all the wonderful things about you as well.
Perhaps you tend to come on too strong, or you’re too persistent. Or maybe the opposite is true, and you’re not approaching with enough confidence. The kinds of "vibes" that you put out can be hard to identify, and you may need a fresh perspective to see them.
When soliciting advice from your friends and family, remember that just because they may have successful relationships doesn’t make them relationship experts - it makes them experts in the person they have a relationship with. Asking them for advice can be helpful and comforting, but what works for them might not work for you.
During this time of self-reflection, treat yourself well. Do what you enjoy and take time out to care for your body and mind. Integrate plenty of movement into your schedule- regular exercise triggers the release of chemicals in our brains that promote feelings of well-being. Meditation and mindful breathing do, too, so meditation or yoga practice can be very beneficial.
Spend plenty of time with your loved ones and try to find gratitude for the things in your life that make you happy, whether large or small.
When contemplating why rejection seems to find you, it can be helpful to remember that being in a relationship is often depicted as the norm. Influences from all around can make us feel like we need to be with someone else to be happy. This can lead to a constant search for a relationship instead of learning to be satisfied with ourselves.
That doesn't mean that you should give up. It just means that sometimes the best way to find success in a relationship is to stop looking for it. Now might be the best time to take some time away from the dating world to focus on more productive things like your job, education, etc.
How can I learn to be enough (for myself)?
First, remember that feeling as though you are not enough does not make it true. Changing your inner dialogue can be incredibly beneficial in internalizing the belief that you are enough, increasing your confidence level, and allowing you to navigate the world from the standpoint that you are worthy.
Some people find it helps to put positive notes around the house for themselves. For example, a note on your hallway mirror may remind you to hold your head high and think about all the great things you have to offer the world. Some use mantras to stay aligned with positivity, like "I deserve good things" and "I am inherently worthy" when feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness arise.
In addition to strengthening yourself emotionally, now is a good time to focus on other things you can strengthen to fortify your self-esteem. For example, work on becoming more physically fit or strengthening your mental skills. For example, work on continuing education certifications for your job, or learn a new language that will be useful in your daily activities.
You may also consider volunteering. When we serve others, we see how we are worthy and actively embody them. Doing things for others can bring self-fulfillment in ways you won’t get anywhere else, and giving back to your community or others is often highly gratifying. It helps take the focus off the negative self-talk we all so often engage in and puts it on the positive things you have to contribute to the world.
Support is available in online therapy
Recovering from the sting of rejection can feel exhausting and de-motivating. The ruminating we do when we’re rejected often bleeds over into other areas of our daily lives. It’s difficult to focus on work or school when we’re replaying the rejection in our minds. Excessive ruminating can also lead to deeper feelings of mental distress like anxiety and depressive disorders- especially if we already have unresolved emotional pain from the past or other areas in our lives.
While support from friends and family can be helpful, talking to an expert is more effective in helping you address difficult emotions, reframe the thoughts and beliefs that don’t serve you, and move forward confidently. If your primary concern is your dating life, but you’d like to explore other things that may be contributing to your difficulties, seeking help from a therapist specializing in sex and intimacy issues may be the best option.
Despite its considerable benefits, many people choose not to seek help from a therapist to resolve their mental health issues. There are many reasons for this: difficulty finding time for appointments in the middle of a busy work week, a lack of access to traditional therapy in their area, or a lack of transportation options.
Online therapy for mental health issues
Online therapy provides an effective solution to these barriers to treatment and more. Virtual therapy through platforms like Regain allows clients to attend sessions at their convenience from the comfort of home. Online therapy is often less expensive than traditional therapy without insurance and is just as effective. A growing body of research suggests that online treatment is effective for a range of mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, and more- all of which directly contribute to difficulties in romantic relationships and our ability to cope with setbacks like rejection.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Takeaway
Rejection can be hard - especially when it impacts your self-esteem. However, you can let rejection hurt you and keep you from happiness, or you can learn from it and keep moving forward. If you’re ready for a more well-balanced view of dating and rejection, a Regain specialist can help.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
How do you stop thinking, “why am I not good enough?”
Working on your internal dialogue is one of the best ways to stop thinking or feeling like you're not good enough. If you feel like you're not good enough, this is something that you may work on yourself, or you may work on it with a therapist. Thought to reframe is a powerful tool when it comes to changing your internal dialogue.
Often, reframing your thoughts will look like identifying potential cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking and challenging your negative thoughts. For example, if you think, "I'm not good enough because I didn't get the job," you might challenge that thought by saying, "That does not mean that I won't get another job at all." The fact of the matter is that there are many jobs out there and there are a lot of candidates.
There are many reasons why someone else might've gotten hired; they might have had good luck in the sense that they had a business connection, they might've gotten interviewed first, and so on. You can do things to increase your chances of getting hired, such as getting additional certifications or going through additional training. Still, it doesn't mean that you'll never find work, and it certainly doesn't mean that you're not good enough.
What if your best is not good enough?
Almost everyone will experience the feeling that their best isn't good enough at some point in life. It might be that doing your best to make money didn't help you make rent or that doing your best to be a good person didn't help you fix a relationship. Maybe, you feel like you weren't good enough for a work position or even a hobby. Doing your best is something to be proud of.
Everyone has an experience where they try their best and don't succeed, and it is only human. Be gentle with yourself and use positive self-talk. It can also be beneficial to think of how you'd speak to a friend, child, or loved one who didn't feel good enough. How would you comfort another person and lift them? No matter the reasons for not feeling good enough, being your most authentic self and doing what you need to do to be a good person means you're on the right track.
Even if you did do something you aren't proud of, it doesn't determine your future. If it has to do with a large or ongoing concern, seeing a therapist or counselor can help. Remember that being human is a messy experience with many ups and downs and that it's about learning rather than perfection. No one is perfect, and that doesn't mean that they aren't valuable.
Why will I never be good enough for them?
If someone makes you feel as though you aren't good enough for them, it can hurt, but the good news is that it's not actually about you or your worth. When someone tries to make another person feel as though they aren't good enough, it's typically rooted in insecurity that they have themselves. It may also be an uneven power dynamic. If a person tells you that you're the problem or that you aren't good enough, it could also be a sign of emotional abuse*.
Other times, such as in romantic relationships or the pursuit of romantic relationships, you might feel that you're not good enough for someone because you aren't together when in reality, it's just not a good match. Either way, it doesn't say anything about your value as a person. Strive to be a good person, and use this golden rule: Be a person that you'd want to be around. If you're not good enough, feelings stem from feeling as though you're not good enough for other people, and especially if the feelings drive you to act or live for the acceptance of others instead of your personal truth, you're not living your life to the fullest.
Be yourself, and be the best version of yourself. When you're your most genuine or authentic self, the right people will come along. The right people will appreciate who you are and will most certainly believe that you are fundamentally and unconditionally good enough.
*If you are experiencing abuse of any kind or think you might be, don't hesitate to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Why do I keep thinking about someone?
There are a variety of reasons that you might keep thinking about someone, even if it hurts. Here are some of the potential reasons that you may continue to think about a person:
- Something was left unresolved. It could be that you want answers or closure that you never got, or it could be that there's a conversation you wish you could have with the person that you can't.
- The wound is fresh. If you broke it off recently, this could be why. Healing takes time, and it's important to make sure you have support in place if needed.
- You have regrets. It could be that you wish you treated someone better, or it could be that you wish you hadn't put up with the behavior that you did on their side. Working on acceptance and how to navigate things differently in the future may be beneficial.
- You still care about them. This isn't a bad thing. Sometimes, we think of people fondly and wonder how they're doing. It doesn't always mean that they need to be in our lives, but it is valid and common to think of someone who is once close to us and wonder how they're doing or what they're up to.
Of course, this is by no means an extensive list. If you can't get someone off your mind and need someone to talk to, therapy can be an excellent resource.
How can I learn to be enough and stop thinking, “why am I not good enough?”
First, remember that feeling as though you are not enough does not make it true. Working on thought reframe and changing your inner dialogue can be incredibly beneficial in internalizing the belief that you are enough, increasing your confidence level, and allowing you to navigate the world from the standpoint that you are worthy.
You may start to use mantras such as "I deserve good things" and "I am inherently worthy" when feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness arise. You may also engage in exercises such as listing things that make you feel good about yourself or things you like about yourself. Even when you're feeling not good enough, you have positive traits, and when you're feeling good enough, it's not a reflection of whether you actually are or not.
If you have trouble thinking of positive traits, you may ask a friend or family to help, or you may look at yourself from an outside perspective to gain some insight. If you are experiencing difficulty along the way or can't seem to combat the thoughts and feelings that arise when you feel not good enough, a counselor or therapist can help. Not only is it okay to ask for support, but it's a very positive and admirable thing to do. You don't have to go through this on your own, and you can start feeling better.
What to do when someone makes you feel not good enough?
Focus on what makes you unique and valuable. Their opinion doesn’t define you. Spend time with supportive friends, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. You’re more than someone else’s judgment.
Why do people feel they are not good enough?
This feeling usually comes from past experiences, negative criticism, or comparing yourself to others too much. Sometimes it's just because we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
What is the feeling of not being good enough called?
It’s called imposter syndrome or feeling inadequate. It makes you doubt yourself, even when you’re doing just fine.
How do you know if you're good enough?
You’re good enough just as you are. It means accepting your flaws, being proud of your strengths, and knowing that everyone has ups and downs.
What makes a person enough?
Being enough means being comfortable with who you are, flaws and all. You don’t need to be perfect to deserve love and respect.
What is the opposite of good enough?
The opposite of “good enough” is feeling inadequate. It’s about feeling like you’re not measuring up, but mistakes are part of learning and growing.
What is the biggest insecurity of a person?
Many people are insecure because they fear they won’t be loved or accepted. It often makes us doubt ourselves and compare ourselves to others.
Is being too insecure toxic, and how does it affect one's mental health?
Yes, being too insecure can harm your mental health. It leads to stress and anxiety and puts strain on relationships. It can make you feel less confident and react out of fear.
How does an insecure person act?
Insecure people often look for constant reassurance, compare themselves to others, or avoid situations where they might feel judged. Trusting others or sharing true feelings can be tough for them.
How do I love myself and feel enough?
Insecure people often look for constant reassurance, compare themselves to others, or avoid situations where they might feel judged. Trusting others or sharing true feelings can be tough for them.
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