“Why Am I Not Good Enough For Anyone?” Coping With Rejection To Overcome It

Being rejected once is a disappointment. Being rejected multiple times by multiple different people can be a lot harder. It may feel like a shallow consolation, but no one has a 100 percent success rate in dating. Being rejected can make you feel alone and isolated, but it is a universal experience. Although it isn’t often easy, the best thing to do after a rejection is to focus on learning from it and moving on. Remind yourself that things in life beyond relationships can make you happy. 

But rejection too many times can wear us down psychologically and make it challenging to find the strength to move forward. If you’ve reached this point, it may be time to show yourself some extra kindness, explore your feelings, and prepare to regain your self-confidence. Considering some of the following approaches might be an excellent place to start.

Turning rejection into fuel for future success

When we reframe our perspective of rejection, we can better cope with it and overcome it. For example, you can discover a lot about human nature, including yours, through rejection. Think of it as a learning experience that brings you closer to finding a successful relationship with the right person. Here are a few things to examine about rejection that can deepen your understanding of why it happens and show you why you shouldn’t let it consume your self-esteem: 

Look at the trends

Think about the similarities between the people who’ve rejected you in the past for clues. This line of thinking can be challenging because we’re so often inclined to focus on negative things about ourselves- but the point here is to look for patterns in behavior or personality among the people who’ve rejected you in the past. 

For example, instead of conjuring unproductive thoughts like "They were all out of my league!" consider their background, personality traits, etc. You may find that you had fundamental differences with each of these people that you hadn’t considered as something that could be a “deal-breaker.” 

Consider timing

Timing is important in terms of processing rejection. If your rejections have been one after another, you may need to give yourself more time. Rushed courtships aren’t often successful, and if the other person feels you’re trying to rush them into making a choice, they may be more likely to reject you. 

Ask the reason why

It’s human nature to take rejection personally, but the reasons for rejection aren’t always personal. If someone has rejected you, don’t be afraid to ask why. Perhaps they recently got over a breakup, or they're focusing on their career or education. If you work with the person or see them in other situations where you’re forced to be together, they may not want a relationship with someone they otherwise see regularly if things don't work out.

There are so many reasons other than your personality that may cause someone to reject you. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, and it doesn't mean that you can't still have a relationship with that person - even if it isn't the kind of relationship you wanted.

On the other hand, maybe it is you. What then?

It hurts to be turned down, especially if you think you would’ve been a good match. But if it happens frequently, and you can’t identify any external reasons, it doesn’t hurt to look at yourself. Just ensure you’re emotionally solid before you embark on a journey of exploration into why you’ve been repeatedly rejected. We all tend to overexaggerate our own shortcomings, and the exercise doesn’t include beating yourself up about it. 

Simply consider that no one’s perfect, and we all have room for improvement. With that in mind, approach yourself gently with the topic. Try talking to yourself like you would a friend, without judgment or criticism, just reflection. Perhaps write in a daily journal to examine your thoughts and feelings from a new perspective or seek support from people you trust. Ask them for honest feedback and opinions- they’ll likely give you a few suggestions, but they’ll also probably point out all the wonderful things about you as well. 

Perhaps you tend to come on too strong, or you’re too persistent. Or maybe the opposite is true, and you’re not approaching with enough confidence. The kinds of "vibes" that you put out can be hard to identify, and you may need a fresh perspective to see them. 

When soliciting advice from your friends and family, remember that just because they may have successful relationships doesn’t make them relationship experts - it makes them experts in the person they have a relationship with. Asking them for advice can be helpful and comforting, but what works for them might not work for you.

During this time of self-reflection, treat yourself well. Do what you enjoy and take time out to care for your body and mind. Integrate plenty of movement into your schedule- regular exercise triggers the release of chemicals in our brains that promote feelings of well-being. Meditation and mindful breathing do, too, so meditation or yoga practice can be very beneficial. 

Spend plenty of time with your loved ones and try to find gratitude for the things in your life that make you happy, whether large or small. 

When contemplating why rejection seems to find you, it can be helpful to remember that being in a relationship is often depicted as the norm. Influences from all around can make us feel like we need to be with someone else to be happy. This can lead to a constant search for a relationship instead of learning to be satisfied with ourselves.

That doesn't mean that you should give up. It just means that sometimes the best way to find success in a relationship is to stop looking for it. Now might be the best time to take some time away from the dating world to focus on more productive things like your job, education, etc. 

How can I learn to be enough (for myself)?

First, remember that feeling as though you are not enough does not make it true. Changing your inner dialogue can be incredibly beneficial in internalizing the belief that you are enough, increasing your confidence level, and allowing you to navigate the world from the standpoint that you are worthy.

Some people find it helps to put positive notes around the house for themselves. For example, a note on your hallway mirror may remind you to hold your head high and think about all the great things you have to offer the world. Some use mantras to stay aligned with positivity, like "I deserve good things" and "I am inherently worthy" when feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness arise. 

In addition to strengthening yourself emotionally, now is a good time to focus on other things you can strengthen to fortify your self-esteem. For example, work on becoming more physically fit or strengthening your mental skills. For example, work on continuing education certifications for your job, or learn a new language that will be useful in your daily activities. 

You may also consider volunteering. When we serve others, we see how we are worthy and actively embody them. Doing things for others can bring self-fulfillment in ways you won’t get anywhere else, and giving back to your community or others is often highly gratifying. It helps take the focus off the negative self-talk we all so often engage in and puts it on the positive things you have to contribute to the world. 

Support is available in online therapy

Recovering from the sting of rejection can feel exhausting and de-motivating. The ruminating we do when we’re rejected often bleeds over into other areas of our daily lives. It’s difficult to focus on work or school when we’re replaying the rejection in our minds. Excessive ruminating can also lead to deeper feelings of mental distress like anxiety and depressive disorders- especially if we already have unresolved emotional pain from the past or other areas in our lives. 

While support from friends and family can be helpful, talking to an expert is more effective in helping you address difficult emotions, reframe the thoughts and beliefs that don’t serve you, and move forward confidently. If your primary concern is your dating life, but you’d like to explore other things that may be contributing to your difficulties, seeking help from a therapist specializing in sex and intimacy issues may be the best option. 

Despite its considerable benefits, many people choose not to seek help from a therapist to resolve their mental health issues. There are many reasons for this: difficulty finding time for appointments in the middle of a busy work week, a lack of access to traditional therapy in their area, or a lack of transportation options.  

Online therapy provides an effective solution to these barriers to treatment and more. Virtual therapy through platforms like Regain allows clients to attend sessions at their convenience from the comfort of home. Online therapy is often less expensive than traditional therapy without insurance and is just as effective. A growing body of research suggests that online treatment is effective for a range of mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, and more- all of which directly contribute to difficulties in romantic relationships and our ability to cope with setbacks like rejection. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Takeaway

Rejection can be hard - especially when it impacts your self-esteem. However, you can let rejection hurt you and keep you from happiness, or you can learn from it and keep moving forward. If you’re ready for a more well-balanced view of dating and rejection, a Regain specialist can help.