Why Are Kind Words So Important In Marriages? How Married Couples and Families Can Benefit
Words are powerful. Spoken with kindness, harshness, confusion, or anger, your words can shape the course of a conversation – and, in time, the trajectory of a marriage.
Given the weight of words, many therapists work with couples to improve their communication skills and speak to one another with more kindness and compassion. Psychologists and everyday people define “kindness” in many ways; but in general, the word connotes a feeling of warmth and benevolence toward others, without expectation of anything in return.
When you live alongside your partner every day, you may fall into familiar routines of speaking and interacting with each other. Ideally, these exchanges are grounded in kindness and empathy; but after a long day or difficult conversation, you may find it harder to find the right words – let alone, patience – for your partner, despite how much you love and care for each other.
If you’re trying to cultivate more kindness in your marriage, you can use the power of language to strengthen your relationship and solidify your bond.
Why Are Kind Words So Important In Marriages? Understanding Their Impact on Married Couples
Often, we go about our days without thinking too critically about the impact of our words. Yet in some cases, the things we say to others in a fleeting moment can have a lasting impact.
Ideally, we want this impact to be positive. When we approach our daily conversations from a foundation of kindness, our words are more likely to uplift and encourage others.
In a marriage, work and family constraints can limit the amount of time available for meaningful conversations. When spending any moment of quality time with your partner, the words you exchange with each other are valuable – especially when that time is limited. As a married couple, kind words can help you make the most of these shared moments. Cultivating kindness in your marriage leads to greater emotional intimacy. Practicing kind words daily can strengthen emotional bonds and enhance mutual respect.
At a neurological level, optimistic and positive words stimulate frontal lobe activity, based on research by Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman, a communications expert. Using positive words can help foster a more compassionate and understanding atmosphere in your marriage. This shift toward positivity can foster a positive self image and improve overall well-being. The frontal lobe includes language centers that connect to the motor cortex, which translates thoughts into action. Newberg and Waldman’s research suggests that by concentrating on positive words, we can change our self-perception for the better – as well as the way we perceive others.
With this knowledge, married couples can take a moment to pause and reflect on their thought and speech patterns. After all, our thoughts become our words – so by beginning with our thoughts and rooting them in kindness, we can soften the language we use to communicate with our spouses.
Ways kindness can benefit marriage and your family
The more kindness you give in your marriage, the more you tend to get in return. For both married couples and
Other partners, the health-boosting benefits of kind words and compassion go both ways.
1. Kindness can improve your well-being
What is the relationship between kindness and health? Research suggests that the link is strong, with outcomes that benefit both givers and recipients of kindness. In a 2020 review of 126 research articles on kindness, researchers looked at almost 200,000 adult participants around the world. They found that kinder people tended to have higher well-being, both physically and mentally.
The researchers additionally noted that people who engaged in more “random” acts of kindness, like surprising a friend with a small gift after a tough day, tended to be happier than those who engaged in more formal, structured acts of kindness, like volunteering for a local nonprofit every week.
Applied to a marriage, these results speak to the value of small, daily acts of kindness. You might stop by the store to pick up your spouse’s favorite treat on the way home from work, or surprise them with a fun outing on a weekday night. These displays of kindness remind your partner that you’re thinking about them, and can also enrich your marriage with moments of spontaneity and sweetness. Small positive comments, such as praising your spouse’s efforts, can contribute to a healthier relationship.
2. Kind Words: A Powerful Tool for Married Couples to Show Affection
If you speak to a therapist about the value of kind words, they may bring up the concept of the five “love languages”: acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation. Understanding love languages can help couples communicate affection in a meaningful way. By understanding how your partner prefers to receive love, you can show affection in a way that aligns with their needs. You can speak words of appreciation and affirmation to strengthen your connection.
On the topic of kindness, words of affirmation are especially important for married couples. Regardless of which love languages resonate most with you and your partner, the framework of love languages is a reminder that words carry weight. When chosen and arranged carefully, kind words can be used to show both affection and appreciation.
Phrases like “I appreciate you,” “I am so proud of you,” or “You’ve got this” may seem simple; but when expressed with genuine appreciation, these sentiments can boost your spouse’s confidence and create an opportunity to explore other love languages.
3. Overcoming Conflict in Marriage Through Kind Words
Understandably, one of the most difficult times to speak kindly is during a moment of conflict. To express your frustration properly, you may feel the need to speak harshly, but a stinging remark or cruel comment can end up hurting both partners.
Even in the heat of conflict, finding kindness is possible – but what does it mean to argue to with kindness? One of the most effective ways to manage conflict is to speak kindly, even when emotions run high. For married couples as well as friends and family members, prioritizing kindness does not mean avoiding conflict. Instead, you can choose your words with sensitivity and care: ideally in all conversations, but especially during an argument or flare-up.
If you’re trying to approach arguments with a spirit of kindness, keep the following tips in mind:
- Avoid swear words and absolute statements that include “never” or “always,” which can incite hostility and discourage partners from actively listening.
- Be mindful of your partner’s history and “soft spots,” and avoid poking them to make a point or get your way.
- In any conversation, prioritize respect and refrain from name-calling. Avoiding corrupting talk can prevent further harm and encourage healthier discussions.
If you can’t reach a conclusion, remember that many arguments take time and potentially multiple conversations to resolve. Learning to communicate with love and kindness requires ongoing effort, but allows both partners to reap the benefits of an honest, patient, and trusting marriage.
4. Healthy Communication in Marriage: The Role of Kind Words
Beyond the inevitable argument, kindness plays a role in nearly all forms of communication between married partners. Using kindness as your guide, you can achieve a healthier and more open line of communication with your spouse.
Kind words are the basis of healthy, compassionate communication: a way of expressing ourselves to loved ones when emotions are running high, but also in more neutral moments. Compassionate communication consists of four basic steps:
- Mindfulness: a comprehensive practice that reminds us to slow down, focus on our bodies, and notice our breathing before reacting.
- Self-compassion, in which we attend to our own well-being and emotional needs.
- Compassion for others, which requires attending to the needs and vulnerabilities of another person: in this case, your spouse.
- Values, which shape the way we engage with and respond to another person.
While some married couples successfully integrate these steps on their own, working with a licensed therapist can help partners hold themselves accountable to the pillars of compassionate communication.
Cultivate more kindness in your marriage with online therapy
Whether you attend as an individual or couple, therapy can help you speak to yourself, your partner, and other people with more kindness. While some people prefer face-to-face therapy, online counseling can be an excellent option for couples with limited time or finances. Using an online platform like Regain, you can connect to a licensed mental health provider within a few days of signing up. Regain is specifically designed to help couples and individuals improve their communication, emotional intelligence, and other relational skills.
Several studies show that online therapy can be just as effective as in-person options, including a 2017 study of an online Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) program. This eight-hour, self-help program involved online activities for couples, which partners completed individually and then discussed together at the end of each “phase”, for a total of three phases. In a nationwide, randomized-controlled trial of 300 couples, online IBCT was well-received: 86% of couples completed the program and 97% of participants would recommend it to a friend. While more research is needed, this study demonstrates the promise and availability of online therapy for couples.
Takeaway
Finding the right words isn’t always easy. However, using the right words can lead to a more peaceful resolution in conflicts. Yet research suggests that kind, positive language is essential for a meaningful life and healthy relationships. Even when you’re frustrated or tired, remembering the power of words can help you navigate tough moments with your spouse, as well as friends, family, and strangers.
By consistently choosing kindness, you can boost your well-being and find greater fulfilment in your marriage, knowing that the one of most important relationships in your life is a healthy one.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What does psychology say about the power of words?
Several psychological studies show that words have immense power, and that we can use the power of words to improve our relationships and shape the outcomes of our lives.
Over time, words can shape our environments, sense of self, and understanding of the world and other people. Predictably, words that are negative or cruel tend to create a toxic environment. For example, in a neuroscientific study titled “Do Words Hurt?”, researchers found that pain-related words increased stress and anxiety-inducing hormones in participants, based on functional MRI brain scans.
Alternatively, positive words have the power to change a person’s reality for the better. Our thoughts underpin our words, which are the building blocks of any language. Positive words can encourage, comfort, and nurture the speaker, as well as the people around them.
The power of words is largely determined by their consistency. The more often we use positive words with our partners and ourselves, the more likely we’ll build a pattern of positive thinking and interact with kindness and compassion.
How do our words affect our lives?
Words affect our lives in many ways. Words are a creative tool, but the importance of words spans far beyond creative works.
Our language is especially impactful in interpersonal relationships, which include romantic connections, friendships, professional ties, familial bonds, and acquaintances. Using kind, thoughtful language, we can show affection for others, accept responsibility for our actions, and hone our communication as professionals and individuals.
Words also influence how we feel about ourselves. The way we engage in self-talk, for instance, has a significant impact on confidence and emotional well-being. Several studies show that positive self-talk can improve self-esteem, minimize stress, and even reduce the symptoms of several mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.
Do words matter?
Yes, words matter! If you’ve ever received a piece of advice that changed your life or heard a phrase years ago that remains stuck in your mind, you have two readily available examples of the power of words.
The ways we talk about ourselves and others can impact our self-esteem, belief in our abilities, and the strength of our relationships. From a societal perspective, words can combat stigmas around substance use, mental illness, and other sensitive topics. And at a governmental level, the use of certain words can drive public perceptions of important policies, scientific developments, and other forms of mass communication.
How do words hurt?
Negative words have the power to hurt, both mentally and physically. But how exactly do these words cause harm to the body, mind, and soul? Frequent exposure to negative words can lead to long-term damage to one’s self-esteem and well-being.
Researchers are still working to understand the physiological effects of language, but most experts agree that verbal abuse – including name-calling, bias, belittlement, and manipulation – can take a toll on the human body and psyche. If you’re experiencing verbal abuse, you may develop chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and other unwanted health outcomes.
In some cases, hurtful words stick with us and inform our beliefs about ourselves and others. One study published in the Child Development journal found that when children were exposed to negative words about a made-up group, they still showed negative bias toward that group an average of two weeks later.
Over time, negative words of any kind can contribute to long-term anxiety, which has both psychological and physical effects. Optimistically, however, parents and other adults can intentionally model kind, loving language in front of children, showcasing the power of words to the youngest generation of speakers.
5. How can I speak more positively?
With the power of words in mind, here are some tips for speaking more positively:
- Give genuine, honest compliments. Try to focus on a specific feature or quality, like the pattern of a friend’s shirt or the brightness of their smile. A small but thoughtful comment can make someone’s day.
- Verbalize your appreciation. In your mind, you may appreciate your spouse’s breakfast-making skills, or a friend’s reliability – but make an effort to tell them! Even if your appreciation seems obvious, imparting this thought with others makes them feel seen, known, and loved.
- Make time for gratitude. You can maintain a gratitude journal to document moments of appreciation. Consider starting or ending the day with a ritual of writing down three sources of gratitude, and possibly saying them with someone you love.
- Challenge negative thoughts. When a negative idea or belief pops into your head, try to challenge the thought by asking yourself: how does this thought serve me? Depending on your answer, you can consider an alternative, more positive thought to approach the issue at hand.
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