Why Do I Cry When I’m Mad?

As a child, when you learn to speak, you attach words to physical sensations, and you call them emotions. You may realize that when you feel aggressive, hot, frustrated, and restless, that is called “anger”. When you feel like crying when you are disappointed, exhausted, and lost, that is called “sadness”.

As you get older, your emotions become more complex, and so does your vocabulary. You become more emotionally intelligent and learn an array of words to describe internal sensations. As an adult or teenager, you can express emotions like content, thrilled, peaceful, excited, enamored, or joyful, and each one feels a little differently. Whereas, as a child, you may have just said you were “happy”.

Consider the following scenario: 

A very young student was misbehaving. The teacher became frustrated and shouted at the child to stay in her seat and listen. The child became quiet and embarrassed, then later claimed that her stomach hurt, and she asked to go to the nurse.

Was the child faking a stomachache to avoid the teacher? Not necessarily. Her stomach probably did hurt. We’ve all felt physical pain in response to intense emotion.

Your body is continuously sending complex messages to your brain, and vice versa. Remember that the nervous system extends through your whole body. Your brain’s job is to interpret the messages that it gets from the rest of the nervous system and assign names to them.

The shame that the child felt when the teacher yelled registered physically. Without a name for this internal sensation, the girl believed that she had gotten sick to her stomach.

Why do I cry when I’m mad?

If you’re trying to understand why you tend to cry when you get angry, it could be helpful to first acknowledge that emotions are an intricate and complex series of messages. We may do our best to give them names, but sometimes one word might not be enough, and sometimes these words overlap.

Many different situations could lead to anger. Perhaps you are being mistreated, or maybe you are frustrated at being ignored. Complicated situations may lead to even more complicated emotions. Also, if we label the way we feel as “angry,” that could just be an umbrella term for a whole bouquet of emotions that may spring up in any given situation.

Sometimes you may get so mad that you start crying. If you’re in a set of circumstances that are unfair and exasperating, crying may be a typical and healthy response. Often, people cry when they feel that they have run out of options. Maybe someone refuses to listen, or perhaps you’ve been made to feel humiliated or powerless. In those sorts of circumstances, crying can be normal.

If you have a partner or loved one who mocks you or makes you feel that there is something wrong with crying, then this could be a serious red flag. A healthy response to seeing someone cry is concern, not dismissal.

You don’t need to stop crying when you get angry. However, crying may not be the only way to express how you feel. It might be helpful to step back, take a breath, and use your words to describe what you’re feeling. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m not crying because I’m sad; I’m crying because I’m angry. I feel that I’m being treated unfairly”.

If you associate crying with sensitivity or weakness, then you may feel tempted to overcompensate for your tears by shouting. But yelling at a loved one is never a good idea, as it may only serve to escalate the situation. Remaining calm can give you control over the conversation.

If you are constantly made to feel weak and overly sensitive, or if you experience unfair situations and negative emotions like frustration and rage frequently, then you might be in a toxic environment. Whether it’s a partner, a parent, a sibling, or a friend, your loved ones should make you feel accepted and understood. If you worry that your relationship is having a negative impact on your life, then you may want to consider online counseling.

Anger can be a defense mechanism

As if our emotions weren’t complicated enough, we can sometimes add another element of confusion by masking them. In some circumstances, we may change the way we express our emotions so that they better fit with society’s expectations of how we should feel and act.

As a child, you not only learn how to name emotions, but you learn how to express them as well. You may have received the message, either directly or indirectly, that crying and sadness are weak or feminine, while anger and frustration are strong or masculine.

For this reason, we may react with anger when what we really feel is hurt. We may lash out and attack when what we really feel is vulnerability. This might explain not only why we cry when we’re angry, but also why someone might reprimand you for crying.

Seeing someone you love cry might cause an intense emotional response. To reject this response, the observer may become angry and chastise you for crying. Of course, this leaves you feeling even more upset and misunderstood. It could be that the person reacted this way because they are using anger as a defense mechanism against their own emotions.

Crying can be healthy

If you cry when you’re angry, you might be relieved to learn that this is a normal and healthy response. In fact, crying is both emotionally and physically healthy. If you stop yourself from crying, you could miss out on a series of medical benefits.

In a 2014 study, researchers hypothesized that crying is a self-soothing activity. When you cry, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is designed to help you relax. Crying also releases oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals lift your mood, and they can even reduce physical pain. That is why after crying, you tend to feel relieved.

Crying may also offer a physical detox. Emotional tears include various stress hormones and chemicals that your body wants to release. Thus, crying can be a chance to release a stressful experience and feel refreshed afterward.

Crying brings us together

No one knows how you feel internally, and we can’t read each other’s minds. We may have evolved to cry so that our emotions are expressed outwardly, and others can see how we feel.

Consider how people react when you or someone else cries. An emotionally mature person may take the opportunity to comfort you, listen to you, and try to make you feel better. Even the angriest person may soften once they see evidence of hurt on your face.

Don’t be afraid to walk away

Maybe you’re a fighter, and you want to dig your heels in and stay in a situation until it gets better. This may be an admirable trait, but in fights and arguments, it can sometimes make things worse.

Consider taking a breather from the conversation by leaving the room and maybe even crying alone before you go back and address the situation with a clear head. Even if the other person is being unfair, shouting at them might make them sink deeper into their position. But by behaving calmly and rationally, you can be more effective in swaying someone’s opinion and helping them see your side of the story.

You don’t want to become so frustrated that you say something you don’t mean, and unintentionally damage a relationship. When it comes to loved ones, winning an argument isn’t worth losing a person.

There is nothing wrong with crying, but you might not want to cry in front of other people. Consider taking a short walk and coming back to the conversation after you’ve composed yourself.

Crying excessively may be cause for concern

Depressed people may cry excessively

Crying in response to sadness, extreme joy, or anger is normal. But if you cry excessively, then you may be suffering from depression.

If you’re concerned that you might cry too much, ask yourself if you cry: 

• Without reason
• Without control
• Very often
• Even when it affects daily activities and tasks

If you are concerned that you may be experiencing depression, review this list of other common symptoms to see if any of them sound familiar.

Symptoms of depression can include.

• Difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or recalling details
• Severe fatigue
• Pessimism, hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness
• Insomnia or excessive sleep
• Lack of sex drive
• Loss of interest in things you once loved
• Overeating or loss of appetite
• Persistent physical pains or cramps without apparent cause
• Constant sad or anxious feelings
• A constant feeling of “emptiness” or the lack of emotion

If you worry that you may be suffering from depression, there is help available. These feelings of hopelessness may be a result of mental illness. There are people to talk to, both online and in-person, who will listen to you without judgment and help you develop methods for overcoming these feelings.

People experiencing symptoms of depression may face certain barriers to treatment, though. For example, if you’re extremely fatigued, you may not have the energy to get out of bed, get dressed, and attend a therapy session in person. With online counseling, you can do your therapy sessions from home. Your sleep schedule could also be disturbed, which might prevent you from attending sessions during normal business hours. Online sessions can be scheduled anytime, day or night. 

Online therapy has been associated with positive outcomes for people experiencing depression. A recent study highlighted the effectiveness of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) in alleviating symptoms of both depression and anxiety. 

Process your emotions with a compassionate therapist

Crying is a normal human response, and it can reflect more than just sadness. People may cry in response to a series of complex emotions, including anger, frustration, fear, joy, and embarrassment.

Crying also has several health benefits, including a release of toxins and a boost of mood-boosting and pain-relieving hormones.

The normal, emotionally mature response to crying is sympathy and concern, not anger and punishment. No one should make you feel weak or embarrassed about crying.

Takeaway

Excessive crying, or crying without any apparent reason, maybe a sign of depression. If you are showing various symptoms of depression, consider talking to a counselor or other professional.