Why Do People Hate Me?: Overcoming Social Anxiety for Mental Health

Have you ever felt alone or friendless? Many people have experienced moments of loneliness when they feel there is no one available for support. However, if these moments occur repeatedly or last, these feelings can escalate and become even more unpleasant. You may even worry that people around you actually despise you. If you feel like people hate you, you may feel lonely and isolated as a result. But it may surprise you to know that this is a very common feeling, and many other people secretly feel the same way. In this article, we’ll unpack that feeling and provide resources that will help you understand your feelings of alienation and how to resolve it. 

Why do people hate me?

There are several reasons that you may be experiencing overarching concerns that people do not like you, or even hate you. These include relationship conflict, lack of an appropriate support system, and social anxiety. As we begin to unpack this feeling, the first and most important step is to consider the context and motivation for your feelings. For example, if you feel like people hate you, is this because you recently had an argument with a friend, coworker, or family relative? Is a friend upset by something you have said or done? Although these incidents are unpleasant, they are very common. No matter how loving and well- meaning you are, everyone occasionally makes a mistake or says the wrong thing, thereby offending someone they love. Read on to learn more about the different reasons you are feeling like people hate you.

Falling out with someone you love

Fortunately, however, everyone understands that these things happen. So, if you are currently going through a rough patch in a friendship or relationship, the good news is that— if you are willing to work through it using consistent, open, and honest communication— the issue will likely be resolved soon! But until the problem is resolved, it can be difficult to exist in that peculiar limbo state that occurs when someone you love is upset with you. During this time, you both may be struggling with hurt feelings and attempting to repair your relationship, so things may not feel quite “normal” between you.

This can be especially awkward if you’re both dealing with something that had a significant emotional impact on you. And as you both try to sort through your feelings and move forward, your relationship may feel so awkward that you feel as though the other person might even hate you.

However, it’s important to remember that this is rarely the case, and that healing takes time. Relationships can be tricky and awkward at times but, even in the rough patches, it’s unlikely that the other person hates you or that you will be unable to move forward together. Remembering this can sometimes be a big help in calming the anxieties we experience during awkward moments in our relationships.

Feeling friendless and alone

But sometimes, we feel awkward and anxious for other reasons. For some people, these feelings do not stem from a fall-out with a loved one. Instead, some people may feel that they are so alone, they do not even have any loved ones. These feelings can be very isolating and upsetting, especially if you feel as though everyone around you has someone to love. Fortunately, however, these things are rarely as bad as they seem. And, most importantly, these feelings can be temporary, especially when you reach for support. A therapist can help you through these times and offer solutions to your feelings of isolation. 

If you feel awkward and nervous around others and regularly wonder if people hate you, are talking about you behind your back, or making fun of you, it’s possible that these feelings stem from social anxiety. Although experiencing anxiety is never fun, being diagnosed with social anxiety can sometimes be a relief because it can show you that your thoughts are incorrect, and you are not hated. Instead, your feelings are simply the result of overactive anxiety signals in your brain. So, let’s take a closer look at social anxiety and how it can affect a person’s relationships.

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is the third most common mental health disorder in the world. This disorder can affect a lot of people— including men, women, teens, and adults— and causes fear and anxiety before or during social situations like talking to new people, speaking in public, answering questions in class, talking on the phone, dating, and even eating in public. A major characteristic of social anxiety is the fear of social situations where they perceive people are negatively judging them or ridiculing them. Other symptoms of social anxiety include:

• Avoiding public places
• Serious fear of being judged
• Extreme self-consciousness
• Agitation and anger
• Fear of meeting new people
• Avoiding eye contact
• Afraid of speaking in public
• Nausea, diarrhea, or vomiting
• Isolating yourself even from family and friends
• Sweating or shaking
• Rapid or irregular heart rate
• Believing that others are laughing at you
• Misusing alcohol or drugs to cope with stress, especially in social situations
• Panic attacks (hyperventilating, chest pain, sweating, fear of something bad happening to you)

"I hate myself, why am I like this?" People with social anxiety often have an extreme fear of being ridiculed, judged, or humiliated during any of these social activities. The fear of being rejected or embarrassed can cause such a panic that some people may not be able to go out in public at all. This fear can also manifest itself in physical symptoms such as pain or nausea, which prevent the person from being able to attend class, get a job, or have a relationship with anyone.

Social anxiety and negative thought patterns

A person with social anxiety does not have to be in a public social situation for anxiety to flare. In fact, you may feel anxious just by thinking about scenarios that make you uncomfortable. For example, an anxiety attack might be caused by a thought like, “Are my friends talking about me behind my back?” This can be a common concern because most people occasionally wonder if their friends or family do not like them. For example, you may reflect on your behavior and think, “I hope I wasn’t annoying!” or “I wonder if my friends really like me!”

Many people have these thoughts from time to time. However, if you experience these thoughts on a regular basis and find that they pop into your head without your conscious control, you may be managing an anxiety disorder. These thoughts may persist and you are unable to get them out of your mind. You may also find it difficult to relax, be yourself, and enjoy your friends’ company while you battle those thoughts. As a result, you may even struggle to trust your friends in the future and this cycle of fear and mistrust is likely to perpetuate your anxiety.

Can social anxiety make people hate me?

If you can relate to any or all the symptoms described above, it is highly likely that you are managing social anxiety. It is important to note that only a medical practitioner or licensed therapist  can truly diagnose if you have an anxiety disorder. Nonetheless, recognizing that your fear that people hate you may be based in anxiety can be helpful on your journey in reaching for support. 

There are a few things to consider when you realize you are managing anxiety-based fears that cause you to think people dislike you. Remember that anxiety does not make you inherently unlikable and you need not feel any shame because of it. You may also be comforted in knowing that anxiety affects millions of people all around the world. Someone you know may also be dealing with it and in opening up to a friend, you may find out that you have a support system available to help. Many people are quietly living with the same thoughts you experience— and that’s exactly why it’s important to seek help for social anxiety.

It’s also important to remember that, while having anxiety does not automatically make people hate you, social anxiety can impact your behavior in ways that can be off-putting to others. For example, if a friend opens your text message and does not reply right away, you might panic and think that something is wrong or that they hate you. As a result, you might send a barrage of texts or phone calls to that friend asking if something is wrong. Similarly, if you feel like a friend is avoiding you, you might get upset with them and treat them differently the next time you hang out.

The problem with this behavior is that it might be irrational and unwarranted. While there certainly can be times when other people aren’t kind to us, in most cases, it’s more likely that your friend was simply busy, and they just couldn’t answer your text right away. In those scenarios, people tend to be annoyed by the constant phone calls and they might feel like you’ve crossed a line. 

Some people with social anxiety react angrily as a defense mechanism and you may feel hatred towards the people involved. You might be asking yourself "Why do I hate everyone involved?" Your friends might put up with this on a short-term basis, but if you persist with this behavior, your actions can give people the wrong idea. Instead of understanding that you’re anxious or worried, your friends might perceive you as pushy or annoying and this can disrupt your friendships and make you feel worse.

Managing conflict and social anxiety

When you are managing social anxiety, it can be comforting to know that things are rarely as bad as your brain makes them out to be. However, it’s also important to acknowledge that— unfortunately— life is full of ups and downs, and this can sometimes include conflict with others. So, if you feel like someone you love hates you— and this feeling persists for days or even weeks, while also being unrelated to a recent argument or incident— it may be helpful to discuss your feelings with the other person.

What to do when you’re feeling like everyone hates you

When you are experiencing unresolved conflict with someone, it can be helpful to clear the air and talk about your feelings in an open, honest, and non-confrontational manner. For example, you could begin by saying something simple like, “Hey, I feel like things have been off between us lately, so I wanted to check in— is everything okay?” Asking in this manner gives the other person a chance to talk through their feelings calmly and respectfully without feeling attacked or accused by you.

Likewise, if you feel like someone hates you and you do not know why, initiating a conversation is the best way to get some answers. You may find out that something is wrong. Open and honest communication between yourself, and the other person is a great way to resolve the problem.

As you talk through your feelings, you may discover that they do not hate you in the least. They may simply be experiencing emotions that are confusing or they are frustrated by something you have said or done. No matter what the problem is, communication will give you a chance to get your feelings out in the open and develop a strategy for moving forward.

Seeking professional mental health support when you’re feeling like everyone hates you

No matter the outcome of your conversation, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone. If you are experiencing conflict in your relationship with a partner, parent, or a close friend, it may be helpful to seek counseling together and separately as you try to work through your feelings. People sometimes have misguided assumptions about what therapy is and when it’s needed but you should know that therapy isn’t a last resort for moments of crisis. Therapy is a great resource for you to work through your doubts and fears and learn resilience strategies that help you manage conflict and symptoms related to anxiety. 

Many people often find it helpful to think of therapy is a toolbox. Whenever you are solving a problem, it’s important to have the right tools. Think of what tools you have used to solve a math problem, fix an issue with your car, or troubleshoot your laptop. This is also true for your mental health and relationships. Solving a problem without the right tools is pretty much impossible, so it’s important to assemble helpful tools in your toolbox. Therapy is the right tool to help you understand why you are worried people hate you or you lack a support system. Whether you are attending counseling on your own or with someone else, therapy exists to provide you with the right tools to live your happiest and healthiest life.

Connecting with a therapist to overcome negative thought patterns

One effective tool in the therapist’s toolbox is known as cognitive behavioral therapy – a type of talk therapy known for its high success in treating social anxiety. This disorder is often rooted in a person’s thoughts and behavior. The techniques learned with CBT work to change how you currently feel about the social situations that create anxiety and how you react to them. CBT also helps you to identify thoughts associated with increased stress and learn how to challenge and balance those thoughts. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy for social anxiety and talk-therapy, in general, can be provided in-person with a professional, or it can be carried out online. Both are very viable methods, and it is ultimately your choice which one you prefer – you will receive the help you need with either option. However, online therapy can be a highly accessible option for people who are dealing with heightened stress and anxiety. You can attend therapy sessions in a space where you feel most comfortable without having to commute to and from a physical office. 

How online therapy can help if you’re thinking, “Why do people hate me?”

Research also supports online therapy as being equally effective as in-person therapy for people managing social anxiety with the added benefits of convenience and accessibility. For example, a study published in Cogent Psychology examined the effectiveness of online cognitive behavioral therapy for college students with social anxiety disorder. All the study’s participants remained throughout the course of treatment and reported a great reduction in symptoms accompanied by a high satisfaction of the virtual mode of treatment delivery. The study also showed how online delivery of therapy can reach hard-to-reach populations as many of the participants were international students unable to receive care otherwise.

If you feel ready to reach out and seek hope and healing through therapy, you may want to consider Regain. Regain is an online therapy provider staffed by mental health professionals who are passionate about offering accessible and affordable therapy to everyone who needs it. In the past, traditional, in-person therapy sessions have often been inaccessible to many people who could benefit from mental health care; the cost and the need to travel and attend an in-person session in a set location can be an insurmountable barrier for many people who want to seek help through therapy.

Takeaway

If you feel alone, think people hate you, or you are dealing with a problem in a relationship that you are unable to resolve, you can unpack these problems with a therapist. Your therapist will work with you to create a personalized treatment plan and help you learn more about your mental and emotional health. With the support of a therapist, you can develop a new sense of self-awareness along with positive coping mechanisms to help you face life’s challenges head-on.