Missing Physical Intimacy: Why Is There A Lack Of Affection In My Relationship?

Intimacy and affection are considered essential components in any relationship. When it suddenly disappears or has been missing for a while, it’s understandable that it can confuse you. A lack of affection could indicate an issue within the relationship, or it might not be personal at all. In this article, we will cover some reasons why affection might be lacking in your relationship and provide you with some solutions to them.

1. A lack of connection and emotional affection

My partner’s not affectionate anymore, what can I do?

A licensed relationship counselor can help

If you’ve noticed that affection is lacking in your relationship, you and your partner might be becoming emotionally distant from each other, or it has been happening for a while and it hasn’t been addressed.

When people think of the words “affection” and “intimacy,” most people tend to think of the physical aspects, particularly for the latter. While they can have a physical component to them, physical and emotional intimacy are often not mutually exclusive. This doesn’t mean that people can’t be physically and sexually active without emotions, but having an emotional connection often accompanies a physical connection in many (but not all!) committed relationships.

This means that for some relationships, emotional and physical intimacy work in tandem with one another; if one is struggling, the other may begin to diminish over time, as well. If your relationship is lacking affection, it may be necessary to work on rebuilding your emotional connection.

Bond together through things that you both enjoy

One of the easiest ways to do this is to bond together through things that you both enjoy, whether that’s traveling, trying new foods, volunteering, painting, or really anything else.

Recall affectionate things you did when you both were dating

If you’ve been together for a while, you might not be going out on dates like the old days. Recall when you both were dating regularly – were you both happier, more adventurous, and possibly more affectionate? If this sounds like your relationship before, going on dates likely helped foster the connection between you and your partner(s) and allowed you to grow.

Therefore, to rebuild this type of intimacy and affection, you likely need to make time for each other as you did before. This can increase your bond and thus your level of intimacy.

2. There is a lack of respect or boundaries go ignored

Without respect, your partner might not prioritize the relationship, may refrain from listening to you, and may invalidate your thoughts and emotions. Instead of giving and receiving love, feelings can be hurt, and resentment may build over time. All of these can contribute to a loss or lack of affection.

Respect issues can stem from several different sources, and getting to the bottom of why they exist might require the assistance of a counselor or therapist, who can help you both communicate and be on the same page. That way, you can start to address the problem.

While knowing why there is disrespect in a relationship and a lack of affection is fundamental to resolving the issue, it’s just as important to plan out ways to start working on building respect between everyone in the relationship.

Here are some basics:

• Start acknowledging and listening to each other’s needs and concerns. Communicate regularly.
• Come up with some actionable ways to address these needs and concerns.
• Eliminate sarcasm, impatience, irritability, and contempt from conversations, especially during conflicts.
• Learn how to show appreciation and gratitude, including for the small things.
• Be willing to acknowledge your role in things and take responsibility for your words and actions.
  
  

When you start focusing on these crucial aspects of creating mutual respect in a relationship, you may see intimacy and affection grow in time.

3. There is too much comfort

After being together for a while, it is very common to stop courting your partner because the relationship has been established. When we begin dating someone, we may tend to make more of an effort to show affection to each other so we can get comfortable and, hopefully, create a long-term relationship.

Unfortunately, after time has passed, affection may be put on the back burner and isn’t maintained. Since this is typically a gradual process, it might not be noticeable right away, but the absence of affection becomes apparent after an extended period.

This is also like the previous concept of how emotional intimacy can deteriorate because you aren’t bonding and going on dates as often as in the earlier stages of the relationship. Thankfully, this problem can be just as straightforward to fix.

Having too much comfort doesn’t mean that you don’t love and appreciate each other; it just means that you need to be more aware of certain things. For instance, if you feel that intimacy has gone down because you and your partner(s) are in a routine, the first step is to have an open conversation about this. Then you can pinpoint changes that can be made to help foster being more present with one another, such as incorporating a “no phone” rule during meals or making a point to go somewhere new together once per week (or however often works best for your relationship). If you still have dates and physical and emotional intimacy but would like to ensure that you maintain or improve them more, you might want to consider mixing things up a bit, like going to a new vacation destination, exploring new-to-you forms of intimacy, or trying a relationship-building game.

4. Personality differences

While connection can certainly be addressed and improved, some individuals naturally aren’t as affectionate as others, and that’s ok! This doesn’t necessarily indicate that a person doesn’t want to be affectionate with their partner; rather, everyone feels and shows love and affection differently. 

Talking to a therapist can help you and your partner(s) figure out how to improve affection in ways that work for all involved in the relationship, not just one of you. They can help you address personal differences and suggest exercises and solutions specific to your situation that may help.

5. A history of abuse or mental health issues

Just as specific events like stress, grief, and so on can potentially cause a person to be less affectionate, people experiencing a mental health condition might also encounter this.

People who weren’t given much affection when they were younger could struggle with providing it as well, and this applies to situations where they were abused. Although abuse can happen at an early age, it’s not restricted to any particular group. Abuse can happen at any age, gender, socioeconomic status, etc., and people traumatized by a previous relationship can also have difficulties showing trust and affection.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), it is estimated that one in four women and one in nine men are subjected to domestic violence in the United States. Overall, 20 people per minute, which equates to 10 million per year, are abused by an intimate partner. Any form of abuse can have long-term impacts, including difficulty with expressing affection and intimacy.

Mental health is another area that can have an impact on affection. Conditions like depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can negatively affect a person’s ability to feel and show affection. When the brain and body are bogged down by mental health challenges, it can respond by “shutting off” other processes as a means of self-preservation and energy preservation, including processes that affect intimacy and connection.

There’s a lack of affection in my relationship: Can a mental health professional help you express your feelings and concerns?

A lack of affection and intimacy in any relationship, whether platonic or romantic, can impact all involved. Through being open and communicative in your relationships and listening to them in return, you can better identify possible reasons for this decrease in or lack of affection. Through recognizing these factors, you can work together to find solutions that work for the relationship as a whole and all involved. 

How online therapy can help you navigate a lack of physical intimacy and affection in a relationship

In some cases, therapy may be most effective at helping to resolve discrepancies in affection and connection. Regain offers online therapy to anyone experiencing relationship issues and has successfully helped individuals and couples overcome a variety of challenges and concerns. Online treatment is affordable and convenient, and it aims to be as stress-free as possible. Sessions can be held anywhere you have a reliable internet connection and can be conducted via video chat, phone call, in-app instant messaging, or live voice recordings sent between you and your therapist.

Effectiveness of online mental health therapy for people having problems with physical intimacy

Additionally, online therapy has been found by a number of studies to be overall just as effective as in-person therapy for a variety of relationship and mental health concerns. For example, a 2022 study compared couples’ therapy conducted via telehealth (videoconferencing) to traditional in-person couples’ therapy. They found the two modes to be equal in terms of increasing relationship satisfaction, reducing depression and anxiety, and reaching the relationship goals set in therapy. Furthermore, they found internet-based relationship therapy reduced barriers to couples being able to obtain therapy, as they did not need to obtain transportation to services, safe childcare services since they could receive therapy from home, or worry about physical or mental health concerns that may make it difficult or impossible to get to in-person appointments.

Counselor reviews

“Emily is a very effective counselor in our very first call she drilled down and uncovered some of our intimacy issues and gave us a game plan to help resolve them. She's timely, easy to talk to, and listens but also gives advice (which I've found uncommon with some professionals). We'd use her again and recommend her in a heartbeat.”

“Austa has been wonderful thus far. She has helped my partner and I during an unimaginably difficult time... She has also guided us in communicating effectively and setting appropriate boundaries in our relationship. I was hesitant to pursue counseling at the beginning, but I truly believe that it is making a difference for our relationship. Austa is easy to talk to and she is a great listener. I would wholeheartedly recommend her as a counselor.”