Five Ways To Overcome Love Scars And Heal From The Past

According to James Tobin, Ph.D., “love scars” are the painful emotions, memories, regrets, and unresolved trauma left behind from ex-relationships. Typically, people who experience love scars find it difficult to move past old relationships and may feel hesitant to engage in emotional intimacy with new partners. Healing from the baggage of past relationships takes time. But there are several strategies that can make it easier to move on, including a combination of self-compassion, grief, social support, temporary independence from romantic relationships, and therapy.

What causes love scars? 

Love scars can develop when any relationship ends, but the following situations may make them more likely: 

• Emotional neglect in childhood
• Neglect or abandonment during childhood or in a past relationship
• Emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, or economic abuse
• Codependency 

Abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationships can negatively affect self-esteem, self-confidence, and trust. A recently proposed syndrome, post-traumatic relationship stress (PTRS), describes the symptoms that many people experience after the end of a traumatic intimate relationship. PTRS symptoms are derived from mistrust, trauma, and fear, and it is thought to be closely related to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Symptoms may include: 

• Fear of past or future intimate partners 
• Flashbacks and/or intrusive thoughts about trauma 
• High levels of emotional distress
• Dietary and sleep changes 
• Weight changes
• Fear of emotional intimacy and/or vulnerability
• Memory impacts 
• Hypervigilance
• Isolation 
• Distrust

If you’ve experienced some of the above symptoms, you may want to consider reaching out to a therapist. Research demonstrates that psychotherapy can help many people process trauma and achieve post-traumatic growth. 

Overcoming love scars

If you’ve experienced trauma, or if you’re otherwise finding it challenging to process emotions, memories, or regrets from your past relationship, you may want to try implementing the following tips:  

Avoid self-blame

After breaking up, people tend to blame themselves, but this mindset is usually not helpful. Research from 2015 found that self-blame, feelings of inadequacy, reduced self-worth, and hopelessness are all predictors of major depressive disorder. Instead, you can try to do the following: 

• Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a close friend. 
• Remind yourself that you were doing the best you could under the specific circumstances you found yourself in at the time. 
• Approach the difficulties you had in your relationship as an opportunity to grow. 
• Acknowledge that you are worthy of self-compassion regardless of what happened in your relationship. 
• Notice and challenge your negative self-talk.

Develop a support system

Friendships are an important protective factor against both mental and physical health challenges. Friends can act as buffers to life stressors, improve resiliency in the face of trauma and adversity, and offer an outside perspective. Furthermore, studies show that social support can help reduce symptoms of complex PTSD and relationship disturbances.

After your relationship ends, you might want to consider reaching out to friends and family, joining a support group, or trying a new social activity. 

Give yourself space to grieve your relationship

When your relationship ends, take the time to heal. Many people go through the following stages of grief, though not always in the same order: 

• Denial: During this stage of grief, many people find it difficult to accept that the breakup occurred or believe that they will get back together with their ex. Grief is overwhelming, and denial can act as an initial defense mechanism. 
• Anger: It is common to experience a period where you’re mad or resentful at your ex for causing pain to you and/or your family. You may also experience anger towards yourself, bystanders, or the situation itself. Anger may mask pain and other emotions you’re experiencing. 
• Bargaining: During the bargaining stage, many people experience overwhelming emotions and vulnerability. You may find yourself trying to making a spiritual or religious promise to relieve the intense emotions. You may also blame yourself, using statements like, “If only I had ___,” or, “What if I had ___.”
• Depression: During the fourth stage of grief, many people experience sadness, confusion, and loneliness. While depression many be a common stage of grief, it may contribute to the development of a depressive disorder. If you find yourself stuck in this stage, you can contact a licensed therapist.  
• Acceptance: At this stage, most people have acknowledged and understand the reality of their breakup and are ready to continue healing. For example, once you’ve reached this stage, you may find yourself saying things like, “I was shocked when they ended our relationship, but now I’m recognizing that it was a necessary decision for both of us.” 

Grief is unique, and there is no set timeline in which you must move through the stages of grief. 

Don’t start dating right away

The loneliness many people experience soon after breaking up is often temporary. But, for some people, loneliness can last for an extended period due to underlying grief, sadness, anger, family separation, or holiday blues. Rebound relationships are often used to avoid loneliness and fill social, emotional, and physical needs. However, they can sometimes be used to avoid negative emotions, and challenging periods of personal growth. 

Though there is not a set amount of time you should wait before starting a new relationship, Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT, recommends giving yourself the time and distance to reflect on some of the following questions before considering dating again: 

• Why do you think your relationship ended? 
• What would they say was the reason it ended?
• Can you identify a pattern between how this relationship and previous relationships have ended? 
• When you think about your ex, how strong are your positive and negative emotions about them? 
• Are you still hoping to get back together one day? 
• Have you grieved the end of your relationship? 
• Have you learned anything about the types of partners you tend to choose? 
• What qualities are important to you in a new partner?
• Do you try to change your partner? 
• What could you have done differently?
• What did you do well? 
• Do you feel lonely?
• Do you have a strong sense of yourself as an independent person?

Reach out to a licensed therapist 

If you’re finding it difficult to process the end of your relationship on your own, you may want to consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. A 2020 follow-up study on participants who sought CBT to address loneliness found that improvements in loneliness and quality of life were sustained. Furthermore, a 2021 study of online group cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) found that it effectively improved post-break-up self-esteem and self-forgiveness amongst young adult women. 

Not sure you want to try online group therapy? You can use a site like Regain to talk to an online CBT therapist one-on-one from the comfort of your own home. A study published in 2017 found that individual internet-based CBT can be used to effectively address symptoms of many psychiatric disorders, including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, posttraumatic stress, and adjustment disorder. 

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Takeaway

Healing from any relationship can be challenging, particularly if you’ve experienced past trauma or abuse. By embracing self-compassion, social support, grief, and independence, you can help yourself process your relationship and grow from it. If you want someone else to talk to, you may want to consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. Online cognitive behavioral therapy can effectively help most people improve self-esteem, and reduce symptoms of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder.