Exploring Healthy Dominant-Submissive Relationship Dynamics: How To Be More Dominant
Recent decades have brought BDSM relationships into the spotlight repeatedly, but that has also brought misinformation and stigma. Read on to explore what a healthy relationship between a Dominant and submissive entails, how to be more dominant, and how couples therapy can support you as you explore your sexualities together.
What is BDSM?
The sexual proclivities associated with BDSM relationships are closely tied to your fantasies, memories, past experiences, and desires. Consent and communication govern all aspects of BDSM.
“Practicing BDSM can be understood as a process of increasing expansion, creation, and connection, in which desire is seen not as something that we lack or need, but as a process of striving and self-enhancement.”
Bondage and discipline (B&D)
Consensual sexual practices involving physical restraint (bondage) and the infliction of pain, punishment, or humiliation for sexual gratification
Dominance and submission (D/s)
Power exchange relationships where the submissive partner freely offers the Dominant partner power and control over them in exchange for structure, guidance, care, and support.
Sadism and masochism (SM)
Sadomasochism refers to the practice of deriving sexual gratification from giving or receiving physical pain or humiliation. Sadists take pleasure from causing pain, while masochists are sexually aroused by experiencing pain.
— BDSM, Becoming, and the Flows of Desire
Exploring dominance and submission
During a BDSM power exchange, the submissive gives power and control of themselves to the Dominant within the pre-negotiated and agreed-upon limitations. A male Dominant is often called a Dom, and a female Dominant is a Domme. Power exchange can occur between all combinations of gender, sexual identity, and orientation.
Power exchange vs. power dynamic: What’s the difference?
Power exchange can occur between consenting adults in a wide variety of ways—all of which are discussed and negotiated between partners. Power exchange can occur without sexual contact.
By contrast, a power exchange dynamic is a much deeper, committed relationship between partners. People engaged in a power dynamic are generally committed to the lifestyle. They may see it as an integral part of their personality and sexuality rather than a hobby, game, or passing amusement. Power dynamics can also take many forms.
Dominant personality traits may include:
Self-control and self-discipline
Leads by example
Understands and uses the power of body language
Knows what they want
Patient but relentless
Enjoys responsibility
Protective and caring
Likes being in charge
— Personality Traits of BDSM Practitioners
What does a dom/domme get from the power exchange?
Dominance allows you to assert yourself with your partner, taking on the role of guide and protector in exchange for the gift of power and submission you’ve been given. A Dom/Domme gains power and control of their submissive and the situation, providing care, attention, structure, expectations, and support.
How healthy D/s dynamics support equality
However the relationship may look to observers, BDSM promotes equality. Dominants and submissives are equals in the power exchange. At any time, the sub can revoke their consent to be dominated.
Exploring Healthy Ways To Be More Dominant
If you and your partner start experimenting with BDSM, try some of these techniques to explore your Dominant side and exert more dominance in your relationship.
Know and respect your partner’s boundaries
Explore and discuss your partner’s boundaries so you are fully aware of what they are comfortable with and respect those limitations unconditionally. If your partner uses the safeword, immediately stop what you're doing and see to their needs.
Build familiarity with your chosen toys and tools
Sexual stimulation can occur in many D/s relationships, though it is not required. If that facet is present with your dominance, familiarize yourself with the tools of the trade, and ensure that you know how to use various sexual aids properly. Try experimenting with D/s sexual activities such as hair pulling, roleplaying, blindfolds, light bondage with a scarf or tie, and light spanking to explore what you and your partner enjoy.
Prepare for anything, with safety in mind
As a Dominant, your submissive trusts you to prioritize their safety. Some D/s scenes can be physically intense, and you should prepare for all eventualities before a scene or play so you can attend to any mishaps.
Check in with your partner often to ensure they are okay and still consent
Discuss boundaries, desires, hard and soft limitations, curiosities, and what will happen in a scene so both of you can prepare for the experience. If you are enacting an intense scene, you may check in to ensure they are still okay and continue to consent.
Provide robust aftercare
BDSM scenes and play can be physically and emotionally intense—for both of you. Aftercare, like talking, cuddling, or cleaning up together, can help your submissive feel cared for and calm as you process the session. Dominants often benefit from the care provided for their subs during aftercare.
Respect the power they give you
A Dominant understands that submission isn't a mark of weakness. There are many reasons your partner may want to relinquish control to you. Your duty is to find their needs and use the power you're given to meet them. Remember that you only have the control your submissive gives you. That’s why it’s a power exchange. Healthy power exchanges don’t involve force. The Dominant creates an environment where the sub feels safe and protected, so they want to give their submission.
Revel in the care of your submissive
Many Dominants view caring for their submissive as their duty and enjoy it. They have given you the right to lead and guide them within the boundaries of your relationship or dynamic. Respect that and ensure they continue wanting to submit to you as you steer them on a journey to explore their innermost self.
Disregarding consent
Ignoring boundaries or safeword
No compromise or discussion
Doesn’t engage in equal power exchange
One partner feels ignored, afraid, or disrespected
Does not provide aftercare
Only interested in their needs and not caring for the submissive partner
The importance of BDSM education
Safety is one of the most crucial aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. Couples who are exploring BDSM are encouraged to take a class together so they can learn how to push their sexual boundaries while ensuring they are safe and supported. Many organizations offer BDSM education to support healthy sexual exploration between consenting adults.
Exploring Safely: SSC and RACK
SSC: Safe, sane, and consensual
This long-standing tenant of the BDSM lifestyle teaches that any behavior is acceptable between adult partners—provided both parties regard it as safe, sane, and consensual.
RACK: Risk aware consensual kink
Growing in popularity in recent years, this foundational tenant urges participants to explore and discuss the possible outcomes and risks so informed consent can be given.
Safewords
The sexual nature of BDSM requires a constant and unwavering focus on consent. Safewords are pre-negotiated words the submissive can use to bring all activity to an immediate stop. If your sub uses the safeword, they no longer feel comfortable and withdraw their consent for the scene to continue. Some BDSM practitioners use the Green-Yellow-Red system to continually check in with their partners and gauge their level of comfort without breaking the immersion of the scene.
How couples therapy can help you explore your sexuality together
If you and your partner want to introduce BDSM aspects into your relationship, consider speaking with a licensed couples therapist through a relationship-focused virtual therapy platform like Regain. Therapy may help you address any emotional issues that arise as you test your boundaries together. Your therapist may help you explore the underlying experiences or personality traits that may draw you to the BDSM lifestyle, develop healthy coping skills to manage your emotions and stress and build communication skills as a couple.
According to recent research, there’s no noteworthy difference in online and in-person therapy outcomes. However, virtual treatment tends to be less expensive and has shorter wait times before you speak to someone. Online therapy platforms offer a much more varied selection of therapists, making it far more likely that you will find someone who works well with your needs and personality.
Takeaway
While the stigma and misinformation about D/s relationships can make it difficult to put a name to your feelings and find healthy, reliable sources of information, a thriving, diverse community exists with many experienced lifestyle practitioners taking it upon themselves to educate the next generation. The information in this article may offer some insight into the psychology of BDSM relationships, how you can take on more of a dominant role with your partner, and how couples therapy can help support you both emotionally as you take this journey of sexual exploration together.
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)
What is dominant in a relationship?
A dominant partner takes the dominating role in a BDSM relationship, while the other partner goes into submission. A dominant in a relationship may also be referred to as a dom or the top. The dominant may dominate the relationship at all times or choose to be dominant during BDSM role-playing and fantasies. Dominant relationships can be very healthy if each partner shows mutual respect and understanding.
What is dominant behavior?
Dominant behavior displays power and influence over individuals, a situation, or a relationship. An individual with dominant behavior will be assertive or often demanding in their relationship. They will typically be outspoken, taking the lead in situations. Someone with dominant behavior will usually have a leadership role where they provide direction. A dominant individual will usually be the one to make decisions and maintain control in a situation or relationship.
What does it mean to be submissive?
A submissive individual gives permission to another individual to dominate them. A submissive will go into submission, obey and surrender to another individual, the dominant, letting their partner in the dominating role take the lead and have control in the relationship or situation. A submissive partner or individual in the relationship is often known as the bottom of the sub.
What are the traits of a dominant personality?
According to the DiSC model, an individual with a dominant personality typically displays common personality traits highlighted below.
- Assertive
- Direct
- Demanding
- Outspoken
- Strong-willed
- Driven
- Determined
An individual with a dominant personality typically fears being vulnerable or taken advantage of by an individual or a situation. They prefer to maintain control and authority in a relationship or situation, often have a competitive nature, and are action-oriented.
What does being dominated mean?
Being dominated essentially means being submissive to your partner, allowing them to have authority and power over you while you go into submission. You should always fully consent to submit to the dominant partner, giving them permission them to have control with enthusiastic consent. If you do not feel comfortable with the dominant partner's submission or control, tell them no, stop and assume control.
What does dominance mean?
Dominance is the state of having power and control over an individual, group of individuals, a situation, or a relationship. In a BDSM relationship, one partner will typically take the dominant role, asserting dominance over the other partner who goes into submission, taking a submissive role.
What is a strong personality?
A strong personality is typically dominant to other personalities. An individual with a strong personality usually displays confidence, asserts dominance, and may have a strong sense of self. They are typically direct in communicating and enjoy having control and power, applying dominance over others or relationships. This individual may have strong opinions and beliefs that are dominant to others. A person with a strong personality often takes on a leadership role in relationships and situations. A dominant individual with a strong personality will typically not be submissive and will always stand up for what they think and believe in. They are usually memorable individuals in a group.
How do you deal with a dominant person?
A dominant person is typically the leader in a situation or relationship and will be the one to make decisions and determine the action. While this dominant person may have control in the situation or relationship, it is important to establish clear boundaries and develop mutual respect, regardless of who asserts dominance. Communication is incredibly important when dealing with a dominant person. You should be able to voice your needs to the dominant. It is essential that you feel comfortable and fully consent to any direction or demands made by the dominant person. If at any point you do not feel comfortable or agree with the actions of the dominant person, say no and walk away from the situation.
What does dominant in a relationship mean?
An individual who is dominant in a relationship enforces power and control over the other. This dominant partner takes the lead and has authority over the submissive. People often use the phrase "the one being in charge in the relationship" regarding the dominant partner. The other partner in the relationship will take a submissive role, giving the dominant partner power and control.
What does it mean to be dominant?
A dominant is an individual who has control or power in a relationship or situation. In a BDSM relationship, a dominant will lead, giving direction to the submissive partner. In a healthy BDSM relationship, the submissive willingly give up their control and power to the dominant. While in submission, the dominant will have authority over the submissive.
How do you deal with a dominant boyfriend?
Healthy relationships typically need trust, honesty, respect, communication, and compromise to be successful. If you have a dominant partner, you can have a very healthy relationship if you are both willing to put in the effort and accept that you may often take a submissive role while they assert dominance. Many individuals may find dominance over them exciting and find pleasure in going into submission for their dominant partner. It is important to have clear communication and establish boundaries on what you are comfortable with in any relationship, especially one with dominant and submissive roles. It is also extremely important not to allow your dominant partner to do anything you have not consented to. There should be mutual respect and consensual power exchange within your relationship regardless if one partner is the dominant one and has more control and takes the lead in the relationship. If dominance in your relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, and a clear conversation has not improved the situation, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
What is a submission?
Submission is when you give up control and power to an individual or situation that is dominant. A submissive individual will be obedient and surrender to a higher force of control, accepting authority and dominance while in submission. Dominance submission can happen within a relationship, during everyday situations, or it can take place during intimate moments in the bedroom, or both. For submission to be healthy in a dominant/submissive relationship, the power should be given up freely to the dominant, and the submissive individual should fully consent at all times to submit to the dominant. The submissive partner can revoke their consent of dominance at any time they no longer feel comfortable.
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