How To Build Trust In A Relationship
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Trust is one essential brick in the foundation of a healthy relationship. Without it, you can't expect to build a lasting partnership successfully. Past issues that you and your partner bring from former relationships and life experiences can complicate things. You may have had your heart broken by a former love, or experienced a deep betrayal, such as infidelity.
Building trust takes patience, commitment, and dedication from both partners. This can be a difficult, sometimes even emotionally straining process. Trust takes vulnerability, and this including leaving yourself vulnerable to the possibility of getting hurt. However, if you are seeking a healthy and long-term relationship with your partner, you will need to open yourself to this vulnerable state and take the risk. In this article, we explain why trust is an essential building block in love and help you learn how to build this crucial relationship foundation with your partner.
Why is trust so crucial in love?
Trust is essential in a partnership because in this uncertain life we need to know that our significant other will have our backs in matters both big and small.
When you enter a relationship with someone you love, there is typically an unspoken expectation that they have your best interests at heart. One of the foundations that insures you both are following through with this expectation is the commitment to trust.
Trust, along with healthy communication, does not happen overnight. You build this rapport together when you face life’s challenges and know you can depend on your partner to support you. You also build trust when you or your partner makes a mistake, and you forgive each other to move forward together.
Without this trust, you are unable to feel free to be your authentic self and may live under a cloud of doubt and conflict. For example, you may worry if your partner will let you down, betray you, or wonder if you can rely on them at all. You may not realize you feel this way, but these doubts will inevitably be present in a relationship that lacks a foundation of trust. This instability may keep you from forging the kind of deep bond that happens in a health relationship.
What can undermine trust?
Obviously, big things like cheating, substance abuse, and lying can destroy trust. But other, smaller problems can cause cracks that eventually break the connection between two people. You may ignore these problems thinking they are not worth addressing or you may miss them altogether.
For example, you feel like something is wrong in your relationship and you feel distant from your partner. Instead of talking to them about your concerns, you act as if all is fine despite the distance you are experiencing. While this is not necessarily a breach of trust, you are keeping important information from your partner which in turn undermines trust in your relationship.
Being able to identify these issues and work on these problems as soon as possible is a reflection of the health of your relationship (even when doing so takes you out of your comfort zone). The best relationships push the people in them to grow and mature together.
How to build trust
If one or both of you are unable to reach this level of maturity in communication and openness, an invisible barrier will most likely develop. When you have trust issues in a relationship, you may automatically find yourself questioning other people's motives, including your partner. You may be suspicious or worried about letting your guard down. You may even have difficulty relaxing around your partner. The following section offers guidance in how to build trust. However, if you find these suggestions are unattainable or not enough to heal the lack of trust in your relationship, consider meeting with a couples counselor. A therapist can help you work through trust issues if you are having difficulty doing so independently.
Focus on the big picture
Trust is not built overnight, especially if the trust that was previously established was then broken. Prepare to work to build this mutual trust if you want the relationship to last. This requires you to have patience and not resent your partner for not immediately learning to trust you, especially if they've had difficulties like adultery or codependency in their past relationships.
Building trust takes time and dedication and it is completely normal to have setbacks and struggles along the way. Both you and your partner being committed to building trust together for the longevity of the relationship is the most important step you can take.
Be upfront when you make mistakes
As the adage goes, everyone makes mistakes. But taking responsibility for your mistakes and taking corrective action as soon as possible is what separates people with integrity from those without. When you are honest with your partner, instead of trying to brush off or hide your mistakes, they will gradually become comfortable with trusting you more. If you try to hide your screw-ups or lay the blame on someone else, it can undermine trust when the truth comes out, especially if you are caught in a lie.
Learn effective communication skills
Learning how to communicate healthily with your partner properly is one of the most vital aspects of a relationship. Too many people never learn how to effectively state their needs without criticizing or blaming the other person. Some people have such a fear of confrontation they will avoid communication altogether, which can stymy any discussion and eventually cause small problems that morph into relationship-threatening monsters.
Improving your communication with your partner involves listening to what they are saying without judgment or interruption, thinking before you respond, staying with the topic at hand, and thoughtfully communicating your side. Again, be willing to practice patience and understanding. It takes time and practice to build a lasting partnership successfully this way, especially if you are not used to healthy communication.
Practice forgiving and acceptance
Many of us have held a grudge in a relationship, even if we are not aware of it. Maybe your husband forgot to call when he went out with his friends, or your girlfriend didn't do the dishes when she said she would, leaving a full sink of dirty dishes. These small issues can be irritating and, in some cases, lead to resentment especially if a pattern of disappointment continues. Are you holding a grudge? Try to remember that all people make mistakes and there is no perfect person. Seeing your partner as a flawed human being who is doing their best can help you deepen your love and understanding toward them. Also, forgiveness is healthy. Studies have shown that practicing forgiveness can have a number of health benefits, including reduced levels of hostility, depression, and anxiety and increased levels of overall life satisfaction, higher self-esteem, and reduced substance use.
Be true to your word
As mentioned previously, a central component in building trust in a relationship is integrity. When you practice integrity, you follow through with what you say you will do. Do not make promises that you know may not have the potential to keep. Even if you hope that you'll be able to see them through, that small chance still exists that you might not be able to, and these instances can add up over time to undermine your word. It's a better practice to change your wording from promises to trying your best. You know if you are unable to follow through that your partner knew you put in the effort, which is meaningful in and of itself. There is the added bonus that if you are successful, you both can celebrate a win.
Don't be afraid to show your emotions
Being vulnerable and showing your emotions to your partner is a challenging but rewarding step in increasing emotional intimacy and trust. Dealing with feelings can be overwhelming, especially if you have difficulty putting your feelings into words. However, when you reveal your innermost self and allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner, you form a closer bond that is shrouded in trust and respect. It can be much easier to keep your conversations on a superficial level. But you will not be able to cultivate the richer intimacy that comes from being truly accepted even when you're vulnerable.
Men, in particular, have been traditionally socialized to hide their feelings and minimize them. Nonetheless, each person is unique with their own past that can influence how comfortable you feel to reveal your emotions. An experienced therapist can help guide you through the process of condensing your emotions into clear statements.
Assume your partner has good intentions
When you have been hurt by other people or your partner (in the past), you may become suspicious when someone else wants to become more connected to use. You may not even realize that the past painful experiences are causing these thoughts and hesitance to become more emotionally intimate. It can be hard to trust that someone loves you, faults and all, when you have never experienced this type of unconditional love before.
When you notice you are ascribing negative motives to your partner, step back, and take an objective look at the situation. Assume that your partner is trying their best unless there's real evidence to the contrary.
See where your partner is coming from
Putting yourself in someone else's shoes does not mean seeing their struggles through your lens. Instead, you are thinking about what you would do if you have had their life experiences and mindset. This deep empathy can be difficult to put into practice, especially during a heated argument or an ongoing disagreement.
You may naturally assume you know what your partner is thinking, but your own negative thinking patterns could color that. Instead, try to see where your partner is coming from, using what you know about how they think and their perception of the world.
Talk about your boundaries and mutually respect them
Once the relationship becomes serious, talk about your boundaries with one another. Your boundaries and those of your partner may conflict in some areas; this is normal. Working together to compromise while still maintaining the most important boundaries can help build trust.
If your boundaries are breached at any time, have a frank discussion with your partner as soon as possible. If your partner expresses that they feel their boundaries are not respected, listen, and commit to doing better next time.
Take care of your health
You have a responsibility to take care of yourself first. Prioritizing self-care for your physical, mental, and emotional health allows you to bring your best self to the relationship and to be there for your partner when they need you. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, and appropriate sleep all contribute to your physical fitness and help you cope when stressful events arise. If you run into issues such as depression or anxiety and feel like it's having a negative impact on the relationship, don't hesitate to reach out for assistance, either to a trusted friend or a professional, such as those at Regain.us.
Seeking professional advice
However, it this trust has been broken or you are unable to establish this bond, growing a healthy relationship may seem near impossible. A couples counselor can help you mend this broken bond and guide you in healthy communication and trust-building skills.
Many couples will have relationship issues that keep them from establishing emotional intimacy with trust at its foundation. Unfortunately, these same couples do not choose therapy because of certain barriers, such as lack of financial means, geographical limitations, and mental health stigma. Current research reports online therapy to be highly effective for couples managing relationship issues, especially those with breeches in trust. For example, a 2022 study found that couples mending a broken trust relationship stated their trust issues improved in virtual sessions and was preferred over in-person therapy.
If you and your partner are struggling with building trust in any relationship after it was broken, reach out to a counselor that can assist you. Regain.us can match you with an experienced counselor no matter how busy your schedule with both individualized or couples counseling.
Takeaway
Trust is an essential building block in a healthy relationship. It takes patience, commitment, and dedication from both partners, along with vulnerability. If you want to build a lasting partnership, you will need to open yourself to this vulnerable state. Online couples counseling can help if you or both of you are unable to form this crucial foundation piece in your relationship. When you are ready, make an appointment to take this step forward to a healthier (and happier) partnership.
Frequently asked questions
How do you build trust back in a relationship?
A broken trust may take even longer to fix because it’s often combined with a broken heart. If neither person is willing to make a change at that point, nothing positive can happen. Establishing trust takes time but rebuilding it takes growth.
To build trust, there must be an opportunity for trustworthiness. That means a person must be put in a variety of different situations to react accordingly. If that person can maintain the status quo of the relationship despite temptation, trust takes root. If not, then the confidence can be destroyed and may require work to reestablish. Generally, broken trust is the result of these actions, behaviors, habits, or events:
- Lacking support on meaningful topics
- Jealousy and/or possessiveness
- Unpredictability
- Undependable or unreasonable behavior
- Sexual and/or emotional infidelity
- Rigidity or coldness
- Irrational game playing
- Abuse
- Neglect
There are many ways to build trust even after it has been broken, but the first step is to remove the common pitfalls from your environment. So, get rid of temptation and refrain from doing anything mentioned in the list above. Then, begin reestablishing a healthy relationship with these 10 tactics:
- Be willing to work on yourself for the sake of the relationship.
- Apologize for your mistakes, and really mean it.
- Allow the other person to talk about their experience and emotions.
- Start finding ways to make new memories and stop reliving the past.
- Remember the good in each other, even in the face of temptation.
- Communicate your wants and needs more openly and honestly.
- Give each other permission to be vulnerable with negativity.
- Learn how to appreciate one another’s company again.
- Try to assume the other person has good intentions before jumping to conclusions.
- Acknowledge triggers to prevent painful mental and/or emotional reactions.
If all else fails, listen to your intuition, and be willing to listen to the other person’s explanations too. Seek professional help for trust-building when a meeting of the minds is too difficult to make. Remember, learning to trust may take time, but it’s worth the effort if the relationship is important.
How do you trust your partner more?
Most people have a hard time building trust in a relationship, but rebuilding trust is even more difficult. Since a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and confidence, learning ways to build trust is important to any partnership's longevity and fulfillment. In fact, trust issues are a leading cause of arguments, fights, and breakups. That’s because faith isn’t easy to make; it’s easy to break.
Thus, building trust requires effort from both partners. One person cannot be solely responsible for trust-building in a relationship because then it will be lopsided and could potentially breed resentment. Instead, build trust with your partner by using proven trust-building exercises like these:
- Take turns being in control of planning.
- Reveal your flaws to one another.
- Open up about your thoughts and feelings.
- Don’t be so quick to judge.
- Make promises and keep them.
- Always be unapologetically authentic.
- Tell the truth, even when it’s bad.
- Try to be on time, or at least accountable.
- Stick up for each other.
- Keep secrecy at bay with open communication.
Remember, it’s important to build trust because trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. However, confidence cannot be forced, and rushing the process may make things worse. Trust requires patience, so seek professional help if you want to build trust with your partner quickly or experience trust on a deeper level.
How do you build trust quickly?
It may be difficult to build trust quickly because building trust is a process that takes time, patience, and commitment. Also, broken trust requires even more effort because of the painful memories and emotions associated with it.
To build trust more rapidly or to rebuild the trust you’ve broken, try these proven trust-building exercises:
- Allow the other person to plan something meaningful.
- Open up about a painful life experience or vulnerable personal detail.
- Refrain from being too judgmental with one another.
- Create opportunities to make and keep promises.
- Never try to be inauthentic for the sake of acceptance.
- Become a reliable and/or helpful shoulder to cry on.
- Don’t keep secrets for any reason besides pleasant surprise.
- Try to be on time and arrive prepared for coordinated plans.
- Always tell the truth, even when the details aren’t flattering.
Essentially, people build trust by being vulnerable and accepting the outcome with grace and respect. Nobody is perfect, so begin building trust with that in mind. If you struggle to rebuild trust after trauma, seek professional help as soon as possible.
How do you mend a broken relationship?
Broken relationships are commonly caused by broken trust. Thus, rebuilding trust is a key component to making amends. In most cases, that means establishing a ground for expectations within the relationship and then being accountable to one another despite life’s challenges. An important thing to remember is that it’s easy to establish trust; trust is much harder to rebuild. Therefore, both people must accept nothing less than what the relationship deserves, and that’s openness, honesty, and effort.
Building trust, especially after it has been broken, means making new memories and creating new habits. Provide opportunities for the other person to show their willingness to change. Candidly process thoughts and feelings in a gentle, nonprejudiced way when the time is right. Make promises and keep them.
Use different confidence-boosting exercises to build trust in any relationship. If all else fails, try to seek professional help when the task becomes too difficult or if broken trust causes neglect or abuse in the relationship.
How do you know if a relationship is worth saving?
Before you start looking for a new relationship because of incompatibility or otherwise, understand that moving from one partner to the next without proper healing may cause mental and/or emotional issues. Therefore, it’s important to work on relationships and try saving them whenever possible. Here’s how to tell if it’s worth your time or not:
- You and/or your partner are still interested in building trust and making memories.
- Thinking about apart making you feel terrible inside.
- You both still enjoy spending time with each other when the circumstances are right.
- Thinking about your partner being with someone else makes you sad, angry, or jealous.
- Your problems are small and non-specific, not large and life changing.
- The core values of the relationship are still intact.
- You’re only willing to consider breaking up when you’re upset.
- The issues causing your problems can be fixed easily with therapy.
- You still have hope in the intrinsic value of the relationship.
Two partners who are committed to one another and unafraid of personal growth will go far together, even if they’re currently experiencing turbulence. As long as both people are willing and able to build trust instead of breaking it, the relationship should outlast life’s ups and downs. However, these are some of the signs that it may be time to move on:
- You no longer feel an emotional connection with one another.
- There is little to no physical intimacy in the relationship.
- The thought of being with someone new excites you.
- Your core values and/or life goals don’t line up.
- Neither partner is interested in building trust or making memories.
- You feel like you’ve outgrown one another or have nothing in common.
- There is abuse or neglect of any kind.
Get help with your relationship by seeking couple’s counseling with a licensed mental health professional.
How do I fix my trust issues?
Although it’s difficult to re-establish trust with your partner after it has been broken, it’s still possible with the right approach. Trust issues result from unreached expectations, so try to open your mind to the realities of the situation. Also, keep in mind that nobody is perfect. That means we all make mistakes. However, you can build trust with a partner, friend, relative, or coworker by being genuinely engaged, accountable, and attentive. In fact, many therapists suggest rebuilding trust with your partner before considering a breakup because it’s all a matter of willingness and ability.
If you struggle to regain trust or untrustworthy behaviors continue to cause problems in your life, job, or relationship, it may be time to move forward and ask for help. Speak to a couple’s counselor for some advice or begin addressing your trust issues openly and honestly at home.
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